Monday, May 14, 2012

My Wife Got Drugged by the Gays

          While Brandon housesat for me and apparently got raped by a giant cactus, I spent the past week in Vegas. I assume you're picturing that I spent my week doing this.


          Wrong. What I was really doing was this...


          I was visiting my in-laws in the 90 degree desert heat and having my wife do all of her doctor checkups, which are only covered in Vegas (God bless shitty healthcare).
          Perhaps the only fun thing we did was go out to the clubs with my wife's brother and her brother's boyfriend. That meant hitting up the gay clubs, which aren't bad if you don't mind getting hit on by drag queens.


          Yes, that's right, I've been asked what degree of straight I am. And the answer to that is if even 5% of you wants to bang another dude, you're no longer in the realm of straight.
          Anyway, I quickly got tired of the gay nightlife, so I opted to stay home. And go figure, on the one night I didn't go... my wife got drugged. By gay guys. Now who wants to drug a straight woman at a gay bar? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that after her 4th shot--she didn't even have a drink to set down and be spiked, mind you--she lost all motor skills and could no longer stand up on her own or form words, something I've never seen happen to her even after 10 shots.
          Since I wasn't there, my brother-in-law was quick to assess the situation... poorly.




          Yeah, she's glossy eyed, can't stand on her own two feet, can't speak, and throwing up uncontrollably... let's just stand her up again and let her walk it off! Then we'll go get food! A greasy sandwich will make her regain the ability to stand up and walk (you listening to me, Stephen Hawking?)!
          ...That brilliant line of thinking led to her falling numerous times and scraping up both knees, spraining her ankle (which was covered in purple bruises), and oh yeah, this.
     

          So while I was expecting my wife to come home, my brother-in-law and his boyfriend brought home the victim of a 10 car pileup instead, whom they dropped off in the bathtub. They then proceeded to ask me what we were all supposed to do, and by 'we,' they meant 'me.' Because I'm a fucking doctor.




          Utterly useless and doing nothing more than panicking, I kicked them out of the bathroom and decided to take care of everything myself. The wife was an absolute mess (literally and figuratively) and was no closer to waking up, so over the next 2 hours I took her clothes off (no easy task on an unconscious body) and gave her a bath (also no easy task). Ever try wrestling a pair of pants off an unconscious person?

(The answer to that question better be "no", you sick bastards)









            Eventually (4 hours later) she regained enough motor skills for me to help her to the bed, and she slept for a good 3 hours until she had to wake up and pee. At that point, she was still heavily drugged because she got out of the bed, completely naked and muttering under her breath like a zombie, and took off trying to open every door in the house in an attempt to find a bathroom. She remembers none of this. I assured her, though, it was very hilarious... and I can assure YOU that there will not be any pictures of that one.
            3 more hours of sleep later, she was awake and feeling (mostly) okay. And I got to piece everything together for her, just like the Hangover... except, you know, instead of waking up on the rooftop of a hotel after a comedic night of partying she was just drugged by gay guys.
            Thankfully, as of now, she's back to 100% and all of the bruises/scrapes are healed. We'll probably never know who did it, or why, but so long as she's okay, that's all that matters. Now we can just return to life as usual.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: Canon Blue
Beer: Victoria



79 comments:

  1. Ha! Honestly your rendition is hilarious, but that's a bit scary! I'm glad she's okay.

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  2. That's a mystery worthy of Angela Lansbury. Or does she only do murders? Who even invented Roofies? That guy should be publicly executed. Do they have any practical application? Can we just arrest anyone manufacturing these things as an attempted rapist?
    Terrifying story. I'm convinced my hermit lifestyle is the only safe choice in a world gone mad.

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  3. Glad everything turned out OK in the end. Seems that her brother and his boyfriend were very irresponsible to let her get into that state in the first place.

    Look at me going into parent mode! I'd be a fantastic dad.

