Thursday, May 3, 2012

Facebook Fallout

Welcome, moderately-intoxicated internet peoples. Today we're going to be talking about something we've never talked about before.


No, today we'll be talking about Facebook. To me (Brandon), a guy who no longer has an account, Facebook is like the class yearbook for the electronic age. But there's a reason why yearbooks used to be so special. It's because half the fun was in the nostalgic mystery of posing questions like:



In my head, I picture this:


But, thanks to Facebook, any romantic notion of the unknown and/or endless possibility is gone. Instead, you can see with one simple click that boy-genius Jack is not the CEO of a biochemical megacorporation, but that excessive drug use has turned him into a toothless derelict who's only two steps away from either a sloppy overdose or a homicide via his meth dealer's shotgun.

This is a snapshot taken from his photo album entitled "Life is good. Sometimes."
Let's be honest, not many crackheads have Facebook accounts, but the same sort of idea applies to all of us (if on a less-drastic scale). With the exception of ol' Jack here, most people like to make their life seem soooo much more interesting than it really is. The line between Facebook and Reality is so murky and malleable that anybody can make the shit sandwich of their day-to-day life sound palatable. For example, look at your good friend Tina...

Facebook Reality

Real Reality


Or, how about your old pal Mickey, who always posts about his crazy life at the local university...

Facebook Reality

Real Reality

And what about Bryan, that writer guy you used to know?

Facebook Reality

Real Reality

To me (Bryan), Facebook is actually pretty creepy because we use it like a bunch of voyeurs - we watch everyone and we stalk their every move. And yet, Facebook is a voyeur too, because they're watching us watch these other people while watching them as well. Somewhere, Christopher Nolan's brain just exploded.*

*yes, that was an Inception joke

See, Facebook has tracker cookies that scour your every move on the web and keep a log of every website you've been to in the past 90 days - even if you're not logged in (seriously, look it up). Which means that ol' Zuckerberg is always watching you watch porn, even if you thought you were clever enough to sign out first.



But perhaps even worse, he watches when you shop.



Even funnier are the people that actually do it for him. You know, the people that Like everything in existence, get ads for those exact things that they just Liked... and then are genuinely surprised by this.





But alas, here's the kicker. I'm on Facebook. All of my friends are on Facebook. You're probably on Facebook, too. We just can't help ourselves. So with that said, you should go Like our "A Beer for the Shower" Facebook Fan Page, which is now on the right side of the screen, not just because our webcomics are awesome, but because the Shake Weight has 1116 Likes and we have 100-something... and that's very soul-crushing.

Besides... the Zuck already knows you're here. Why not just own up to it?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Imagine Dragons
Beer: Leffe Brown

68 comments:

  1. Zuckerberg- masturbating peeping tom picture says it all. Just epic. You guys are awesome.
    I am going to ignore your comment about Inception.Inception and Chris Nolan -sacred cows for me(Did I say that aloud?)
    I had to unfriend couple of friends in facebook because, when I log in
    1. X watched this XXX video, please share it to the world by clicking X in the corner.
    2.Y posted picture of you with wacky hairdo and ghastly blue shirt who wore for sentimental reasons to every exam?
    3.Z likes this Python swallowing Deer video, to hide this post share your credit card and SSN number.

    Forget my exam results snail mail, I pray before I log in to facebook and pray after I close my facebook.

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  2. Too funny! It's so true though, I had to make a bogus email account so I could divert spam away from my real email. Every time you add an "app" on facebook you're allowing that company to spam your email as well as you fb feed. Spamming my email pisses me off!

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  3. That's pretty creepy. I look at porn on a seperate browser; can he still follow me there? Bah, you may have convinced me to delete my account.

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  4. But I thought you said facebook was the devil? The devil got to you didn't he? Never thought I would see you on facebook!

    That Zuckerberg creeps me out!

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  5. I like the yearbook nature of Facebook. This way I don't have to show up to my ten year reunion this year and still brag.

    Win win.

