Monday, August 6, 2012

I Truly Don't Care About the Olympics

Before I get into today's post, we're on the last week of our Kickstarter, which will help fund our new novel, and right now we need your help more than ever to reach our goal. If we don't reach the goal, we get nothing. Our goal may seem a bit steep to some, but for what we're doing we're not asking a lot, and we assure you that none of this goes into our pockets. This all goes into the book. And again, thanks to all who have donated! We truly appreciate it!

With that said, camping this weekend was a lot of fun. We hiked to the top of a goddamn mountain (not a mountain, a goddamn mountain) which didn't so much have a "path" as "fallen trees and a bunch of huge ass rocks." We didn't kill ourselves or get eaten by bears in the process, so we celebrated by cracking open a beer at the summit, which I have to say, was pretty cool and damn satisfying. If you haven't tried it... do it.



Moving on. Today's post is about the Olympics. It's the front page article of every newspaper, the topic of every water cooler conversation, and it's being broadcast on every TV across the globe, whether in the home, or out at the bar, restaurants, etc. And while everyone is cheering and screaming for more, I'm about to say something blasphemous. Are you ready? I don't give a shit about the Olympics. At all. Not even one tiny bit.


No, fuck you, overly-sensitive-guy. I DO mean it. And unlike everyone else, I can admit it. Because you see, I don't think everyone cares as much as they say they do.

Don't believe me? Okay, let's go back to the 2008 Summer Olympics. Name 10 gold medal winners. Go ahead, I'll wait. Can you? I sure as hell can't. And guess what, even if you threw 10 names at me, I wouldn't be able to verify them because I don't remember any of them. Frankly, the only thing I even remember about the Olympics from the last 25 years, aside from the fact that Michael Phelps likes to hit the bong, is that at one point Jamaica had a bobsled team ("Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme!").

4 grown men in a bathtub: it's not gay if you're training for the Olympics
I think we get swept up in all the hype and then forget about it almost immediately after it's over. Even our hometown winners are easily forgotten. I mean, here in Denver, you can always overhear talk like this.


But come on, how many times have you heard something like this?


And as if that wasn't bad enough, the millions upon millions of people watching the Olympics aren't all watching it because they appreciate the hard work, dedication, and grueling physical punishment that goes into these events. Oh no, to a huge portion of those viewers, this is just public broadcast softcore porn.

Meet Kateryna Zavgorodniy. She's 21, and for the past 15 years, since she was just 6 years old, she's spent upwards of 4-5 hours per day, 5 days a week, training gymnastics for this one event. She's the perfect specimen of strength, agility, and flexibility, and today is her day to win gold for her country, Ukraine.

Let's gather around the ol' boob tube and check in with her 'fans,' shall we?



Yeah, that's right, they don't give a shit about her abilities and they have no idea what her name is or where she's from. To them, they only care that they can see the faintest outline of her vagina, that she can bend into a pretzel at will, and as far as they know, her first name is Katrina or Karanina or something "Russian sounding" and her last name is a machine-gun blast of consonants they can't even begin to wrap their minds around.

But really, would you expect anything less from a bunch of straight men gathering around a TV to watch gymnastics? Or the women's trampoline jump? Or volleyball? 

Hell, as Brandon and I have been out at the bar, you wouldn't believe the number of men we've seen watching women's volleyball while drooling like a basset hound in a beef factory. They can't tell you what the score is or even what countries are playing, but like said basset hound, they sure can identify each player by their (highly toned) ass. As for us, well, we're hard pressed not to join them on that.










The Olympics: every 4 years, men suddenly find volleyball interesting. And women don't seem to question this.

Hell, I think men will gather around and watch young, incredibly fit women compete in ANYTHING, so long as they're wearing booty shorts/bikinis that always seem to ride up into their asscheeks.




So if you're one of the few who actually watches the Olympics because you truly care whether dear Kateryna brings gold back to her country, good for you. For the rest of you... you can stop pretending to give a shit, and I just want to let you know that there's this little thing called the "Internet," it has this stuff called "porn," and it will totally fulfill your needs to watch bouncing body parts.

So let's cut the bullshit... do you REALLY care about the Olympics?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Kishi Bashi
Beer: Shiner Bock





p.s. We know this is already a long post, but we wanted to give you a heads-up on a big surprise. Both of us are planning to release brand-spanking new (written a few years ago) solo books within the next week or so. Brandon's is a collection of dark and macabre short stories entitled "Chasing the Sandman." And Bryan's is a novel titled "Demetri and the Banana Flavored Rocket Ship." We promise, you will not be disappointed. Cheers!

