Monday, July 9, 2012

The Idiot's Guide to Bowling

          Recently we had a good friend of ours over to visit from the sad, destitute country of Latvia. His name is Rikolas, and he sure likes to complain. I guess he "works 12 hours a day just for a few potatoes to feed his family," and his daughter "was raped by soldiers" and his son "was murdered." Needless to say, he can be a pretty depressing guy to hang out with. So to cheer him up, we thought we'd show him the great American past time that is bowling!















Fifteen minutes later...






Eight frames later...








The moral of the story? The person who cares the most about bowling always ends up the loser (in one form or another), and the score doesn't really matter, especially if you've been drinking. Also, Latvia is an awful, miserable place plagued with poverty and death.

Cheers and stay classy, friends
B&B

Music: Elbow
Beer: New Belgium Folly Pack




57 comments:

  1. Rikolas is a lucky guy. At least he had a goat. My family were so poor we used to live in a septic tank.

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  2. Hahahha so true. I was a good bowler! ...in middle school. Now, I usually come in last... *sadface*

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  3. I friggin' suck at bowling. And don't even have a cool Hello Kitty ball to use as an excuse. Maybe I just haven't been drunk enough

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  4. LMAO the whack a mole crack was great. And yeah bowling can be fun, but just like anything with nutballs it can be ruined.

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  5. Hey I dont know what the big problem is, that sounds like an average day at the bowling alley. lol.

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  6. Hey, that is my father-in-law right there. Our culture doesnt have last names if it was, the appropriate lastname my kids would have gone with is "Downer". Even the cheery magical million dollar moments - he could turn it into funeral time within a second. This Latvia guy is my dad-in-law's perfect son, maybe he could adopt him and take over the world.

    And onetime we went with my aunt, she had never bowled in her life and she was hitting top scores, I lost because I was laughing too hard with the way she was doing.

    let me explain - take the bowling ball, keep it in the edge, and roll it with your hands like how you would push someone in swing. And all Xs. Grand right?

    Kitty snowling ball- wow, that's gangsta.

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  7. Hello Kitty?

    Really?

    No wonder you drink.

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  8. I'm mixed when it comes to bowling. If I'm playing a bowling game (with motion controls) then I'm not bad. When I play real bowling though I either fail miserably, or do okay. I do enjoy bowling though. It feels pretty good to get a strike. Especially when they're so bloody rare you take a few games to get one.

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  9. Bowling?

    I thought "The Big Lebowski" just made that up.

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  10. I such at bowling. I kind of love that I suck at bowling though. It's way more fun if you have nothing invested in the outcome. Oddly I've never done drunken bowling before. Hmmmm.

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  11. You're artwork was awesome. Grats on the multi-chinned new wife!

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  12. Speaking of bowling, my friends and I went to go bowling last weekend only to discover it was closed. So what happened next? Well they ditched me and my wife to go to a casino! Hows that for "good" friends!?

    If one of my friends was too broke to go, I wouldn't go and just found something we all could afford to do!

    off topic, I know! Needed to vent!

    The more I drink, the better I bowl! I always found this phenomenon to be fascinating! I wouldn't mind hurling a bowling ball at the heads of some certain people!

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  13. I love bowling with my super competitive "friend." He's a short, doughy kid who thinks he reigns supreme over all God's sports. Yet, when we go to the batting cages, he never hits a ball. When we play basketball, he ends up shedding some tears and running home. When we go bowling, he swears a lot then gets us kicked out of the alley. It's great fun.

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  14. You guys are really off the wall!!

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  15. You know... I've never drank while bowling... I think I've been doing it wrong my whole life. Errr... My whole adult life anyway.

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  16. I rock in the bowling department. With the bumpers up.

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  17. Bowling? Maybe my next blog should be about the 'Polish cousins', one was actually a Pro-bowler. Are you kidding me?

    Hello Kitty? I love it.

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  18. I am slightly ashamed by my friends who have their own bowling balls and their own bowling shoes. I think they don't "get it." Bowling is for beer and french fries. Bowling is the only sport where the "athletes" rather than the spectators drink beer and eat fries. The point of bowling is to be drunk.

    ... sticking your fingers in some sweaty meat-holes where others stuck their grubby fingers and sticking your feet in what HAS to be disease infested shoes... you HAVE to be drunk.

