Thursday, June 28, 2012

In Lieu of Flaming Dogshit


I know what you're thinking: Yes, that post title could inspire an excellent motion picture. Probably a French film. But today, it describes something equally classy that's been on mind mind lately. You see, I've been spending some time over at Bryan and his wife's place lately while we work on the cartoon, and I've gotten to know some of his neighbors a little better. And they suck. Hard. So hard, in fact, that a flaming bag of dogshit on their porch just wouldn't be bad enough. So, I've been brainstorming better, more fitting gifts I'd rather leave them...or any shitty neighbor. Here are some things you might want to try for yourself...

The Wheel of Many Explosive Deaths
This option was the first one that came to mind. All you'd need is a scrumptious looking pizza, some warmed up Milk of Magnesia, and a delivery guy willing to take a cash bribe. Total cost: about twenty bucks, plus tip. Order a pizza, pay for it, and then tell the delivery guy to haul it next door after you spritz it with the super-laxative. "What's that you say, guy?" says the pizza man. "You didn't order this pie? Well, sir, my mistake. It's on the house." And just like that, your vengeance will be visited upon his rectum for many countless hours.



Poxy Blanket
In the tradition of our forefathers and their generosity to those pesky land-squatters the Native Americans, you could always take the underhanded "Welcome to the neighborhood" approach. All you'll need here is a nice, comfy looking blanket and access to a vial of communicable germs. Our forefathers preferred Smallpox, but I hear that stuff's hard to come by these days, so you get extra points for creativity.



Mormon on a Mission
Just in case poisoning is a little too "illegal" of an option for you to consider*, there's always the more subtle, but equally torturous, option of doorstep nuisance: the door-to-door Mormon salesmen.


Let's face it, after spending fifteen minutes trying to get these grinning, short-sleeved fashion misfits off his front porch, your neighbor will probably wish you'd sent him the Smallpox. All you've got to do is go to the website of every Mormon church in the state, post about fifty inquiries for further information using your neighbor's name and address, and then sit back and watch as the white-shirt-and-backpack barrage rolls in.

*Not that we promote or condone attempting any of this nonsense. We don't. So don't do it, dipshit.

Serial Pete
If all else fails, you could always just start an amorous penpal correspondence with an enormous, homicidally deranged prison inmate named Squeaky Pete, using your neighbor's name of course. And then, a week before his release date, break up with him. When he arrives at the neighbor's place, and god knows his Jerry Springer ass will, Petey will bring a little life into the neighborhood. Throw some popcorn in the microwave, because even if your neighbor doesn't wind up in Intensive Care, this will be a show you won't want to miss.




So, what do you think? Any gold star ideas here? Do you have any suggestions of your own?

Cheers!

-Brandon

Beer: Left Hand Sawtooth
Music: May Erlewine

57 comments:

  1. Hahahah resulting to biological warfare in the first two! I like the mormon approach. Except they may start knocking on everyone's door in the neighborhood...

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  2. I think I am married to the dude with the beard

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  3. Lovely ideas. What about old fashioned "send handwritten snail mail to1000 people for jackpot from Nigerian prince else all mosquitoes from all the third world countries would attack in next 2 days if you fail to do"?
    And use little plumber work to connect drainge pipe and drinking water pipe.

    btBt, how are you guys in colorado fire, are you doing ok? Our friend had to evacuate and he moved his friend and their house was also asked to evacuate, hope you are doing ok.

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  4. I'd go for the BMG/Columbia House subscription for them.

    The Mormon missionary idea might backfire. If they converted you'd be forced to live next to super perky people for the rest of your time at that abode.

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  5. Brilliant! Just like your book, The Missing Link. I haven't had a lot of time to read lately, but I'm so enjoying it when I do!

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  6. Not as great as your suggestions, but I would go for creepy and surreal.

    Firstly, I'd collect all the crap that I don't want any more in my house. Then, at 5:30 AM every morning I'd sneak out and leave these random objects on his doorstep. Day 1 would be a small box of dinosaur pencil toppers from cereal packets. Day 2 would be a USB cable inserted in the rectum of a cabbage patch kid. Day 3 would be some fluffy handcuffs and a dog's hamburger chew toy.

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  7. First loving the book. Its a great tool to pass the time at work. I would love to see wingnut Sally make a appearance in one of Slim's adventures.

    If you don't mind breaking and entering wait till the neighbors have gone out. Steal all there clothes, shrink them in the wash. Keep repeating this technique and soon excessive dieting will get to them.

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  8. We don't have any mormons knocking on doors around here. Instead we have Jehova's witnesses. I had one say "don't you realize that the end times are coming with all the bad things happening?" I responded (with a suave door shut) well when the bubonic plague breaks out again, give me a call.

