Monday, September 3, 2012

Bradley Cooper Stole My Bestseller

Hi, folks. In the spirit of a trailer we saw today for Bradley Cooper's new movie "The Words," we're going to surf the subject of pilfered stories and plagiarism. You see, in the movie, Bradley's character steals an antique manuscript, gets it published, and finds ill gotten fame and fortune. And, we haven't seen the movie, but since the manuscript was originally written by Jeremy Irons, well, we're guessing nobody winds up really giving a shit. But, it brings up a good point. Throughout history, some of the most popular stories ever told were plagiarized, and the public-at-large was never the wiser. So, here's a list of some of those stolen books...

1) The Entire Collected Works of Shakespeare - Yes, unfortunately 'tis sadly true, the great Bard himself was nothing but a petty thief. Everything from Romeo and Juliet to the greatest sonnets were stolen by young William from his best friend, the prolific and brilliant Scott Thompson. And how did he do it? Why, the talentless but clever young scribe hired a witch to send Scott Thompson 450 years into the future. Shakespeare kept the manuscripts and took all the credit. Meanwhile, his friend Scott was so devastated by his loss that he refused to ever use cleverness or wit again, but remained in the entertainment business. Today, he is more commonly known by his modern day stage name: Carrot Top.

2) The Harry Potter Series - Just when you thought it was safe to trust your favorite cast of phallic-fixated wand-wielders, comes the news that the HP series was not, in fact, penned by J.K. Rowling. As clever a magical sleuth you may fancy yourself, little did you suspect that the series was actually written by...Charles Manson. Now should be the "Aha!" moment where you make the connection between the lightning bolt/swastika forehead scars, and the presence of a heavily bearded sage as the wise and powerful allegorical patriarch. Yes, Charlie Manson, in his decades of solitary confinement, did dream up the greatest story of all time. And when he mistakenly entrusted a young, British pen pal to be his editor...well, history ran it's course.

3) 50 Shades of Twilight - Not surprisingly, Twilight actually was written by Stephenie Meyer. However, many of you may not know that the fan-fiction ripoff 50 Shades of Grey, was written by our very own mascot, Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat. You see, one fateful night, after Bryan had "borrowed" a delivery truck full of Twilight books and fed them to Peggy Sue, her resulting massive dungheap was stolen in the middle of the night by a stealthy E.L. James. Names were changed. Whips and chains were added. And presto-publisho, a bestseller was born.



4) Eat. Pray. Love. - Probably most shocking of all is the real author of this tale of love, life, and self-discovery: Clint Eastwood. So the story goes, Clint lost the rights to the story in a back alley dice game. While he may be tough enough to wipe his ass with sandpaper, apparently when it comes to gambling Dirty Harry just doesn't feel that lucky, punk.


There you have it, folks: a glimpse at the truth you were never meant to see. I hope it helps to bring you closer to your favorite authors. Or even to your kids the next time you're reading aloud to them about the inferiority of the Muggle race.

Cheers!
Brandon

Music: The Magnetic Fields
Beer: Sunshine Wheat

43 comments:

  1. Yeah never even heard of The Words. By as a side note, there's a character in the original Troll film named Harry Potter Jr.

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  2. That's a pretty nice phallic-shaped cactus behind Clint Eastwood there, boys. But where's his empty chair?

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  3. Are we sure that Stephanie Meyer isn't a mentally handicapped goat?
    You forgot about Shel Silverstein who stole all his poems from deranged conjoined fraternal twins locked in his basement. "The Giving Tree" came about after Shel got "Lue" and "Sue" (as he had dubbed them, their real names were unpronounceable by a single human tongue) drunk on absinthe and made them really dizzy.
    You don't want to know where Sr. Seuss stole "The Cat in the Hat." Hint: it involves LSD, an airplane, the USC women's softball team, and an incontinent monkey.

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  4. I love that goat and hate 50 Shades of Grey and Harry Plodder and Twilight. I love Shakespeare. So, I love Shakespeare and I love a goat-one of these things just doesn't belong here.

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  5. But my question is, where did Margaret Mitchell get Gone With The Wind?

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  6. Hahaha good, I was hoping you'd go after 50 shades. You just have to.

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  7. I could see Clint writing that...

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  8. You do know I'm the actual author for the successful HBO series, "Game of Thrones", right? I sold the script for a bag of weed and a case of Fat Tire.

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    1. And I'm guessing George RR Martin just stole the HBO script to write A Song of Ice and Fire 15 years before its own HBO adaptation?

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  9. Well while most people do think Shakespeare didn't write his stuff, I've never heard of any of the others. This was a most enlightening experience.

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  10. A whole literary guide right at your finger tips. Who woulda thunk?

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  11. Holy Crap! I knew that Carrot Top must be hiding some form of wit and intelligence under that crazy mop of hair! This also explains why he's needed so much Botox...

