Monday, April 2, 2012

Slingin' That Neighborhood Rock

          Some of those who follow this blog know about my suburbanite neighbors. For those who don't, they're a kind, caring, always smiling group of men and women who come from all walks of racial diversity... ranging from 'alabaster' to 'egg shell' to 'off white.' And so long as you fit within that suburban color wheel, you're best friends for life.

They all have fake, cheesy smiles exactly like this, and always seem to be waving to people, even if no one's around

          So what does that mean for me? It means that life ain't easy, being a black suburban teenager... especially when I'm white and almost 30.
          This is me on most days: an unemployed writer who hasn't had to be anywhere in almost 2 years and considers this his 'unemployment uniform.' You can often find me locked inside my house, minding my own business, either writing novels on my laptop or attempting gainful employment.


          So why am I such a menace to the neighborhood? Because my wife and her family are Mexican, which makes me "brown by association."


          And my brother-in-law, who has his own Internet marketing business, likes to come around sometimes and show off his new 6-figure toys.








            (Try wiping that image from your brain)
            So the rumor around the neighborhood is that we're all drug dealers. I mean, how else could Mexicans have more money than white people? And so, even though none of this money is my own, the newest rumor is that I'm the one making those drugs, and oh yes, they have proof. It's hilarious to hear through the grapevine how the most mundane things clearly make me the newest member of this Mexican drug cartel.

Like, buying a new car battery (mine dies at least once every 6 months; "Everlast" my ass!).


My nosy neighbors don't see it that way, though!


As a drug dealer, I figure I should have scars, an eyepatch, and gold teeth. It's only fitting.

Or how about buying allergy medicine? My wife has severe allergies and it seems I have to buy her more almost once a week.


How my nosy neighbors see it:


With just one Claritin D, I can keep the neighborhood kids hooked for a full week!

Hell, I bet they even judge me when I'm grocery shopping.


How my nosy neighbors see it:


That's a catchy slogan. I should trademark that!

I also have a wife who comes and goes at all times of day.


But the neighbors don't see a brown woman coming and going that way...



And this, of course, is just more of their narrowminded bullshit. Besides, I've tried begging her for a Bill Cosby, and she still won't cave in. :(

So even though I'm your typical reclusive writer, who only lets his pale skin see the sunlight when he has to run tiny errands, the neighbors see me as the neighborhood drug factory. For my overactive imagination, it's highly amusing. And for business, well, it's really irritating... because how hard is it to sell crack-cocaine to children when there's all these meth rumors floating about?

(Don't worry, they love buying "Uncle Bryan's Smokeable Candy" from their hero, Lamborghini Batman)

Cheers,
Bryan

Music: Andrew Jackson Jihad
Beer: Fat Tire


72 comments:

  1. Nanananana Lambo Batman!

    For an extra $100,000 I'll make your car look like batman's

    Cardboard body kit coming right up

    Since you are married to a Mexican, are you thinking about expanding into the illegal immigrant business?

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  2. I charge a lot more than $20.00 for a Crusty Tarantula, but then again I work the streets in D.C. and those white boy's like their whores like they like they're haircuts, overpriced.

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  3. Has someone been watching "Breaking Bad"?

    If so, it's awesome... right?

    If not... why the hell not?

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  4. Those McDonald's hiring managers are a bunch of reprehensible cocksuckers. Take a dump in one lousy fryer, and they brand you for life.

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  5. I think my nana is one of your neighbours. Can you tell her that we miss her? Just write it and put it out with the trash, she'll find it.

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  6. Man, I remember when $20 would pay for an Alabama Slamdance with enough left over for a Buffalo Kaleidoscope the next day. I miss middle school.

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  7. I started laughing with your unemployment uniform and still haven't stopped. Are those sweat stains under your arms? lol... and then the pant-less Batman brother-in-law was really intense too.

    Glad you enjoy the freakish attitudes of your neighbours rather than getting frustrated by them - I'm not sure I would be so cool.

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  8. That's so weird. I also did a Lambo Batman post today, though I have no connection to the real deal, but I do focus on the crotch much as you seemed to.
    Isn't a Bill Cosby when she wears an ugly sweater and licks Jell-o Puddin' off your naughty bits while someone named Rudy cries in the corner?

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  9. You know, I think that being a reclusive shut in could also help fuel the meth lab rumours.

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  10. Jesus christ, I simply am not manwhore enough to wrap my mind around all the tighty-whities in this post, bro.

    Yet I AM manwhore enough to go commando in black khakis 25/8. So sexy I gotta make a whole new day and hour simply to encapsulate all that freeballin'.

    Commando PRO, yo. 2mlg4u.

    Meh, by now you'd think you guys would be used to asshole neighbors, yah? I mean, the skankubus alone should've toughened your soul up to the rest of this shit.

