Monday, June 4, 2012

Fifty Shades of Terrible

          A new trilogy of romance novels is taking the world by storm -- Fifty Shades of Grey, aka 1,664 pages of Grade-F mommy porn. It originated as awful Twilight fan-fiction, which seems fitting because much like Twilight, it's the terribly written, laughably cliched story of how important it is to get and keep a boyfriend.
          Fifty Shades of Grey is the tale of Ana Steele, the lonely, boring, average, boyfriendless intern, who meets the gorgeous, fit, well-hung, 26 year old billionaire (yes, billionaire) Christian Grey, who spends his free time speaking fluent French, flying jets and helicopters, feeding the starving children in Africa, and playing the works of Beethoven on piano as beautifully as the composer himself. Yes, that's right ladies, he's the perfect man... well, he's what a gaggle of giggling teenage girls think is the perfect man, except this novel wasn't written by 15-year-olds. Maybe if it was, it might be better, but no, it was written by a middle-aged woman.





           Christian, who never actually works (for a guy who runs a billion dollar company), obsesses over this plain-Jane and writes up a contract he wants her to sign, which allows him to do anything to her sexually that he pleases, and yes, Christian is into some freaky ass shit. But before he beats her with whips and chains, he has to take her virginity, because she's a virgin who's never had a boyfriend and never even touched herself, and come on, how annoying is that?
            So he insists on taking her right then and there, and when he deflowers her, not only does it not hurt her, but she orgasms roughly 2-million times (even just from him touching her breasts), a trend that continues throughout the rest of the books--her orgasming millions of times in his presence--which is a totally realistic portrayal of a virgin's first experience with sex.










           No, you moron, she doesn't need medical attention! She needs Mr. Grey's pulsating man-sword to fix this awful "virginity" problem we seem to have!



          And so they went off to a broom closet to get that whole "virginity" annoyance out of the way. But don't worry, folks, dear Ana losing her virginity wasn't rape, because Christian Grey is a handsome trillionaire, which makes it totally okay. It would have only been forceful and distasteful if he was an average looking man with little to no money.
          After being deflowered, she happily signed his rape contract so the beatings could begin.





          From there is loosely 1500 pages of sex. And angst. Sex and angst, angst and sex. And some flogging. Because who needs a real plot when you can have a couple constantly break up and get back together and have violent sex?













Avid 'Twilight' author and Mormon sexpert, Stephenie Meyer.




             And then, after all that violent sex, the first book ends on a huge cliffhanger. Or at least we the brain-dead audience are supposed to believe it's a cliffhanger.


          And that's it. They break up, leaving us to wonder what will happen in the next 2 books. Oh wait, that's right, we already know what happens since there's TWO MORE BOOKS.



Or maybe it is. I don't know. At this point, as this heap of literary dogshit is being gobbled up by the yardful on the bestseller lists, I begin to question my sanity. I mean, maybe chihuahua turds taste good after all. What do you think? Have any of you dared take a bestselling bite?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

B&B

Beer: Colorado Native
Music: Doves

85 comments:

  1. This is why I don't trust the bestseller list. The American Consumer hoard isn't a great judge of good literature.

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  2. Aaahahaha. You are a straight guy, I am going to ignore your review and read this book and find out for myself.
    I hate when men write reviews for "sex and the city" movie.

    These kinda stories are fairytales - Cindrella, Sleeping beauty stories for middleaged women, where the miss would sleep all day long or absolutely have nothing to attract, yet Prince Charming would show up and kiss the bitch and they live happily ever after. Mills and Boon is nothing but graphic porn for women.

    Men may get satisfied with "someone ordered a pizza?" but woman have high standards BB. We need to read, visualize and let our imagination build that "turducken" kinda of "astro-trinore-firefight-hunk" and get excited - that is woman orgasm. ( I cant stop laughing)

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  3. I haven't read this book but with how much people are gushing over it I made the mistake of thinking it might be decent. I almost want to read it just for all the violent sex but that does not make a good book. It barely sounds like a good porno.

