Thursday, June 14, 2012

Date My Brother In Law!

         They say it's hard to find love, and I don't know who exactly "they" are, but it seems like they might be onto something. Now, I'm fortunate to have my lovely wife, but others aren't always so lucky. Like my brother-in-law.
         He's a 33 year old self made millionaire and the CEO of his own company, which he started at 18 and continues to build up to this day. And women flock to him because of this, namely the kind that have more boobs than brains and whose dead, glossy little eyes are full of dollar signs. But once they find out what it takes to date him, they usually can't stick it out. You see, he's a great guy with a good sense of humor and a charming personality... but he's definitely your typical "eccentric" millionaire, and he has a lot of quirks that most women aren't willing to deal with.
         So what does it take to be able to date someone like my brother-in-law? Our good friend Jewels posed this question, so today I bring you our new game show...



















(True story. Let's just say the bathroom is a huge inconvenience for a busy VIP)
















          So there you have it, the winner is... nobody. Because dating a millionaire isn't always a vacation in Monaco and caviar for dinner and Lamborghini rides. Sometimes it's getting things that are right next to him, trimming toe claws, making all day Taco Bell runs, and dealing with the aftereffects of this... all day Taco Bell "runs." Sometimes it's realizing that he doesn't shower... often. Sometimes it's realizing that his creative genius is more than just IT Infrastructure, because he really doesn't care much to go to the bathroom when he's working, and he'll create inventive ways to evacuate waste without leaving his computer chair. I'll let you figure that one out for yourself.
          So forget all that "Bachelor" bullshit that we've been fed by TV and movies. Do you think you have what it takes to date a millionaire? Because I know I sure as hell don't.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Sam Adams
Music: King Charles

70 comments:

  1. I take that you have a lovely couch in your home? Per year how many do you sleep on the couch? But you have captured everything right about dating over-the-top rich guys. And not to forget the "the rich people thing" slogan in condescending tone.
    Unless if a woman has plans to marry the millionaire, date his secretary and sleep with pool boy, not everyone's cup of tea, or maybe a strong prenuptial if there are plans to break it off in 3 months ;) else will end up only with lowselfesteem.

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  2. This is funny! (And too true, I'm sure!)I like it! :D

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  3. I have no problem doing those things. For money at least.

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  4. Holy crap this was, as usual, ridiculous funny!But Lord have mercy I am so grossed out by those toe-claws I want to throw up. I seriously hope those are not your BIL's real feet. Yuck.

    I have never been a gold digger or dated someone for their money, but any of those little "quirks" of his, would have sent me running as far and as fast as I could go.

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  5. The last gag made the whole thing worthwhile!

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  6. When I started reading this post I thought I could handle whatever you threw at us lol... but whoa! Some of this stuff is pretty crazy and I would never have thought of it. The only thing that seems realistic is him wanting his glass handed to him... everything else just doesn't seem possible lol. Gross!

    By the way, you're very classy with your suit, cigar, gold watch and ring etc. ;-)

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  7. Did not see that onesie coming. lol. I envy that man being able to eat Taco Bell whenever he wants and NOT have to deal with the toilet aftermath. lol.

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  8. I can hold my taco bell, unlike millionaires! That is the power of a redneck!

    I want one of those designer onesies!

    This post is an instant classic! Loved it!

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  9. Hhaha perhaps he doesn't need a girlfriend? Perhaps just a maid?

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  10. WHEW, Taco Hell is a better cleansing than the prep for a colonoscopy, so any chick willing to deal with that on a daily basis deserves his millions and his grungy toenails.

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  11. Why do you want to go and make fun of the Job Creating class like that?

    Do you hate America?

    Go read Ayn Rand, my friend. Money = superiority (I might be paraphrasing there...)!

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  12. Adult, designer onesies? This has fundamentally altered my perception of the world. Their very existence is starting to inspire me. I've always lacked the motivation, intelligence, and business acumen to become a millionaire, but now that I've learned of these onesies, hell, I'm gonna give it a try. I'll become rich, buy all the adult onesies in the world, and fire them into the fucking sun!

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  13. I didn't know millionaires ate at taco bells. I didn't know all my worthless high school classmates where rubbing elbows with the rich.

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  14. @Gia - to him, those two are pretty interchangeable. If they offered a prostitute maid service, I bet he'd shit his pants (2 parts happiness, 1 part Taco Bell, of course).