    Straight talk m'man, no filler. I don't know where the hell y'all moved to, but I'm glad I ain't there. Sure I'd share yer pain witcha...but that many crazy white people, the last thing you need is one more brownskin, and as aggressive and intimidating as >I< am it wouldn't help out the whole drug dealer image any.

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  11. Funny you should mention your racist neighbors. I've got racist neighbors across the street as well as racist future parents-in-law a couple of blocks away. But when I walk down the isle with my Bollywood Beauty come September 2012, I'll remember what her parents really think of my tone of skin, and I'll know they've been praying for a miracle and to have the Lord turn into a member of (what they think of as) the Indian master race - it's a members only club, you know and I'm an intruder. Well, I guess shit happens, right?

    O and that's a great bat suit. So much better than the one Clooney used to wear...

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  12. sorry Bryan. Just awful. Stereotyping is such a pain. You got to ignore these nimwits, send some hoodie men with skittles and ice tea, they will forget about you. my uncle is like your neighbour, he is an idiot, so anyone who has money is always a smuggler or drug dealer.

    Once your book becomes a best seller all these rumors will go away and you will be drug lord for real ;). Ask your wife to be careful while cooking though. When brown people fix roof for pennies no one has issues when they roam in bat mobile then children, immigration,drugs,safety and all sort of concerns popup

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  13. Uncle Bryan's candy is the best in town...er...or so I'm told.

    People are ridiculous but speculation and people watching is a long honored suburban past time that is going nowhere fast. I actually got "flagged" a while back when buying allergy medicine in bulk on a good sale day. Yeah...apparently my sneezing, water eyes, and runny nose make me the perfect person to attempt making meth...I'm pretty sure it's a dangerous chemical mixture whose process is best kept far away from my bumbling hands...but apparently I'm being "watched" now. Oh well...such is life.

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  14. Hhahaha I can't believe you and pickleope both blogged about batman today. Was there a memo going around that i missed?

    Also, racist people are assholes. Sorry you live by them.

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  15. This is too funny. I laughed through most of it.

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  16. So McDonalds won't hire you because you are slinging rocks? That's discrimination man! Sue the bastards!

    Nice tighties! Especially the batman ones! Gonna have to get me some of those!

    I live in the country and my closest neighbor is at least 300 yards away... they still manages to stop by and call me white trash! They drive past my house and gaze upon it in disgust! The fact that there are children's toys in the yard makes us the scum of the rural community!

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  17. Bring your Meth industry here to Bagwine, Ohio. You would be thought of more highly than your Romney-like neighbors think of themselves. Cheers Bryan!!

    Matt-Man

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  18. Gahhhh... not exactly the image I want burned into my mind first thing in the morning. lol.

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  19. Can't...get..that..image...out...of.....my...mind! Why God? WHY?!

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  20. So glad I found your blog. Loved the "Mexican by Association". You are hilarious.

    From my racist red-necked neighbor, I got asked, "So, (sucks teeth and spits) what are you? One of dem I-talians or a Rican or somethin'?"

    My response: "Or something..."

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  21. Thanks for the break from A to Z, it's eating my brain. no, maybe it's your blog that's eating my brain. No, maybe...Ah hell something's eating my brain. Can't ya tell.

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  22. LOL I will never get the site of that batman out of my head, you just ruined batman for me, thanks a lot..hahaha....nosey neighbors, especially racist ones are such a pain in the butt. But it can be amusing if you don't take it too seriously, which doesn't sound like you do.

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  23. Dude, you're lucky it's just your neighborhood. Delaware's the second-smallest state in the union, and even though we're 4th-smallest in population, that population is denser than the less-populated ones, so EVERYONE's nose is in everyone else's business. The Sussex County rumor mill is IN-freakin'-sane.

    ...but easily manipulated. Teehee

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  24. you guys are looking super snazzy in your semi-coordinated thong costumes. definitely drug dealers cuz you're clearly cracked out.

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  25. "Robin doesn't even want to be Robin." Very true!

    Your neighbors should try coming down to Miami, where my town is filled with Cubans and Colombians and everybody has the habit of speaking in Spanish to each other.

    (I bet they won't even make it off the damn Boeing at Miami International Airport. "Screw this, I'm gettin' on the next flight back to join that Meth dealer! He's gotta be safer than everyone here!")

    -Barb the French Bean

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  26. My nosey neighbor thinks I'm a drug addict because I lost my job due to Migraines...this from a woman who sits with her husband in lawn chairs, in their garage, yes their garage, all day long, drinking Pabst. Ewww!

    I love "brown by association". I guess that's what I was with my first husband LOL

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  27. I'll assume that Lambo Batman is going to be a regularly recurring character.

    He might deserve his own page.

    I'm CERTAIN your neighbors like your wife and brag to their friends that they aren't racist and "In fact, we have one of them living right next door to us! They are a very family-oriented people, the chicanos..."

