Monday, June 11, 2012

The Idiot's Guide to Marketing

               We write this blog/webcomic because we love what we do, but honestly, it'd be nice to get paid to do it. And yet, even though a few sites estimate that we've made about $10,000 to date, we haven't made a single dime. Which isn't to say we haven't tried. On the contrary, we've tried endlessly. But between finding the right service and not selling your soul, it's hard finding legitimate advertising.
                I mean, how many times have you gone to a site and it's just covered in ads? No longer are you at a website, you're at one big spamtastic posterboard, which is so infested that you can't even read the actual content.




           Want to read the joke? Just click the 8 red Xs and watch a 30 second video ad that won't go away until it's over! Easy as pie, right?
           Or product placement. How awkward and out of place is junk like this?












          Anyone hungry for Pringles and Alka Seltzer? I know I am!
          Perhaps even harder is just finding a good advertising service to begin with. Namely, one that won't fuck you over.


Blogger Ads

           For those of you who have been around the blog for awhile, you know we’ve already mentioned it before, but we got royally burned by our very first advertiser, who hosted ads on our page and ended up keeping all the money for himself. His name rhymes with Froogle MadSense, but we called him “Daddy G.”





           Basically, what happened was that Pimp$en$e promised us free money for advertising on our blog. Except that they cancelled our account for "suspicious activity" (that they refuse to explain) one day before our first scheduled payout, and kept all of the money that we earned. We were also banned for life, so we can never sign up again. Meaning that they got a whole lot of free advertising out of us, and tons of others who use the service. Look it up. It's extremely common.

Affiliate Marketing

          After Daddy-G threw us out on our asses, we tried to make money in other, equally whorish ways. We scoured the bowels of the Internets high and low, but not a single other e-pimp would touch us. At first we thought that maybe our Daddy-G raping had passed along some form of electronic super-gonorrhea, but alas it was worse than that. The bad news we heard time and again from at least a dozen other Affiliate Marketing partners…



          According to every single affiliate marketing network we talked to, despite our excellent site traffic, our blog was deemed an unfit parent for placement of what would have been guaranteed money-making foster children. Which is hilarious, because we don’t post porn, we don’t curse all that often, and the majority of our posts are cartoons. Hell, we don’t even promote casual bestiality anymore. Who has the time? And yet we have a longtime reader whose every post is just pictures of actual naked women and incoherent ramblings, and HE has ads from the company that flat-out refused us. Explain that.


Getting Straight Down to Business


           We even tried going straight to businesses and asking if they wanted to buy some advertising on our site. Unfortunately, our only bite was from a moronic drink company that refused to listen to Bryan's guidelines, and so an ad about the party ninja enjoying an ice cold drink...




          ...was sent to us as a banner so freaking big it would have taken up our whole damn page. So by the time it was shrunken down to the actual size (as specified in our guidelines multiple times), it looked like a duck with a ski mask speaking in Arabic.




             Yeah, that's gonna sell some party cups! The best part? After almost two months, they had ZERO sales, and were mad at US because clearly this was OUR fault. I mean, who wouldn't want to buy a terrorist ski duck speaking gibberish?

The Zuck – Is down to fuck. You.

          Since we couldn’t get paid to be whores we figured, hey, why not pay someone else to do the whoring for us? If we can’t make money, maybe we can at least boost our traffic. So naturally we turned to the advertising grandmaster of the Internet for help: Facebook. Because, really, who better is there to help launch an advertising campaign than the man who spies on your every online move?



Twenty seconds later…



          As it turns out, Facebook marketing really does allow you to reach an ungodly number of people. However, it's SO many people that you have to be a fucking millionaire to be able to run an ad campaign with any sort of regularity. We kid you not, we fed it $20 and it was used up in less than 2 minutes.


           Ultimately, nothing will make us stop doing what we do, but we have to wonder, how the hell do people actually make any money doing this? Any suggestions that don't involve being someone's bitch or posting up so many ads your site looks like a digital herpes outbreak?


Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan


Beer: Sam Adams Belgian Session
Music: Spector

60 comments:

  1. If you find a way, let me know. I'm not desperate or anything (I am), but I'd really like to know why people aren't throwing money at me for being funny on the Internet.

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  2. Sadly, I have tried each and every thing you guys have and probably more, the only way to make money is to sell your soul and sell something that, guess what? Tells people how to make money. That is the ONLY way you are ever going to make a killing online, is to either scam people or tell them how to make money for the billionith time with some lame 10 page document. Then there is always whoring with ads a plenty, but that won't last long as people avoid you like the plague. So the main way people make money, SCAM! Not so much a ohhh make a million dollars in ten minutes scam or help kind abubu scam, but pretending their idea is any better than the last 50,000 ones. Be nice to make so dough, trust me tried, and roulette is the only thing I ever actually made money one. Scamming is the only real way if you don't like to gamble..haha

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  3. Why isnt anyone suing Adsense for their stupid "I am god" attitude? They will declare and decide and call you a cheat and liar and you can do nothing about it. Scumbags, they developed their products from opensource now planning to sell theirs, how many applications built with opensource can be sold? I dont know.
    Did you try Microsoft? Heard that hightraffic sites get a shot there.

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  4. Sorry boys, wish I could be your Fairy Blogmother and grant you a magic, money making solution to all of your problems, but I've got nothing...:(

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  5. You guys look disturbingly good as ho's.

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  6. I've not a fucking clue how to actually make money with a blog of itself. I tried the Pimp, and made nothing and I'm also not going to tattoo my child (blog) with ads for a few bucks.

    My feeling is that your manuscripts are where you are going to make your money and since this site is a platform for them, that is how you will actually profit from this site. If your manuscripts were shit then I would support looking into ways to make money of this site itself, but since you have talent outside of "just" (<--I put in quotes only because it does take talent to blog as well) I think you should direct efforts there. Which I do know you're doing for the most part.

    (That advice is worth exactly what you paid for it (ie. nothing))

    ((I've not had enough coffee yet this morning so this might not make sense.))

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  7. Hilarious as usual. Loved seeing Zuckerberg at it again lol... something so gross but funny about that image.

    About the advertising, if you both have this much trouble then I can't imagine anyone else making it. Although, you might want to apply to the big make-up brands because you guys look great all dolled up.

    As for taking a vacation - you can't - you would be missed too much ;-)

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  8. I just now that the day I hit my payment threshold, I'm gonna get bitch-slapped by the pimp and lose my earnings and get banned!

    Thanks for the warning of what is sure to come! Until then, I can pretend like I'm making money. I've been blogging for almost a year now! Only halfway there for that first payment! Hard work really pays off don't it?

    I did open a zazzle store! Sold a whopping one shirt that netted me a whole 2 dollars! Making it big time!

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  9. Ugh... Google Adsense... I left that pimp a while back, after I got beat of course.

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  10. Write exam papers and CV's for the bitches and hoes gentlemen....but seriously we may need to get a job!!!!

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  11. I think I'm pretty far from the adsense payout since the ads don't usually correlate with what I'm talking about at all! Oh, and because I have a single digit $ amount in the account....

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  12. I think your best bet probably is the herpes way. I know the blogger you're talking about, and I do find it odd that he can get adverts but not you guys. There are plenty of people who have made the same complaint about big daddy G, and I've suffered from it myself (though I'm still with Daddy G) I think there are ways to make money, but for now you should stick with your writing. Your book. Plus when the other stuff comes out, maybe that can make some money.

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  13. I hear you! I don't want to give up control with random ads (or get screwed by pimpsense). And I'm not doing product placements (unless Sutter Home winery is reading this). What to do!?

