Thursday, April 19, 2012

Spot a Writer. Save the Awkwardness.

For the next three days, Bryan and I are going to be at the Pikes Peak Writers Conference here in Colorado. Which means that atop the act of much liver-throttling at the bar, we will be spending a lot of time among a mass of literary hermits much like ourselves. But, however socially awkward or neurotic we may be, no two writers are the same. There's a wide spectrum of oddity and eccentricity within the realm of our "profession." And since so many of our webcomic readers aren't writers themselves, we've decided to provide you with a guide to some of the major types of writer, so that should you ever encounter them in the wild, you may readily identify them and either engage in conversation or bear-mace them accordingly.

1. The Literariarian -- Sophisticated. Witty. Poignant. These are three words a modern literature writer will use to describe...himself. He swims the depths of the existential platitudes and emerges dripping, like the jowls of a St. Bernard, with poetic inspiration. He is the classiest of all writers. Just ask him. This fellow is the chic, MFA-brandishing hipster of the literary world. While the beautiful, artistic wordcraft of his life's work will be widely unknown in both his lifetime and everyone else's, his snobbish superiority will make you rethink your policy on punching a man with glasses.




2. The Young Adulteress -- Age has nothing to do with title here. Just subject material. More often than not, this scribbler was inspired to test out her own literary skills after reading Twilight. Seeking either commercial glory for regurgitated soap-opera love stories between young people, or an outlet for sexual frustration, this writer is best recognized by her "Team Edward" tee shirt and/or the feverish, semi-insane glazing of the eyes that comes as a result of reading Stephenie Meyer books.


3. The Space Cadet -- Science Fiction writers are probably the most easily recognized of the writer species. Just imagine a badly-aged Buzz Lightyear with a library card. And his virginity. This man's brain spends most of the day in outer space, so on the off-chance that he's not wearing his USS-Enterprise tee shirt, you'll be able to recognize him by the vacant expression and corresponding drool puddle.



4. Sir Fantasy -- He lives to LARP. He speaks 3 different languages. One of them is Elven. Another is a language he calls Dov'amirr that he created himself for his 2000-page epic novel. Unfortunately, none of those languages are English. I mean, what the fuck is a 'chaotic good dark elven changling' anyway?


5. That Creepy Fucker in Black -- He writes horror fiction. Just be thankful that as a child this fellow decided to pick up a pen instead of an AK-47, because he is one sick bastard at heart. Although he is easiest recognized by his disdain for colorful clothing and shampoo, you'll also be able to spot the brooding demeanor and undulating aura of cynicism should you mistakenly approach him in conversation.


6. The Romance Novelist -- This one is actually pretty self-explanatory.


7. The Pimp  -- This writer can be found lurking in any genre. He's one of the in-betweeners. While his work has been published and is probably moderately successful, he's not cashing Michael Bay movie checks yet. Which, of course, means that any chance he gets, he'll barrage you with his shameless self-promotion. He'll do everything short of giving out bathroom stall handjobs just to make sure he's properly persuaded you to buy his new book. Or e-Book. Or pack of gum with his face on it.



And now, hopefully you know a little bit more about how to correctly identify and categorize a writer (should you ever spot one at the local Starbucks, hoping you're noticing his creative genius at work). Just remember, don't feed the bears. And never ask a writer "what he's working on right now." It could save your life someday.

Since we're expecting heavy site traffic today we want to remind you to check out our e-novel "The Missing Link," if you haven't yet. It's available for download here from Amazon (The Missing Link), or by following the cartoon link at the top of the page. At only 99 cents, it's the cheapest fun you can have without contracting the herp.

Cheers!

-Brandon (and Bryan [Space Cadets Unite!])

Beer: Fat Tire
Music: The Pretenders

70 comments:

  1. What about speculative historical fiction writer, the guy who writes like, "What would happen if the South had AK-47's during the Civil War?" (I wish I made this up, but someone gave me a book with this premise.) Or do Poets not show up to these things? What about semi-humorous bloggers with delusions of grandeur (I apply that to no one but myself).