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  4. Love your take on the whole thing. I wrote a similar post about a month ago called "Fifty Shades of Redneck Recap", because like you, I can't imagine a virgin getting an A plus on her first ever blow job (no gag reflex) and having multiple orgasms. Oh yea, and who calls their vajayjay their "sex"?????

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  5. B&B- I'm going to have to stop reading your posts while drinking coffee, cause I just spit it all over my keyboard laughing, again.

    I was coerced into reading this book by "friends" b/c they all insisted I just had to read it, it was just "so good"...yeah, uh, well, I disagree...it was not good, not good at all.

    If this is the kind of story that women are all running out and buying into, as a writer and a mother of three girls, I'm in some deep shizz!

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  6. Clearly you haven't read the book or you would have mentioned the part where he takes a tampon, a freaking tampon, out of her so they can have sex. Check, please.

    That book gave me a big case of the icks. I felt like I needed to get tested just from reading it.

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  7. I looked up that it really was a twilight fan-fiction turned "novel". I thought you guys were kidding....Maybe less people should read books.

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  8. I will be sure not to read this. I will also be sure to hang myself if I do read it. Actually, I will be sure to hang myself while reading it....as a reminder as to why I'm hanging myself in the first place!

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  9. Hahahahah my sister read this. And LIKED it. *vomits forever*

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  10. You could pretty much makes fortune at JUST THIS: Saving readers the bother of reading today's awful mass-produced tripe by breaking it down in humorous, easy-to-scan cartoon form.

    It would probably work with novels that students have to do book reports on, too.

    You could call it B&B Notes or something (Cliff is already taken).

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  11. My girlfriend is into these books. I asked her to read it to me and I was like DAFUQ? Women find this hot now? Oh wait, it's only because he's rich. A middle class loser like myself would never be able to get away with that. lol.

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  12. Lol!! This was an awesome post! I haven't read the book but keep hearing about it all over the place. It's great to be clued in as to what it's all about.

    Favourite moments:

    Bryan's wink
    The hand touch orgasm
    Spontaneous fornication

    Brilliant post guys! Really cracked me up!

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  13. Never had any thought of reading these books, especially when someone I know told me about them- sorry, I'm not into that! But I'm way into cartoons describing that so I know what to avoid in my millionaires...

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  14. I read all 3. Since I looked at them from a mindless reading POV, something to pass the time at work, it was fine for me. As far as deserving to be on the Bestseller list, no. But that's just what the list is - best seller. It meand nothing more than a million women went out and actually bought the book. It says nothing of being good. Or does it? I'm not a writer so literary highlights are Greek to me.

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  15. LOL I read the first chapter and that was it, how does this stuff ever get on the bestseller list? Oh right! Bunch of suckers believe it is real, pfft. Write something completely twilight wannabe or out there sex wise and it seems to sell.

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  16. Thank you. Now I don't have to buy the books. I'll just keep reading this post over and over and ravaging my husband.

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  17. I was actually going to read the book, because who doesn't like a little erotica every once in a while? But thanks to reviews like yours (which is hilarious) I won't waste my time. Instead, I'll just go out looking for a trillionaire millionaire and make my own porno story (and hey, maybe I can work "photographer" into the rape contract, so I don't have to take pictures of myself anymore).

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  18. Hilarious! Now I don't have to read the books to know what everyone is going on about! Seriously though... she's one lucky virgin. I lost mine in a tent to a long-hair who didn't have a job; it was so short lived I wasn't even sure if it had happened... I certainly didn't orgasm 8 million times.

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  19. I am not entirely sure why this is still considered Twilight fanfiction. Aren't there vampires and werewolves in Twilight?

    I keep hearing strange things about the book, and every time I say to myself, "Wow, that's so much worse than I had heard." Then, I'm enlightened to something even more grotesque.

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  20. My hairdresser had me convinced not to believe that these books were a pile of crap but reading this AND the comment by Jane up there about the tampon - I'm good.

    I'll stick with Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty for my sexual deviance outlet LOL

    Thanks guys!!

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  21. lol good ol brandon. being normal and sober...why is he sober? sick? as for the story/book it sounds like its full of great women logic.