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  9. LOL not sure I'd go with the poisoning as that could end you in the slammer with a guy named Tiny for a roommate.

    The mormon would be quite the pain indeed though. What you do is go round up some horse manure. Then get a nice thick blanket and put some holes in the sides of it. Then get some ropes and stick it through and place all the manure in the center of the blanket, wrap it up and loop it above their door and to their doorknob, when they open the door and walk out, manure shower.

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  10. Bwah haha! What evil lurks in the minds of writers.

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  11. Jeez, what the hell did that neighbour do to you guys? Tell you to keep the loud music and partying down?

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  12. It does sound like a freakin french film. lol.

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  13. You could give an anonymous tip that they are slinging crack to kids and watch the police kick in their door.

    Or vandalism is always fun. Throw a rock through the window. When the window gets replaced, do it again...the very next day! Repeat this as many times as necessary until you are fulfilled.

    Or you could just go with the boring flaming bag of dog shit!

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  14. Love it. I've got a few obnoxious neighbors who think it's cute to scream and throw shit at around 3 am. Have a Gonorrhea Gift Bag Grenade. God knows I'm not personally handing it to you, so I think I'll just chuck it at you.

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  15. Fantabulous ideas!!! Potato guns work really well too 'cause you can shoot all kinds of stuff over in their yard, even turds. Plus, it's loads of fun!!!!

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  16. I'm all about the pizza. That's my favorite anti-neighbor assault.

    BTW, the girls got a hold of my Kindle. They read the first page or so of The Missing Link, before I could stop them. They keep running around the house, laughing, calling our cat "Mr. Meebles". LOL

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  17. Well, they live here in Colorado...give them a camp stove & see if that takes care of them. You could roast some marshmallows in celebration...

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  18. I think the 50 Mormon Salesmen is the most awesome idea ever... and so very realistically doable! Who's going to try it first? ;-)

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  19. Start shitting on their lawn in the wee hours of the night. When they ask you to stop letting your dog in their yard, say "Dog? I don't have a dog"

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  20. You could always do the thing my husband has always wanted to do to get rid of our neighbor's cat. Set up a pellet gun that's attached to a motion sensor, so every time anyone walks by, they get pelted.

    Your ideas are pretty good, though. I won't lie about that. :)

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  21. All great ideas. If you can't find a Mormon for hire, just put the neighbors on a Jehovah's Witness mailing list. It's free and all the work is on them (and they're happy to do it).

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  22. My stance on lube is grumpy.

    http://chooplah.blogspot.com

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  23. Oh, I have a neighbor that I would love to practice everyone of these techniques on.

    And, I was thinking what L-Kat said. There are a bunch of Jehovah's Witnesses that visit my neighborhood. Just imagining how many would flock to his house after signing him up for the lists excites my grundle area to the Nth degree.

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  24. I really like the prison pen pal idea. And the Mormons. Lately, I've been giving the eye to a couple of young, impressionable, and pure Mormon guys that frequent my pool. (How pure? One of the guys said "shoot" his partner said "I HEARD THAT!" And the first guys goes "I said shoot! S-H-O-O-T!" Ohh yeahhh. My plan is to corrupt them before the end of summer. What? Just because I'm married and pregnant doesn't mean I can't still practice my favorite hobby of destroying the pure.

    **For the record, I'm glad you guys aren't burning with the rest of your state.

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  25. My hubby and I usually let the dogs bark and snarl at the Mormans or whoever comes to the door we don't want to talk to. The furry ones usually scare them away.

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  26. Maybe you should drag a broken down truck or couch onto the front lawn haha. I love the Mormon idea though =D

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  27. I'm a bit biased, but I vote mormons. Maybe ANGRY mormons?? Find a bouncer at a local club they all call 'tiny' and see if he'll be the angry mormon for ya.

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  28. "*Not that we promote or condone attempting any of this nonsense. We don't. So don't do it, dipshit."

    But the pizza idea could come in handy guys. It'd probably well over those initial $20, but it could be so worth it!

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  29. I must be your most sadistic reader because I thought your Squeaky Pete idea was sheer genius!

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  30. Why stop with just one? Do ALL of them!

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  31. I like the idea of sending an ex-convict. Let's just hope that the system failed and he isn't totally reformed and no longer angry at the world at large. Sending them Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses is always a good backup if you want something legal. That and setting them up for every single mail order catalog and if you're feeling like spending some money, porn magazine, you can find.

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  32. Send extremely aggressive, hard core pore through the mail and say it's from the Neighborhood Watcher.

