Thursday, July 12, 2012

Why I Didn't Get Hired By The Onion


Heya folks. Brandon here. I’ve decided that today there shall be no comics. Instead, I offer up a couple articles of fake news I wrote a few years back for a job application with The Onion. Obviously they didn’t hire me, but I came across these whilst cleaning out folders and thought some of you might get a kick out of reading them. They were my first real attempt at writing humor, so feel free to give me plenty of shit.

*****

Local Man Wins Panhandler of the Year Award

Denver- Presently local man “Soupbone” Samson was happy to be the recipient of this year’s Colorado Panhandler of the Year Award.
            According to award judge, Reverend Moondog, “Soupbone is a pioneer in the field. He’s taking vagabonds to the next frontier in business enterprise.” Indeed, having been credited with creating the non-violent intimidation technique, termed ‘kittyhawking,’ he is truly a master of his art.
            At approximately twenty-nine years of age, Mr. Samson is well on his way to the top of curbside entrepreneurship. If he keeps earning at his current rate, he will soon be in the running for the Panhandler Nationals competition held annually in New York City. “After that,” warns a fellow colleague with a shudder, “he be well on his way to payin’ taxes.” At least for the rest of the competing field, this would be a relief, as lack of a taxable income is one of the Guild of Panhandlers’ first requirements for membership.
            “Soupbone’s numbers are constantly in the black,” says Moondog from the porthole of his Maytag refrigerator box, “which isn’t surprising considering his aggressive, yet naturally pathetic approach to begging. Of course he was a shoe-in. Well, if he owned a pair of shoes, that is.”
            Mr. Samson could not be reached at home for comment.

*****

Man Looking For Waldo Inadvertently Finds Jesus

Denver- Local man Timothy Weed was sorely disappointed to find that a gag-gift given by his brother contained not the well-known explorer Waldo, but a tiny figure of Jesus hidden within the puzzling background of each page.
            “I just don’t understand what the big fuss is all about. I mean my cousin Walter found Jesus when he was twenty-four, and made it out to be this monumental experience. To tell you the truth, I was pretty disappointed. I don’t know, I guess I just kind of feel a little gypped.” Indeed, he is not alone in his sentiments. Where’s Waldo publisher, Candlewick, is outraged at the removal of beloved character Waldo by recently acquired art editor Tom Bungole.
            When approached on the matter, Bungole cited his bold decision to replace the lanky candy-striper with the Prince of Peace in his personal quest to morally strengthen what he sees as “dangerously unwholesome education” of children.
            “It practically condones pedophilic activity,” says Bungole. “I mean, we can’t be teaching children to seek the company of a male drifter who hides from plain sight. And wearing red and white stripes no less? It’s blatant manipulation of their subconscious desires for saccharine sweets.”
            Mr. Bungole believes that children should be encouraged not to find Waldo, but to find Jesus, and consequently “spend more time with older role models that are more morally dedicated. Like a Catholic priest, maybe.”
            Apparently, Mr. Weed was unimpressed with his experience of finding Christ and so did what he decided any reasonable person would do. “I fed it to my goats. Honestly, what the hell am I gonna do with a Where’s Waldo book without Waldo? I mean that’s like buying Busty Brunette Babes #42, and finding out all the women in it look like this Jesus guy. Nobody wants to see that. Trust me, I’ve dated my fair share of hippie chicks.”

*****

Well, there you have it in writing, my friends: the reason why I was promptly fired from my brief stint in legitimate journalism. That reason of course being that I never take anything seriously. Especially the news.  Except for that one time I wrote an interview article for a local rag about the current World's Strongest Man, and he hated it so much that he broke his crayon in several smeary spots writing a scathing complaint to my editor. Meh. You win some, you lose some. And then you win some on default, purely for actually knowing how to correctly spell "Dear Edditor."

Random post for a random Thursday.

Cheers,

Brandon

Beer: Colorado Native
Music: The Gaslight Anthem

43 comments:

  1. When you're rich and famous, Brandon, The Onion will kick its ass for not having hired you way back when.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So where is Waldo anyway? I've been looking for that dude since I was a kid and have yet to find him!

    I want that panhandler of the year award! Sounds so exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hahaha. I'd be a terrible panhandler. "OH, you don't have any change? No problem, no problem. Sorry to bother you, sir."

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Mr. Bungole"? Were you, perhaps watching lots of Beavis and Butt-head when you wrote this article, LOL?

    I recently found an old writing project I did back in high school, that was absolutely horrifying. Worst part, I actually won the Creative Writing Award when I graduated!! Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Holy panhandlers, Batman... It's Thursday?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Personally I much preferred the second one. Both sounded like something from the Onion but the second one sounded more genuine, which is one of the funnier parts of the Onion. It's exaggerated, but not too much.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your old stuff isn't too shabby. I like the idea of finding Jesus instead of Waldo. Perhaps we should all look in Waldo books whenever we lose something.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Their loss. The 2nd one looks like it would fit right in.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hell, those submissions beat the shit out of anything I would've written. I actually got a laugh out of the article.

    And "Soupbone" Samson must've been the wily guy that convinced me to give in $20. Who knew donating to the homeless could make you feel so miserable?