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  2. That first guy guy needs some Chipotle-away (TM).

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  3. Yeah, so, what are you guys working on right now? :)

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  4. Live free or twi-hard!? Snicker.

    I've never been to one of these. I'm okay with that.

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  5. The sophisticated writer is right. I *can* fully appreciate the artwork splayed on the canvas. He forgot to point out the straggly bits of corn kernels that weren't properly digested.

    (And I hope to God that I am NOT like the Young Adulteress.)

    -Barb the French Bean

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  6. I don't do conventions... I don't even do public places so I think I'm safe! I'm surrounded by farmers and red-necks so I shouldn't have to worry about encountering such people!

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  7. I tend to steer clear of Starbuck's for this reason. Dunkin' Donuts is my domain. They know exactly how I want my coffee! Even though that wasn't your point.

    Anyway, what is it you do at the conventions?

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  8. New flavor of beer. Herpes, spring brew.

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  9. Man, I gotta start trolling some literary conventions for a nice Romance Novelist... maybe one with her herpes in remission...

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  10. Nothing wrong with LARPing, the only problem is the Lizard king does not understand no ...(yes yes I used to go larping, it turned me into a better human being)

    Maybe I should hang out in Starbucks to see if I can catch em all.

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  11. I was so on board with Kat and her plan to finish up our novels, fly out, get shit faced with you guys, and hit the convention...unfortunately my work schedule and novel were not. Ugh. Maybe next year. Have fun, guys, and avoid the herpes/twilight/serial killer hopefuls/and other forms of crazies.

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  12. So you guys are No.3, funny stuff boys but beer and herpes is never going to sell!

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  13. Space Cadets huh? I can deal with that. #1 is what really grates my nerves. Don't act like you're better than me because you discuss highbrow topics. I watch the news dammit!

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  14. Thanks for the warning signs, could come in handy and will avoid them at all circumstances.
    Literariarian and Space Cadet, maybe like other classic guy from future , these two may need to wait for posthumous hit and make sure their offsprings also make nothing out of it. Royalty expires in 100 years?
    I am happy that you have young adulteress there, come one where else these are freaks gonna get laid? You need some representation from fairer sex there. And especially the romance-novalist who might have taken celibacy oath for life.
    Sir Fantasy,is like a donkey to critics not just brickbats. There is no win-win with him. He will get mad, if you understood his work, and also if you dont understand his work and same with appreciation and critisicm. He deserves to stay in his cardboard space shuttle.
    Creepy fuker in black, come on if you remove gross slime, puky stuff and blood and vomit, there is nothing left but adverbs,verbs and adjectives in his work.
    While shaking hands, these writers I believe barter their works and discuss secret prices, where else are they can sell their works?

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  15. Twi Hard? Isn't that a movie with Bruce Willis?

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  16. I seriously have no idea what the $10 bucks and the power drill would be for. That's probably a good thing.

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  17. I don't care how drunk you get at the convention just don't go to a hotel room with any of these bastards. And when Literary guy asks you if you'd like to come to his room to see his gerbil, say NO!!

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  18. Twilight rip offs make me want to re think my neck wear into something that can end it all

    As much as I hate people talking about books they are writing without being asked, just once it would be nice to hear someone just come out and say "I'm ripping off Twilight". I just want to hear some honesty! Rather than having to sit through another "I was writing about vampires before Twilight came out."

    Nobody cares!

    Have fun on the weekend boys, looking forward to any news that might come about this.

    I do recall reading about a finished manuscript here not long ago...

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  19. a weekend of drinking with strangers? yes please.

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  20. I'm not quite sure where on the list you guys fall in.......

    Ah well, just keep writing more books so I can buy and read them!