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  4. So cute, you are an awesome guy and she is lucky.
    "how do rapists do it" I am going to monitoring comments from your readers, see just for thesis on rapists. ;)
    BTb I am still trying to like you, mean in Facebook, you may have a clean state but I have many waiting to photoshop my boby or face on snooty, both the cases it is going to be an eyesore and gonna look too real ;)

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  5. Damn auto correct, body and snooki.

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  6. I'm glad she's alright now but to your question "Ever try wrestling a pair of pants off an unconscious person?"....yes! It was part of the job sometimes in hospitals....

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  7. That's scary. You mean I can be drugged at a gay bar now?!

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  8. I'd like to think it was by lesbians, or she just got the wrong drink by accident. I do find it odd that a straight woman was drugged by gay guys. Maybe they wanted to take their club back and that's why her brother wasn't so interested in helping her. It's a gay conspiracy.

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  9. Holy crap that's so scary! I'm glad she's ok!

    Also, Thorazine would probably have killed her. You don't want to slow down the cardiovascular and nervous system of someone that is almost already comatose.

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  10. Sometimes, I suppose a gay guy is sitting there with a whole lot of date rape drug and nowhere to put it and has no choice but to dump it in a straight woman's drink.

    That sounded worse than I meant it to,.

    I'm glad she's okay.

    Your brother-in-law and his friend look like a very nice couple.

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  11. You were able to take a scary story and make it funny. I would be looking to murder somebody if they did that to my wife!

    Glad you're not in jail and that your wife has recovered! Better stay away from those gay bars from now on!

    And no, undressing someone who is out of it is no easy task!

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  12. Oh wow! Such a funny post but also sounds pretty scary. Seems like unusual things often happen when her brother is around lol.

    Anyway, you've taken your first lesson in becoming a rapist. Congratulations. I'm sure next time will go smoother.

    But seriously, I'm happy to hear that she's doing ok now. (Bozo, had to change my name)

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  13. I guess she got handed the wrong drink. Still pretty bizarre though.

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  14. Actually, the answer to the pants question is...yes, yes I have, but I believe my circumstances are different than a rapists....

    Glad your wife is ok, that's a pretty scary thing to happen, and it's pretty freaky to witness too!

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  15. Many straight men go to gay bars hoping to pick up straight unsuspecting women. Don't blame the gay guys, even the ones that are only 5% gay....Hope your wife is feeling better.

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  16. Oh man that shit is scary. You must be pissed at your brother in law a little. Glad she is "okay" sort of. F-ing Vegas. Did she lose money or anything?

    Man if my brother didn't carry me home right away I'd be so pissed. And my brother would have done exactly the same thing. "walk it off" has been a little too ingrained in people, especially latinos like us.

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  17. I had this happen to me and it was down right terrifying. The guy thought I was there alone because my guy friend was in the back of the bar. I only had one drink and not even thirty minutes later I couldn't stand. It was horrible. By the time my friend figured out what was going on the guy sitting next to me at the bar was long gone.

    It taught me a valuable lesson - always hold your drink. I tell my kids that now. Of course they think I'm crazy because, well, they can't get into bars yet and I'm yelling - DON'T LEAVE YOUR DRINK UNATTENDED at them.

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  18. First of all, holy fucking shit, I would have killed my BIL for dragging my wife around while sick! Seriously MASSIVE kudos because you're a better man than I since as soon as I knew that wife wasn't going to die, I would have lost my shit on BIL. And then I would've lost my shit on EVERY SINGLE person at that club just to make sure that I got the unknown drugger. (Sheesh, I guess there IS a reason that the Irish have a high mortality rate.)

    So wait, what's the answer to the percentage of straight question?

    (Quite a question coming from a straight chick who just spoke of having a hypothetical wife. Though I don't play favorites, and I'd beat up a BIL for a hypothetical male spouse, too.)

    ((Holy fuck, I need to slow down on the coffee.))

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  19. And here I thought all that druggin at clubs was just a myth. Scary.

