Thursday, April 5, 2012

You'll Never Be Drunk Enough For A Class Reunion

Despite the fact that Facebook now allows you to follow the extraordinary, world-changing developments of your high school classmates, apparently people are still having class reunions. In fact, the two of us here at A Beer for the Shower are about to have our very first--The Dreaded Ten-Year Reunion--happening this year. And we've decided not to attend. Not because we're snobs. But because we already know how things are going to shake out...

1. There are two types of people going to this thing. The very married, and the very desperately single, and the latter is a danger - to herself, and to others. She's that girl whose only one goal is to get as trashed as possible and take anything with a penis home.


2. It's a small, dinky cow-town. If we wanted to have conversations with a bunch of halfwit hicks we'd go to a Larry the Cable Guy show, not a high school reunion.








3. Brandon was kind of a hoor in his high school days, and since he doesn't have Facebook, he doesn't relish the thought of seeing how his old flames have aged.

Like the ultra-fit, Amazonian sports star, who was also a powerlifting champion*.


*true fucking story

Or like the hot cheerleader, who got a little "too into" the party scene after graduation.






And where old girlfriends are concerned, let's not forget the introduction of their inevitable offspring. Or, as folks back home like to call them: fuck trophies.








4. The reunion is being held at a bar. Which, of course, normally we would approve of. Except that the previous owner of the establishment hung himself there. Not even HE wanted to be around for our high school reunion.

Come on. Did you really want to see a cartoon of this, you sick bastard?
And ever since Brandon stole that hearse from the mortuary last month*, he's been highly superstitious of the retribution of the dead.

*yes, this is also a true fucking story

5. It's always sad to see what a failure everyone turned out to be.









Cheers,
B&B

Music: George Barnett
Beer: Shiner Bock
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69 comments:

  1. Haha wow. Yep, I can't imagine actually wanting to go my reunion. Most of the people in my town still live there, anyways. Not much to reunite when they're all hanging out at the same trashy bar on the weekends.

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  2. I haven't been to any of my class reunions. My 20 year reunion is coming up in a couple years, I will be sure to miss out on that one too!

    I didn't like any of my classmates back then. I'm pretty sure they are all still assholes today!

    Great post! Couldn't be any more accurate!

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  3. I have facebook, I don't need a reunion. Or at least that's my excuse

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  4. The previous bar owner hanged himself? Why? Never mind. I am sure that's not important. However, if you do go to the reunion, and you should, take pictures. I would like to make friends with the ghost. And if someone needs a date...just sayin'.

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  5. Psh. I didn't go to my 20th reunion...When I started getting facebook requests from people who hadn't talked to me in 20 years I blew the whole thing off!

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  6. hahaha. Loved that blacked out cartoon and tag on that. I never go to reunions, because my college life wasnt that great and I am not interested to meet them. And I am sure my reunion would have those baby-shitting mammas and daddas, baldies, and senile-on-the-outside-but-retarded-on-the-inside and the ones who will pass out flyers to buy some from his store and some selling fake diamonds. Thanks and no thanks, I'll pass.

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  7. I went to a reunion once. Think I stayed 5 minutes. Long enough to realise that I had nothing in common with any of them any more and maybe never really did (except for the fact that I attended the same school)
    Think you are making the right decision to avoid it

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  8. Seriously, why ARE these things still going on? I attended my 10 year reunion, (I won't say how long ago) also in a small cow town in Colorado and I can tell you you're probably not going to miss much. Except it is fun to watch the formerly popular, now divorced women get drunk and throw themselves at the former H.S. quarterback who is now married, attended with his wife and plays in the NFL. (true fucking story)

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  9. My ten year reunion: me - barefoot and pregnant (no, really I was barefoot. I thought my shoes were in the car and they weren't) and my ex there with his supermodel wife who also happens to have a masters degree from Georgia Tech.

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  10. My 10 yr HS reunion is this year as well, but I'm definitely giving that one a pass. I see enough of those a-holes whenever I go out to the pub and I can't remember any of their names when I see them one at a time--definitely don't want to be bombarded by a whole herd of them.... I still can't fathom how so many of them are married and breeding.

    xo

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  11. Mine is next year I think, and I'll be damned if I am going to that thing. If I wanted to keep in touch with the people from my one horse town I would have. Just people trying to show off or pretend they are still oh sooo cool. pffft...he really hung himself there? Geez, that is saying something about your reunion..hahaha....the failure at the end looks like a Johny Bravo wannabe..haha

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  12. I didn't even go to my schools prom, I doubt I'd go to a reunion. If he really stole a hearse, then I do wonder how that one came about. I have the people I gave a damn about in school on Facebook now, and really yeah, none of them seem to care much anymore. I don't know why they're still on there really.

