Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Idiot's Guide to the Female Body

The female body: an unexplainable mystery. As ICP once brilliantly asked about magnets, "how does that shit work, yo?" Well, when it came to women, we weren't sure. We were pretty sure it was magic. Or witchcraft.


Thankfully, a brilliant scientific mind emerged with all of the answers we were seeking. He's US Representative Todd Akin, staunch Republican politician and expert on the female body. In a recent interview, he dropped some serious science when he stated that abortions aren't necessary in the case of rape, because when a woman gets raped, her body has the power to shut down a pregnancy. (See vid here)

So after a long night of thorough research and investigative journalism* we wanted to share with you some other amazing findings that you might not have known about the wonderful and mysterious female body.
*heavy drinking

This is NOT a coincidence

The fact of the matter is that a woman's reproductive system is an impenetrable fortress of organic weaponry laying dormant, like a cobra, just waiting for its opportunity to strike. The following is a list of those weapons.

1. The fallopian tubes, essentially the uterus's tentacles, can lift up to 50 times their own body weight, similar to that of an ant. When threatened, the fallopian tubes will squeeze its victim into strangulation, similar to that of a boa constrictor, and if that fails, they can release a blinding ink which will allow them the chance to escape.



2. The Uterus. It was once widely accepted that the sole function of the uterus was to serve as the gestation bag for a fertilized egg-baby. However, what many folks may not know is that the uterus is also a testicle vacuum. It has the suction power of an airplane toilet and can effectively remove the sperm marbles of any male within a ten foot radius. It is not limited to defense from attackers. In fact, the testicle removing mechanism is typically reserved for unwitting boyfriends and husbands in the vicinity.




3. Ovaries, once thought to hold eggs, are actually sacs that contain a noxious nerve toxin. When released into the open air, victims have been known to suffer from projectile vomiting, bone liquification, and uncontrollable night terrors.






4.Boobs. Everyone loves boobs. And that's perfectly cool. Unless you try to love someone else's boobs with your hands without first asking their permission. See, breasts aren't just squishy fistfuls of fun for all. No, it's not fun when the needle shoots out of the nipple and drains all the blood out of your body, leaving behind nothing but a pruny, perverted husk of dessication.




Lastly, you might be wondering why this hasn't all created a bloody mess. Well, as the reproductive organs feast on human flesh, excess build up of blood can get trapped in the uterus. When a woman has her period, it's actually the monthly purge of her victims' blood.

So fellas, next time your lady is having her time of the month, and she's irritable, and all she wants is for you to rub her feet or grab her a chocolate bar, do it. She's going through an awful lot right now, and if you had to expel the viscera of your mortal enemies through your baby canal, you'd probably be moody too.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: G. Telemann
Beer:  Shiner Blonde

69 comments:

  1. Chocolate, NOW, or it's going to get all Star Wars up in here! Pew Pew

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  2. Shark brain ... women's reproductive system ... you're right,it's not a coincidence. There's a reason men have the phobia vagina dentata.

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  3. Glad you shared the chocolate secret; men need to know it for their own safety!

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  4. LMAO what a moron to have actually said that, and people vote for him? Shows what idiots they are too.

    I will keep all of that in mind, I don't want to become a victim haha have to fight the urge to touch without permission hahaha

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  5. Thank you for your very informative post about womans bodies. I was gonna be a wildlife expert like Steve Irwin cause I love danger, but now I think I'll be a gynecologist! that seems like an exiting thrill a minute adventure! (plus nudity!)

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  6. I heard that story from the dumb politician. He should conduct more research and read this post and I would bet he would retract his statement!

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  7. Bow and grovel at our feet, o ye puny males!!!!!

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  8. Absolutely brilliant! Ladybit doctors don't need no medical school - they just need to read this post! Hilarious!

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  9. I lost it at "egg-baby". It was just too funny. And I heard about this whole thing on the news. Akin is an asshole. I mean seriously, "her body has the power to shut down a pregnancy"?? Um, yea, but just because a woman was raped the body doesn't say 'oh, hey, this is the wrong disc, eject'. I swear politicians are born stupid.

