Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Idiot's Guide to Fantasy Football

Summer is drawing to a close, which means that football season is about to begin. And while there's nothing quite like watching real, professional sports teams duke it out on the gridiron, for the rest of us, who are most likely too soft and squishy to be slamming each other into astroturf, we have to play in our own way: fantasy football. Here, by compiling and analyzing the numerical stats of the professional players we choose, we can pit them against the numerical stats of our friends, family, and even fellow bloggers, to see whose numbers reign supreme.

It's kinda like the NFL equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons.




So here at A Beer for the Shower, we realize that many of you (being the questionably "sane" people that you are) may have no clue about the glorious lifestyle that is fantasy football leaguing and might be interested in joining the fray. Well, today we've put together a guidebook for those looking to learn about the many necessary sacrifices that such a competitive hobby demands...

First, you absolutely have to take off 3 days from work to watch the NFL draft. This is rookie level dedication, and if you can't do it, well, sorry bub, but you deserve whatever chump you get stuck with as your quarterback.


Second, if you aren't paying at least $100 for a league entry fee, you are most likely a pre-pubescent girl. Because, everybody knows that free fantasy football is for chumps, and this is the year you're going to win big.


And speaking of monetary investment, you'd damn well better be dropping $50 to your TV provider for the NFL Redzone channel so you can watch every single game and constantly evaluate your players.


Next, you have to neglect your wife and family while evaluating said players at least 6 hours a day. Watching hour after hour of muscular men in tights falling on each other instead of having sexy time with your beautiful wife isn't gay at all.



Then, spend more time crunching player statistical numbers than you did working on last year's taxes. The number of times per year a quarterback has scrambled out of the pocket is totally relevant to who you're going to pick and could absolutely be the difference between whether you win big or not.


And if anyone asks why you have Aaron Rodgers' medical records, you just tell them that you aren't going to invest your time drafting some sissy that gets the sniffles and costs you first place!

Next is the draft, and then the gameplay itself. Little of that is important, since you're such an expert now. What's most important is trash talk, which is especially menacing over the Internet. So what are you waiting for? Get in that little chat room and talk some shit!




Then, when the season is over, celebrate the fact that you took 8th place, which out of 10 people isn't last place! Sure, you lost over $200 (plus lost wages from all that time off), but there's always compulsive gambling to win it all back, right? Also, don't take shit from those who won, like the teenage girl who took 2nd place just by picking who she thought was hottest (we can't help it if Tom Brady is good AND good looking). Because yeah, she won $250, but she doesn't know football like YOU do, sport.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Spector
Beer: Stella Artois





47 comments:

  1. HaHA I am the fantasy football queen in my all female fantasty football league 2 years running- chicks dig the long ball baby!!!!! You got balls- you can't join our league!!!!

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  2. I believe you already used the "I'll make orphans of your children!" line on me...and you know what? My kids didn't appreciate it one bit!

    Your going down sucka! I'm on to your draft strategy and it's not gonna work

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  3. Damn it, I was thinking today about the irony of people who play fantasy sports leagues but scoff at D&D. Can't use those jokes now. Not until next year at least

    BTW, I'm a few stories in reading "Chasing the Sandman", not bad at all mate. You should be a writer :p

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  4. You joke, but I seriously lose my husband for hours a night whenever it's time to draft for his fantasy team. Last year we were out to dinner and it was running long so HE LEFT ME THERE AT THE RESTAURANT to go home and draft his people.

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  5. From a fantasy football ignoramous, I thank you for this enlightening post. I suddenly have the urge to give up my gainful employment, eat spam and lose my money. I'd so be the one picking the hotest guy and hoping I win, and I'm far from being a teenager! Loved the drawings.

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  6. No thank you, fantasy football league. I think I'll continue to waste my time blogging instead. Much of a same muchness.

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  7. I don't understand all the ins and outs of Fantasy Football, but comparing it to Dungeons and Dragons sounds pretty accurate to me. Golly, the people who are all wrapped up in it sound like real nerds.
    You'll excuse me now. I need to get to my monthly meeting of the Star Trek Fan Club. I don't want to miss this afternoon's lecture topic: Klingon At the Drive-Thru.

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  8. Bahahah and this is why I don't do fantasy football.

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  9. I may have to feed my children mac and cheese and hamburger helper for the next six months - but I've got my NFL Ticket dammit!!!! I will not miss a Giant's game!

    I have bookmarked this page and will be using these strategies against you...watch out boys!! (I don't care if I don't know a damn thing about fantasy football, that I missed the draft and will probably forget I'm in the league) You guys are going down!!!

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  10. Last year, I would actually watch an entire game using that live arrow system on NFL.com since I couldn't watch the game on my basic cable. It's sad that I would blow up over the slightest movement in arrows. There's nothing worse than yelling at refs you can't even see.

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  11. @Just Keepin' It Real

    My wife surgically removed them upon marriage and keeps them in her purse. Am I still not invited?

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  12. Okay, I must set some things straight. First, they run the draft on prime time, now, so you only have to have a first-shift job. Second, you can eliminate both the money angle and the neglect problem by running a family league (if you have a poor family like mine). Third, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about Red Zone. Even if you have to cut back on beer and chips to pay for it. And finally- "Hey, Jackass!" - LOL!!!!

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  13. I can't quite tell if you're being faceticius but everything you said is true. Except for watching the draft. I pay people to do that for me.