53 comments:

  1. So glad to see you haven't killed yourselves whilst hiking. As for kickstarter, I upped my pledge a couple days ago. Keep pushing!

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  2. Top of the mountain experiences are amazing - beer or no beer (Dan, if you read this, please don't hurt me). And about the Olympics lol... I freaked out a whole roomful of family members the other day with the simple question of:

    "Who is Michael Phelps?"

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  3. I don't really care about the olympics either. I do remember Kerry Strugg winning gold for USA back in 96 in gymnastics when she basically broke her ankle on the vault.

    You never seem any female gymnasts with huge knockers.

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  4. Would it count if I just named Phelps ten times? No? Hey what about that one dude...oh what was his name? Nevermind...I have volleyball to watch!

    @lady in red... you gonna get a spanking! It might hurt a little!

    @abfts... I'm trying my best to pimp you guys out but all of my followers already follow you so it's kinda like pissing into the wind! I will be upset if my money gets returned to me!

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  5. Yeah the olympics can kiss my behind, never cared and never will, but that Jamacian bobsled team, they are bad arse mothers who won't take no shit from nobody, at least a mirror.

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  6. I laughed pretty hard at the quidditch part

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  7. I'm liking the solo novels. I have to admit I like the sound of Brandon's more but that's just me. You guys should change your name to "A Beer For The Summit." But congrats on getting up there :)

    I for one do not care at all about the Olympics. I have not watched one second of them. I feel bad for all the female athletes who are basically become softcore pornstars. What's worse is that there are some of them who are like 16 and stuff, and you know guys are sat at home watching that, and jacking off.

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  8. I'm a bit of a fairweather sports fan myself. I watch with keen interest when a major tournament or event is on, otherwise, I can't be arsed. I'm a terrible person and belong with those hideous cretins up there. Please kill me...

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  9. The Olympics...I prefer the winter sports, but will still watch gymnastics in the summer...especially MENs' gymnastics. Bunch of fit guys in spandex, mmmm. Guess I'm almost as bad as the guys, except mens' gymnastics doesn't usually have 12 year olds..

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  10. Lol...that Cool Runnings gif is awesome. I was singing that song last night after Jamaica went 1-2 in the 100m. Usain Bolt is a bad motha fucka. Also, he won gold in 2008. So that's Bolt, Phelps, um... Nastia Liukin. (she's the blonde chick in the Subway commercials) and um... yeah that's all I got.

    I cared about the Olympics once. But after my 11-year old heart was broken by someone smaller but older and much more fit than me, well, that kinda sucked the fun out of it forever.

    Actually, the real reason I don't care as much (besides falling into the 'team sport' trap like a regular guy) is because they're so damn predictable. Getting real tired of seeing the same athletes from the same country win the same events. Even if that country is our country.

    Where's the drama, ya know? I mean, if I knew my Packers were just gonna let John Elway and Terrell Davis run right over them I wouldn't have watched a second of it. So why am I watching Phelps win for the 8,000th time?

    Good luck with your Kickstarter campaign, and your upcoming releases!

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  11. Congrats on the books! Okay, I'm addicted to this coverage right now. But I figure, it's the only time in four years I get to watch gymnastics and other cool sports really (you have to be a die hard fan to actually know what other times gymnastics is on tv). It's true I forget about a lot of stuff soon after, but I'm like that about all sports pretty much. Who won the superbowl last year? Can't remember.

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  12. I miss the 'top of the mountains'.

    Olympics - just say NO.

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  13. Damn, I didn't know you didn't get the money if you didn't reach your goal. Is that why my account hasn't been charged the money, yet?

    Anyway, the Olympics are like a herpes outbreak. They come and they go. Other than that, they are nothing alike. So, I guess the Olympics are really nothing like a herpes outbreak. I think I'm trying to alleviate my current outbreak by focusing on it more? I don't know.

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  14. You know what sport you should really watch out for when your wife is around. Womens Water Polo. More boobs fall out in that sport than girls gone wild. lol.

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  15. Glad to know the bears didn't get you on the hike, always a plus!

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  16. One of my English profs in college asked this girl if she "happened to play volleyball" one day after class. Yes, she had great tracts of land.

