Monday, June 25, 2012

Jack and Jill (and Zombies)

Today we've got a special treat for you. It's the A Beer for the Shower take on one of our favorite old nursery rhymes. We call it Jack and Jill (and Zombies). Enjoy.



Jack and Jill went to the still,
To fetch a pail of liquor.
Jack got drunk and suddenly thunk
How much he’d like to stick ‘er.




Jack grabbed his sister and tried to kiss her
But fell in a vat of whiskey
Poor Jack drowned in an ocean of Crown
Proving incest is always quite risky




Jill staggered home feeling very alone
But the man in the vat wasn’t gone
Dead Jack climbed out and staggered about
Feeling hungry for brains to om nom nom




Jack did search, and home he did lurch,
Seeking out Jill’s sweet noggin;
She was in bed, with her big tasty head,
Snoring like lumberjacks loggin'.



 When Jack came in how he did grin
For a brain parfait from his mademoiselle,
But Jill’s shotgun blast to his undead ass
Blew zombie Jack straight to hell.


THE END

There you have it. An instant classic with which to put the kids to bed. Remember children, no matter how drunk you may be, it's always handy to keep a twelve gauge Remington under your pillow in case of the zombie apocalypse. Oh, and don't feel up your siblings.

In other non-incest related news, we'll soon be launching a Kickstarter campaign to help fund production of A Beer for the Shower: The Animated Series, because apparently a high quality animated series takes more than $18.32 (our bank accounts. Combined) to make happen. We're really looking forward to it, and will keep you posted when the campaign goes live. Lots of fun prizes up for grabs. "Slave-labor Brandon" may or may not be one of them.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

B&B

Beer: Breckenridge Vanilla Porter
Music: Tedeschi Trucks Band

61 comments:

  1. Ha! I think my favorite part, aside from advocating drunk people to have firearms nearby at all times, is that you rhymed "gone" with "om nom nom."

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  2. Lol, wonderful rendition of Jack and Jill! I particularly liked the drooling image with the hand gesture in his thoughts!

    I'm looking forward to the upcoming campaign :)

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  3. This poem has it all, I would like this to be made the "national anthem".
    Poem for all ages. This is perfect bedtime story and has all.
    rhymes - whiskey risky forget that gone/nom nom
    moral - get high away from sister, else you will end up as uncle to your son/daughter
    love - incest, insists importance of family
    greek practice - rape sister
    current affairs - zombie
    STY(Sleep/Stand your ground) law - it is ok to sleep with gun, because you may never know when to shoot drunken mug rapist brothers.
    life lessson - women no matter how drunk they are, always hate spiders and cyclop kids :)

    Cant wait for your fundraiser campaign.

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  4. Nothing makes a reimagined version of an old story/rhyme better than zombies.

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  5. Ah this is genius. Love it.

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  6. Hahhaha better than the original, I say! I'm partial to ass-kicking women...go Jill!

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  7. haha and with such a rhyme the cat will take a shotgun and shoot a mime, just in your honor, but if I go to jail I will recite this tale.

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  8. Jack and Jill are kinda ill after turning into a zombie!Jack got mad cause he's now a dad and his sister is the baby's mommy!

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  9. So crown Royal turns you into an flesh hungry zombie? Seems legit. lol.

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  10. Everything is better with zombies!

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  11. this is one of the coolest stories on your blog!

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  12. I ALWAYS sleep with a Remington under my pillow for just such an occasion!

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  13. Crown has been known to make zombies of even the clinically undead so this isn't surprising.

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  14. I always suspected there was something off with Jack and Jill. Now I know the "back" woods story of it all.

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  15. So wait, can drowning in beer turn you into a zombie? Well that's the item on my bucket list then.

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  16. I bet Seth Grahame-Smith is slapping himself silly for not thinking of this idea first.

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  17. I really love how you've rhymed "gone" with "om nom nom". Plus you didn't shy away from the incest that would be involved. A rather funny story that if you ask me highlights the dangers of Crown Royal more than anything.

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  18. Quite possibly the greatest nursery rhyme ever! Another reason to steer clear of Crown Royal!

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  19. I feel like I need to send you guys a dollar or something 'cause I'm totally going to start reading that to my daughter. Even now, while she's still baking. It's never too soon to learn the evils of incest and how important shotguns are.

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  20. Okay. This is genius! It's entertaining, AND educational!

    Lessons learned:

    Sleep with a shotgun under your pillow

    Zombies say "Om nom nom" while eating brains

    Attempts at incest can turn you into a zombie

    The End.

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  21. Love the way you've been able to incorporate so much into the traditional Jack and Jill--incest, zombies, murder.... very creative!

    Are you off your meds, by chance?

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  22. That is freakin' awesome!!!!! Of course now I know why I prefer Jack Daniels.

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  23. slave labor, I like the ring of that one.

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  24. I always thought the original tale was a bit too mild.

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  25. Hokey-Smoke! That was great, THREE B's (BAD BEER BOYS). I give it 3 A's: an A for Jack, an A for Jill, and an A for the line "Snoring like lumberjacks loggin'."

    I always know when I've just read a great line because I'm kicking me ass for not having thunk it up muhself.