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  13. Why would anyone PAY to go to a class reunion? Besides, I don't really want to be reminded of my high school days! I probably would get drunk, just so i could tolerate it.

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  14. My friends and I skipped our 10 year as well and will skip the 15 next year as well. Why? We already talk to the people from high school we care to keep in touch with. What the hell do I want to be fake for a night for? No thank you. If we were friends in high school then I'd still be in touch with you...if not...ugh why bother.

    Your breakdown couldn't be more true. I mean I wasn't a whore who dates a transgender, and the prior owner didn't off himself at the bar we held ours at...but I'm pretty sure they all kinda go the same way as yours would. Kudos on the wise decision to stay away. :)

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  15. I really want to hear the 'true stories' that have been listed in this post! Surely you weren't planning to tease us with a hint of more fun - but then not deliver. The reunion sounds like it will be horrible - but maybe worth it just for laughs lol

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  16. I will never even be invited to a high school reunion.. and this makes me happy. Also, the true stories in here. They are giggle fits.

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  17. Same here. My reunion is coming up this year and I'm passing on it. As soon as it was announced, the classmates came out of the woodwork on Facebook and started with the friend requests. Really? I haven't talked to you in how long? Why would I start now? Get bent!

    You guys made me a little sick with the "I can smell you from here" line. LOL

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  18. I haven't been to any reunions myself, but I feel like half the girls in my class "shit out babies" immediately after graduation. The wierd part about it is that they are proud for getting prematuring knocked up before getting their life in order.

    Also, I saw one of the smarter kids from my class at the bar a few nights ago. Let's just say it was difficult to hold back my tears of joy when I found out I'm better off than him.

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  19. Ah, yes. The ten-year reunion. Mine is this summer as well. I'm also not going. Nothing has changed except my weight and premature wrinkles from tanning so much. I'm still single, I still don't have any children, I'm still in freaking school for God's sake!! I haven't even left school yet! Also, I would be that drunken, single, valedictorian with no common sense that ended up telling my old classmates about the ghosts I see. They'd really think I'm a winner. I'll stay at home and stalk them on facebook.

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  20. You stole a fucking hearse?!? DO TELL!

    My reunion was satisfactory, but only because I was the hottest and least psychotic gal there. Which wasn't necessarily the case in high school. Movin on uuuup.

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  21. Oh shit I am laughing hysterically! You should go because I have to go because apparently I was a class officer...ugh! Great post guys.

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  22. My 20 year class reunion took place 3 miles from my apartment and I didn't go. I would have had I known it would be like this!

    Jay

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  23. Oh, man. That montage of ugly monster babies is enough to keep anyone at a 200-mile radius away from their high schools, aka, bully stomping grounds. I wouldn't blame you two for not going.

    I was just thinking about when I would have to attend my own ten-year reunion, give or take another three years. Maybe I'll just stay home or go get a drink elsewhere. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

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  24. I went to a couple early ones...my high school was in a small German town, and the reunions are always scheduled to coincide with Octoberfest, when the Beer Garden is open. Yeah. Much alcohol.

    I decided to stop going because anyone I care about is in contact with me. Besides, I wouldn't want to show everyone else up with my awesomeness! (I'm kind like that.)

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  25. "Fuck trophies" is my new favorite phrase.
    I wasn't invited to mine. Apparently I was supposed to seek out the details of Facebook. Yeah, I had to do the work to find something I wanted nothing to do with. Saved us both time.
    If I wanted to get wasted and have a regrettable hook up, I'd go to the closest highway rest stop like a dignified desperate pervert.

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  26. Went to H.S. in a little ole cow town in the Midwest. By a strange coincidence I was back there at the time of my 10 year and went. Talk about strange. Interesting, the women all looked pretty good, but the men...Wow, ran into more than one 'I thank God for unanswered prayers'.

    Went to another one (on purpose) of which we'll not mention what year they were reuniting for, and it was sad. Some strange fungus grows on people who stay in the same place for too long.

    I'll not be doing that again, even if I could find my way back.

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  27. I went, it was ok. Some people have mellowed out, others are just the same. You get what you put into though, overly cerebral people make too much of it.

