Facebook Fallout

Welcome, moderately-intoxicated internet peoples. Today we're going to be talking about something we've never talked about before.

No, today we'll be talking about Facebook. To me (Brandon), a guy who no longer has an account, Facebook is like the class yearbook for the electronic age. But there's a reason why yearbooks used to be so special. It's because half the fun was in the nostalgic mystery of posing questions like:

In my head, I picture this:

But, thanks to Facebook, any romantic notion of the unknown and/or endless possibility is gone. Instead, you can see with one simple click that boy-genius Jack is not the CEO of a biochemical megacorporation, but that excessive drug use has turned him into a toothless derelict who's only two steps away from either a sloppy overdose or a homicide via his meth dealer's shotgun.

This is a snapshot taken from his photo album entitled "Life is good. Sometimes."

Let's be honest, not many crackheads have Facebook accounts, but the same sort of idea applies to all of us (if on a less-drastic scale). With the exception of ol' Jack here, most people like to make their life seem soooo much more interesting than it really is. The line between Facebook and Reality is so murky and malleable that anybody can make the shit sandwich of their day-to-day life sound palatable. For example, look at your good friend Tina...

Facebook Reality

Real Reality

Or, how about your old pal Mickey, who always posts about his crazy life at the local university...

Facebook Reality

Real Reality

And what about Bryan, that writer guy you used to know?

Facebook Reality

Real Reality

To me (Bryan), Facebook is actually pretty creepy because we use it like a bunch of voyeurs - we watch everyone and we stalk their every move. And yet, Facebook is a voyeur too, because they're watching us watch these other people while watching them as well. Somewhere, Christopher Nolan's brain just exploded.*

*yes, that was an Inception joke

See, Facebook has tracker cookies that scour your every move on the web and keep a log of every website you've been to in the past 90 days - even if you're not logged in (seriously, look it up). Which means that ol' Zuckerberg is always watching you watch porn, even if you thought you were clever enough to sign out first.

But perhaps even worse, he watches when you shop.

Even funnier are the people that actually do it for him. You know, the people that Like everything in existence, get ads for those exact things that they just Liked... and then are genuinely surprised by this.

But alas, here's the kicker. I'm on Facebook. All of my friends are on Facebook. You're probably on Facebook, too. We just can't help ourselves. So with that said, you should go Like our "A Beer for the Shower" Facebook Fan Page, which is now on the right side of the screen, not just because our webcomics are awesome, but because the Shake Weight has 1116 Likes and we have 100-something... and that's very soul-crushing.

Besides... the Zuck already knows you're here. Why not just own up to it?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

B&B

Music: Imagine Dragons

Beer: Leffe Brown