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  22. I downloaded a sample. Yep. Not shocked it's Twilight Fanfic. Not shocked. Makes you wonder why you bother to learn to write or try to get better at it.

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  23. Oh god, all I've read about how horrible this book is and yet people keep buying it and reading it. My mother and her colleagues all bought it to see what the fuss was about. (Ew). And she said it was the worst written thing she'd ever read. Her colleagues loved it. What the hell is the world coming to?

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  24. Oh my goodness. Funniest review of this crappy book I've seen so far. Wait...Mormon sexpert? Seriously?

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  25. It has to be better than the Da Vinci Code, right? There's sex and junk. Oh I got it. Million dollar idea for you novelists: the Day Vinci Code meets Twilight meets 50 Shades. A shirtless werewolf quadrillionaire playboy must solve a Vatican mystery and all the clues are in the vagina of a timid girl with no personality.
    You're welcome.

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  26. I know this book is crap. I've read dozens of crappy reviews. I've seen entire sites dedicated to correcting the writing style and technique.

    I'm going to read them anyways. Even though I know it'll probably take my IQ down a notch. You see, I'm a woman. A married and pregnant woman. I need that kind of ridiculous thrill and completely unrealistic distraction from the everyday monotony.

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  27. I have to disagree with you about one thing...I'm pretty sure if any of us actually met a gorgeous billionaire, pilot, piano player who wanted to be with us then we would have no problem having an orgasm. A lot of them.

    All the rest is total bullshit though.ha I have heard so many horrible reviews about this that now I'm tempted to read it. Reverse psychology totally works on me.lol

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  28. I can't wait to see what they're going to do with her severed bone arm.

    http://chooplah.blogspot.com

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  29. Hahaha, man I have missed ya'll! Oh wait, we know what happens because there are TWO MORE BOOKS. Classic. I just can't get into this kinda shiz. Mommy porn, indeed. When someone recommends it to me, someone who I know does not usually read, and tells me that it's not written very well but has lots of romance, I just about threw up on them. No thanks. Got lots of catching up with you guys. It is going to be a great afternoon!

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  30. OMG. Is that seriously seriously what 50 Shades is about? THAT'S what half my blogroll is slavering over?! UGH. I'll be very happy to be knee-deep in Snow Flower and the Secret Fan instead.

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  31. Thank you so much for the summary. Now I won't have to read it, well... maybe I will you know for a good laugh. Ahem.

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  32. I've been confused how terrible stuff like "Twilight" and "Fifty Shades" became popular right around the same time as legitimately good writing like "The Hunger Games" and "Game of Thrones."
    You have to look at who is buying, reading, and most importantly loving these works. People who love the latter are book people, people who have read dozens or even hundereds or stories, and picked out Collins's and Martin's works as the very best that they wanted to share with the world. The people who love "Twilight" and "Fifty Shades" are the average populace who don't know any better.

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  33. HA! Funny stuffs as usual.

    Someone I work with told me she was in the process of reading 'Fifty Shades Of Grey', and I just stood there with that blank look (that I do so well) and I replied, "Oh", which is what I always say when encountering the latest big thing that I have never even heard about because I refuse to open my ears and eyes and witness what this world has become.

    Anyway, thanks to that female co-worker mentioning the book, I at least had some inkling of what you were referring to here.

    'Fifty Shades Of Grey' - $9.57
    Orgasms - 666,000
    The look on Ana's face while she's having an orgasm and reaching out to accept the contract? - PRICELESS!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  34. Thank you for reading this and confirming what I already suspected which is that I never, ever want to. I was already in boycott mode, but now I feel completely rhiteous about it!

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  35. That is downright freakin' hilarious! Well done!

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  36. This is way more entertaining than any CliffsNotes I've ever read. And not nearly the scam that CliffsNotes is.

    Jay

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  37. For more appealing domination you should read the claiming of beauty by anne rice.

    It's so many levels of fucked up.

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  38. SO!! Finally! A post on which I can chime in!

