Monday, July 2, 2012

The Audacity of Hamster Hitler

        For those of you who regularly follow the blog, you know that I (Bryan) drive an Audi. You also know that I don't mention this as a bragging right or wear this as a badge of honor, but I use it more as a warning.
        Much like a stripper with daddy issues, the Audi is something best enjoyed from afar, and not something you want in your day to day life because it will make it miserable. Truly, I don't know why the Germans made a car this bad. Maybe the Audi is payback for World War 2.
        See, most 4 cylinder cars have this kind of engine.


Annoying, I know. As a gearhead, I'm not a big fan of the hamster, unless he's a bit roided out like this...



He's got power, but he's also a noisy jerk. Now, my 4 cylinder car, turbo'd as it may be, has this kind of engine, which is the worst of them all. It's the destructive German engine.


          Sure, that joke might be a little tasteless, but how can you stay mad at that cute little guy? I sure can't. Such is the relationship with my car.
          Hamster Hitler's latest act of auto-related terrorism was the window regulator, a flimsy little device that lets the window raise and lower. Without it, my window was unable to roll up, leaving my car in a permanent state of "hey, please break into me."
          Being a handy guy, I took apart the door and removed the broken part, something akin to performing open heart surgery except with plastic and metal instead of human tissue. For you see, you have to remove your entire door, piece by piece, just to get to it.

Step #358: Remove the thingamabob from the whatsi-hoosit

          Now I needed a replacement part. First I asked the dealership, to see just how much they wanted to rape me charge me for this particular part.









         My thoughts on the matter: fuck that! So I went to the world wide Interwebz and found a reliable parts dealer that had the same cheap piece of plastic for $60. I bought it, and in 1 week I received a part that... well, wasn't really what I ordered.


          They sent me the completely wrong part. I mean, it was so wrong I don't even know what it was for. So I returned that for a refund, and, figuring that company to be incompetent, I ordered the same part through ANOTHER company. One that has rave reviews online. And 1 week later, the part that I received... was even wronger.


           They sent me something that looked like a bow and arrow, and since I'm not participating in the Hunger Games, it wasn't really going to help me fix my car.
           It had now been 2 and a half weeks of my car being down and I had been sent the completely wrong part 2 times by 2 different companies. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. So I called the second company to bitch them out, and got to listen to the nasally, labored wheezing of a man so fat you could actually HEAR his fatness over the phone. You know what I'm talking about. Well, unless I was somehow talking to Darth Vader instead.


         Regardless, he was really helpful and I was finally sent the right part, and after a month of my car being down, I put in the new regulator and the Audi is back on the road. And I got to celebrate by taking my car for a drive and remembering why I like it so much in the first place.






...Damn you, Hamster Hitler.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: Canon Blue
Beer: Black Tire

60 comments:

  1. Ahh but it is still a sexy European car.

    Just keep the pin code to the radio somewhere you can find it. This is a lesson I have learned the hard way

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  2. I feel your frustration. Especially since you had the gall to want to do the repairs yourself.
    But the entire post, I couldn't get Black Sheep's "The Choice is Yours" out of my head (you can get with this, or you can get with that, I think you'll get with this 'cause this is where it's at). "Hello my name is Type 2 Diabetes" was a touch of hilarious touch.

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  3. hahhaha. What is a AUDI?
    Me - Asian Indian and anything other than Toyota and Honda is just scrap metal, maybe NISSAN, everything else, metal and plastic.
    Did you share this with your father-in-law? The toyota man? Dont do that, complaining about Audi to a Toyota or Honda man - is just suicide.

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  4. Hahhaha oooof. See, sometimes its helpful not knowing anything about cars. You have no choice but to pay someone to do it for you...

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  5. Okay the last Hamster Hitler joke was a bit tasteless, but still hilarious. My dad's passenger door window is broken, but it's permanently closed. We're not likely to be robbed due to it, but feck it gets way too warm in that car. The sunroof can keep it cool when we're on the go, but if it's left in the sun the seat may melt. I'm glad you eventually got that part. Shame about getting screwed over twice. I have also heard someone so unhealthy that you can literally hear the fat. They ended up out of breath and worn out just by talking.

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  6. My husband drove an Audi TT for many years and he loved that piece of shit car more than he loved me. That car was in the shop ALL the time and never cost less than $1,500 to fix. I always said that car was like a "supermodel". It looked gorgeous on the outside, but was seriously flawed on the inside!!!!!!!! He finally sold it after it left him sit at an intersection and he had to push it in 93 degree heat.

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  7. Whatcha Gonna Do? Whatcha Gonna Do? Whatcha Gonna Do? LMAO - sorry, I couldn't help it....you just posted on my blog. I also got a bit mushy in my response over there about the wildfires because my brother is near you and I talked to him last night..rather than repeat all that crap about how I'm glad you're safe here, just go back and take a gander and listen to the song too while you're there - you know you want to!!! LMAO

    Anyway, enough of me....

