1) The Entire Collected Works of Shakespeare - Yes, unfortunately 'tis sadly true, the great Bard himself was nothing but a petty thief. Everything from Romeo and Juliet to the greatest sonnets were stolen by young William from his best friend, the prolific and brilliant Scott Thompson. And how did he do it? Why, the talentless but clever young scribe hired a witch to send Scott Thompson 450 years into the future. Shakespeare kept the manuscripts and took all the credit. Meanwhile, his friend Scott was so devastated by his loss that he refused to ever use cleverness or wit again, but remained in the entertainment business. Today, he is more commonly known by his modern day stage name: Carrot Top.
2) The Harry Potter Series - Just when you thought it was safe to trust your favorite cast of phallic-fixated wand-wielders, comes the news that the HP series was not, in fact, penned by J.K. Rowling. As clever a magical sleuth you may fancy yourself, little did you suspect that the series was actually written by...Charles Manson. Now should be the "Aha!" moment where you make the connection between the lightning bolt/swastika forehead scars, and the presence of a heavily bearded sage as the wise and powerful allegorical patriarch. Yes, Charlie Manson, in his decades of solitary confinement, did dream up the greatest story of all time. And when he mistakenly entrusted a young, British pen pal to be his editor...well, history ran it's course.
3) 50 Shades of Twilight - Not surprisingly, Twilight actually was written by Stephenie Meyer. However, many of you may not know that the fan-fiction ripoff 50 Shades of Grey, was written by our very own mascot, Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat. You see, one fateful night, after Bryan had "borrowed" a delivery truck full of Twilight books and fed them to Peggy Sue, her resulting massive dungheap was stolen in the middle of the night by a stealthy E.L. James. Names were changed. Whips and chains were added. And presto-publisho, a bestseller was born.
4) Eat. Pray. Love. - Probably most shocking of all is the real author of this tale of love, life, and self-discovery: Clint Eastwood. So the story goes, Clint lost the rights to the story in a back alley dice game. While he may be tough enough to wipe his ass with sandpaper, apparently when it comes to gambling Dirty Harry just doesn't feel that lucky, punk.
There you have it, folks: a glimpse at the truth you were never meant to see. I hope it helps to bring you closer to your favorite authors. Or even to your kids the next time you're reading aloud to them about the inferiority of the Muggle race.
Music: The Magnetic Fields
Beer: Sunshine Wheat