    Get cats. Lots of outdoor cats. Put their food on the neighbors porch.

    Install obnoxious outdoor lighting that shines directly into their bedroom window.

    Find out their greatest phobia and decorate your lawn with it.

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  33. Actually, I like that "Mormon On A Mission" idea! One question though - and I hate to appear to be nitpicking but... - shouldn't that clean-cut looking nice young man be offering to share with us "the wondrous teachings of Utah"?

    Or were you just trying to avoid a lawsuit?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  34. In times of intense dislike, I have 1) peed on someone's car door handle, 2) sent goggles with a note that said "Give these to your next lay so she can find it," 3) signed someone up for BDSM magazines and e-mails to be delivered to their work.

    Does that help? Those were the three I thought of right off the bat.

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  35. Great ideas!

    Bring a friend with you next time, have them use their washroom and stretch saran wrap on the toilet. Make sure it's completely tight around the toilet and then put the lid down.

    Or you can fill a bunch of condoms with watered down mayonnaise and hang them from a tree in their yard.

    Or you can just sit in their backyard and keep lighting matches.

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  36. I like putting a live raccoon in their car. First you have to kidnap the baby raccoons and then shake the mother and throw it in the neighbors car.

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  37. Howard Zinn convinced me to never take a blanket from a white man.

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  38. I dated my neighbor for two years. A few months after we broke up, he started dating someone new, and her jealousy and insecurities led her to ask my ex if she could move in with him, you know, so she could keep a close eye on the two of us. She made my life a living hell. I tried everything to get rid of her. Finally, I found something that I knew would work. I found naked pictures of her on the internet, and I gave them to my ex. Oh, the fight was epic. They didn't break up, which wasn't what I was looking to do anyway, but they did move away.

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  39. The Mormon one is my favorite because given the chance I would do it in a heartbeat.

    Yeah, I can be a little dipshit at times but I regret nothing.

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  40. Okay, that last one?

    Pure fuckin' gold, brocephalus. Serious. :D

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  41. I am always open to pranks, but I don't like exploiting people. Taking advantage of the innocents.

    I'd go the pizza, because at least the delivery guy is getting paid.

    I am also a fan of hiding something dead inside the detailing of a car. You have to make it hard to find otherwise its no fun :p

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  42. luls... yea so if I ever get a neighbor that pisses me off I might totally try all of these. I'm tempted to try it on a few of the neighbors in our apartment building. Awesome!

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  43. I think the last idea is the best, its at least the funniest!!

    My idea, bake them a cake, use exlax. Or break into their car and either poop on the drivers seat or leave a poop under their seat! they'll either have a poopy bum or drive to work with cent a la poop!

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  44. Hrm. I'm...honestly at a loss for what you could do to torture the crappy neighbors. I unfortunately have a positive outlook on life, the one that comes from someone who has never been punched in the face.

    Ooh. You could punch him in the face! :D

    -Barb the French Bean

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  45. I want to be your friend. Mostly because I sure as hell don't want to be your enemy.

    Kudos on the FANTASTIC ideas!

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  46. I still like the ol' ring and run but then again, that requires effort and well, I'm lazy. I'd probably go with the pizza idea, myself.

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  47. Neighbors - Personally I like a buffer of a few hundred acres between me and them, but even here on a small island I manage to live in the middle of 6 acres - not an easy feat.

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  48. All totally awesome ideas. I vote a rotating combination because I have a feeling that just one on it's own wont work

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  49. You can use a spray bottle of weed killer, under the cloak of darkness, to live "interesting" designs in their lawn.

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  50. I hear that everybody has a disgusting and awful neighbor.

    I don't.

    This can only mean that I am the disgusting and awful neighbor that my neighbors are talking about.

    It's like not being able to identify the sucker at the poker table...

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  51. I thnk the pizza idea is awesome, but my neighbour might decide to feed it to their pet instead, then I'd feel bad.

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  52. As a former Mormon missionary myself, I'm voting for that option as well. That would have spiced up our day quite a bit from the regular monotony of vanilla rejection.

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  53. A line of graphite from a #2 pencil, drawn from the top of a spark plug to the threads of the plug will short the spark to the engine block...no vroom-vroom and virtually undetectable!

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  54. True story:
    Someone made for a friend of mine "special" chocolate chip cookies once. You'll have to email me for specifics.
    heh heh

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  55. This would actually make an excellent French film...

    I would go for a creepy approach. Like staring at them without blinking whenever they pass by. Posting voodoo dolls in their mail, etc.

    But I like your approach too ;D

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  56. The pizza terrorism is my favorite, although I do love the subtle shout-out to LostinIdaho.

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