    It never ceases to amaze me how much parts for a car costs, then add in the fact that it's a foreign car and you're screwed! I had to replace the same part one time and got them to just roll the window back up with the thought of, "how often do I really need to roll down my window?" Turns out - ALOT.

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  8. @Thinking Cap
    Ironically enough, my father-in-law just LOVES my Audi and always raves about it when he's here, but hates my Ford. Just hates it. You know, the one with 200,000 miles that I've replaced maybe 2-3 things on in the last 10 years.

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  9. That was a surprise. Ford, Chrysler, and all those "Made in Detroit" ones, are fisher-price ones for adults.
    Your ford, you might not have driven that car instead pushed 200k miles. I am most definite. Sorry, I just cant let Honda/Toyota loose.

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  10. Your last Hitler Hampster picture had me spitting spicy beef jerky through my nose. That was a first (and not very pleasant, I might add!)

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  11. Ha, ha, ha. Owned a Fahrvernugen once, my dream 'hippie van'. That love affair lasted about twenty minutes, and swiftly turned into a repair 'nightmare'. But 'Godzilla', on the other hand, just kept running and running.

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  12. Damn! I have always thought Audi were good cars too. Don't support hamster Hitler and don't buy Audi's everyone!

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  13. The Audi was a dream car way back in the day when I was too young to even get a license. Hamster hitler is kinda cute.

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  14. Only you can make such a terrible story so entertaining.

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  15. Oh God. German's must put Hamster Hitler in their VW Bugs too. As much as I loved that car, as much fun as it was to zip around in (when it would zip) when it decides to have a part that breaks it costs an arm, leg, virginity of your first born, and chest hair from a gay unicorn to repair it. I breathed a sigh of relief when I traded it in for my nice reliable new Toyota.

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  16. That's the sexiest I've ever seen diabetes look. But I have this weird thing for Darth Vader.

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  17. Makes me glad I'm not a gear head! I can't stand incompetence and wouldn't have the patience for tracking down the right parts!

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  18. Poor Adolf has been dead for what? Almost 70 years? Yet we're still using him to explain away all of our own problems.

    They have paid us back by essentially adopting David Hasselhoff as their own.

    How would you like it if every time Germans had a problem with an American product, they acted like it was American actor David Hasselhoff's fault.

    "Oh, we're Germany and our economy is sort of having trouble. let's look under capitalism's hood and see what the problem is. Aha! Hamster Hasselhoff!"

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  19. There are strippers with daddy issues? I had no idea.

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  20. Sweet Jesus. Those Hitler Hamster images are the highlight of my day. Seriously. Beyond funny. Adui's a real pain in the ass. A friend had a well known S4 and it was headache after headache because of all the mods to it. Btw.. I tweeted a grievance. I'm sorry. I just couldn't get past it. Don't hate me.

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  21. Well, it's better than the garbage that us Americans make. My Ford Exploder, I mean Explorer, was the worst car I've ever driven. The transmission went on it months after I bought it and it wouldn't drive above 40mph.

    But my Nissan Versa hatchback, phew, now that's a car fit for a man.

    Also, I'm having some issues with my windows. Perhaps I'll come back to this post once the completely shit the bed.

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  22. LMAO I couldn't deal with that, my Ford broke down 3 or 4 times after ten years and I got rid of the piece of junk. So I will just look and not deal with any hamsters, besides the cat would eat it haha. Is wronger even a word? hahaha

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  23. Wouldn't a bicycle be better? Then you could be your own hamster!

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  24. Suddenly, I'm liking renting cars more and more...

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  25. I don't think there is anyone here who doesn't feel your pain. We have all been there when it comes to car repairs. BTW, are the VW Beetles a good car? I want one.

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  26. Glad you are back up and running in the Audi.
    And Hitler Hamster is all kinds of wrong, but as usual, very funny.

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  27. Rocking to toyota's in me casa, one's a 94 pickup (87kmiles still on the original engine) I never drive the damn thing. and a 2005 matrix with 97k.

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  28. I had a similar experience with my Honda Civic. It started leaking oil like a sieve out of this part that turned out to be a VTEC controller something something. Opening that part up, we found a crazy o-ring that was broken. Should be a cheap fix... it's a fricken o-ring, right? Wrong. They don't sell just the o-rings and Honda wanted $500 for the entire assembly. FML.

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  29. It's worth buying a car like that just for the talking hamster!

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  30. Those silly Germans. First they try to take over the world by invasion, then they try to do it by selling shit cars and now they own all of Europe because they run the EU and we all owe them millions of Euro's that we can't feckin' pay back. You should take your car outside and shoot it.