    As a sex blogger, and as a sex blogger who reads PLENTY of other sex blogs; MANY of which contain BDSM themes, I have to say, we're kind of annoyed.

    This is a pathetic attempt at a regurgitation of an M/s relationship.

    Although, CLEARLY, the author hasn't had any sex that didn't involve staring at the ceiling lost deep in thought or she'd know...

    It's a bad attempt at BDSM.

    I mean, contracts exist. They do! I know LOTS of women (and some men) who have signed them...but...not QUITE the way they go in this book.

    She needed to do a few hours worth of research on FetLife or read a few sex blogs BEFORE attempting to write a novel.

    Also, from a literary standpoint (I only sifted through it, a friend of mine read it and called me VERY confused) she usues words, plain, normal, english words incorrectly. (Obviously I don't have it in front of me, or I would pull an example.)

    It's like she was REALLY trying to prove that she's an adult, not a teenager, by using 27-point-scrabble words.

    But she clearly didn't have a thesaurus or a dictionary anywhere near.

    Such a shame.

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  39. What I can't believe is that you actually read that. Or did you...?

    And, crap, I had something else to say, but my kids have made me forget whatever it was.

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  40. *Runs through the door and breathes in the smell of awesomeness*

    I think I missed you most of all, scarecrow. I've been away from the internets for a while...

    This book sounds fucking terrible, and you make it utterly hilarious.

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  41. BAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I've never read these books, nor do I plan to, especially since you basically just told me the whole story. I think your portrayal is far better. :)

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  42. 50 Shades is going to cause a generation of women who just don't understand why they didn't have an O after 30 seconds.

    I'm sorry ladies, 98% of the time, that feat is only reserved for men (not that we like to admit it...).

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  43. Thank you for this. Now I don't have to read all of those pages of smut.

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  44. I am currently reading this and loving it. It is exactly how I remember my first time!!!
    In fact Im actually orgasm-ing just thinking about my first time again...

    Sincerely,
    Not Reality

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  45. OK then. Maybe I really AM a 'nice' person, lost somewhere in the ozone. While I had heard of this 'book', I had no idea it was 'gleanings from the hamster cage'. ARE you kidding me? Who thinks this 'sheepskin' up? Who pays $$$ for it? Who thought the whole goofy idea of 'fan fiction' up anyway? Spare me from the 'Oh baby! Oh baby' of it all.

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  46. The perfect man?? Psh!!!!! I read the fifty shades of grey and loved every single page of it. I could see the juice dripping from the pages!! But, Mr. Grey is far from the perfect man. In fact, I hated him. lol He was a controlling, arrogant, freak that made for a great read!! lol

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  47. PFFFFFFFT AHAHAHAHAHHA HA OH SHIT!

    Yeah, yeaaaaaah. A round of applause for the literary audience of the world.

    I remember how, while growing up, my parents impressed upon me the need to read and how important it is. That by reading and learning the works of Shakespeare, Poe, and Mark Twain (May his soul never rest, for he has no truck with God nor God with him) I better myself as a writer, a reader, and a person. That by reading the works of the ancient and eldritch philosophers and deep thinkers, I broaden my horizons and capabilities.

    And, naturally, by reading sci-fi and fantasy like Anthony, Aspirin, or Heinlein I shall find adventure and new ideas, inspiration, and the value of entertainment.

    ANNNNNNND then all this Harry Potter mass consumption frenzy began. I mean, whatever happened to R.L. Stine or the guy who did Animorphs?

    Naw man, now it's this Twilight-ish dreck. Outside of Anne Rice (anything beyond The Vampire Lestat fuckin' sucks) I don't know who to point the finger at and blame for the downfall of literature, only that it's going on right before our eyes.

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  48. I do appreciate your reading this utter crap so that I don't have to. I also wonder (having NOT read the above comments) whether women the world over recognize that they read this, and tell us men that we're the pigs!!

    Hypocrisy is alive and well!

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  49. I wouldn't wipe my ass on that book. Your analysis is right on, boys!

