Monday, August 27, 2012

We Are Celebrity Scum

Many of you are probably familiar with TMZ, the official, brand name Mecca of scum-sucking paparazzi everywhere. Well, here at A Beer for the Shower, we (Brandon and Bryan) are a couple of broke-ass writers who've gotta eat, so we decided to create our own gossip website.

We became BMZ.




That's right, if a celebrity even so much as makes a bowel movement, they're gonna be on BMZ... the Bowel Movement Zone.

It's amazing what you can learn about your favorite (and not so favorite) celebrities just by taking pictures of them through their windows without their consent.






The next day...


Who would have guessed that breaking into someone's gated mansion, setting up a 2 story ladder, and taking numerous pictures through a bathroom window would have made us so rich? Apparently, we had a knack for lurking...




The next day...


Even when news was slow we had ways of keeping things going.


8 hours of Photoshop magic later...



The next day...


Which led to us being in the news ourselves.


Which led to the paparazzi chasing after us.



And suddenly, a new generation of paparazzi was springing up to take pictures and video of US now that WE were famous.




Which led to our own downfall, because it's hard to be taken seriously in the world when rumors are spreading that you're incapable of pleasing a woman or that you're that sexual dinosaur-humping deviant Owen Wilson.

So after months of taking unwanted photos of celebrities, we became celebrities ourselves, and unwanted photos were then taken of us. It was too much. We turned in our baseball caps and our cameras, and bowed out of the limelight for our own good. Because we had learned a valuable lesson...

Don't take naked pictures of other dudes. They might get the wrong idea about you.


Cheers and stay classy, folks,

-B&B

Beer: Negra Modelo
Music: Steven Wilson

Also, thanks again to everyone who bought our new e-books! We sincerely hope you're enjoying them. If you would be so kind, please swing by our individual book pages at Amazon and leave a review or even just 'Like' it. It's not connected to Facebook at all, so the Zuck won't use that info against you, but it does help us climb the Amazon ranks!
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47 comments:

  1. Where can I buy "Penis in My Cake"? It looks like the best song since Eddie Murphy's "Boogie in Your Butt" (With the lyric "put the whole world in my butt." It's true, look it up.).
    On a less perverse note, that's a really great Nessie drawing.

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  2. I seemed to have misplaced my camera...Oh wait! It's next to Owen Wilson's bed. Glad you didn't get me in that photo!

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  3. I feel sorry for Owen Wilson. He just wants love. I also had no idea he had a brother. The sad thing is that these kind of stories could actually turn up in TMZ and they do almost always end with "We'll let YOU decide" so they can get away from any kind of blame because they aren't saying someone IS doing something, they're suggesting they MIGHT.

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  4. Owen Wilson should seriously thank you for jump starting his washed up career!!!!

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  5. Great, now I got "wee wee in my pee pee" stuck in my head. But still better lyrics compared to legit Rihanna songs.

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  6. haha sad part is you'd be loaded if you actually got such a pic, the crap magazines would love it.

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  7. I hope you're not actually living in that dumpster, Bryan.

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  8. That guide to telling Luke and Owen apart is insanely accurate. You guys should have stalked the Baldwins. Who knows where THAT would have gotten you!

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  9. Wow! Those are some great scoops! BMZ definitely is the celebrity mag for me!!

    By the way Tyler Perrys song is the funnest think you've done in a long time!! But gosh darn if Owen Wilson with Nessie isn't the close second!!

    Fantastic guys! My only complaint: This post could have been ten times longer!!

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  10. Hahahah I always get the wilson brothers confused too. I'll print out that guide..

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  11. I have always heard that Nessie is a selfish lover.

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  12. I worked in a kitchen at a movie theater once. One day Justin Beiber got kicked out (because he was in a 21+ area). Since he had amassed a throng of preteen girls stalking him, he had to be escorted out the back, through the kitchen... the ONE DAY I was not working that week. I could've got a picture of him and sold it to TMZ for $1000, but since I like you guys so much, I would've sold it to you for $20 and a back rub. Also, I hate TMZ with such a ferocity that I can't put it into words.

    Anyway, hilarious post, and I hope those bloodsuckers at TMZ see this.

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  13. "Don't take naked pictures of other dudes. They might get the wrong idea about you."