    There is nothing like going into a monday night game needing Ronnie Brown to get you 7 points for a win and screaming at the TV and hurling full beers at your children.

    Good times.

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  14. Wow, fantasy football was a world I knew nothing about. Can't say my grasp on the subject is very extensive, but now I know that it's serious business anyway! :)

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  15. ...and I thought fantasy soccer league was bad, fecking funny!

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  16. I tried it once, couldn't hang. I just like to watch the games. :)

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  17. Considering it's called "Fantasy Football", it's surprisingly mundane.

    In my version, all the players would be replaced by scantily-clad warrior maidens who would duke it out on the slopes of an erupting volcano. Occasionally, a quarter back would spontaneously turn into a flamenco-dancing bush baby, initiating a bonus round in which everyone removes their clothes and jumps into a vat of warm butter.

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  18. Not interested in football. Real or otherwise. However, my little brother is into the fantasy leagues. I still don't get it.

    Oh well. Good luck destroying people's teams and crushing their souls with your biting smack talk! :)

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  19. Oh lord, my wife gets a little intense this time of year. She loves her some fantasy football.

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  20. LOL
    I knew there was a reason I don't watch football.

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  21. And I am STILL completely lost with this fantasy football stuff.

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  22. "Grandma knew what she was getting into...

    Ahh, you BEER BOYS literally made me laugh out loud!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'



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  23. Ha! I'm just going to sit this one out, I'm a big sissy :)

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  24. I'm sorry, I lost interest when you mentioned football. But I thought I'd leave a comment so you would at least know I visited. I have no interest in football, fantasy or otherwise.

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  25. Excellent, now I feel prepared for Jax's league! Of course, I'm not really going to do any of that, 'cause there aint no way I'm actually gonna watch a football game!

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  26. I can definitely vouch for the Red zone annoying shit. My brother lives by the fucking show, and he's not even in a league. Though he's as obnoxious as a dragon and I'd like to throw him in a dungeon when that he was that shit on.

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  27. LMAO I am so not getting into it that much, I hate taxes, you had to go and compare it to those huh? hahaha

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  28. So... can we get a Super Idiot's guide to fantasy football? Or... never mind. I think I'll just eat pizza.

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  29. You lost me at football...but I read through anyway. Never done a fantasy draft but WOW I've witnessed people get REALLY into it. I just don't get it. Good luck with yours! ;)

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  30. lol I don't know a thing about football and I got pretty confused about... everything... but I read it! Well, I understood the trash talk part, but that's about it. Maybe with all the blog posts I've seen about it, I'll actually learn something more than it involves numbers and trash talk is important... but probably not.

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  31. I love that fantasy football exposes the nerdiness of the sports-centric, bringing us all closer together. Here's how I picture my peace picnic with nerds and jocks, "So you see, person with mass, we are not so different you and I, we both enjoy beer, not talking after orgasm, fantasizing about defecating on certain coworkers' desks, and playing pretend with improbably genetically enhanced people (mine just happens to be Spider-Man). Now let us celebrate with quinoa salad and--OW MY FACE!" Dammit, imaginary jocks still get angry at food they don't understand.

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  32. I love football, but am not a fan of the "fantasy" football. It takes away the actual fun of watching the game, for me.

    Plus, I'd have to deal with my cousin "Guido", to set things in motion, and I generally try to avoid that. LOL

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  33. I've been breathing, eating, and fucking fantasy football for the past three weeks. I think I own every magazine possible, I've participated in three mock drafts (more to come), and I have actual anxiety over what round to draft my QB. Fall is my favorite season thanks to fantasy. Not football, but fantasy football.

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  34. NFL D&D? Why has no one thought of this before? It'll make the nerds feel a little more manly. lol.

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  35. How many players on a fantasy football team because the other day I just saw a slide show for the twenty hottest NFL players? But, then, that's a whole other fantasy.

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  36. I'd rather just stick to sleeping. Football's too violent for me, thank you.

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  37. I've never even heard of it, but I think I will keep Mr. RK away from it ;)

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  38. You're mocking but you seem to know an awful lot about it!

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  39. Sounds like fun, but I'll pass. We have fantasy football for soccer in these parts.

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  40. Wow! You got Peyton Manning to stop in for a cameo! You are AWEsome (well drawn too).

    However, you also displayed your ignorance for one of the greatest games ever invented...everyone knows that roll should have been a 20-sided die!

    Rookie.

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  41. I tried it years ago. Never got the point

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  42. I think I'll stick with watching people play eSports online.

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  43. I could justify or explain away all of the concerns raised in this post until I came to the one about spending more time on a fantasy football draft than I did on my taxes last year. Still not sure why I paid the IRS $7,300 after making less than 12k but it was totally worth it just to get my "I have to justify my life financially for the last year in two hours before the filing deadline" rush.

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  44. Why can't the SO's yoga time turn into her enjoying a good round of draft picks.

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  45. Yeah, I use to wanna play football when I was a kid, but I've always been too afraid of fire-breathing dragons. I played baseball when I was younger though! I don't fear Ogres or Cyclopes!

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  46. ...Am I the only one who noticed that the beer for this post was Stella Artois? o_O

    Also: based on all the research you do for Fantasy Football, I'm surprised that American universities haven't officially started offering it as a legitimate course, on par with Statistics!

    -Barb the French Bean

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