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  10. I love it! Yep, don't mess with a woman's chocolate who is PMSing or going through menopause. It could be painful.

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  11. Haha! I love the comparison of the shark brain!

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  12. Wait, Telemann?

    ...what?

    And wow, this is like tentacle-porn anime in reverse. Don't mess with da bitches, yo!

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  13. Wow. I don't think Wikipedia could top this post for accuracy. Well done!

    Now where's my chocolate?

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  14. So very insightful! I particularly like the boob action - but I'm not sure if you should have outed this secret. It's so much more fun to catch guys by surprise.

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  15. As a female, I'm shocked to learn about all these powers I had no idea I possessed. I'm fricken indestructible!!!

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  16. That first picture is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

    Fortunately, it appears that you either did not know or else simply did not reveal the OTHER booby traps and security devices women come equipped with...

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  17. Men, just remember, a woman without a uterus is an easy target!

    Lmao at the pictures!

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  18. Here I have been studying pregnancy and reproductive physiology for six years, and it's Mr. Akin that discovers this brilliant capability of a woman's body. Impressive.

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  19. Omg, I heard about that idiot yesterday! Yes, the rape sperm is immediately recognized by our rape sperm zappers. Everyone knows that...

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  20. This was hysterical and so *ahem* timely...what, to much information?

    "and if you had to expel the viscera of your mortal enemies through your baby canal, you'd probably be moody too."

    That is so very spot on, I think you may have gotten that from your beautiful wife!!

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  21. At first I was little skeptical about what you're saying but your science seems solid. There's no poking holes in "Everyone loves boobs".

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  22. I'll be waiting for Akin to quote from this post at some point in the very near future ;-)

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  23. Best response to Akin so far...

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  24. Firstly I had NOT seen the video. Secondly, you guys need to stop giving these guys your medical opinion. You're taking away their well deserved credibility!

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  25. Oh Bryan and Brandon, this was an excellent post. Love yeah. Extremely brilliant. :)
    I propose this post to be added into every sunday school curriculum.
    I guess this you need to add immigration check in front of the vagina too. See, all legitimate rape sperms can be allowed entry and illegimate rape sperms can be deported back to rapist's whatever.
    Akin seems to me like a genius. I guess his wife could have got pregnant by hugging his photo. Does he have kids? if he doesnt, I am sure his wife's vagina rejected his sperm as illegimate or illegal rape.
    No illegal immigration there in any vagina.

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  26. .
    Oh boy, BEER BOYS!

    >> . . . “Oh… I see your point. Watching men prance around in tights sounds fucking lovely.”

    Don’t think of it as ballet. Think of it as a Jethro Tull concert minus the song about snot running down someone’s nose.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

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  27. Oh my God. Big Scary Cow monster. Funniest thing ever. If I ever have a son, I am totally telling him that exists up there. At the rate these guys are coming up with random science about female anatomy, they may be better off just sticking to your guide. At any rate, they'll be too scared to reproduce, which is probably best for everyone.

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  28. Discovery Channel should have Vagina Week. It'll be a bunch of Austrailian scientists trying to debuff the fact that vaginas are terrifying and dangerous, but then they'll show reenactments of men falling victim to the womanly parts.

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  29. I'm ringing the other half now to pack her bags and get her mutant body out of my house!

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  30. I don't know which part of this is the best! What I do know is that I can never show my wife. Never.

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  31. I sort of resent you giving away our secret arsenal, but at least there is plenty more you haven't yet figured out.

    Hysterical!

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  32. So THAT'S what happened to my testicles!
    No wonder I no longer feel like going to booby bars.

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  33. I thought it was because I was afraid I'd see one of my daughter's friends.
    :-O

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  34. I agree, how does that shit work yo?

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  35. deploy antirape countermeasures flares, chafe, and razors.

