Monday, June 18, 2012

Brace Yourselves, Summer is Coming

          For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, we've spent the past few months complaining it's too damn cold, and now we can spend the next few months complaining that it's too damn hot. After all, summer is here and it's in full swing, especially in Colorado.
          Now here's the thing about Colorado. People seem to think that snow hits us like the Antarctic, that we all have to hike up snow-capped mountains in our parkas just to make it to the grocery store, and that we all ski or snowshoe to work. But that couldn't be any more incorrect. In winter, it only snows a handful of times, and the cold is fairly mild. In summer, it can get up to 100 degrees Fahrenheit and higher. In fact, as I type this, it's 98, the AC is maxed, and I'm trying not to spontaneously combust.



Poor Ned Stark probably shouldn't have been wearing all those thick wolf pelts in 100 degree heat, but then again, spontaneous combustion is a better death than public beheading, amirite?
          So summer is our chance to get out and enjoy the sun after 6 months of sitting inside doing this.



The Blue Footed Booby. What did you think I was talking about?
          So now that it's nice out, what fun summertime activities do you have to choose from? Well, frankly, not a lot, because most of the activities labeled as "pure summertime fun" really aren't all that fun.

The Public Pool

What's even more fun than splashing off in cool, refreshing water when it's hot out? How about soaking in the urine of 100 noisy children?


So maybe you don't want to take a salty pee-bath. You can at least sunbathe and ogle the lovely young ladies/men frolicking around in their tiny bathing suits, right?

WRONG. Because they all look like this.


Oh, and let's not forget that suntanning is a terrible idea, unless you want to look like an old leather purse that has skin cancer.


So unless you like looking at obese girls wearing bikinis they clearly shouldn't be, swimming in pee, or getting skin cancer, the pool isn't probably your ideal summer hotspot.

Amusement Parks:

If you feel like plopping down $50 per ticket, you can always go to the amusement park and engage in the nonstop, fun-tastic thrill ride that is... waiting in line. Sure, everyone looks so happy in those amusement park commercials, like they're smiling so hard their head is going to explode, but how much fun can you have waiting 45 minutes to ride something that's over in 45 seconds?


Oh, and don't forget, while you're waiting in line to get a 45 second plunge down a metal box car, you're also waiting for a lifetime of skin cancer.

Camping

Living in Colorado, we're lucky to have the mountains. It means that at the drop of a hat, we can leave the burdens of the real world behind, shuck off our electronic leashes, and go camping off-the-grid. But is it really all it's cracked up to be?




The scientific term is "Snakedick."





So maybe camping isn't the best idea for a fun summertime activity.

Movies

We all know what summer means for us filmgoers: a blockbuster barrage of epic spectacle and explosive (yet meaningful) proportion. Ahem...









So maybe seeing a movie isn't ideal either, though I've heard Jenga: The Movie has a lot of great action sequences (spoiler alert: the blocks all fall over but everyone's still smiling really hard).

In conclusion, summer is a tricky time to find fun things to do. But hey, even if the season is a wretched time full of deadly animals, scalding heat, noisy children, urine, bad movies, and skin cancer, at least you've got other activities to fall back on... right?



Al Gore approves!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: Breckenridge Vanilla Porter
Music: Alexisonfire

70 comments:

  1. I ignore any fire bans... blazing up a big bonfire any time I want!

    I just went to an amusement park over the weekend. The place is so lame you don't even have to wait in line! Admission was free, paid for by my wife's company, but what we didn't pay in admissions, we made up for at the concessions!

    "Get your $10 paper thin elephant ears here! Wash it down with a baby sized Coke for only $6.75!"

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  2. Tourism department of any state would not be happy to see your post. I should say I was inspired to do all this bathing-in-pee, getting bit by snake, battleship and much more suicide attempts.
    Now I feel like having read an article about why biggest losers are safe because of doctor and indoor ranch and trainer whereas if we get out of couch ourselves and try exercising we may die, I am totally uninspired.
    Barbecue - is it safe? Or should I just order Pizza from that internet?

    Is this the reverse advertising Katy suggested you guys?

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  3. May I make a suggestion? Battleship and Jenga movies are sooooo few weeks ago. Just saw Monopoly the movie, spot on acting and terrific story! lol.

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  4. This peeing in the pool thing keeps coming up. I read that one in five adults pee in the pool which is just gross lol. Still, I love water parks and would happily endure the yellow water for a chance to go to one again. Enjoy your summer - it's obviously going to be grand ;-)

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  5. Hah! Love the GoT reference. I checked out the community pool in my town because its hooooot and I like swimming. But there were about a billion kids there so I could only imagine how much pee there was in the pool. Ick. Pass.