    ReplyDelete
  10. hahaha. I prefer to read Soupbone's fake news over the fox news anyway. Come on, have you seen the news lately, "the couple in 22nd street started to fight over pizza order and the SEALS had to be called to subdue the kids from joining the fight for wings and were able to stop another Coloroda fire. UN has been alerted by the travesty sorry tragedy and UN is expected to handle this within next quarter "
    Onion isnt the only one, many people who were rejected by smallbiz later became pinnacle of achievement in the same field. Right from KFC Sander's recipe, Bollywood Big B radio rejection, to recent SNL reject Zach Galifianakis.
    When you make it big dont forget this comment of mine. Add 5 stars to this.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I too would be disappointed if I was looking for Waldo and found Jesus instead. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Personally, I think you are much funnier than The Onion, and I love The Onion!

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Mr. Samson could not be reached at home for comment." That made me laugh so loudly, dude. XD Now I have to wonder if Mr. Samson personally knows Slim Dyson...

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
  14. I definitely prefer Slim over Samson! I can see improvement in your humor too - not sure how long it's been but I think you're funnier now. But, what do I know? I'm a simple minded blogger LOL

    I love seeing a look into your writing past!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I want to find Waldo damn it! Not any impsoters. And you made him break his crayons? You should be ashamed haha

    ReplyDelete
  16. You know, I think y'all should actually see if you can for Cracked. I know they take submissions.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh I love fake news stories. The Onion is the first news I check every morning. These articles are great! Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Imagine if panhandling were an olympic event...

    Great writing. I'm not a huge onion fan myself, but do enjoy linking their articles from time to time on my Facebook, and watch the outrage of my friends when they think this is serious news...

    ReplyDelete
  19. This reminds me of the time I applied for a job at the UN and was turned down for being racist. Really I think they were being harsh. All I said was that those bloody Brits should be sanctioned for subjugating my brothers up North. I may have said something about pipe bombs in Parliament and I may have called the Queen a lesbian, but for fucks sake the rest of my reasoning was sound. Feckin' wankers.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have to admit I enjoyed the second piece more, but I'm whispering my comment because I don't want lightning to strike me!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I giggled. I don't know when you sent these in, but this is even better than the recent Onion News I've been seeing.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I've never understood why people go on and on about finding Jesus. He's not exactly subtle, hanging from that big ass cross in every church you come across.

    ReplyDelete
  23. They should have hired you!! You had me cracking up at "Soupbone." I knew exactly what he looked like in my head, stained scraggly white beard and all.

    I found Waldo in real life, and Jesus on a piece of toast. Ain't no thang.

    ReplyDelete
  24. >>...he will soon be in the running for the Panhandler Nationals competition held annually in New York City.

    Ha!-Ha! I suppose there must be a "Nationals" for everything.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  25. I can't fathom that a creative mind like yours wouldn't be hired by the Onion. I mean you define satirical and inventive.

    Well, plbbbtttt to you dumb Onion! Brandon doesn't need your stinky ol' job...he has all of us to write for, for free!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Nice stories...the Onion's decision lives up there with all the bad decisions made by managers who 'just know better'!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Wow, can't believe it, those stories would fit right into the Onion's feed on facebook...

    ReplyDelete
  28. YES! Waldo irritated me for years! He's finally gone!

    Oh wait, that wasn't real. Shit.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I did get a kick, and I liked your articles too.

    See what I did there? You're welcome.

    ReplyDelete
  30. These are freakin funny! I say they should retake a look at these and hire ya!

    ReplyDelete
  31. LOL Well, I have to admit that the replacement for Waldo with Jesus was very clever and made me giggle :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Poor Waldo. The poor man already wears the unflattering striped shirt and now he's upstaged by Jesus. Can't a guy get a break in this world?

    ReplyDelete
  33. I really hope Soupbone wins that National award Sounds like he deserves it.
    On a side note, I finally read your post on how to drink beer in the shower. Your idea sounds great but I actually built a kegerator into the wall next to the shower, problem solved.

    ReplyDelete
  34. The "shoe-in" line got me to chuckle. Great stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  35. man that sucks that the onion didn't hire you. That'd be quite the place to work for.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Ha! I don't care what they say, that's good shiz!!

    ReplyDelete
  37. i literally just laughed my ass off bro. you are awesome and the onion can lick ur balls later.

    Google+ Cheat Sheet

    ReplyDelete
  38. I don't know, I think the Waldo article could have been a contender if it had just been given the chance!

    I hate the news. I never watch it if I can help it. It never gives a true to life portrait of the world. All they do is focus on the really sensational stories, making the world seem a lot more dangerous and depressing than it really is. I mean, when the weather man is the most trustworthy, impartial member of a news team, you KNOW there's a problem!!!

    ReplyDelete
  39. I literally just laughed my ass off, too. Maybe I should pay a visit to the emergency room. There's a lot of blood, oh my god, so much blood. Is that bone I can feel?

    ReplyDelete
  40. You just inspired me to write something about the time I spied on pan-handlers on the Atlantic City Boardwalk.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Oh, and you are too talented for The Onion.

    ReplyDelete