Thursday, May 10, 2012

Trading Spaces and Humping Faces

Bryan's been in Las Vegas for the past week, for reasons he claims to be "family related." In my opinion, he's probably just been out micro-managing his stable of third-rate, drag queen prostitutes, but hey, real friends don't judge, right? So, like a real friend, I've been house sitting for him in his absence. And let me tell you, it's been exhausting. For starters, his list was ridiculously vague...


As I worried and pondered the meaning of Bryan's mystical instructions, I drank a beer or three from his fridge. And just when I began to lose hope, a miracle happened. My fairy godmother appeared out of Bryan's living room closet to offer some advice.









Thirty-five very pantsless minutes later...







Four very uncomfortable minutes later...





Unfortunately, I chased the cat right under the tires of a Buick doing about forty five. I guess, in the mafia sense I "took care of Fluffy" after all. However, it attracted the attention of Bryan's OTHER neighbor...







It may have cost me my pride, many ounces of bodily fluid, and some future legal fees, but I'm proud to say that, eventually, everything on the list got "taken care of."

Cheers,

-Brandon

Beer: Leffe Brown (cradled oh so gingerly against my sore giblets)
Music: Hurt (on the inside and out)

62 comments:

  1. I wonder if humping things into submission would work for studying....

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  2. 4 minutes? Sounds like an exaggeration, I didn't now a cactus has that much stamina?

    It also reminds me of the time my fat cat fell on the cactus while trying to get to my hamster...

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  3. That cat is going to come back to haunt you.

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  4. You have to trim the cactus first.....it helps but not a lot!

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  5. The only way out for you now is to burn the place down, make it look like an electrical fire and throw the cats dead body into the flames. Unless of course you want Bryan to show you the business end of that cactus.

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  6. hahhaah "Take care of' is far too vague. Your brother should be happy with what he gets.

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  7. What are best friends for, right? I think you did an outstanding job and he will be more than happy upon his return home...if he makes back after his "family related" trip. *eye roll* LOL

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  8. Maybe its just me, but there were a whole lot of penile shaped objects in this one. lol.

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  9. I've always found cacti to be sensitive, gentle lovers. Then again, I tend to use velcro as a condom.

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  10. I agree with Anne. Burn the place down, only way not to get caught. And how dare you not take care of the poor kitty, the right way..hahaha

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  11. You sure 'took care' of stuff... Ha ha

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  12. Your fairy godmother, is she post-op or pre-op?
    I can give you a house and you can turn it to a beautiful home. Oops, sorry the other way.
    You made an offer to Fluffy and she cant refused now she has to sleep with the dust bunnies under the car.
    You did take care of everything Brandon. We are proud of you.

    This is impressive thing to share in your housesitting resume, I would gladly recommend you to housesit my neighbour, manager from prev job and all such.

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  13. Good thing he didn't say, Take care of my wife. Or bad thing?

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  14. It could have been much worse. Without your fairy godmother, the list wouldn't have gotten done, then Bryan would have been mad. Once you tell him about all of this, it'll become one of those things you never speak of again! Win-win!

    Sorry about your giblets.

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  15. I'm going to think long and hard before agreeing to house sit for anyone again if that is the way lists should be handled! *cringes at the thought of that one friend with gerbils*

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  16. You are truly a good friend. Also, it is a good thing his list was short.

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  17. House sitting sounds easy and kind of an honor that they trust you. To avoid such situations I make it widely known that if you entrust me with your place, I'm going on an Indiana Jones-like quest for your homemade porn. And of course all liquor is forfeit. Hopefully you used their house for the tryst with the neighbor and the cactus or whatever foliage you can fornicate with. That'll teach 'em to never ask for a favor ever again.

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  18. Well most problems in life CAN be solved by humping them into submission. It sounded like the correct approach to take with the neighbour at least.

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  19. Oh the joys of looking after other's people homes......

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  20. I am just now noticing your fairy godmother's wand. definitely post-op. Oh lord...You are you are Dr.Evil.

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  21. It was refreshing to read this modern take of a fairy tale/Hero's journey/premise for a porno. After all that you withstood, you deserve the keys to your own bar, you mildly-ethnic-looking warrior!

    -Barb the French Bean

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  22. This is truly good advice. From now onward, this is how I am going to deal with all my problems.

    A paper due? Humping! Scary clowns? Humping! Neighbour keeps stealing my parking space? Humping!

    The possibilities are endless.

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  23. I have a feeling that might go over so well with my work with middle school students...but whatever, fairy god mothers words are law.