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  20. The fact that a straight woman was drugged at a gay bar is kind of scary. Although, my gay BFF gets a little straight when he drinks too much. That's actually a scarier scenario. Although I have to say, the rapist picture had me burst out laughing.

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  21. Good God, man! I thought the gays were to be trusted with all innocent women! Glad she is okay.

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  22. Seriously, why would someone at a gay bar drug a straight woman?! Well, it's nice to know she's ok now. And her brother might have been useless at the time, but at least he got her out of there before anything happened.

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  23. What a scary story... it's bad enough doing what we want to do when we are capable of making decisions. This scenario is out right scary.

    I'm glad it all turned out well...

    ~shoes~

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  24. That is very weird that someone would want to drug a straight woman at a gay bar. Unless it was a straight guy there because women think they are safe and won't get hit on. Still scary in everyway, glad she is alright. The rapist line made me laugh, great how you keep your sense of humor over it.

    Oh and if you want in on the next long story like thing I have planned for my blog just let me know as another will show.

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  25. Oh my... so glad she's okay. Getting drugged is one of the scariest things... I should know, I also got drugged in a bar once. It wasn't a gay bar, mind you...

    Also, you're able to turn a very serious/scary story into something fricken hilarious. Kudos!

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  26. Holy shit! I'm glad she's ok. I wonder - if you say the words "gay bar" around her will she go into convulsions? :)

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  27. OMG, OMG, OMG...That is some seriously scary shit. Thank God you aren't a doctor because you would have killed her for sure with your shot of Thorazine! Makes me want to stay out of strange gay bars. Oh wait....I don't go to any! All kidding aside, I'm so glad she's OK and this shit does happen in real life and it's scary as hell. Sick people out there aren't there?!

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  28. I feel for your wife. I have sustained many a drunken injury whist clubbing with gay friends and they too reacted the same way as your brother in law. (One of the times I probably should have gotten stitches and another when I'm pretty sure I did some permanent damage to my ankle.)

    Most clubs in general can be sketchy atmospheres. You gotta keep an eye on everyone. It's so shitty that some rape-y asshole would sneak around a gay bar drugging girls (and possibly guys too).

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  29. That's terrifying. If a straight woman isn't safe surrounded by gay men at a gay bar there's no where left that's safe. I'm glad that she's ok, but I'm concerned that 1) her brother is such an imbecile and 2) you didn't kick his ass.

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  30. Everybody needs a good "I got rufee'd in Vegas and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" story, and now she has hers.

    For everything else, there's Mastercard...

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  31. LOL Oh this is great!!!!!

    I'm always going to gay bars in NYC. They are so much fun b/c the men can actually dance! Anyways, you'd be surprised how many straight guys are actually at the gay bar scouting out the straight woman. It's insane!!!! lol

    While it's not funny that your wife got drugged, your reinactment is hysterical. Following ;)

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  32. DANG, just when you thought it was safe to go to gay bars you hear a scary story like this. So glad your wife has recovered.

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  33. Wow!! That's messed up!!! Glad all is well, what a crazy night. Ps.. I love those Hangover movies, lols.

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  34. Love the way the cartoons told the story, but that is definitely scary!

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  35. Hope the wife feels better. None of my gay friends have ever, or would ever, treat me like that! They always watch out for me, especially in their bars. Shame on your brother-in-law. You need to set him "straight". Hehehe.

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  36. What the fuck???? What is the world coming to when a chick can't even get her groove safely on at a dick factory?

    And what is the purpose of a drug that does THAT to someone? Really, that makes the chick rapeable? I have concerns, these would be rapist are mightly confused. Please, tell me some one stopped your BIL and made him prove he was allowed to carry her knocked out ass out of the club.

    That's fuckec up Sir. Glad she is (mostly?) okay now.

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  37. Dude! My bet is on the butler, because it's always the butler.

    But, seriously, I'm glad she's fine. That would have freaked me out.

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  38. Glad your wife is ok. And I agree with Kat. Someone needs to get their head knocked in!

