The Idiot's Guide to the Female Body

The female body: an unexplainable mystery. As ICP once brilliantly asked about magnets, "how does that shit work, yo?" Well, when it came to women, we weren't sure. We were pretty sure it was magic. Or witchcraft.

Thankfully, a brilliant scientific mind emerged with all of the answers we were seeking. He's US Representative Todd Akin, staunch Republican politician and expert on the female body. In a recent interview, he dropped some serious science when he stated that abortions aren't necessary in the case of rape, because when a woman gets raped, her body has the power to shut down a pregnancy. (See vid here)

So after a long night of thorough research and investigative journalism* we wanted to share with you some other amazing findings that you might not have known about the wonderful and mysterious female body.

*heavy drinking

This is NOT a coincidence

The fact of the matter is that a woman's reproductive system is an impenetrable fortress of organic weaponry laying dormant, like a cobra, just waiting for its opportunity to strike. The following is a list of those weapons.

1. The fallopian tubes, essentially the uterus's tentacles, can lift up to 50 times their own body weight, similar to that of an ant. When threatened, the fallopian tubes will squeeze its victim into strangulation, similar to that of a boa constrictor, and if that fails, they can release a blinding ink which will allow them the chance to escape.

2. The Uterus. It was once widely accepted that the sole function of the uterus was to serve as the gestation bag for a fertilized egg-baby. However, what many folks may not know is that the uterus is also a testicle vacuum. It has the suction power of an airplane toilet and can effectively remove the sperm marbles of any male within a ten foot radius. It is not limited to defense from attackers. In fact, the testicle removing mechanism is typically reserved for unwitting boyfriends and husbands in the vicinity.

3. Ovaries, once thought to hold eggs, are actually sacs that contain a noxious nerve toxin. When released into the open air, victims have been known to suffer from projectile vomiting, bone liquification, and uncontrollable night terrors.

4.Boobs. Everyone loves boobs. And that's perfectly cool. Unless you try to love someone else's boobs with your hands without first asking their permission. See, breasts aren't just squishy fistfuls of fun for all. No, it's not fun when the needle shoots out of the nipple and drains all the blood out of your body, leaving behind nothing but a pruny, perverted husk of dessication.

Lastly, you might be wondering why this hasn't all created a bloody mess. Well, as the reproductive organs feast on human flesh, excess build up of blood can get trapped in the uterus. When a woman has her period, it's actually the monthly purge of her victims' blood.

So fellas, next time your lady is having her time of the month, and she's irritable, and all she wants is for you to rub her feet or grab her a chocolate bar, do it. She's going through an awful lot right now, and if you had to expel the viscera of your mortal enemies through your baby canal, you'd probably be moody too.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: G. Telemann
Beer:  Shiner Blonde