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  21. 'chaotic good dark elven changling'... ::laughs:: First of all. A dark elf, even the changeling child of a dark elf, probably won't align Good. Or even Neutral. They're DARK! Chaotic Neutral or Neutral Evil all the way and you have one of my favorite characters to play =)

    I'm amused by Romance Novelists. They're soft core porn writers, for women.

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  22. Is it bad that I know what a 'chaotic good dark elven changling' is? Yes? I thought so. I think I'm most like the horror writer actually, despite not writing horror, or really having any plans or dreams to.

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  23. I can be such a fantasy nerd, so I totally get the whole "Sir Fantasy" thing. I always fall for the weird epic novels with 200 invented languages in it. I actually considered learning Entish at one point in my life, but I couldn't find any tutorials =O

    So where on that radar do you guys fall?

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  24. Twilight is a cancer, the original stories weren't the worst things to come out but the rip-offs that followed just worsen the blow.

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  25. OoOoOo have fun, glad I can now spot the difference in writers :)

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  26. So which category would you consider yourselves to be in? I think you may be a special breed all your own.

    And I married a cross between the Literarian and Sir Fantasy. That worries me. A lot.

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  27. Haha! I'm so the sci-fi writer with a little better sense of fashion. Well, maybe not the language part, but you've got the homelessness down. And oh my god, "Twi-Harder!" Yes! Have a great time at Pike's Peak, guys!

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  28. If I were a writer (one that attempts to write for a living, not the type of science publications I write) I'd be that creepy fucker in black. My mind is a little twisted. I watched my first horror movie when I was two. I blame my babysitter.

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  29. Not sure which is more scary -- you two-- or the people commenting here.

    don't mind me, I'm the one with goo dripping from my right arm.

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  30. Oh handy-j's. Gotta love the broke.

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  31. Yep, there are all kinds of writers out there. I think you captured all the right categories for them.

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  32. I actually feel sorry for you guys right now instead of happy that you're there. Those people are pretty scary. I loved the Twilight shirt! I wish I knew if it were real or you made it up, cause it rocked!! Freakin' tweens!!

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  33. So where do you guys fit in? Or did I miss that somehow?

    Good luck at the convention - and I hope you meet the right people who shower you with offers, and ultimately, money.

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  34. hahahaha oh there are so many scary ones out there. I guess that is what happens when the hermits try to come out and play. Just don't go to any secluded places with any of them, they may want to test out something in their next book..hahaha

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  35. What sucks is that the drunk slutty romance novelist is the one who sells the most books and makes the most money.

    Jay

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  36. Just when I think you two can't get any funnier-HOOLY Crap. I just peed a little reading about the Burrito Shart!

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  37. And here I was thinking they could just be normal people. Thanks for the heads up! Ahaha

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  38. This is hilarious!!!

    But what about the often maligned PORN WRITER...

    Always bringing us classics like "Did someone order a pizza?" or "Special delivery... Can someone sign for THIS package?"

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  39. Too true... I don't even need to leave the house, I've witnessed every one of these types of writers just by being a blogger. I'm not sure which one is more terrifying...

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  40. Yeah, you guys pretty well nailed it. And you've also nicely illustrated the reason(s) I "Follow" so few blogs here in the Blogosphere: most of them are owned and operated by one of the above described pseudo-literary freaks.

    I have just one question: Where does the chick who writes about Warrior Chicks fit in? You know, not necessarily about fairies and vampires but chicks who kick butt and save, like, you know, the world 'n' stuffs? Because THAT is a hugely popular genre!

    Or would you still classify that type of pseudo-literary chick under the 'Young Adulteress' category? If not, you missed describing a horrible but horribly popular type.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  41. Well you got them nailed down. Luckily, my ego puts me in a category all my own ... although maybe I should be looking for a treatment for herpes ... damn ... starting to itch ...

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  42. I'm a Space Cadet who had sex!

    My favourite listing is The Young Adulteress! Very funny and very true! And her shirt is hilarious!