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  39. Wow, how scary. I'm glad she's okay: that's terrible. On a brighter note, I bet Hawking will give you a lot of money for finding a cure for him. Greasy food....mmmmm...

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  40. Holy carp! That's one big 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?'

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  41. BRYAN ~
    I feel kinda guilty for having laughed several times while reading this.

    I hope your wife learned her lesson, which was... uh... hmmm...

    Well, actually, I have no idea WHAT the lesson to be learned here is, but then again it wasn’t MY lesson to learn. Let’s just hope your wife “got it”.

    Hey, the next time you find yerself in Vegas, I have a bar to recommend, if you’ve never been in it before. It’s right on the Las Vegas Strip, just South of... uhm... some old casino. Well, it’s on the East side of the Strip anyway, and it’s called The Peppermill Fireside Lounge.

    The Peppermill is so “Old School” that some scenes from the Robert De Niro gangster movie ‘Casino’ were filmed there. I wrote about it in the blog bit that you will find HERE, if you’re interested.

    Now that the old cocktail lounge of the Algiers Hotel has been demolished (as has the Algiers Hotel), The Peppermill Fireside Lounge is my favorite bar in Vegas. Look for it, it’s just South of... that old casino... and not far from where the Elvis impersonator hangs out.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

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  42. My bet's on it was intended for her brother, and then he offered it to her. Or maybe he was just envious of her vagina. That one's likely. Sorry you had to deal with that though.. I hope my brother would react a little better if (when) it happens to me.

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  43. Oh man. I am never going to a gay bar again.

    Seriously, though, I am glad that she is okay. I hope you punched your brother-in-law squarely in the face.

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  44. It wasn't a ruffie ... IT WAS SNAKEJUICE. If you get that reference we're best friends. If not you die. YOU CHOOSE BRYAN/BRANDON ... you choose.

    - ash ash 5000

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  45. Too freaking funny! Well not that she got drugged but how you guys portrayed it. Glad that she's alright. 100 cc's of thorazine would have probably kicked it right out of her. I mean kicked the soul right out of the body.

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  46. Read this earlier on my phone but commenting is a whore. What the HELL!? Who asks a drugged out woman (even if they just thought she was drunk) to walk around!? Her poor face! Your brother in law deserves a good butt kicking. That's scary as hell especially because she didn't put her drink down and was careful. Damn crazy gay bars.

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  47. It could have been worse, glad she is okay, and I'm glad we can all laugh about it

    Your wife probably can't, but we can. Just hide that shanking toothbrush of her just to be safe...

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  48. It actually takes quite a bit of upper-body strength in order to pull off a successful rape. It has nothing to do with tactical planning or strategies, but everything about the victim-to-biceps-ratio.

    Oh, and your shoulders.

    I mean, it takes a LOT of upper-body strength in order to tear clothes off and position 'em just right, y'know?

    ...not that I'd know. Rape isn't my kinda thing. Why am I building up my arms and shoulders?

    No reason. No reason at all.

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  49. Please turn that drag queen drawing into a t-shirt.

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  50. That sounds horrifying. You must have been pretty scared for her.

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  51. Bryan, I can't believe you didn't go off on your brother in-law and his boyfriend for not watching over your wife! I also can't believe you just let her sleep it off; you don't know what garbage she was slipped! Glad to hear she has recovered from her injuries!

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  52. This blog post is exactly the reason why my mother won't let me out of the house. Good Lord!

    -Barb the French Bean

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  53. Here's what you don't do: trust gay bars!
    Straight men know that's where women feel safe. Gay bars are full of straight rapists. Now you know this. Those bastards!

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  54. Jesus Cristo that must have been one hell of a night. But hey man, what did you expect from Vegas right?

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  55. Is nothing sacred any more? Not even gay bars? But seriously her brother seems rather useless? My brother would have panicked and probably beaten up every guy in the bar...hmm well tried to...where was I ..useless brother. Hope that won't put her off from going out again tho.