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  28. Aww c'mon guys! I'm going to mine. In all honesty though, this was my exact point when I blogged about receiving a Facebook invite for mine. The people I want to talk with, I do. Everyone else, I already know what goes on in their lives. Still, I'm planning to go.

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  29. I was invisible in high school. Invisible at the reunion. WHY did I think it would be different 10 years later?

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  30. Yes, my 10 year is coming up in November. Don't think I'll make it though because its pretty expensive to fly out and everything. Am thinking about it though.

    On a side note, definitely want to hear about these "true stories".

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  31. I had the best high school reunion! Highlight of the night: watching a washed up cheerleader grind on my husband's leg, FART on him, then pass out. She was so drunk, she thought he was her old prom date. LOL (My husband didn't even go to my high school)

    I'm still laughing..although The Husband didn't find it even the slightest bit amusing :)

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  32. I’ve never attended any of my class reunions. The few people I cared about then I am still friends with now and see on a regular basis. Don’t need to dish out some ridiculous amount of money to meet with people I can’t even remember at a cheap bar! (I have been shocked at the places they chosen for our reunions!)

    Also, my school was a snobby school and I don’t care to be judged by what has become of my life. I am happy, to hell with other’s opinions. If I have a morbid desire of seeing what happened to people I may faintly recall I can look at Facebook!

    I did attend my husband’s 25th high school reunion. He could barely remember half of the people who did show up. Only a hand full of them he is still friends with, the others he remembered were just a shameful topic of conversation because of how badly they aged or how ridiculously they behaved at the reunion!

    Save your time and money guys!

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  33. That pretty much sums up every reunion I've been too. Haha. I just about did a spit take at the caption under the blacked out picture.

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  34. I'm in much the same camp as you guys. My 10-year is this year as well, and much as I would love to rehash the uniquely skewed 'glory days' of small town Texas, I think I'd rather keep my sanity in tact...and the smug sense of accomplishment about not working as a bathroom attendant.

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  35. That is some SWEET cartoonage, boys. I thought I had some skills in the microsoft paint. I also never attended my highschool Reunion for the very same reason.

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  36. I'm with you. Why would I go to a reunion to see people I haven't felt the need to stay in touch with for the past 35 years (yes, you read that right. Oh...my...God)? My life is full enough of the sick, lame, dumb, crazy, and twisted already, thank you.
    And some of THEM I'm not even related to.
    But, they're not giving away HJ's.
    Sooooo, maybe it wouldn't hurt to stop by the next get-together.....

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  37. Ahhhh I know the rumors started last year or so about our reunion. Things were going ok and then the whole money issue came along and everyone was all like, wait? theres no alcohol.. Eff that!! Needless to say our over dramatic class president wasn't happy with us drunkards in the end... lol No HS reunion for us. Yea,we suck!!

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  38. This whole post was hilarious. Honestly, I've never even considered going to a high school reunion. I don't see the appeal. At all.

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  39. I didn't go to my high school graduation so why the hell would I go to a reunion other than to say hey you guys all suck and guess what you still do?

    They all look like that horny orthopedic drooling cow, anyway. Even in Cali we have cow-poke towns :)

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  40. I had my 5 year reunion a little over a year ago.

    Except I was a Class Officer and had to show up early. They gave me free drinks, so I was pretty hammered by the time everyone arrived. I'm pretty sure I was bent over the bar like that chick in your first image.

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  41. My 20 year (OMG I'm fucking old) reunion was last year. I can't believe I've been out of high school that long in some ways and in others it seems like an eternity ago. A lot of people from H.S. on FB ask to be my friend even though they didn't speak to me in school. What the hell is that about? So many of them never left our podunk town and ended up either elementary school teachers or stay at home moms while their husbands work at the local refineries. At least I can say I've lived in several other places and got the hell out of there.

    P.S. Shiner Bock bitches! Texas beers are awesome, sirs.

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  42. I refuse to attend any high school or college reunion. I see no point in it other than to see who's old and who's fat.

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  43. All reasons why I hide from my alumni association and have never gone to a reunion, and never will.

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  44. Yep, that is the sole purpose of facebook

    Have a brag in their own time, gloat away without having to be there.

    When are you going to hook me up with that sexy goat?