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  50. Never heard of it

    Why would crap like this sell so well? Is it because there is a vacuum of cliche that needs to be filled?

    hehehe... filled

    Anyway, thanks for the heads up boys, if i see my girlfriend reading that crap I could be in for a rough night ;)

    Today's safe-word is: shredder

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  51. Well, as a guy who read that book, all I have to say is I think you're judging too quick. It may seem like its plot is a little simple, but it's what happens during all the crude parts that builds the story. It's different. I think you guys are just jealous because she just wooshed into air and made trillions and found her perfect man and

    Did I give anyone a heart attack yet? Don't hate me. This was terrible of me, I know. I'm almost sorry.

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  52. When all I lost my virginity, all I got was a beer. Not an orgasm, and certainly not two. And the man, he was a construction worker who was having trouble making ends meet. I know where I went wrong. I developed a personality, but certainly not two.

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  53. Thank you for discussing what a horrid piece of shit that book is. Seriously, I am very tempted to write my own piece of garbage and market it to horny teenagers and soccer moms.

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  54. While it may be grade F mommy porn, I'm sure that I wouldn't have any problems with a book that bad if it generated the almighty dollars that this has.

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  55. Very intresting and lovely blog!

    What do u say about following each others blog on Gfc and bloglovin just to stay in contact this way?

    Lots of love,

    www.nicoleta.me

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  56. Oh I am so out of the loop when it comes to trends.
    That said, nothing I have read anywhere is actually compelling me to run out and buy it.
    I do love your take on it all though

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  57. Thank God! There are more of us not understanding Twilight!
    Why would a Werewolf and a Vampire fight over a girl that is totally uninteresting and boring? This question is been hunting me ever since I unfortunately got talked into watching the first movie.....and when did Vampires get feelings?! They are supposed to be bloodsucking, violent, dangerous creatures! I am just waiting for the next awful plot which I am sure is going to be about a zombie getting into a emotional relationship with a human, but it can never work cause he is full of toilet paper and always wants to eat her brains. But still they somehow make it work after 1500 pages of doubt and endless heartache.

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  58. I can't wait for ten-twenty years from now when all the girls who grew up reading those books and the twilight books enter the real world and have to get over there weird issues! Like with girls over coming that they'll never be like the disney princesses!! I hope some parents do the right thing and explain to there children how unrealistic some things and or stupid some things are! I'd sooner beleive in vampires then the actions of the characters in twilight!!

    Great mocking of this! You two guys are certainly tallented!! And getting better! This posts story flowed better! More like a video would! I hope that means your profecting your comical timing!!

    Keep up the awesome work!!!

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  59. God I just know the wife will be obsessed with these

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  60. Sheesh people! Get over yourselves! Not every book has to be a masterpiece of literature. Honestly, it's okay to read a book just because it is fun. Book snobs annoy me.

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    Replies
    1. This upsets me. It seriously does. How is 50 shades even fun? I don't know. Maybe Brandon, Bryan, and I are just part of a dying breed which finds intellectually stimulating books to be fun. Wait it doesn't even have to be that. It can just MAKE SENSE. 50 Shades, Twilight, etc did NOT make sense. In fact, it is a highly unrealistic regression, and women who DESIRE for these sordid scenarios to happen to them is a deplorable reflection of how far we've fallen.

      Another reason why this is not okay is because there are writers/individuals exponentially more talented than these housewife porno producers, and yet they starve. These are people who not only have something profound to say, but they can say it beautifully.

      What happens to a child when it is fed nothing but ice cream and sugary sweets? The same thing which happens to us as a culture, who cannot distinguish the saccharine rot from the wholesome masterpieces. This is why it is so easy for the media to brainwash the layman. This is why it is so easy for governments to conduct genocides and inhumane acts overseas while we wallow in our Huxley-esque decay.

      I'm sorry for the diatribe. I don't mean to offend or condescend you, but there is something amiss in today's society, and I just have to at least expound on why "book snobs" exist.

      Delete
  61. I'd read them! I've finally found another book for my school reading log! Thank you guys!

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  62. I've never flown a fighter jet either, which means I'm a loser.... thanks. I once put the two of you in a fighter jet, though. Does that make me a winner now? But seriously, the things that people do, right?