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  36. Well damn. I had no idea that my body could do all of that. What I did know is that I can... Oh, right, I can't tell you that. You're going to have to do a lot more research (drinking) if you're going to figure out all of our secret weapons.

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  37. Ha ha! I loved the Pew Pew the best :) I am not sure it was wise to give away all of our secrets, however...you may find yourselves on the wrong side of the uterus pretty soon...

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  38. Geez, and I thought it was something simple, like they all had asbestos stuffed up there. Thanks for the science lesson. I bet Rep. Akin is a long-time reader (because of all the pictures, of course.)

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  39. He is also an expert on the pledge of allegiance

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQ1uu1NY-cg

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  40. That is all so informative. I had no idea about all that. I will be careful next time I try to cup some boobage.

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  41. Dude, the first graphic had me laughing my ass off!

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  42. I think #2 was widely known since Hasbro made a game about the Uterus called "Hungry Hungry Hippos." The hippos were the voracious uterus, and the marbles were sperm marbles. Is this not common knowledge?
    His statement is astoundingly stupid, I would have given him more credit if he said "skirts should have Yosemite Sam printed on them because they're just sperm-flaps for whores." At least that would have been mildly creative...mildly? No? Fuck me.

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  43. Holy cow, I am glad I just peed BEFORE reading this. Now I'm going to go Google that about the shark brain. BTW I just plugged your books in my post. I think groupie status is official now.

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  44. I'm so glad you cleared it up for the rest of the class. Whew, and here I thought my female parts were just for fun, now I find out they're useful to boot.

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  45. Again, there is a serious element here because there is a deep-seated, fear-related misogyny lurking in the background.

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  46. Since Mrs B is already on probation (crimes against man i.e. me....) it looks like I'll have to step it up-to "Double secret probation". Thanks for the heads up.....

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  47. HAHAHA I love this. Though I'm a little scared it's going to fall into the wrong hands and become part of someone's platform...

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  48. You forgot vagina dentata! Didn't you see Teeth??

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  49. Love the "cow monster" and the pew, pew's.

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  50. Hi guys, I just posted that bit about Slim on my blog.

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  51. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  52. Fabulous post :) My husband was wondering what I was laughing out loud about!

    P.s. check out my blog too ;-)

    http://gingersnapsj8.blogspot.com

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  53. Must find a girl wearing a sweater upon which to drop the "sweater trophies" phrase.

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  54. Where is the shark song when we need it? Dun-dun-dun-dun

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  55. Yeah, I saw that idiot's commentary on justified rape or something. Clearly an idiot.

    Sad thing is, he probably would believe half of this if he read it.

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  56. You guys are pretty darn funny you know?

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  57. Those are lies, and you two should be ashamed of yourselves. All that is an unnecessary because, as Gini mentioned, there is vagina dentata. You've never felt until you've experienced a vaginal tooth extraction.

    Also, I have no clue how to e-mail you because I am a dummy.

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  58. Shark brain vs the Neverlands, sure to hell isnt a coincidence

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  59. jervaise brooke hamsterAugust 28, 2012 at 10:03 AM

    I`ve always prefered to bugger birds, vaginal penetration is so ludicrously out-moded in this day and age, its much better to get your knob up a young girls bum than to simply fuck her. Birds arse-holes are the holy grail of sexual activity, the gateway to sexual heaven (as it were), the pot of gold at the end of the proverbial sexual rainbow (so to speak). Never waste your time fucking a bird if you can get your knob up her bum instead ! ! !.

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  60. Had my testicles not already been vacuumed off by an angry woman in a McDonalds restaraunt last year, I would've just laughed them off reading this...
    It would be nice to know if evolution has provided males with counter attack, or at the very least, defense mechanisms...surely evolution isn't that one sided?...
    Awesome post Dudes...

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  61. A raped woman's body has the power to shut down a pregnancy? Wtf? I guess that guy has never been raped before. Does he understand the notion or did someone once whisper in his ear it's pretty much like tickling?

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