With that said, camping this weekend was a lot of fun. We hiked to the top of a goddamn mountain (not a mountain, a goddamn mountain) which didn't so much have a "path" as "fallen trees and a bunch of huge ass rocks." We didn't kill ourselves or get eaten by bears in the process, so we celebrated by cracking open a beer at the summit, which I have to say, was pretty cool and damn satisfying. If you haven't tried it... do it.
Moving on. Today's post is about the Olympics. It's the front page article of every newspaper, the topic of every water cooler conversation, and it's being broadcast on every TV across the globe, whether in the home, or out at the bar, restaurants, etc. And while everyone is cheering and screaming for more, I'm about to say something blasphemous. Are you ready? I don't give a shit about the Olympics. At all. Not even one tiny bit.
No, fuck you, overly-sensitive-guy. I DO mean it. And unlike everyone else, I can admit it. Because you see, I don't think everyone cares as much as they say they do.
Don't believe me? Okay, let's go back to the 2008 Summer Olympics. Name 10 gold medal winners. Go ahead, I'll wait. Can you? I sure as hell can't. And guess what, even if you threw 10 names at me, I wouldn't be able to verify them because I don't remember any of them. Frankly, the only thing I even remember about the Olympics from the last 25 years, aside from the fact that Michael Phelps likes to hit the bong, is that at one point Jamaica had a bobsled team ("Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme!").
|4 grown men in a bathtub: it's not gay if you're training for the Olympics|
I think we get swept up in all the hype and then forget about it almost immediately after it's over. Even our hometown winners are easily forgotten. I mean, here in Denver, you can always overhear talk like this.
But come on, how many times have you heard something like this?
And as if that wasn't bad enough, the millions upon millions of people watching the Olympics aren't all watching it because they appreciate the hard work, dedication, and grueling physical punishment that goes into these events. Oh no, to a huge portion of those viewers, this is just public broadcast softcore porn.
Meet Kateryna Zavgorodniy. She's 21, and for the past 15 years, since she was just 6 years old, she's spent upwards of 4-5 hours per day, 5 days a week, training gymnastics for this one event. She's the perfect specimen of strength, agility, and flexibility, and today is her day to win gold for her country, Ukraine.
Let's gather around the ol' boob tube and check in with her 'fans,' shall we?
Yeah, that's right, they don't give a shit about her abilities and they have no idea what her name is or where she's from. To them, they only care that they can see the faintest outline of her vagina, that she can bend into a pretzel at will, and as far as they know, her first name is Katrina or Karanina or something "Russian sounding" and her last name is a machine-gun blast of consonants they can't even begin to wrap their minds around.
But really, would you expect anything less from a bunch of straight men gathering around a TV to watch gymnastics? Or the women's trampoline jump? Or volleyball?
Hell, as Brandon and I have been out at the bar, you wouldn't believe the number of men we've seen watching women's volleyball while drooling like a basset hound in a beef factory. They can't tell you what the score is or even what countries are playing, but like said basset hound, they sure can identify each player by their (highly toned) ass. As for us, well, we're hard pressed not to join them on that.
The Olympics: every 4 years, men suddenly find volleyball interesting. And women don't seem to question this.
Hell, I think men will gather around and watch young, incredibly fit women compete in ANYTHING, so long as they're wearing booty shorts/bikinis that always seem to ride up into their asscheeks.
So if you're one of the few who actually watches the Olympics because you truly care whether dear Kateryna brings gold back to her country, good for you. For the rest of you... you can stop pretending to give a shit, and I just want to let you know that there's this little thing called the "Internet," it has this stuff called "porn," and it will totally fulfill your needs to watch bouncing body parts.
So let's cut the bullshit... do you REALLY care about the Olympics?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon
Music: Kishi Bashi
Beer: Shiner Bock
p.s. We know this is already a long post, but we wanted to give you a heads-up on a big surprise. Both of us are planning to release brand-spanking new (written a few years ago) solo books within the next week or so. Brandon's is a collection of dark and macabre short stories entitled "Chasing the Sandman." And Bryan's is a novel titled "Demetri and the Banana Flavored Rocket Ship." We promise, you will not be disappointed. Cheers!