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  63. @meandmythinkingcap - You make me want to write about Sex and the City again. :D

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  64. I haven't read the book, but there's no way it could even come close to your pictures! I do love reading kinky fanfiction, and there's some great stuff out there, but this just sounds like someone regurgitating a whole bunch of BDSM themes she's heard of but doesn't really understand the dynamics of. No wonder so many people in the lifestyle are so angry about it.

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  65. Is there a movie version of this? If so, I'm sure I'll end up seeing it at some point, and dying a little inside.

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  66. I haven't read, nor do I have any desire to read these books. I KNOW how to have great sex and it doesn't include books or toys. Give me a man that is sensitive to my needs as I am theirs and I'm all good. Great review though, I LMAO...

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  67. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  68. Jesus Christ, my spelling and grammar is so bad after sleeping. Ok, try number two:

    Ahaha, when it has Brandon say "So...this is basically a rape contract" I thought you make HIM sign it. And I'm like: "lady bits" ...for BRANDON?!

    I think mass producing rape contracts might actually be what Stephenie Meyer does nowadays. I'm surprised she doesn't make people sign it with blood. THEIR VIRGIN BLOOD.

    I have absolutely no desire to read a book with as boring a name as "Fifty Shades of Grey", and which started out as a Twilight fantassy. I would rather chew on lead.

    But I am sure at some point in the near future, a terrible movie will be released based on this book, and all the book readers will orgasm spontaneously, thus ending the universe with their dark energy.

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  69. LOL.

    I actually sat and read all 4 Twilight books (with the reasoning that if so many people are obsessed with them, they have to get good at some point, right? wrong.). I'll be sure never to pick up 50 Shades of Grey. ;D

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  70. Oh my god. This.

    I take it the sex is good? Thats a lot of times to come, after all. Just an observation.

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  71. Gah! What the fuck is wrong with the American public that they are eating up this crap? Thank you for warning me. A friend offered to bring this book by for me as I recover. I think I'll pass, and maybe go eat my own innards instead.

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  72. I'm pretty sure I just had 31 million spontaneous orgasms reading this. Good jobs, guys!

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  73. Omg that was hilarious! My husband bought me the book to see what all the fuss was about (well, that's what he told me but I wonder why he also bought all that bondage gear too?) and it is really really badly written. Apart from everything you mentioned, if she says "Holy Crap" one more time, she ought to call herself Robin (as in Batman). And her really irritating "inner Goddess" etc ...arrrrgghhhh! But I, of course, orgasm just by actually picking up the book as that is what we silly women do!!!

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  74. Bahahaha! Love, love, love this.

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  75. I accidentally read a semi-graphic passage of it online (it was an entry on a Tumblr blog), and I do mean accidentally because it wasn't until I finished reading that passage that I found out it came from that literary abortion.

    Let me tell you, I've never felt so indignant and disgusted on so many levels.

    "My God, this reads as if it were written by a middle school student. The language is so poor written that it's a major turn-off for me. How was this even PUBLISHED in the first place? And WHAT are people thinking when they read this?! GAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!"

    Then I kept writing my own novel and felt better. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

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  76. I have been trying to read it, I really have. But the writing is so awful it's an uphill battle. Still I reckon I read enough to love this post, BTW the audiobook version is even more horrendous although I suppose the narrator does perfectly capture the silly, breathless Ana voice.

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  77. Damn. This is so f'ing funny. You guys put my riff about this book to shame.

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  78. Wow, back in my day we called the cops on assholes like Christian. Your take on 50 Shades of Shit is much more enjoyable.

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  79. This. Is. Awesome. I made the mistake of getting a sample on my Nook. I deleted it immediately up reading the first few pages. The content and writing? Are complete shit.

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  80. This is probably one of the best summarys of this shitty excuse for a book I have ever come across.

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  81. I truly tried to read these based on recommendations from friends. I couldn't even get through the first 100 pages of the first book. I even tried to suspend my desperate need for a well-written sentence and just hover over the "story." Still, no. Perhaps I need different friends.

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