    Words to live by. Thanks for the guide on how to tell the Wilson brothers apart.

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  14. Owen and Nessie, Ahhh or Ewww, not sure.

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  15. Great idea - I think I'll start stalking someone... it's time for the tables to turn! :)

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  16. Why does it not surprise me that Owen Wilson would have an affair with the Loch Ness Monster? lol.

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  17. I just posted a review on Amazon for one of your books last night. By the way, I hope you check out my blog today, because I reviewed a book I know you guys would like!

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  18. Hey, they are celebrities, they OWE us. besides, We aren't the ones who make celebrities have bad hair days or wear clashing outfits.

    Which makes me wonder... I haven't seen Adam Sandler pop up in these pages for ages. I sort of miss him.

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  19. I'm about 70% through Sandman.

    And, um, I like the Wilsons!

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  20. My penis will not be going in a cake, thank you very much...

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  21. Ha! Funny stuffs, BEER BOYS!

    My favorite moment, the one that actually made me GOL (Guffaw Out Loud), was the guide to telling the Wilson Brothers apart. Got the small details noted, but no mention of hair color. HA!-HA! Very funny stuffs indeed!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  22. I missed my calling as a paparazzi scumbag. I think I would rock at getting celebs to look my way so I can get a photo. "Hey Britney! I think you looked AMAZING with a bald head and are a WONDERFUL parent". She would probably give me an exclusive, but eeewww...Britney sucks.

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  23. Great stuff...someone should do a spotters guide to celebrities along the line of a bird watching book...

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  24. Sometimes I wish this worked this way. But no, stalking famous people lands me nowhere. NOWHERE.

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  25. Yes, being famous and relentlessly pursued by the paparazzi can really ruin your life. I'm glad you guys got out of it when you did.

    PS: Your drawing of Owen Wilson was totally on the money! Well done! :)

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  26. Owen Wilson has a brother? Am I the only one who didn't know this?

    Also, I feel bad for you guys, since you ended up being stalked by the paparazzi and getting punched by Owen Wilson (47 times). Better luck next time.

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  28. Owen is the one with the really small penis, I mean microscopically small. I heard that from Tina Turner, who heard it from Lady Gaga who heard it from Elton John, who heard it from R. Kelly, who heard it from me.

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  29. Hell, I'm just happy to not see that Kardashians in the tabloids...I'll take the Wilson's any day...Owen and Luke...not Wilson Phillips...I draw the line there.

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  30. I thought I was the only one who knew about Owen Wilson and the monster...oops. Amazon reviews as soon as I finish reading!

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  31. If you ever go snapping pics of Owen in the shower again can I come?

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  32. Are you sure it was Owen? Maybe Luke was punched a few times in the face and in shame, shaved his head and wore a wig.

    I believe you were deceived!

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  33. I'm not into Page 3, man. That's all a conspiracy.

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  34. BMZ is a fabulous company for you to start. :) Nice job!

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  35. So THAT'S where my Nessie went...

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  36. I was wondering what happen to the wilson brothers...

    Or was I thinking of you guys. I'm not sure anymore

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  38. I always get Owen Wilson and the Loch Ness Monster confused. Do you have guide for that?

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  39. What about if I take pics of naked men? Is that okay? Is BMZ looking for a photographer? I have a point and shoot....that should be good enough, right?

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  40. BMZ sure beats TMZ. It didn't take me long to get tired of their trash.

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  42. I don't think so the BMZ will be going to beat TMZ...well neat description of colourful cartoons have a different message altogether.

    reflective essay

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  43. Didn't Owen Wilson try to commit suicide a couple of years ago. He's such a failure. There is no try!

    What you should do is have a bloggers gossip site. Who are these freaks anyway? Who are they really? Take me, for example. Did you know that I am actually a morbidly obese crack dealer. Now you do.

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  44. That Rihanna/Tyler Perry picture is frigging HILARIOUS.

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  45. It was you two lurking around in my garbage, wasn't it? And for the record it wasn't what it looked like; I was giving that dinosaur the Heimlich .

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  46. BMZ is the kind of garbage that I would read every day.

    And I'd also like to say that the Loch Ness Monster is really, really hot. So I don't blame him at all.

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