    I love the broken accent. Poor guy. Poor sad funny guy. I want to send him a check for potatoes.

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  19. This is one of my favorites, and scarily accurate.

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  20. Damn that glorious Hello Kitty bowling ball! It was probably all that cute that distracted Brandon.

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  21. ah, man, now I want to go bowling...

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  22. The Prime Minister of Latvia rung me up and said "Anne, you know of these bastards Beer for the Shower" And I said this to Valdis "Uuuuhmmm, who, what, Beer for the Shower, never heard of them." And then he says to me "Anne if you know anything of these bastards you must tell me at once." Of course I was curious, what could he want. So I asked him. "Valdis why do you want to find these guys." And he says "I've heard they have a potato."

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  23. You just reminded me of another reason my Ex and I didn't work out: he was one of those pretentious pricks (but Brandon's totally not) who had his own ball and criticized people's form. Meanwhile I was playing tippy cup by myself downing beers and getting strikes. God created bowling for beer drinking and black lights.

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  24. My first GOL (Guffaw Out Loud) came early - the moment I realized Rikolas was wearing a potato sack.

    My favorite moment? Probably the coining of a new phrase: "Skin-fold Envy".

    I actually like bowling and I'm fairly decent at it, although I haven't done it in ages.

    My most "barely memorable" bowling experience? Oh, circa 1982, I'd been drinking all day (and I do mean "ALL day"), when a couple of my buddies, Pooh and Twinkie, decide we should all go bowling. Easy for THEM to say...they HADN'T been drinking all day.

    So we get to the bowling alley and I'm totally wasted (although that doesn't stop me from ordering more gin & tonics). After ten full frames, I had scored a 32. I would have needed to be passed out to score any less!

    Leaving the bowling alley - me with a glass of gin & tonic in hand - I fall down the steps outside that descend to the parking lot. As I'm going down head-first, just beginning my somersault, I fully extend my arm out to the right, trying to "save my drink". You boys would have been proud of my attempt, even though it was destined to fail.

    Had I been sober, I definitely would have broken my arm, at the very least. (But then again, had I been sober I wouldn't have fallen in the first place.)

    Some stranger who was just coming up the steps, as I was going down them, says to his friend, "Man! That guy's fucked up!"

    Twinkie turns to the stranger and says, "Thinkin' maybe he ain't?" (We always spoke in that weird sorta backwards-negative way.)

    The amazing thing about this whole incident is not that I didn't break anything (I was way too rubbery to get hurt), but that I could actually remember all the details of the night. I should have been operating in a blackout.

    The only detail I don't personally remember is the dialogue between Twinkie and the stranger, because I never heard it. I was too busy crying over spilled gin & tonic.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  25. At my friend's first job out of college, her company had a client named Richard Dickles (pronounced "dickless") and he went by Dick. The first time he called, she thought it was a prank and hung up on him.

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  26. My best bowling scores were when I was in a league where we spent the time in between drinking (beer & tequila shots) and playing cards.

    My gun-ho friend who was the "professional" bowler would get all twisted about our lack of focus, but in the end our scores were pretty good.

    Oh, and I LOVED the Hello Kitty ball. 8-)

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  27. I love going bowling even though I suck at it. My kids always put up the gutter blockers for me and I have to put them back down...freakin' kids.

    You guys have the best imagination, I swear, coming up with "Snakes on a Lane"; I could hear Samuel Jackson saying it as I was reading it. So funny!

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  28. Now I wanna go to Latvia. And bowl. At the same time.

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  29. BAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay, now I NEED to go bowling with you guys! :)

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  30. You guys can even make bowling look fun. I like the Rik-Dik Dude. I wonder if I could get my office co-workers to play by those rules...

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  31. Hahaha! Remind me to tell you about the time my sister and I went bowling with her in-laws. It was strikingly (get it?) similar to this tale.

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  32. LMFAO hahahahaha What just happened?? I near peed once he start sucking on his potato ball... :)

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  33. Did the bowling take his mind off his raped daughter and dead goat?

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  34. Ha! Glad he got his arse out of that terrible country then. Bowling, hadn't done that in a while, my 8 year old always kicks my arse at bowling. Maybe if I had as many beers as Brandon :)

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  35. I've always been terrible at bowling, but, sheesh, if I knew they made Hello Kitty balls, it might have made all the difference!