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  15. I'm sure I have missed this someplace but how is your brother in law dating? Or is he not dating and this is just an elaborate joke about the things your sister does to take care of him. Or do you expand the definition of brother in law to your siblings husbands brother. I could research all of this but I am lazy, and not wealthy.

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  16. Please tell me that foot picture was found on Google images... please tell me that!!!

    Well done, way to hammer home that money can't buy happiness. Really gonna marry for love now! :)

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  17. I wouldn't touch those toenails with a clipper attached to a ten-foot pole. o_O

    -Barb the French Bean

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  18. Wow! That is crazy. I'm sure he'll find someone desperate enough or maybe he'll get interested in food and toilets and showers. Good luck.

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  19. Ah, no, it looks like someone dunked their foot into a fryolator.

    Anyway, my girlfriend's brother lived in the basement of their parents house and he would pee in a bucket and bring it upstairs when it was full. The basement smells like a Lady GaGa concert.

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  20. I think that toe picture has scarred me in irreparable ways.

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  21. Um... Maybe, he should patent that bathroom thing...

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  22. The first comment was so full of crazy I thought it was a joke account you started yourselves.

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  23. I would imagine there are women out there that have to do all this crap for a poor guy. How sad... FUNNY SH*T! :)

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  24. Oh dear. I am ever so grateful for my near poverty sticken husband who is lovely and cuts his own talons and even bathes himself. I need to call him and tell him how grateful I am that he's broke.

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  25. Brandon is such a Ho.

    I heart me some Taco Bell but...those toes are a deal killer. Oh yeah, and I'm already married. I thought I was already dealing with gross mantoes but this has made me see the light.ha

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  26. I will only marry for love once in this lifetime.

    Here is what I do not understand, if dude is flush with that cash, why is he not paying "people" to take on these nasty tasks?

    For a millionaire, I could put out like a champ (after a sexy shower for two) and hire some other sucker to do the real dirty work. Money buys everything and nearly everyone, a wise woman knows how to spend it.

    So....you got his number?

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  27. Ugh, I think I'll skip breakfast now. I can only imagine how much fun he is (psych) in person.

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  28. On all that is holy, please promise to never, ever, ever, post a picture of that wretched foot again. Ever. I almost just lost my lunch. Ugh!

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  29. LOL the zombie foot is now at your place hahaha too funny. And for a million bucks the cat would give many things a go. But not in chair well one let things flow..haha

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  30. I thought only gambling addicts refused to actually go to the restroom when they had to "go." That's why they wear black jeans or sweats at the blackjack table.

    Jay

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  31. Awesome post as always! but why doesn't he just get a maid for all those things and juggle 10-12 hot girls? Sounds like he doesn't have his prioraties straight!

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  32. Thank your bro-in-law for making even me look good.

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  33. Ewwwww......I'm not sure there's enough money in the world to get any woman to do all that!

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  34. @Josh Dennis
    Pretty cute of you to come to a different blog and leave a one liner comment - calling out of the readers of the blog and labeling it as "crazy".

    Just in case, about the crazy comment:
    I meant to say that his post about his bro-in-law would result in him getting kicked out from his bedroom and he may need to sleep on the couch. He does post about his bro-in-law often.

    And "rich people thing" slang isnt that common?
    I hate golf and I dont agree or accept golf as a sport but would often get "rich people thing" as reply or response all the time. Not just golf but auction, designer labels, antiques and all such.

    The woman would have signed a smart prenuptial with premeditated plan to break off the wedding to make sure that she doesnt go home empty handed.

    And if alternate plan includes dating or courting PA or one of the manfridays and sleeping with the pool man, not every woman would like to marry a sugar daddy to play her nanny role.

    still crazy? well, I would like to say ts;cr, but... I rather not :)

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  35. The price would have to be right ... so I could hire somebody to do those things.

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  36. Holy freaking CRAP!!!

    I...I...

    Wow. That's all I can say right now. Just...wow.

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  37. What I don't understand is how in the heck is that yummy man still single???

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  38. The last picture of Brandon...er Brandy at the end was the best.

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  39. I am speechless even though I knew where this was going. Thanks for pimping me and putting me in it...and for making sure I said NO! I cringed through the whole damn post. Hilarious but so disturbing. I'd rather sew up my lady bits and join a convent than ever EVER hook up with a guy like that. I'm sure this is going to be another of your cult classic posts. This was great...and not just because I'm in it.