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  56. Wow who woulda thunk it. Crazy. I enjoyed reading the story but geez louise good thing your wifey was safe! For the most part

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  57. You know how sorry I am. I emailed you back about my experience. We'll talk soon.

    Much love & well wishes to Mrs. Bryan.

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  58. Fantastic post as always! The drag queens lines where the best!

    (The answer to your question is yes! Under basically the same circumstances as you!)

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  59. I'm glad she's okay. And doing okay.
    This kinda thing makes me angry.

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  60. A friend of mine has this theory that gay bars are the best place to pick up straight women...he tried explaining it to me once but then the Village People came on so I had to go dance.

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  61. That's crazy. But really, why did you make her go by herself? Next time, man up! Maybe you can get drugged too.

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  62. Wow.... maybe she saw something she wasn't supposed to see.... like Travolta getting a man massage there or something?
    And he had his people drug her so she wouldn't remember???
    Ya Im going with that as the true story!

    Damn you Travolta!!!!!!

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  63. Jeebus, glad your wife is okay!

    Once I was at a gay bar with a friend, and some guy bought me a shot, which I didn't want. My friend tossed it back and within ten minutes was falling down on the floor. I did not try to make him walk it off.

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  64. Screw you travolta!

    I have always wanted to go to a gay bar.. although it kinda defeats the purpose of "gay"

    Your blog is the only blog i have seen that is guaranteed to make me laugh with every post :')

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  65. I'm certain you didn't mind taking the clothes off your wife. ;)

    Though, I'm surprised you didn't take any pictures of her in that state. You know, just to show them to her later.

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  66. That's so scary, I'm glad she got home ok! And yeah really weird that she got drugged in a gay bar.... I hope she's feeling better now. I got roofied one night out (friend got me home thank god) and spent the next 24 hours either vomiting or laying facedown on the floor. I've never been so sick in my life.

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  67. I bet the guy whose drink your wife accidentally picked up and drank was super pissed; all that money spent to drug your brother-in-law, wasted on a GiRL.

    All kidding aside, I am glad that your wife is okay. That's some pretty scary shit :(

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  68. This has got to be the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. Why in the world would gay guys drug your wife?? that has to be one for the legend book.

    By the way, I wanted to pass along a Liebster award to you guys. I absolutely love reading your blog.

    Check it out here:
    http://followingthemasala.blogspot.in/2012/05/one-in-which-i-blush-and-simper-and.html

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  69. Holy carp! Glad nobody tucked her under his arm and made off with her!

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  70. Someone was totally try to steal your wife's kidney. Fucked up.

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  71. I had a male friend who got drugged in a regular (not gay) bar while alone. He recognized what was happening as soon as the symptoms started and stumbled to his car before it got bad and locked himself inside. He woke up 6 hours later.

    Never found out who did it.

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  72. Oh my GOD! Gay guys are horny predators! I'm glad she's okay, and I'm glad you found humor in the skank caves that are gay bars.

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  73. I just moved away from Vegas after 28 years there and just last year Jons brother got drugged at Cheetahs and robbed for four hundred bucks.

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  74. That's crazy. But really, why did you make her go by herself? Next time, man up! Maybe you can get drugged too.Visit HereFantastic post as always! The drag queens lines where the best!

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  75. It's crazy that I am reading this story... The same thing happened to my wife when she went out with her co workers to a gay club called Free Zone here in Las Vegas. It's the place were they have drag shows. She had two shots of cheap vodka and about a half hour later her friend saw she was getting sick and was unable to stand on her own. I had no idea what was going on until I woke up at 5 am to get ready to go teach snowboarding lessons and my wife was not in bed. I call her and she did not realize where she was until a few minutes later, and was at her friends house.. thank god she was there with friends and they took her to their house when they did. Lived here five years and would've never thought that of all places here in Vegas to take advantage of someone and incapacitated them, it would be at a gay nightclub with a dragqueen show. I guess that shows my ignorance, and maybe why I stay away from the strip.

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