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  6. You just put into comic form the very reason that I have very few "likes" on my FB.

    Don't let the shake-weight thing get you down. Most people probably only "like" to laugh at it. Do you really want that?

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  7. I can see why a lot of people are leaving it. For a few weeks I had about 350 but it keeps going down and back up even though I'm not adding anyone else recently. People care a little too much about fb.

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  8. I have a feeling that "The Zuck" uses that little peep hole for something other than just peeping through...

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  9. The Zuck likes what he sees. I would delete my account if it wasn't for Jessie. That's the only reason I go there really. Though now I have a few more people on there I do care about now. I have seen the joy of camera angles with a woman who was just...well...seriously big despite having a small face. I knew Zuck was watching, but I didn't know he was watching that much. I'm glad I'm careful with my porn watching.

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  10. Even though I'm a bad follower and have been MIA for awhile, I still and will "LIKE" you guys! This was an awesome post. I'm still alive....just enjoying life in Daytona Beach for awhile! Big hugs to both of you!

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  11. I've given up on the concept of privacy. I've decided life is easier that way. No one can ever blackmail me if I don't have any secrets.

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  12. Wow guys. I can let any disgusting thing roll off my back but "The Zuck"? That's with me for life. Or until something more disturbing comes along. I will forever see Zuckerberg in YOUR likeness!

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  13. What twitter, g+ and a follow here aren't enough, I have to like you guys on Facebook, where all my friends can see and maybe be curious enough to come here and read you stuff....
    Wait a minute I see what you did there.
    Click

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  14. God, I'm laughing so hard - and in an Internet cafe too. The image of Zucks just killed me. However crass it may be - I absolutely loved it. Awesome post!

    I'm not on facebook. When something is popular I can't help but do the opposite - which is why, whenever I've been in France, I've never visited a castle. (I sort of regret my stubbornness on that front...)

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  15. Bear Gryllis says Drink Coors Light. That's even better than the 'Pitbull says drink Bud Light' article I did yesterday.

    And I agree. Facebook is SOOO 90's AOL chat.

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  16. I still HATE facebook with every fiber of my being it is soo stupid. Damn peeping tom show is all it is. But then I suppose it is nice sometimes to connect with those far away, but I use twitter and the blog for that, so screw knowing if such and such is sitting on the toilet with a bad case of the runs. will like though.

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  17. I know your pain. I too dislike Facebook for the banality that people post up there. "X is having beans for tea. lol".

    Has it persuaded me to get rid of my account? No, in fact, I did the same as you and started a fan page.

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  18. Ha! I use fb for my blog now way more than I use my personal profile for real life. But that's also bc Boyfriend is old. (Let's be honest, people use it to stalk people they're interested in...)

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  19. What you say on Facebook can haunt you forever I'm afraid but I still like you!

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  20. I'll be seeing Zuckerberg in my nightmares now! Thanks guys!

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  21. Those are hilarious and way to make me paranoid. I've already removed the kinect cause it too was watching me... lols... Will def find you on FB though!! I can't get rid of FB, I'm hopelessly addicted!!

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  22. That Zuckerberg charicature is awesome!

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  23. The Zuck pictures are disturbing. Thanks for that! :)

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  24. thank you facebook. and you for writing and drawing everything i already thought.

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  25. This is priceless! The look in Zuck's eye as he peeps and squats. Hahaha! Thanks guys, this is worth 1million likes.

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  26. That's why you watch the porns in the "incognito". Stay classy, or you know don't

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  27. The Zuck masturbating is creepy as hell =O

    I know about the tracking thing, but every goddamn person is on Facebook, and so far, no one seems to want to move to another social network (Google+ is like a graveyard).

    But I get my revenge by using Ad Block Plus, so I don't see their stupid ads anyways.

    Aaaaah, and so sick of people who pretend their lives are perfect on the internet. Makes me mad! Gonna rant about that soon too. I'm like a rampaging rhinoceros nowadays...