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  45. Oh boy, for someone with high school reunions in their future, this post was quite terrifying, enough to convince me to get out of the country as soon as possible so they cant track me down with the invitations!
    anyways, i love your blog! definately following! f-a-i-r-y-l-i-g-h-t-s.blogspot.com

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  46. My 10-year was this year ... also unattended. I still live in the same city, but stay as far away from most of those "happy reunion goers" as I can. Usually people who want to go feel like they have something to prove... which is usually nothing that anyone cares about at all ;)

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  47. You stole a hearse? What the heck? Don't you know that's a hanging offense?

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  48. I made it to my 10th and had to miss my 20th. I didn't have a lot of friends in high school, but enjoy catching up. Especially with the people that moved away.

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  49. Stealing a hearse sounds like a great idea.

    I always end up having to dig the bodies up out of the ground. Stealing the hearse ensures the bodies are still fresh when you get possession of them.

    You're always two steps ahead of me!

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  50. What is the point in having these things now that we had enough social networking tools to never be alone?

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  51. God that was funny. And close to the mark. Having way more years on you two (yes I could be your mother) I have been to many reunions. The drinking, drug taking & disappointment only increases with each one. Had I to do over again, I'd stick to the memories, also marred by drinking, drug taking & disappointment.

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  52. Oh wow that makes me never want to go to my class reunion. lol.

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  53. I didn't go for mine - though since I was actually from an all girls school, the desperately single who went (if there were any) might not have been as lucky ;)

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  54. lol ahh yess the sad reality of life. atleast im not fat as the others from my graduating class.

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  55. I went to mine and my mom was there..... and my dad..... and my dog...... and my room was still set up the same way..
    Ya its a home schooled joke.....
    FML

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  56. I don't get it. I mean ok, mine isn't for another 6 years (baby) but still. How does so much failure happen in 10 years?!

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  57. I went to one high school reunion and that was my 25th. That was enough. I'm done.

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  58. The nerds made out.....they aged well, real well, and had the most money. You did miss much.

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  59. I moved all the way from Chicago to Portland to avoid having to go to my high school reunions.

    Loved this post. It was tragically funny--beneath the humor there's a very scary truth. :-o

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  60. I have never gone to a reunion. I have no desire to see them. They friend me on Facebook and then ignore me...what is that about?

    I had to laugh at the ending because it is so true! Great post!

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  61. Our class never had a 10 year reunion because the student president or whoever was in charge couldn't seem to pull herself together to organize one. But even if they did, I wouldn't have gone for just that reason- you never see the people you WANT to see at a reunion. Instead I'm just going to call up the old gang when I get back to Connecticut this summer for a BBQ with lots of beer. We lost one of ours this christmas so we've been keeping in touch more than usuual.

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  62. Class reunions are scary or so I'm told. I In fact, it's scary enough imagining class reunions and feeling the hairs on your back go all stiffy on you at the thought of having to actually speak with the losers you'd rather see move to the next planet and pretend you care.

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  63. I want to see the comics drawn of these true stories. They sound awesome and should be shared.

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  64. Aaah, I can't belive I haven't commented on this blog for so long! Shame on me =O

    Class reunions should be BANNED. I didn't want to see any of my classmates right after high-school graduation - why would a 10 year gap change anything?

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  65. Oh. Oh baby.

    I totally missed out on my tenth year reunion - at the time I was busy failing at everything I was doing. I figured that by the 20th I'd be a bit more ready to go back and say hello.

    'Sides, I was a good kid, a great one - I'm fairly certain all of my old friends and contacts would be horrified to discover what a curmudgeonly asshole I've turned into.

    What worries me are the contacts who I DO keep in contact with who, to this day, swear that they A) saw this coming and B) knew I would turn out as wicked as I did.

    Which really worries me since except for the fighting (after-school, during school, whenever, whoever) I was honestly a good kid. Hell, worst thing my mom has ever told me was "I hope you have a child someday, and that child is EXACTLY like your sister!"

    Even back then I questioned the oddity of that rephrasing.

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  66. ahaha so true, our school has a reunion once every year...every one who ever graduated can just turn up on the 26th of December...how depressing is this. I went for our 5th year reunion..apparently I got shinier...which I think is a good thing?!

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  67. P.S. Those legs in that first picture are disturbingly sexy...

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  68. I didn't go to mine, but that was before I had a blog. THINK OF THE STORIES FOR ABFTS YOU WOULD COME BACK WITH!

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  69. I haven't had a reunion yet, but we only had 16 people in our class so who knows, it could be fun.

    Sooo... can we hear the story of the stolen hearse??

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