    I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
    I sleep all night and I work all day
    I'm a lumberjack, I shoot to kill
    Got me a shotgun, my name is Jill


    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  26. Incest, whiskey, zombies, shotguns=all the makings of a classic children story. Looove it! And thanks for killing Jack. That guy's a tool. And not the helpful, "let's fix that bench" kind.

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  27. Hell yeah, this is how you tell a story the right way!

    I should probably put money in my bank account to help with the kickstarter..

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  28. Random.


    Awesomeness.

    That is how I'd have to categorize this post. No idea where it came from or why but it works.

    On a side note, looking forward to the kickstarter campaign. Don't have much but figure its about time I put my money where my mouth is. Always enjoy your posts!

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  29. Do you have no limits, sirs? Apparently not...and so glad you don't, this was awesome! Nothing I'd ever be able to think up, that is for darn sure.
    And I have no idea why, but that image of the finger poking through the hand just cracked me up.

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  30. After a night on Crown Royal I felt like a zombie as well

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  31. LOL. Awesome! Made me chuckle! :D

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  32. Take that Mah-Fuckah!! Serves his zombie ass right!

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  33. Zombie incest... why didn't I think of that?

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  34. This is going to be a popular children's classic in 20 years, I just know it. Can I buy the movie rights?

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  35. A moving tale, one that all children should hear

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  36. LMAO What an interesting twist on a children's classic!! Since my nephew is an only child, he's safe from the horrors of this rhyme..for now!! lol

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  37. This is fantastic! I'd love to see you do some other nursery rhymes. Or are you already hatching that idea?

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  38. Incest, Zombies and close shaves (Remington – although I may have lost the plot on that point, living as I do in a none gun related society – perhaps that’s why us Brits are so mouthy, having to shoot from the lip rather than the hip.....) although it might be that you guys have lost the plot – rather like an England striker – Goal wide open and you miss..... All the ingredients of a long running serial and you kill off half of the cast....Unless for the second book “Jill on the pill” she becomes a tramp who sleeps with anything with a pulse in a desperate bid to get over her lost brother and his gigantic bean pole....

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  39. Incest, Zombies and close shaves (Remington – although I may have lost the plot on that point, living as I do in a none gun related society – perhaps that’s why us Brits are so mouthy, having to shoot from the lip rather than the hip.....) although it might be that you guys have lost the plot – rather like an England striker – Goal wide open and you miss..... All the ingredients of a long running serial and you kill off half of the cast....Unless for the second book “Jill on the pill” she becomes a tramp who sleeps with anything with a pulse in a desperate bid to get over her lost brother and his gigantic bean pole....

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  40. LOL I won't make my brother sleep to that. He'll be scared.
    Best of luck for the animation, guys. what I did was draw the frames on paper, but I'd strongly advise against that for you, as you use computers, and you would need lots and lots of paper.

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  41. Childhood not ruined. I had no idea Jack and Jill are supposed to be related. As a child, my parents read me books in Spanish. I don't remember a Jack or a Jill, but I do remember Manolo. He was Mexican and he loved his piñatas. His uncle was really fond of him. Oh shit. Incest IS everywhere.

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  42. This was brilliant! Do humpty dumpty next!!! Its got "hump" already in the title!!! Thats like shooting fish in a barrel of whiskey for you guys!!

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  43. You guys are the next Brothers Grimm. Have you checked to see what it costs to get into the children's fairy tale business? I can't imagine more than $18.32. Love it.

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  44. That was a great kids story! And it teaches valuble life lessons!

    Good luck with the kickstarter campain!

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  45. I'm printing that out to read to my 4yr old tonight.

    Awesome.

    And I will definitely contribute to the Cause. Cause I like you...and cause you're poor.ha

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  46. Hell yes to Jack, Jill, and Zombies.

    Keep us updated on kickstarter!

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  47. I have a friend who bought a huge shotgun (it was big that's all I know) for protection. She slept with it.

    I'm feelin' sorry for Jill having to shoot her dead brother in the head after he wanted to molest her.

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  48. You had me at "Feeling hungry for brains to om nom nom"

    Post a link and lets kickstart this bitch!

    I was only going to spend my money on charities anyway

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  49. Another full of laughter post. you prove that the post is not all in serious mode of article. i have a great laugh this morning...keep it up

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  50. Shotguns. The cure for what ails ya during a zombie apocalypse.

    Truth.

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  52. That is the best variation on Jack and Jill I've ever read. I thank you much for sharing it with me.

    You know how excited I am about the cartoon! I am not worried about it at all because I am certain it will be a hit. Your writing is obscenely good and the animation is fantastic! Congratulations, boys!

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  53. there's a moral lesson in all your posts.
    Really looking forward to your animated series and seeing how you tackle it all.

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  54. Still less morbid than "ring around the rosy."

    And where is this KickStarter page, pray tell? I will gladly contribute to your campaign, guys!

    -Barb the French Bean

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  55. It feels really wrong that I enjoyed this so much.

    And yet...so very right.

    No. I mean wrong!

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  56. One of the attention-grabbing poem i've ever read. I guess you should put some restriction in your blog. Just like other bloggers had did.

    wealth management

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  57. I read it in a sing-along voice. Which made it extra creepy.

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