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  6. Mostly during the summer I just hide out in my house until the sunshine goes away. Except for the one week a year I go on holiday in which case I hide out in my caravan until the sun shine goes away. The only thing close to an amusement park I go to is actually pretty good. It's never totally busy and you don't wait in line all that much.

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  7. "How much fun can you have waiting 45 minutes to ride something that's over in 45 seconds?" Isn't that the story of every straight woman's sex life since time immemorial?

    Bada boom, bada bing!

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  8. At least when the A Beer for the Shower motion picture comes out in theaters during the summer of 2014, I'll have something decent to go and see.

    You can get Michael Bay to direct. Linkin Park or Nicki Minaj can do the hit soundtrack...

    Bryan and Brandon will be played by... Seth Rogan and Lil Wayne.

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  9. Loved the Ned Stark reference! :D

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  10. HAHA! I loved this. My fave was the public pool picture and quotes in the pool lol. Reminded me of a pool scene i saw in the film 'take this waltz'. Very funny. Good luck with Summer, it's started to get freezing cold here in Melbourne. :'(

    - Juliet x

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  11. Summer is a time to hide from children, sweat in a suit at someone's way-too-long wedding till I can get to the open bar, sweat needlessly some more, pick up the slack of vacationing coworkers, find sand in creative places, and quadruple the electric bill because of a/c usage. Summer is overrated. Fall and Spring are the shit.

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  12. Jenga the movie sounds great, but I'm waiting for the new Sherlock Holmes/board game tie in;

    Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Snakes And Ladders

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  13. LOL yeah bathing in pee is not for me. Camping is completely stupid to me as well, a cabin maybe, sleeping on the ground umm no. Suffering in heat with no a/c is a pain in the ass, people think we have igloos here and that is it too.

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  14. I like all those things... Maybe I should re-evaluate my life.

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  15. Can you really make smores with your asscrack heat? That takes serious talent!!! Oh and that she/man's cleavage really ROCKS in that corset!!!

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  16. Ha Ha! You summed up summer pretty well!

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  17. Giant ridiculous blockbuster movies and soaking my huge body in a urine filled tub of water with screaming children splashing all around me is the most joyous of happenings. Like last Saturday. I got a sunburn (even with my spf 50)while soaking in urine and then I went to a double feature at the theater (it only cost like a shitton to watch 2 movies in one day-bargain).

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  18. My sister lives in Colorado and LOVES it. She skiis in the winter and hikes all year round. The temps fluctuate quickly. She bikes and does all kinds of things. The only thing that bugs her is all the traffic around the Denver area.

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  19. OMG, you make me wish it were Winter again. My laughing has subsided now. I agree with you on most points.

    1) Peeing in the pool: I've not entered a public pool in yrs & I hate kids.
    2) Suntanning: we have a ski boat so need I say more? As a SoCal native, it was over for me years ago.
    3) Movies: my husband and I ALWAYS argue about what to see...even ordering Netflix! I yell at people in the theatre if they talk or use their cells during a movie. I never know what is going on in the movie because of that.
    4) Camping: No thanks. We live in the White Mtn National Forest area. I can just walk out the door, take a hike, and sleep in my own bed.
    5) Amusement Parks: the only one I EVER liked was Disneyland. We went every year with my dad.
    My husband had to take our sons to all others. I hate standing in line and I hate kids.

    Haven't worn a bikini in years. Too much pride and good taste. That's why I read your blog.

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  20. My local public pool isnt' bad. You have to pay a little to get in, and it's indoors. If you on a weekday during schooltime, it's really just you and 3 other people at most

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  21. The internet is really, really great .. for porn!

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  22. I barely like public pools even when I was a kid. And, man, I have to go camping this summer. At least I convinced them that we should rent a cabin.
    And, hey! I want see Spider-Man. But only because it is Spider-Man. I'm pretty pissed about Sony re-booting it already. Totally stupid move on their part.

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  23. I like to let my hair down and play Jenga on the weekends. Glad they finally decided to make a movie of it. Is it true that Michael Bay stacked blocks of dynamite instead of wood to really drive the plot home?

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  24. Dang! Your heat is as bad as our heat. People have misconceptions of Chicago weather, too.

    Public pools are so gross, especially if a pube hair gets in your mouth.

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  25. I would like to start out by saying...I am still in mourning for Ned Stark.

    And I am going to wear my damn bikini until I am like 80, swim in the yellow water of my neighborhood pool, and slather on my sunscreen (spf 4) as much as possible. 'Cause I'm a rebel. And I live in Houston where summer last 11 months a year. I really have no choice.

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  26. Since it is almost 120 degrees and a dry heat here, I pretty much don't go outside until November. If I have to go out, it is usually dark and about 100 degrees.