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  14. I must use the word "e-pimp" in a sentence soon! And speaking of penguins, did you see that story about the explorer who was so ashamed of their sexual behavior 100 years ago (including the necrophilia, which was just because they were too stupid to notice the females were dead) that he hid his research?!

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  15. Good thing you warned me about Adsense because I was going to try it out, though my traffic is so nonexistent that it show no results anyway. Anyway, if you find a way, be sure to let us know.

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  16. h you mean we're supposed to make money at this. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

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  17. I have no idea! The only thing I've heard about that you didn't mention is you selling space on your page for advertisements... that you control!

    For example, I could come to you with a pic (that says "ThatWhiteGirl's Blog - best blog ever", naturally) and you charge me some fee to have it on your sidebar for a week, month, year, whatever.

    AND you could increase the fee you charge if you guys drew the pic!! *genius*

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  18. If I knew I wouldn't be selling my soul to the devil at this shit hole I work at. I know some of the more innocent/vanilla/boring home decorating blogs charge other blogs a fee to be listed on their blog.....which is a bunch of elitist crap! Whatever. Keep doing what you are doing. If you add that little share to Facebook button at the end of your posts I would be happy to click it and share it with my random Facebook "friends".

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  19. I have no idea. I have a friend who says he makes money through his blog, but I've never been brave enough to ask how he actually does that. Yes, I'm scared of the answer. I do know that he occasionally writes sponsored posts.

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  20. I thought I would be able to make money off of AdSense too but then I got denied because my site was "to difficult to navigate" - really?? Why?? Have you had problems navigating my four tabbed blog? Whew!! I simply wanted to break even on the $19.95 I paid for the .com addy. Oh well. When you strike it rich, let us know how you did it!!!!

    Good luck!!

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  21. I see a lot of people hocking branded merchandise, maybe a shirt or ABftS branded beer steins? Maybe you can put together an advertiser package showing how many books you sold from click-through originating on your site?
    I've also heard of people partnering with Amazon so if I go to Amazon by clicking through your site, you get a kick back of whatever I purchase. Don't know how lucrative that is, though.
    Maybe you should just sell your used underwear to Japanese businessmen.

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  22. I'd buy a t-shirt or a beer mug or whatever. I hope you guys find a way to keep doing what you love.

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  23. I have no idea how to help you guys make money short of throwing a paypal link up there and begging for donations. I hope you figure it out, because if some of the random ass blogs out there can do it, you should be able to do it too. You boys deserve great wealth.

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  24. The moment I saw KEYSTONE LIGHT mentioned, I knew a punchline was just around the corner. Guys who live in the state where Odell Red Ale and Mojo IPA are brewed don't drink Keystone Light.

    >>...Hell, we don’t even promote casual bestiality anymore. Who has the time?

    Ha!-Ha! One of your bestest lines!

    Incidentally, I make all of my money by selling horse racing betting systems and Lotto number combination calculations that are guaranteed to make a person a millionaire in just a couple years. (No one ever seems to question why a person already in possession of such knowledge would need to sell it to others. There's a sucker born and aborted every 60 seconds.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  25. Hm. I just started to Google AdSense thing like a month ago. I'm still trying to figure out how it works really. I also don't care that much. ::shrug:: So, in other words, I'm of no help at all.

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  26. I don't trust anyone who says they'll give me "free money". There's no such thing.

    I really agree with Kat. Your books are where your real money-making potential is. You guys are so talented and funny, I'm sure your blog is just a launching platform for bigger and better things.

    Was that cheesy and nonsensical? I kind of got the impression that it was...

    Oh well.

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  27. jesus christ. i never in my life thought i would say these words, but...but you two boys make some damn fine-looking underage prostitutes. wow.

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  28. I read this and had a flashback to Talladega Nights.lol Now I can't get the picture of that Fig Newton banner over Ricky Bobby's windshield out of my head. I do love Fig Newtons.

    Seriously though I have no ideas. I am resigned to being poor.