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  28. Oh yeah, you have SO been "LIKED". I can't wait to see what kind of crazy ads you make appear among the Pug ads.

    Besides, The Zuck wants me too.

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  29. "The Shake Weight has 1116 Likes and we have 100-something... and that's very soul-crushing."

    Can't argue with that logic. (Mine has 41 likes. My soul feels crushed just thinking about it.)I'm liking this page as if it has never been liked before!

    -Barb the French Bean

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  30. I was laughing...now I'm just creeped out...ah, screw it! I'll go like you right now Zuckerman be damned!

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  31. Zucksters sole reason for creating Facebook was so that he could satisfy his urge to be a creepy, pervy, voyeur. Basically, he took William Baldwin's idea in "Sliver" where he put spy cams in very room of every apt in a big apartment building so he could watch all his residents all the time, and applied it to the internet.

    It's brilliant really.

    Jay

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  32. You know the crusty things covering your eyes when you wake up, that's the Zuck after visiting you in the night.
    As someone looking for gainful employment and the way potential employers use Facebook to see what you're like, there's no way I'm going to "like" something called a Beer for the Shower. Not that I'm on Facebook, but still, don't out my alcoholism...uh oh, I just gave the Zuck more information about me. Damn. Save me Google +...what's that, Google is so far up my rectum you can Google Map my small intestine? We're all doomed.

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  33. Okay... I'll go "like" you, but you better "like" me back. :P
    But not me, my book... even if I never do update the page.

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  34. I only have my family on my facebook because I live so far away from them. It's a nice way to keep in touch. But I totally used a fake name that may or may not be my dogs name so that 8 million people wouldn't send me friend requests. Yes, 8 million. I think that highly of myself. I've thought about doing a page for my blog but that's as far as I got.

    Those Zuckerberg drawings are awesome and fucking hilarious!

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  35. I am not inebriated; I have a little balance problem due to old age!

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  36. I think pretty much everything you guys do is funny, but, no shit, the Zuck is the best thing ever. OMG.

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  37. You are so twisted. I don't care what Zuckerburg sees me liking or not liking. I really don't have anything to hide from anyone, soooo I guess I'll have to LIKE you on my fb too. Great post BTW.

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  38. We all know things such as relationships and friendships are only official if they are facebook official. I can now say I officially like you.

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  39. Those Zuck pics are really creepy, guys. But the peeping Zuck's got no such luck: I'm no longer on Facebook, pal! ;)

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  40. I'm going to see that Zuckerburg pic in my dreams tonight, I know it. And it won't be a happy time.

    I hardly ever go on Facebook anymore. It's too hard mixing different groups of friends and trying to explain those high school party pics.

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  41. Facebook has far surpassed the creepiness level. I have all ads blocked on my computer, so I never see them, but that doesn't stop the Zuckster from collecting info on me.

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  42. I love to facebook drunk! It's when all the demons get to play! Yo bitch look at me now. I'm sorta better than the 11th grade when you turned me down for the dance and no I haven't been stalking you ever since because I just slipped and fell onto your page 1300 times this month. Geez~

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  43. ^ This guy! askdfuhw

    Facebook is a place where people can stalk each other. Nufff' said!

    It is also possible to stalk blogs, as ive learnt recently...

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  44. Frankly, I only allow my cookies to get on faceboo and a few other trivial things. Everything 'real' is usually done in Chromes incognito window. I doubt tracking cookies are allowed that way, but I'll have to check.
    ...
    FACEBOOK FAN PAGE!? GOSH GUYS :D

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  45. Zuck is going to give me nightmares and I've seen a retarded goat and read tweets about bums having sex from you guys...new creep heights have been reached. That is all.

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  46. I think we all love and hate facebook..... In all honesty I'd love to delete mine, but at the same time it's the easiest way to keep up communication with overseas relatives (which is pretty much all my relatives). :/ At least the easiest without running up a massive phone bill every month...

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  47. I may be the only person in the free world who doesn't have Facebook, who doesn't own a mobile phone and who doesn't have a credit card. This was a good one guys and you took me to a whole new level of skin crawling goodness with that drawing of Zuck. Do you want me to tell you where I put my purse?