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  27. Oh, you BAD, BAD BEER BOYS ~
    You fired off a solar flare of truthful proportions! I don't often use this overused, smutty word but... SUMMER "SUCKS"!

    [Your blog bit was right on. Except I think you should have included a submerged Rodney King in the pool o' piss. Not because I'm racist - I'M NOT! - but just because it would have been topical and... funny!... in an outrageous 'Beer Boys' sorta way.]

    But then again, I live in Phoenix (a.k.a. "Hell"), Airheadzona, so you REALLY don't want to get ME talking about Summer. I mean, seriously, who hates Summer more than a Phoenician does?

    But it wasn't always this way. I grew up in Santa Monica, California, in the 1970s when life was good and (to quote The Beach Boys) "the beach was the place to be." Cute girls, body-surfing, Steely Dan and Stevie Wonder on the radio. (Funky, early Stevie Wonder; not sappy, later Stevie Wonder.)

    Anyway, Breckenridge Vanilla Porter was a nice choice, Boys.

    And speaking of beer, it's now 10:30 AM here in Hell, Airheadzona, and I am only 15 minutes away from getting in my (non-air-conditioned) truck and driving as fast as I can to Total Wines And More to pick up some 'BIG SKY IPA', Prescott Brewing Company's 'PONDEROSA IPA', and Deschutes' 'INVERSION IPA'. After all, it's going to be three-digit temperatures here "all day and all of the night" for the next 4 months... and "a man's gotta do SOMETHING to keep cool".

    [Then I'm gonna come home, get out a bottle opener to make that "Cheeet!" sound, and write a blog bit about all the great books in my bookcase that I'm too drunk to read. Hope to see ya there.]

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  28. I do overtime just so I have more time to make love to the air conditioning unit at work, I hate summer and wish for the darkness of winter!

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  29. Just reading this made me start sweating. Okay, I always sweat when I read your posts.

    Jay

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  30. I remember when summer in Colorado included rain every afternoon, not 56,000 acre fires! And camping without a fire is boring, you have to drink so much more beer to make up for the lack of fire...

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  31. The Human Jenga movie is horrifying!! Ive seen it.... think human centipede but start stacking people!!! Its a nightmare!!!

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  32. Jenga the Movie sounds awesome. I'd watch that. And isn't ass-crack heat the best way to cook most things outdoors?

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  33. My imagination goes into hibernation in the summer heat. It's like a bear, but the short bus kind. It does things in reverse, and not very well. The point is, you just wrote about my summer plans. It's all I could think to do, and now I don't want to do any of them.

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  34. Silly. Summer is when you go to a secluded beach with a cold beer in hand, or to the rainforest, the part that has no trail. But then I do that the rest of the year too.

    I guess I'm glad I'm not living in Colorado.

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  35. Yeah, here in Utah, we just call Summer the "Hotter than Hell" season. We have all four seasons here, actually. Almost Winter, Winter, Hotter Than Hell, and Construction.

    I hate camping. Why would you want to go off into the forest and get eaten by bears and snakes while enjoying all the discomfort that comes from having no access to indoor plumbing? No thank you!!!

    Also, I'm not a fan of hot temperatures. I become a VERY unpleasant person when forced to spend time in weather over 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Yeah, I'm a wimp.

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  36. I'd like a breck porter right about now...

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  37. Ah come on...summer in Colorado...Get 'yer ass up the pass' to Fairplay for the annual pack burro rack on over to Leadville. Or go up to Breckenridge for the annual 'No Man's Land' Days celebration (the day they celebrate their non-inclusion in the USofA by some dumb surveyor). AND do not forget the big Heeny Tick Festival up in Heeny on Green Mountain Reservoir. Finally you have the Summer Solstice just around the corner. Surely you can find some Druid Princess to hike up to one of the infamous 'hot springs' and take your clothes off. PLEASE do not tell me these things no longer exist in CO.

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  38. Note to self: Skip colorado for summer fun...

    You guys need a beach, mang...

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  39. Giardia? Isn't that the really annoying chick that used to be a judge on American Idol?

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  40. I wondered if the NJ tanning mom had a husband - now I know she not only has a hubby but what he looks like too! Awesome!! You guys keep me in the know, thank you!

    Um, yeah, could you take down my bikini picture? I thought we talked about that? LOL

    I have friends in Denver and didn't believe them when they said it hardly ever snowed and even when it did, it melted right away...but, they swear on it!

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  41. HAHAHAHAHAH! That's all I can write as I've had five shots of tequila. Sooooooo needed a laugh tonight.

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  42. I'll never complain that it's too hot, ever!! Unless it's humid, then I'm not a happy camper. Dry heat is my friend :)

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  43. Here in the good ole Midwest, people have been complaining about the heat for the past 3 months. I don't mind it. In fact, I love the heat. I've barely used the brand new central air I installed a month ago. Right now the temp in the house is 82. Nice.