    Great post as always! I noticed one of the major writer types you didn't mention was the "successful writer"! Which is very true. They're a rare breed! I hope you two make it!

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  43. How 'bout strange writers, like myself, who flavors every single piece of his writing with sex. From PG-13 to X-rated, his writing literally drips with natural juiciness.

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  44. I'd be a space cadet if I could write...

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  45. I first thought that burrito shart was something that had STDs.
    No WONDER I can't sell any of my writing.

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  46. I'm assuming y'all come in at #7?
    I couldn't figure out which one I am :(

    And I can't believe neither of you has asked about my awesome idea >:(

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  47. This is so right on. I used to work at a publishing company, though, and could add a few more (I'm sure you could too) if you ever want to do post #2...and 3, and 4, and 100...

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  48. All I can say is "have fun guys"
    Don't so anything I wouldn't do

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  49. Well, you're spot on with all of them... Unfortunatley I can't figure out which one I am :P

    There must be more, surley?

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  50. I already bought your book. Is it too late to request the handjob?

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  51. Hands down my favorite post of yours yet. I do have a complaint though - instead of typing my ass off to meet a looming deadline, I'm now wondering what category I fall into. As if there aren't enough ways to procrastinate already. Damn you and your funnies, ABFTS!

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  52. How many of these guys are actually any fun to hang out with?

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  53. First of all, great choice in both beer and music today. Second, I can't wait to attend a writer's conference where I can observe these species up close and personal. Though... I have to wonder which category I fall in to.

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  54. I thought I would recognize a writer by the notepad at her elbow everytime she goes anywhere or does anything. :)

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  55. One of them looked oddly familiar...

    Enjoy the conference!

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  56. I wonder how carefully they check credentials at that... hmmm... I live in Colorado.
    Where is the picture of the shady, normal to slightly bookish looking girl who sneaks into conferences?
    If I get caught would it get me out of trouble if I offered a spot on my skibum couch?

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  57. Haha the Pimp sounds familiar.

    That Creepy Fucker in Black is going to give me nightmares tonight, thanks a lot!

    Have fun at the conference, and remember, what happens at the Pikes Peak Writers Conference stays at the Pikes Peak Writers Conference. It just gets written about by hundreds of people.

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  58. This was hilarious!! My favorite was definitely Sir Fantasy.

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  59. I'll keep the bear mace ready :) I'll never ask Sir Fantasy what his next book is. Oh the headaches that would ensue.

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  60. haha! sounds like all the players for an epic party will be there. Enjoy it!

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  61. Great material, as always

    How did the title of "adulteress" get associated with the Twlight fan girl? I understand

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  62. I just thought all writers were super modest or super sophisticated. If it makes for a good story though, I don't care either way. :D

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  63. The art piece spoke to me, man. it's so beautiful I'm crying and will return to tell you what it said when i am done crying.

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  64. And I love every single one of them, except for the Literariarian. I dated that guy, and it is not fun.

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  65. Just discovered your blog, very funny, made me laugh a lot :)

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  66. Have fun at the conference, guys. Punch any Literariarian in the throat for me.

    Thanks a bunch!

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  67. And to think that all of these crazy writer types were getting drunk together. It just goes to show you that alcohol is the great mediator.

    (Yay Space Cadets!)

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  68. I knew you were writers. I didn't know you were hermits, too. 'He is the classiest of all writers. Just ask him.' I know the type. Makes my skin scrawl, though not as much as those who worship them. I remember some time ago one of those worshippers telling Pat Hatt he wasn't a true poet, for poetry should be Sophisticated, Witty, Poignant and 'so much more.'Get out of town! But... are you telling me you boys don't speak Dov'amirr? You don't? Any Klingon (at least)?

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  69. Yet another reason not to hang out with writers.

    Haven't we met the Romance Novelist before, in a prior post?

    She looks familiar. I'm not saying you're reusing old frames, but... I think I know that gal.

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