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  48. This is why I don't have a Facebook account. Never, ever, ever. He's not going to see the porn I visit.

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  49. I think, technically speaking, he knows only of the ads you click, and the pages you like, so if you want to keep your 'pleasure' to yourself, don't click on any Facebook related stuff on that site, or write it up as a status.

    That said, I did like your page! It's FAB! Sending others requests to like it too!

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  50. Zuckerberg is creppy! I never knew about that stalking thing.

    Yay FB fan page.

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  51. The Zuck creeped me out before. After reading this, he freaks me out even more! These cartoons of him in his drawers will continually haunt me....

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  52. oh my goodness!! ive missed reading this blog!! the masturbating zuck was so creepy though! dont think i can get the image outta my head. lol!! off to facebook to like the page!!

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  53. LOL yes, sexy is a state of mind.

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  54. LOL yes, sexy is a state of mind

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  55. That picture of The Suck (typo and it stays) makes me feel dirty! Veeeeerrry clever to turn it all around and make me go Like your page...

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  56. The evil Facebook with the demon Zuck. HA ha ha ha ha!

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  57. Yea it is definitely scary, but alas it is the world we live in.

    I can't wait until they scour presidential candidate's browsing histories during election time.

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  58. And that's exactly why I deactivated my account. It wasn't being stalked that bothered me. In a sick and twisted way, I find it flattering. What truly concerns me is how much time I can spend looking at status updates and profiles that belong to people I could care less about.

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  59. Lol I never envisioned zuck doing that haha. I ofcourse have Facebook and they do basically spy on you even off Facebook. Very creepy that zuck >:[

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  60. Fine.... I will go like your F-book page... but you better deliver some messed up posts... the embarrassing ones where you get all emotional or angry on there and post stuff you shouldn't... you know the good stuff...

    Oh ya and "the zuck"... hilarious!

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  61. Oh, I just had to pause for a minute until the laughter subsided when I reached that point where BRYAN is doing exactly what he said he was doing:

    Drinking a beer at 9 AM in his underwear.

    "What?"
    (You expected something else maybe? Thought I was lying?)

    Very funny.

    Well, Bad B Boys, the Beer Battles continue. Over the next few days Nappy and I have some Colorado soldiers stepping into the Beer Battle arena. Odell, Breckenridge, and Great Divide (all of which turn out some good brews) will be represented and in combat mode, along with Hazed & Infused, which I added to the contest when one of youz guyz (don't know if it was Bryan or Brandon) mentioned it as being a favorite of his.

    Updates on my F-FFF blog to follow soon.

    After these next four "General Skirmishes" are conducted, we're thinking that we will proceed to the Semi-Finals Rounds, where all the past winners face off against each other until we have gotten to the Championship Round, where the last two beers standing go "head-to-head".

    Exciting Beer Battles to come as we move into the home stretch.

    Yak Later, Boys...

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  62. Oh. Oh wow.

    Oh shit.

    Yeah, The Zuck pics are just...I can't stop freakin' laughin'!

    And hell yes, the life of a writer is tough yet so realistic.

    It's almost too real, if you will.

    Like, beyond the expectations of reality.

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  63. "My name's 'The Zuck' and I like to fuck."

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  64. I am now stalking you on facebook.

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  65. Oh, FaceBook. Great post guys! About two days ago I deleted 50 friends from my friends list. It felt very good. I like that you posted about FaceBook, and i like the info within the post, I think a lot of people out there don't actually realise what is going on there. I still have an account, but use it quite minimally.

    Take it easy guys!

    - Juliet x

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  66. That Mark Zuckerberg picture is the creepiest thing I've ever seen - and I've watched Indiana Jones 4.

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  67. I want to laugh at "The Zuck" pics, but really I'm just disturbed. Like, really disturbed. I will never be able to use facebook again... ok, gotta go... just thought of a status update.

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