    On another note: I hope you and yours are all okay up there. Another blogger buddy who lives in your vicinity sent me some photos. Be safe boys.

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  31. "Someone took a huge 'Audi' in the ladies' restroom and the toilet is clogged."

    Ha! You've just coined a new euphemism.

    Oh, bullaudi!

    That's a load of audi!

    C'mon, let's smoke this audi, man!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  32. You mean you don't have a banana stand hanging from your rear-view mirror? Maybe that's a southern thing...

    I'm also pretty sure that second company is run by my fat Uncle Jim Bob.

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  33. LOL
    That's awesome!
    Please, don't come fix my toilet.

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  34. Exterminate the screws!

    Wow, and I thought that Audi sold good cars at a cheap price.

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  35. Maybe you should have just offered yourself up for sex ;)

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  36. Just seeing all those parts on the ground gives me hives...I would never, not ever, be able to get all those pieces back together...at least not in the shape of a functioning door. I can't even remember which side my gas tank is on half the time, so forget recalling which hoosit connects to whatever whatsis.

    So good job!

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  37. Ohh, how annoying!! Dealerships are such rip offs that it's ridiculous!!!!!

    I recently got into a car accident and they put the car back together wrong. The headlight wouldn't turn on because it wasn't connected to the plug properly. Pepboys wanted to charge me $130 to push the head light in. My uncle did it for free...lol

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  38. My dealer has a nice waiting place

    they do not have nice prices

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  39. I laughed a couple of times here. How can these tiny pieces of metal with a dab of plastic be worth so much sometimes? And why do people online send the wrong stuff so often?

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  40. You were probably installing that toaster the wrong way. It is suppose to go upside down. I think that was your fist problem.

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  41. I'm way impressed that you would tackle the car repair job yourself!

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  42. You started out needing a window regulator and now you need an EVERYTHING that's why I saved up for a little longer to get a more expesive car. Less Hampster Hitlers in the bonnet.

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  43. Do I smell a Hampster Hitler Saturday morning cartoon show?

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  44. That is a terribly awesome pun at the end.

    Your Mel Gibson impersonation is getting better.

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  45. Based on the noise it made towards the end I became convinced that my engine was less internal combustion and more rat powered.

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  46. You actually disassembled your car door? Brave man! I'd be terrified of doing it wrong. Knowing my luck, I'd somehow put it back together in a way that made the whole car explode.

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  47. You have no idea how much I enjoyed this post. Everywhere I go, I hear men talk about their Audis. I drive a German car, although not an Audi, and its given me a lot of trouble. At some point, there was something terrible wrong with my vehicle, so I took it to the dealership. When they told me how much it would cost to fix the issue, I knew I made a huge mistake ever purchasing it.
    Between you and me, I still want an Audi.

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  48. Lucky that you know how to repair your own car. Getting a car repaired is such a pain. And so expensive that I end up selling all my limbs just to get a small bit of paint done.

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  49. I'm sorry to have to tell you, but you've been given an award at my blog...

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  50. No Audi for me after this post. Well... and that whole no money thing.

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  51. Thanks for the heads up.

    "And 1 week later, the part that I received... was even wronger." So cute.

    I'm impressed that you know how to take apart a car like that.

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  52. Awesome. I just paid someone $90 an hour to fix my A/C...which then blew warm air. $2000 later I can finally show up to my destinations sans pit stains and boob sweat.

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  53. When you got the toaster in the mail, I had a real good laugh! Fantastic story as usual!

    Hitler Hampsters lines are pretty funny/offensive, so of course I had a good laugh about them too!

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  54. I love German cars and drive one, but don't know what turbos and such are. I have "twin" turbos so I guess that means I have two of something.

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  55. Haha so fat that you can HEAR his fatness over the phone.

    Well, played sir.

    I'm glad you are back on the road. Be careful out there.

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  56. This is when you need to consider pimping yourself out and search for a mechanic friend (or someone at the Audi dealer). Not so much for their skills, but their knowledge and discounts!

    I am not ashamed to say that I go crawling in search of my mom's ex-husband who works at a dealership every time I've needed a replacement part. With my excuse that you divorce the spouse and not the "children" I can always take advantage of his discounts or his mechanic buddies!

    I have gotten the exact part I've need, got it fast and every so often at cost! Which now that I am thinking of it; I need my car's head lights replaced. Got to go kiss up now!

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  57. PFFFFFFFT HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!

    Herr Hamtaro! #GeekOutWithMyCocksOut

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  58. I am pretty sure your AUDI should be going at LEAST 44MPH when you hit 7K RPM... just sayin'.

    So, I have this car, too except it's a '99 and has 150,000 miles on it. So far, it hasn't exploded much, and when it does, it does it stylishly.

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