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  44. You mean you're opposed to a urine slick?

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  45. Dang it...you're messing with my fantasies! I live in the Detroit area, and Colorado is in my top ten places I'd like to move to when I escape Michigan. It's supposed to be really cool and exciting there all year long!!

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  46. Al Gore does approve.

    LOL you can always write. I try to do that.
    Or bring out that Monopoly set.

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  47. GRRR. I'm stuck in India. In summer. It's like 45988 degrees Celsius here. I dont know how much that is in Farenheit but it's a lot. Dont you dare moan about summer sonny, not till you live in this weather all year round!

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  48. Philippines highest temperature during summer is
    45 degree celcius..Compared to other country it is very low but for us its very hot.
    Conveyancing Melbourne

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  49. Love the name of your blog...I would love a glass of wine in the shower!!!

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  50. Thank you, you totally made me laugh with the animal stuff! Did you see the stories about the necrophiliac penguins? Not making this up.

    Movies have been decent (Avengers, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) but for all of the other reasons you listed, I don't like summer.

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  51. I love Denver in the summer. I think the only thing I still miss about my ex is Denver (where he lives). I just bought some Breckinridge Vanilla Porter on Sunday...good stuff. :)

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  52. Swimming in a public pool can only be enjoyed once you become a parent and appreciate the distraction for the kids more than you are concerned about the urine content of the water. Oh, and don't forget the snot content.

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  53. I can't relate, I'm loving the heat, the 100 degrees. I love summer and everything that comes with it. Yea I'm that one. SO while all the fat red necks in our state are complaining and drowning in the lakes, I be kicking it in the woods with a lawn chair!

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  54. "What are you going to do in the summer?"

    "Sweat a lot"

    Have a great time fellas, hope the other projects are coming

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  55. Freaking awesome! What about playing in the park? I hear that's popular in Colorado in the summer time. You know, if you can avoid stepping in all the dog sh*t and on the other ten billion people who thought that the park was a good idea

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  56. And then there is the water park: the ugly troll child of the public pool and the amusement park where you get the joy of waiting in long-ass lines for the privilege of a thirty second ride down a water tube to be dumped into a pool of pee.

    (Bitchiest long, single sentence comment ever.)

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  57. lol. especially at Katsidhe's comment.

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  58. Love how people have expectations of where you live. I live in Texas and I swear I've had people ask how many pairs of cowboy boots I own and if I ride my own horse to work. Sometimes I wish I did own my own horse and could gallop past the bottle neck traffic on the highway during my commute.

    I would definitely stay away from public pools this summer (and all year round). I suggest you splurge on some good sun block and give the outdoors enough of a try so you don't regret NOT enjoying the sun when you had it during the cold months.

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  59. Can't wait for brews on the beach! Im glad Al Gore approves!

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  60. Haha, good thing I'm in Southern California.

    Not as much camping but the beach is nice and most of the girls in bikini don't look like the cartoon.

    Looking forward to a great summer.

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  61. You live in Colorado and complain about pee in the public pools, the guys from south park live in Colorado and complain about pee in the pools... so is peeing in the pools your states favourite pass time? WTF!

    Thanks for the Michael Bay advice!

    And I can't wait for the Jenga movie to be made into a trilogy! (but then again with Battleship and Jumanji its kind of a trilogy already...)

    The site addresses you quote in your cartoon don't work, I'm sad. I wanted to see more blue boobies...

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  62. Jenga: The Movie. Now that is something I would go see.

    Although, I must admit that I am currently writing a screenplay based on an old Nintendo game...

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  63. Wish I were in Colorado for there's no such thing as too hot in my book... The old leather purse look is said to be the new sexy. Didn't you know? Don't even mention remakes of remade reboots....

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  64. Summer is my favourite! And swimming pools were, but now I think I'll tend towards the beach from now on..

    ps, a box of hate mail from ex-girlfriends? Ouch.

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  65. True story, I've been living in Colorado for whole my life and it's always the same story)

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  66. It looks like we're on the same page. I have been complaining about the 100+ temps here in Kansas all week and will continue to do so until the temperatures break. Screw you summer!!

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  67. We just love to complain. Personally I love summer. I want to do nothing but be outside soaking up the rays. And I adore camping. Maybe I just need to move out there.

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  68. I know this sounds odd, but I actually like doing summer things in winter. Because summer here is so hot (like upto 50 degrees Celsius), that even 2 minutes outside will give you skin cancer.

    So I usually go swimming in winter (and no peeing kids around!)

    And it's nice to know that everyone gets bored of the summer like I do.

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