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  17. I enjoy the Olympics, but only certain events. However, I can see your point here. I couldn't tell you the names of 90% of those athletes. We just DVR everything and fast forward through the crap we don't want to watch.

    Is that really what typical residents of Colorado look like? Interesting...

    PS: Way to defeat that mountain! And I'm glad you didn't get 'et by none 'o' them bears. :)

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  18. As you know, I'm a little bit of both: I care about some athletes and their training and hardwork and dedication, and then some sports (men's swimming) I watch only for the eye candy. Sorry about the almost naked man that took up your whole screen when you viewed my blog. Maybe that post should have a soft porn warning.

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  19. lol lol

    I have a confession that shocks everyone around me. I've never seen, heard, or tuned into anything ever Olympic related. The only thing I know about the Olympics is that Michael Phelps exists, has a rock hard body, and used to smoke pot.

    Guess that shows how much I really care :P

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  20. I'm not a huge fan of the olympics either. That said, watching someone win is definitely inspiring. What some athletes are able to do is also inspiring. It's a shame, though, that gold medalists are pretty much radiated from the national conciousness a year or so after the games. PS- I heard men's synchronized swimming was worth watching;);) Women can be perves too:)

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  21. >> . . . I Truly Don't Care About the Olympics

    I'll go you BEER BOYS one better:
    I HATE the Olympics!

    Last night I happened to see about 5 minutes of 'The Hammer Throw', only because it was already on the boob tube and I was standing by as the place where I work was closing up.

    I'm watching these dudes fling this hammer and thinking: You've spent countless hours training for this, year after year, and what a waste of perfectly good time. Do you not think that time could have been better spent? And what kind of job will your hammer throwing skills get you? A job throwing bales of hay off a farm truck out in a cow pasture near Bakersfield maybe?

    Oh, and I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but the country that brings home the most Gold is not necessarily the best. Furthermore, probably two-thirds (or more) of those athletes are juiced.

    The only thing the Olympics are good for is the inspiration they provided for this funny blog bit.

    >> . . . "The Olympics: every 4 years, men suddenly find volleyball interesting. And women don't seem to question this."

    HA!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  22. I swam competitively from the 5th grade all the way through college, so I do give a little bit of a shit for the sport. You have to admire the power these guys and girls exert in the pool. Their strokes are gorgeous. For real, I have stroke envy.

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  23. omg I CANNOT STAND THEM! that's only partially true...i went to greece another lifetime ago and apparently was shown the field where some of the first olympic foot races were so somehow i feel obligated to care. but the truth is i really don't...loved.

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  24. Summer olympics often leave me saying "I can't believe _______ is an olympic sport". I do like the winter olympics. That being said, I can't name gold medal winners of the last winter olympics (except Team Canada for hockey!!)... even though it was just two years ago and hosted by my city. :|

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  25. Glad to know you guys did not end up eaten by cannibals while hiking. Ergh, you're lucky you live in an awesome place, full of mountains. In my country, the highest natural point is a mud mound.

    Since I'm not a horny man, I do watch the Olympics for the sport :P But it's true that I only get caught up in the hype. I also tend to forget who won what soon after. I think most people love the medal count, and whole China vs USA thing going on.

    As for me, it's only once every 4 years that I bother to watch some sports, otherwise I give everything a miss.

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  26. Congrats on the upcoming release of the solo books, gentlemen!!! You are really on a roll. love it. I actually really do enjoy watching the Olympics...then again I sang along with Paris Hilton's song for weeks thinking it was Gwen Stefani so I doubt my taste...a LOT.

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  27. Thank you, because I don't see what all of the fuss is about either. What do you mean if you don't make your goal, you get nothing?

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  28. My only interest is in the well built boys (18 and over, of course) in thier little swim panties. I do enjoy that.

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  29. I'm sorry; I really love watching the Olympics! I'm amazed at the skill and work involved. I know, I'm weird. But I'm also old. Well, not so old that I can't appreciate the well built American Basketball team.

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  30. I enjoy watching the Olympics or any other sporting event with a lot of production value while doing cardio at the gym... or while thinking that I should be doing cardio at the gym. Either way I'm sure the Olympics are helping me to be in better shape.

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  31. even londoners are not that interested...

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  32. I guess it's like those world cups and boy bands. They stay? No. They're liked. Definitely.
    And the pics are good.