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  12. Goat droopings = literary gold. Hmmmm.... *finds nearest petting zoo*

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  13. LOL I feel inclined to do more rip off week posts now hahaha Bring in a mutt to eat the goat poo and there you go, oh so original hahaha

    Oh and The Words, is a big FAT rip off of A Murder of Crows. pathetic really.

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  14. I feel so used by those damn literary thieves. I am so glad you set things straight..... You made my day!

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  15. Oh my God, guys. After a long day of work (it's p.m. France-time), I *really* needed to laugh for a bit. The Carrot Top cartoon was prime. Thanks so much.

    -Barb the French Bean

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  16. You forgot Macbeth. Old Bill did actually come up with that one. Well, while stumbling home drunk one night, he ran into three old hags taking a bath in a huge cauldron. Two days later, Macbeth was completed.

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  17. This amused me. Do it again, do it again! I liked how you incorporated Charles Manson into this, seriously. Amazing lol

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  18. You know what they say, imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism.

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  19. You really shouldn't feed the already retarded goat something like Fifty Shades of Gray. You should feed her the dictionary instead since it might actually help her be a little less retarded.

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  20. I would love to read Clint Eastwood's version of Eat, Pray, Love! (Pig out, curse, fuck, then worship the GOP?)

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  21. You've been smoking that whacky tobaccy again, haven't you?

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  22. Bradley Cooper *sighs*

    Plagiarizing bastids! I always knew there was some demonic writer behind the Harry Potter books.

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  23. BEER BOYS ~
    I believe every single syllable of this blog bit. In fact, I will go toe-to-toe, knuckle-to-knuckle with ANYONE who says you've fabricated any of this.

    The one that disturbs me the most is this:

    4) Eat. Pray. Love. - Probably most shocking of all is the real author of this tale of love, life, and self-discovery: Clint Eastwood. So the story goes, Clint lost the rights to the story in a back alley dice game. While he may be tough enough to wipe his ass with sandpaper, apparently when it comes to gambling Dirty Harry just doesn't feel that lucky, punk.

    I will be the first (and probably last) person to say that when it comes to "overratedness", Clint Eastwood is the U2 of Hollywood movies. (So many millions of dollars for one-dimensional talent. Yes, U2 should have been named U1.) At the same time, my sense of justice compels me to say that since Clint was the the true mastermind behind 'Eat, Pray, Love', he deserves the credit (or blame) for it.

    Another fine blog bit by the 'BEER BOYS', BRYAN and BRANDON. Let Truth and Justice prevail!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  24. Hahahahaha! Pinch me off another line of dialogue! Classic

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  25. You know, I had a weird feeling about that EL James 50 Shades of bullshit- and it makes sense now. EL stole the work from the retarded goat. So it wasn't bullshit, it was goatshit. So close...

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  26. All thats well and good, but this whole post was written by Sean Connery years ago and you're just ripping him off... ps I invented the internet.

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  27. I was trying to think of something witty to say, but Bersercules plagiarised the comment I was going to write.

    In all seriousness, though. I was 45 pages into a screenplay only to find out when 21 Jump Street was released, it was the same premise. Not that I was any pleased with the screenplay to begin with.

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  28. [insert post-relevant empty chair/Eastwood joke here]

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  29. Okay, so, call me dumb...hey! Don't really, geez...

    I actually turned to Lord Google on this because I'd never heard of Shakespeare plagiarizing anything before because, well, I'm just not educated enough to care. After a few searches I found the best answer ever which I will now also plagiarize:

    "It is accepted practice–a literary tradition, even–for authors to use a famous phrase of another writer as a title or trope, with or without attribution, under the assumption that the intelligent reader knows who originated the words."

    lol

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  30. I'm sorry but I just do not accept that Bradley Cooper can do anything wrong.

    The rest of this seems perfectly plausible.

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  31. If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

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  32. You're right, 50 shades of grey does resemble goat crap...

    The cover looks awesome guys, and I just checked my email ;)

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  33. Okay, well there's that. The Shakespeare bit is half right. Hamlet for instance was an updated version of an older play, with parts written to satisfy the powers that where at the time.

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  34. Relevant---> http://www.thenewstribe.com/2012/09/04/slave-wife-sues-husband-over-abuse/#.UEbzOaCYRCY

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  35. Now I just need to figure out who was really responsible for the Goosebumps books.

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  36. I've seen the trailer for The Words. It looks like the sweet version of The Secret Window.

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  37. I've learned so much today. And that's one creative retarded goat, alright.

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  38. P.S. You guys didn't by any chance steal this blog of yours, right?

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  39. I do enjoy seeing posts that include that goat.

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  40. Many thanks for your good publish. I’ll take the notes you’ve written.great work.

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  41. Aha!" moment where you make the connection between the lightning bolt/swastika forehead scars, and the presence of a heavily bearded sage as the wise and powerful allegorical patriarch.

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  42. very nice publish, i definitely love this website, keep on it.

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