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  40. Wait a second, you can't gloss over that he wears an adult diaper. Wouldn't a colostomy bag and a catheter be the "faster" solution?
    With all the "quirks" your brother-in-law has, can you imagine the sheer volume of crazy Hefner has cultivated over the years? It makes me almost feel sortof bad for the golddiggers.

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  41. You lost me at Taco Bell. Anyone who could eat that is bound to have a life filled with indigestion. LOL

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  42. Lol. Reminded me of 'Fifty shades of Grey'. Anyway. When he is ready to settle, he may adjust some of his demands. He may...

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  43. I can only imagine that he has a solid gold bedpan for all that Taco Bell action? And I assume his girlfriend will have to place it for him so he can keep on with his important business?

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  44. PFFFT HAH! I often wonder about people like this, those who can't really take care of themselves hygiene-wise (I myself being an absolute freak for cleanliness and gettin' the chores done on a daily basis) and what they do to get by.

    That a self-made millionaire can be like that kinda gives me a comforting feeling, strangely enough. Like, I may be dirt poor but at least I'm not dirt-y, y'know?

    Get it? Dirt poor? Dirt-y?

    Awww fuck you, that's funny.

    Anyway, at least he's an interestin' character, y'know? Better to be eccentric and rich enough to enjoy it than crazy and broke. :3

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  45. Going for the classic Japanese schoolgirl eh? I'm sure some millionaire out there will take him. :P

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  46. LOL! Well I wouldn't be willing to do all those things for him ... but I would be willing to hire a nanny to do them instead.

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  47. Damn, I threw up in my mouth. The description of your brother in law and picture of the toenails just put me in a state of depression.

    I believe your brother in law enjoys the single life...no need to get him a...a...I'll stop there.

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  48. Does he have a concussion? I'm looking for somebody rich and with a concussion. Their aren't as many concussion men out there as you would think.

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  49. So, in my little corner of the world, we do the "Sugar" thing. You'd be shocked how many 'millionaires' (both the ones with money, and the ones who just lie) have up pictures of themselves in their $12,000 suits, on yachts, an whathaveyou, but in all actuality are like your brother-in-law. Luckily, I've alvoided them, because I've learned YOUNG wealthy guys are to be avoided. But give him 15 years, he'll suddenly realize he's gross, and become a guy who cares for himself a little more.

    Jen

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  50. LOL. Does the brother in law read this?

    I thought my toenails were ugly, but the picture in this post is waaaaay worse.

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  51. Which one of you had tramp neighbor? Bryan, right? Introduce her to Gil!

    Also we are F-ing FIGHTING right now boys.

    There I was enjoying my evening. I snuggled in with my BeerontheCouch to read BeerintheShower.

    And you just had to do it. THOSE FINGERNAILS make me want to pull my eyeballs out.

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  52. Hahaha really entertaining story, sounds like he let the money get the best of him

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  53. Y'kno, it's not that bad. A little annoying, gone would be the thought of children, but if your brother in law were a SISTER? Well, game on.

    He should feel bad that because of his genitals he can't have me. It really is a shame.

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  54. I would much rather be a millionaire than date a millionaire, esp. when that millionaire eats fast food. I've been around people that eat Taco Bell, and when they sweat, you'll punch yourself in the nose to avoid that smell.

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  55. I'd rather be forever alone!

    *cries*

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  56. The foot pic made me a little sick.
    I don't think I've met a rich person who wasn't a little bit of a social eccentric - guess it comes with the territory

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  57. WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE FEET!? GROSS!!

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  58. So how did I manage to get a house full of males to look after and I am still poor? I seem to pick and carry and make certain they smell nice and we wont even talk about toe nails.

    Thanks for the smile guys. Late as usual for the party but at least I dont get lost in the crowd :)

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  59. Dont date Brandy!!!
    Shes a whore!!!!


    Sincerely,
    An entire rich peoples baseball team!

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  60. Not that she would be much of a catch, but I know there are women out there that would put up with anything to get to marry into money.

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  61. Hammer toes! The first time I heard of those was a long time ago when I was watching Boomerang.

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  62. I LOVE those pictures! Funny story, actually the same thing always happened to my father.

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  63. Oh my... Please tell me those toes aren't really his.

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  64. YOW! Makes my drunk, drug-riddled family look GREAT!

    Yeesh!

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