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  33. I went camping this weekend and had beer, too. Didn't need a mountain, though.
    Just a tree to pee behind from.
    Wait...wait....that doesn't sound right. Even though "tree to pee" sounds quite poetic.
    Let's try...
    Just a tree from which behind to pee.
    Crap! That sounds worse. And it makes it sound like I pee from my behind.
    Okay, one last time.
    Just a tree from which I can pee behind from.
    Damn!!!! THAT doesn't work, either.
    The hell with it. You know what I mean.
    Oh yeah. Olympics suck.

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  34. I'm never going to look at sporting events the same way ever again.

    Come to think of it, though, I used to watch tennis matches in the 90's because I of Andre Agassi (during his long haired days)

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  35. Nobody cares about the Olympics. It's an international distraction from the horrors all our countries are perpetrating on other countries manifested in the form of athletic jingoism. "If we can't conquer you through colonialism, we'll dominate your petty country through basketball!"
    That being said, it's so entertaining. I mean, you ever get stoned and watch the Octathlon?

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  36. i like some of the Olympics. i notice the guys are showing more "crack" in their Speedos lately! my husband and i mostly like the events that we know about, because we used to participate in them (or attempt to).
    I didn't know they even had some of the events, like trap shooting! i'm pretty sure that doesn't require tight-fitting, revealing clothing! i can't imagine being comfortable doing any events in some of those butt-cheek- hanging-out outfits!

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  37. You guys had a beer summit!

    I watched the gymnastics but only because I used to be one once upon a time.

    I can't wait to read each of your solo projects. Fingers crossed on the Kickstarter project too. I wish i could pledge more guys...

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  38. I just watched a freaky show on cable last night about mountain climbers caught up in some kidnapping plot. They all died. Do NOT talk to strangers you meet in the mountains.

    But I don't watch the Olympics. Not since Tanya Harding plotted to take out Nancy Kerrigan in '94. Those were the good old days.

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  39. I'm excited for your books!

    And I am sooooo glad I'm not the only one who really doesn't care about the Olympics. One of my good friends has had the Olympics blaring on her tv NON-STOP since they started. I just don't get it.

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  40. I can name Michael Phelps and Anton Apollo Ohno, but he is from the winter Olympics.

    I am with you. I don't care about the Olympics. All I have seen is what is playing when I happen to be at someone else's house. They just do nothing for me.

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  41. I'm surprised waterpolo didn't make it in this list. Because there are a lot of nipslips in waterpolo.

    As in, there's an entire subreddit dedicate to that stuff...

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  42. New books, awesome.

    The Olympics are on?

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  43. Soooo glad you wrote this. I'm not at all into the Olympics either. Gymnastics was on the other night, vault, and I did watch, but I didn't care who won. If it's not American football, I really don't care.

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  44. olympics is fun.
    After watching cricket for eternity , finally some variety :)
    Why not for a few weeks?

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  45. The Olympics....zzzzzzzzzzzz (snore snore) zzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Plus 5 extra bucks today, fellas! ;)

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  46. I already gave to the cause, and I'm crossing my fingers, hoping you guys will make your goal!

    Loved the comment about the Basset Hound. (I had one growing up) If I'm being totally honest, the Olympics don't mean as much to someone (like me) who spent a lifetime of nothing but embarrassment and patheticness when it came to playing sports.

    I can appreciate all of the hard work the athletes put into it and all, but I'm just not that interested in spending the rest of my summer, sitting around watching it.

    Don't hate me.

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  47. Today I was watching women's wrestling and women's boxing. Oooooo, those sexy butches!

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  48. I guess i do care about the olympics , esp swim related !

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  49. I only watch the ending of the gymnastics when the girls won the gold. I am not one for watching the Olympics, but I will catch certain events that interest me. Congrats on making up the damn mountain without using a trail.

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  50. LOL! thought about allyuh when i saw this...

    http://www.someecards.com/sports-cards/porn-olympic-women-beach-volleyball-funny-ecard

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  51. Awesome! A couple of thoughts:

    1) Did she say "Snitch", or "Snatch"? I'm old and hard of hearing!
    2) Michael Boatman (comedian) made a comment after the last Olympics that the day after watching gymnastics, he had to go register as a sex offender, saying that he didn't even realize he was a pedophile!
    3) I have watched a lot of Olympics this year, but not gymnastics or (God forbid) swimming; we're soccer players in this house, so we watched a lot of that, plus some shooting (NOT hot chicks, I promise you that!)
    4) I have watched women's beach volleyball, but those chicks have no breasts :(

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