    But I have to agree with that other commentor about ya'll looking good as Ho's.ha

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  29. I know what you mean about Adsense, they cancelled my account just before I was due my first payment too. I think some people make a buck writing reviews of things for sale on sites like Amazon and using affiliate selling, but you have to get approved for an account which seems more complicated than it should be.

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  30. I feel ya. And I felt the rape of Facebook myself. "Here's $50 in free credits!"

    Have you seen the 'economy' episode of South Park? With the "...aaaaaand it's GONE" banker? Yeah, that's Facebook with your money.

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  31. This is one of the funniest posts Ive read from you!

    Or maybe I usually just read them before I am fully woken up. Or maybe the fact that I'm drunk right now is helping.

    I don't know what to tell you about ads... Maybe you can get businesses to pay you to NOT mention them on your site. I for one am NEVER going to purchase Pringles or Keystone after reading today's post!

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  32. You know why you don't make money? Because you're honest. And logical.

    And clever too. You have proven you make any point clear as hell without compromising the integrity of this amazing comic.

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  33. Hmm...wonder if you could offer services as writers online?

    Edit posts for others to make them more enjoyable? Dunno...although then your traffic might be less since the fact that you guys are so hilarious/entertaining and well written is what gets people here in the first place.

    I wonder if google has ever been sued based on this.

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  34. I know the reader that you're talking about!! lol Too funny that he gets paid advertising and we don't.

    Did google adsense really do that?? Crooks!!!! Wait, now I'm going to get banned for saying that, ain't I? lol

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  35. I have no idea how people make money doing this. Maybe you need to open a Zazzle shop and put some of your cartoons on mugs and T-shirts.

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  36. I use Adsense and have made $214 in 3 years. Not exactly a gold mine. I tried selling mugs and t-shirts. I sold one mug. I have boxes of mugs and t-shirts in my closet!

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  37. You might try doing it via old fashioned ways like: networking on other blogs, i.e. finding like-minded humor blogs on which to comment; always include a link to your blog embedded in the comment; respond to everyone who comments ( which I'm pretty sure you already do judging by your consistent responses to me as well as my blog). Writers Digest has a blogging section & there are other free sites with helpful info such as BlogHer.

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  38. I will give you 10,000 if you give me 10,000. then we can both tell people we are making fat stacks of cash!!!

    P.s. you send money first ok?

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  39. Oh jesus, I'm at the point where I don't even check Pimp$en$e anymore. Sure I didn't get screwed like you guys did, but ohhhh man - I'm suddenly not gettin' ANY clickthrough traffic whatsoever. So before The Generalist, yeah, I got a whole 100 bucks.

    Afterwards, I got nozink. NOZINK!

    I KNOW I get traffic, I've gotten more traffic doing the short stories than I ever have with all my blogs, and yet...nada.

    Anyway, I keep HEARING about people who make money on these things, but I've never met anyone who actually has. Online or in real life.

    I'm just sayin', it's not the brass ring nor the carrot on a stick...but it certainly doesn't seem like the way for a hard workin' writer to make money. I'm just sayin'...

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  40. This post depresses me. I feel like you are two of the most talented writers out there, and your blog makes me literally LOL time after time. Not so mention the fact that you are way more proactive about getting your work published and taking on additional projects than I ever will be. If you can't make money, then I certainly can't.

    Also, I would love the link to the post where you talk about Adsense, as I can't seem to find it.

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  41. I did not come onto Blogger to make money (hell, I can't!), but it would be nice to get a few cents here and there.
    But I only do this for my own enjoyment.

    You guys, however, spend gazillions of minutes checking our blogs. YOU DESERVE US PAYING YOU!

    LOL open up a fan club with yearly payments and a free mug and a free HD porn vid of you guys when we buy it.

