For the next three days, Bryan and I are going to be at the Pikes Peak Writers Conference here in Colorado. Which means that atop the act of much liver-throttling at the bar, we will be spending a lot of time among a mass of literary hermits much like ourselves. But, however socially awkward or neurotic we may be, no two writers are the same. There's a wide spectrum of oddity and eccentricity within the realm of our "profession." And since so many of our webcomic readers aren't writers themselves, we've decided to provide you with a guide to some of the major types of writer, so that should you ever encounter them in the wild, you may readily identify them and either engage in conversation or bear-mace them accordingly.
1. The Literariarian -- Sophisticated. Witty. Poignant. These are three words a modern literature writer will use to describe...himself. He swims the depths of the existential platitudes and emerges dripping, like the jowls of a St. Bernard, with poetic inspiration. He is the classiest of all writers. Just ask him. This fellow is the chic, MFA-brandishing hipster of the literary world. While the beautiful, artistic wordcraft of his life's work will be widely unknown in both his lifetime and everyone else's, his snobbish superiority will make you rethink your policy on punching a man with glasses.
2. The Young Adulteress -- Age has nothing to do with title here. Just
subject material. More often than not, this scribbler was inspired to
test out her own literary skills after reading Twilight. Seeking either
commercial glory for regurgitated soap-opera love stories between young
people, or an outlet for sexual frustration, this writer is best
recognized by her "Team Edward" tee shirt and/or the feverish,
semi-insane glazing of the eyes that comes as a result of reading
Stephenie Meyer books.
3. The Space Cadet -- Science Fiction writers are probably the most easily recognized of the writer species. Just imagine a badly-aged Buzz Lightyear with a library card. And his virginity. This man's brain spends most of the day in outer space, so on the off-chance that he's not wearing his USS-Enterprise tee shirt, you'll be able to recognize him by the vacant expression and corresponding drool puddle.
4. Sir Fantasy -- He lives to LARP. He speaks 3 different languages. One of them is Elven. Another is a language he calls Dov'amirr that he created himself for his 2000-page epic novel. Unfortunately, none of those languages are English. I mean, what the fuck is a 'chaotic good dark elven changling' anyway?
5. That Creepy Fucker in Black -- He writes horror fiction. Just be thankful that as a child this fellow decided to
pick up a pen instead of an AK-47, because he is one sick bastard at
heart. Although he is easiest recognized by his disdain for colorful
clothing and shampoo, you'll also be able to spot the brooding
demeanor and undulating aura of cynicism should you mistakenly approach
him in conversation.
6. The Romance Novelist -- This one is actually pretty self-explanatory.
7. The Pimp -- This writer can be found lurking in any genre. He's one of the in-betweeners. While his work has been published and is probably moderately successful, he's not cashing Michael Bay movie checks yet. Which, of course, means that any chance he gets, he'll barrage you with his shameless self-promotion. He'll do everything short of giving out bathroom stall handjobs just to make sure he's properly persuaded you to buy his new book. Or e-Book. Or pack of gum with his face on it.
And now, hopefully you know a little bit more about how to correctly identify and categorize a writer (should you ever spot one at the local Starbucks, hoping you're noticing his creative genius at work). Just remember, don't feed the bears. And never ask a writer "what he's working on right now." It could save your life someday.
Since we're expecting heavy site traffic today we want to remind you to check out our e-novel "The Missing Link," if you haven't yet. It's available for download here from Amazon (The Missing Link), or by following the cartoon link at the top of the page. At only 99 cents, it's the cheapest fun you can have without contracting the herp.
-Brandon (and Bryan [Space Cadets Unite!])
Beer: Fat Tire
Music: The Pretenders