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  24. Good thing Bryan kept the to-do list rather short. Maybe you should put a lock on that closet door and keep the fairy god-thingy locked away. At least there he left some beer in the fridge for you!

    I think you could use a long shower...you know, to wash away the shame and regret!

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  25. Loved this post! You guys are so style - don't know where you come up with all this craziness - but it's great to read. But the cactus part... ouch.

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  26. A job well done!!! Way "to take care of" things while Bryan is in Sin City.

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  27. Mental note- Never let you house sit without covering everything in plastic first!

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  28. Good thing he left you such a short list. I had to house sit for a neighbor who had 4 cats and a dog, and I thought the pool was hard enough as is.

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  29. I'm sad for Fluffy. I think he would have been better off if you'd caught him.

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  30. You are a twisted soul. I have real concern for your sanity.

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  31. Oh my god what is it with the bestiality posts today? The first blog I read this morning was about how a blogger had to massage her cat's penis to lodge out the urine crystals stuck in his urethra. Now this... well I guess there wasn't really bestiality, but there was cactiphile going on here.

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  32. I am disturbed by this on so many different levels...and yet I laughed hysterically through it all.

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  33. Oh wow, I bet yer venereal diseases are now at war with the STD's you caught from the promiscuous neighbor.

    And thankfully her husband and daughter didn't join in, jesus christ that would've been disgusting. All that flab and hair and underaged everywhere...

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  34. It must be the sin city season as my little sis is over their for a few weeks...
    But luckily no list for me...unless it got lost somewhere leaving the possibility of her returning to half starved tortoises

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  35. What a good house-sitter you are....

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  36. I like the "tags" for this post and the "sweat" on Brandon's face and neck making him look like a vaguely ethnic meth-head. Give me more about Bryan's neighbors. I've been meaning to write my own neighbor post because sans slutty whore neighbor and prostituted 12 year old short shorts daughter, I have some f-ing interesting neighbors.

    Speaking of humping faces, would you like to "take care of" all these finals I have to grade?

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  37. So, it took me until the fourth fairy godmother appearance to notice the "wand" but when I finally did, it made me happy. Very happy.

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  38. Good God! I don't think my life was quite that exciting when I was single. No cats were harmed anyhow. Did you really get together with....never mind ;)

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  39. Above and beyond the call of duty Brandon - One thing Bryan forgot to put on the list was take care of my beer – yet you rose to the challenge like paedophile in a playground or should that be an alcoholic in a distillery (always get those to made up metaphors horribly wrong – one thing you have to say about alcoholics, they have a sense of humour which seems to be lacking in the parents of young children ) Well done for taking 4 or 5 for the team....

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  40. I know it's wrong that I found myself turned on by this. I need professional help. Contact Fritz Perls on the Ouija. It's been one year on sexual abstinence. Look, if you need help with the cactus, call me.

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  41. I enjoy the Easter egg - the cactus looks like a dildo.

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  42. The fairygodmother, made me gag on my coffee. the chick with tits, made me spill my coffee all over my brand new white t-shirt. the cactus pushed me over the edge. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

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  43. No one ever asks me to house sit. Based on your experiences, I consider this nothing short of an accomplishment.

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  44. HA. I'm supposed to be housesitting for a friend right now (for a month!) and the list she left me is very similar to this one (minus the cat, but add in a fish). What is with these demanding people? Sheesh. So far (after two weeks), I haven't checked her mail yet, I've only killed one plant (out of five), her fish is happy, I haven't had to sleep with any of her neighbors, and I moved a bunch of frozen pizzas to her freezer. I think I'm having an easier time with housesitting than you.

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  45. You're a very reliable guy who does what it takes to fulfill your promises. You are an inspiration to others.

    Jay

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  46. Lololol. I was pleased with how it started but then, oh the cactus. Oh the neighbor I don't even know but hate. Oh, oh yes.

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  47. You would do well taking care of small children.

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  48. seriously, never house sitting for me. (but you can come visit one day)

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  49. I want whatever your Fairy Godmother's been smoking.

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  50. Hey guys! It's been a while since I came back but I am very happy that you guys are still making these hilarious entries. Can't wait to go back and read the others I missed!

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  51. Incidents like this are some of the reasons my friends never give me keys to their homes anymore.

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  52. I appreciate the Dodgeball allusion. Also, I did not anticipate the tbwob line coming.

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  53. Wait, what was YOUR fairy godmother doing in BRYAN'S closet?

    "Cockus". Well played, sir.

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  54. I do love the labels that you've assigned to this post. I suddenly want to Google "cactus sex" to see what else comes up...

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