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  42. Just an idea...I know at a lot of beauty bloggers get paid to endorse & review beauty & hair products. You could do something similar relating to your "theme". Bloke type products. Beer. Ummm tools. Ummm books. Comedy shows. Gadgets. etc etc blah blah. If you promoted this not only through your blog but also through Facebook, Twitter, You Tube and what ever other media source you have & could use.
    It would be an interesting angle actually for you only see chick reviews on products through social media. A bloke one would be a hit.
    Keep your theme, ramblings etc, but chuck in a few reviews.
    Worst case is you get loads of free stuff and no money.

    Just an idea....

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  43. LOL!! i enjoy the long post here. Why not ask them how they make money..

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  44. I have no clue about any of that. Has it helped you sell books? :( Sorry guys, wish I was of more help.

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  45. All those advertising jackasses know you're just too smart for them! Good luck for reals. I've no help for you tho. What can I say? I'm just not that cool.... yet!

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  46. I stopped caring about the money. Every time I DO get paid it's an amazing surprise. BUT I'd still look into my service if I were you. Project Wonderful. They work mainly with web comics and they pay 'decent' for good traffic, but it's pretty transparent. Fun to handle. Takes no more than a few days to get used to, really.

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  47. Sorry, I have no suggestions other than you being someone's bitch.

    Those ads suck though. When I go to a site filled with ads, I'm outta there.

    Try putting a donate button on the sidebar and see what happens.

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  48. There do seem to be very few ways of genuinely turning some coin from blogging...and like Mr Brown said if two talented guys like you struggle to find a way to make some money what hope do the rest of us have.

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  49. The ultimate mystery goes unsolved...!

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  50. I like Play's idea. I am being serious. The two of you could make it funny. You could make oodles of money while poking fun at cosmetic companies. OR, you could charge money for special content.

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  51. My AdSense account got cancelled before my first payment as well. I was also confused as to why I was cancelled. It was never explained to me.

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  52. Maybe open a "store". Some of the images from your best characters. I'd seriously buy a coffee mug with the goat. Although I can't say I'd drink coffee from it, one look and it would be all over.

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  53. @bastard, interesting indeed. I noticed a leveling off on the froogle madsense lately, but I have been paid (a few times) but I've had a blog since 05 and adsense since 06, so age of the blog vs traffic and click through ect.. To the beer boys: You've got the following, I've bought an actual ebook, not just the freebie so I know I'm contributing.... I would say the flattr.com route would be one way to think about. Sometimes sales requires not only flexibility and creativity with the truth but success stories. Make a pitch deck with your analytics stats, show volume and find something that matches your shtick. Specific Amazon Affiliates ads for instance would be interesting.

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  54. You might put some of your content together into book form.

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  55. HAHAHAHAHAH,

    Do you think anyone actually clicks on those ads? Especially the penis enlargement ones... I mean, really?

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  56. Suns of bitches is what they are! (I'm afraid to write the word sons now that we're all being watched. Jax is right. Anyway, the only way to make money is by scamming people or working hard. That's it. Or posting naked pictures, of course. How about a ABFTS spin-off? Naked naked naked....

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  57. I often wonder the same thing myself, actually. I think the most successful venture is placing one of those Paypal "Donate" buttons so people can contribute. I know of one blogger who, when her computer died, had people donate enough money to fund the purchase for a laptop!

    -Barb the French Bean

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  58. I am just copying what I put on G+, but I figured you might not check there. OK, here goes. --- I feel you. Googs did the exact same thing to me, and they owed me over $180. I was, and still am, pissed. I'm going to put a paypal button on mine. It's less annoying, and if nobody clicks it, at least it will be consistent with the ads. --- I know I owe you fuckers a fiver at least, and I'm sure there are others that feel the same.

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  59. write e books for kindle .. I think that's the best way as you got reputation so people will buy your books.
    idea: write a collection of your blog posts or take for example facebook and fuck the shit out of it.. etc. 15 to 20 pages would do .keep the price low . hopefully that would work

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