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  36. I'm the worst bowler after a few games. During game 1 and 2 I can get about 150 but then it dives at a hard level.

    Sorry for being a little absent here by the way. Started a new job recently, and it's hard to keep my head afloat here in blogland ever since.

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  37. Aww, be nice to poor Rikolas! He could end up like my Uncle Nani's brother and die of "pneumonia" when he gets back.

    Here's a hint, he didn't actually die of pneumonia.

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  38. Bowling is so a sport. All that walking one has to do to get from the bar back to the lane. But I am terrible at bowling. This is why I only do it during Cosmic Bowling, when they turn off the lights and play rave music. Then, it becomes easy to hide my shame.

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  39. "I drank the urine of my goat before he died from sadness" would be a good name for an emo band, but the world doesn't need another one of those. Bowling always seems fun in concept, but after the first game, it always ends up getting tedious. Maybe murder would break up the tedium.

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  40. snakes on a lane might be a good movie

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  41. Oh taking digs at amerikana is not going to help those ebook sales boys. This is Merika.

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  42. I got a strike the first time I bowled.. :P
    Its been growin on me ever since..

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  43. Funny how your ears look the same any which way we look at them, Brandon... front or back! When I think of bowling I think of Bill Murray. That's all I like about it hahaha. No skill required.... that's a good one fellas.

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  44. We learned recently that people HATE bowling with me untill they've bowled with me.

    I have a bag I take with me everywhere (you could call it a purse, but don't) and when I go bowling it has alcohol wipes, like 4 pairs of socks and latex gloves.

    Why?

    Ugh, the germs.

    If they made latex gloves for the feet, I'd totally waer them, nut in the meantime, I have to keep AS MANY layers of protection between my feet and and the nasty germ-covered shoes they give.

    I wipe EVERYTHING off with the alcohol (I mean, how many people type goofy name like 'Droopy Balls McGhee' on those keyboards?!) and put on my gloves, since bowling balls are filty, and my fingers sometimes touch thing that I plan on putting in my mouth (like beer glasses).

    But, then I throw balls down the lane over-hand style, and after a few beers forget which hand I should use to throw, and suddenly everyone forgets how weird I look with my gloves, socks, and wipes.

    :)
    Good Times

    :)
    Jen

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  45. My skills seem to be completely random. I've had times in the past where I've beaten everyone by a mile and then we'll play another game and I'll suck ass.

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  46. What did one potato say to the other potato in Latvia?

    Situation impossible, how can there be two potatoes on Latvia?

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  47. I went on a date two weeks ago. We went bowling and I tried to let her win the first game, but I accidentally crushed her. So then I bowled with my left hand on the second game, and she beat me.

    It wasn't worth it, though. I looked like an absolute idiot trying to bowl left-handed, and my feet basically had no idea what to do.

    Great post, as always.

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  48. If I could kill people over bowling supremacy, I'd have done with a HUGE number of people. True story.

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  49. Oh nice touch with the head there. Ha ha.

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  50. I know its just a drawing but the whole time I was worried that the guy in the potato sacks nut sack would flop out! Scariest post yet guys, who knew you were so good with horror!

    Snakes on a Lane! Very funny!

    Tiger Woods with Downs Syndrom and Alztimers!! Funnest insult I've seen in months!

    I must say I think you guys are getting funnier and funnier! More jokes per picture then ever before! Keep up the awesome work!!

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  51. Perhaps the Hello Kitty bowling ball is throwing off your game.... just sayin'.

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  52. "This is cruel battle"-loved it. Especially the potato sack outfit.

    P.S. I really want a pink Hello Kitty bowling ball.

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  53. Yeah, I snorted more than once, and now I have to find a way to NOT let my 12 year old daughter know why. I don't think it's appropriate for her to read of the fine sport of bowling in such a harsh manner.
    Just tell me where I can get a Hello Kitty bowling ball, and we're good.

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  54. I don't care much about bowling, but I kinda want to have a Hello Kitty bowling ball. And I suddenly thought about the blog "Hello Kitty Hell." You find some crazy HK items there...

    -Barb the French Bean

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  55. I just found out about this and regret not knowing sooner! Sounds amazing keep up the good work!

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