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  28. I see your Lamborgini Batman and I like it. I hope one day my Eke batman and your Lamborgini batman can duel it out. Or fight spider monkey crime.

    Or, like, hug and shit.

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  29. You are hilarious! Loved this post. Probably not as much to be living it, though.

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  30. When the bat signal is on your taint, does that mean fighting crime, or jock itch?

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  31. I lol'd at gluten free meth. But there'so something about your neighbors, that even under this comedic light, pisses me off. I say you go to their house and offer them a bag of sugar. For the giggles, you know? It's rude not to accept a gift!

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  32. Hah! That image will be permanently etched into my mind. Forever. Redundantly.

    Also, jock itch is too scared to mess with Batman.

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  33. My neighbors can't really judge since I've already judged them to be worthless white trash that drink and smoke all day and run an illegal day care, but if they were to judge me, I think they'd call me an alcoholic whore. I prefer people to come to my place to hang out (because I'm like Howard Hughes sometimes), so my friends (which are 99% dudes and the one token girl friend to bitch to about the dudes) come over a lot. I provide a lot of beer/hard booze/wine, so I'm always carrying in paper bags of boozy goodness. My friends proceed to get drunk and sleep in my spare bedroom or on the couch. Then they wake up and leave at all hours of the night/morning. I can only imagine what my neighbors think.....Also, what my parents think. I'm almost 30 and still living like I did when I was twenty. *hangs head in shame*

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  34. You should give them a reason to be suspiscious. You can actually start cooking (baking?) meth. That'll show them right? ... Right?

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  35. Is your wife a gluten free prostitute? That's a new niche I hear.

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  36. As long as they don't cause me any real issues, I love judgmental neighbors.

    I am a single dad with a teenage daughter, which means I have young teenage girls in and out of my house all the time. They are here to visit with my daughter, not me, but the neighbors don't realize that. Not that they ever asked.

    I make sure to always meet the girls at the door and invite them in so the neighbors peeking through the windows can see it.

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  37. You just need to put a sofa or recliner in the front of the house and then watch the fun...

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  38. Maybe you should offer to pay her more?

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  39. Laughed my ass off over the facial and body hair on Lamborghini Batman! "My people" sure are hairy, speaking of which in my neighborhood I have only seen 2 other brown families. We are all within yards from the same intersection.

    Unfortunately one is a cliché and embarrasses the hell out of me. I don't know how many people live in that one household, but they have "Chingos" (a lot) of cars parked in the drive way, by the curve and on the opposite side of the street too! It's like a car lot and every evening their garage is open and there are gatherings of folks drinking beer.

    Perhaps I am jealous I've never been invited over for a brew! May be it's my white husband that keep away the invitations! Just like White people think you are brown by association, Brown people think because you marry white you are a "wannabe white"!

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  40. You guys are effin' hilarious! I'm honoring you with the KREATIV BLOGGER AWARD! Go to my blog to see your name, then follow (or ignore) The Kreativ Blogger award rules: 1. You must thank the person who has given you the award. 2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. 3. Link the person who has nominated you for the award. 4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting. 5. Nominate 7 other Kreativ Bloggers. 6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate. 7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs to let them know they have been nominated.

    Congrats guys. Keep up the excellent work!

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  41. bwhahahah.... Thats awesome!! Kick a neighbor for being so retarded, just sayin!!

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  42. I cannot even begin to imagine what my neighbors think about me! I live in a well off neighborhood(the house two doors down is a freaking mansion that I'm trying to decide the best way to rob).

    Anyway--I live with my best friend, who happens to be gay. He is also married. He is also in an open marriage. People tend to assume that we are married. He tends to have guys over to the house when I'm not home.

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  43. But, your neighbors appear to adhere rigorously to a conscientious regimen of dental hygiene. So, it's not all bad.
    Still, they should give serious consideration to getting some fingers.

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  44. I've got nosy neighbours as well...nothing happens in my street without it being tweeted, facebooked, gossiped about...
    Seriously when we moved in by the time I had the internet back up and running we both had 20+ friend requests from our new neighbours...it was a little scary.

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  45. my neighbour has a hot girlfriend with wat seems to be purple hair. im okay with this. as for robin, the robin from the adam west batman seemed to like being robin. imo

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  46. You're right, Robin then became Nightwing. And then the next guy became Robin and the Joker killed him

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  47. I have that same unemployment uniform. My bosses stopped allowing me to wear it to work though. I was just dressing for the job I wanted... assholes. Have a good night, Robin!

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  48. Yeow. Racism sucks. So does having Lamborghini Batman crotch in my head.

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  49. Thank God someone finally said it. You're Batman Jr.

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  50. You make meth I can actually tolerate. I knew you came into my life for a reason. I mean, there are no coincidences. First time's free, right? That's what I've heard. Don't be stingy.

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  51. Haha love that! At least you can make amazing posts from your neighborly experiences.

    What is up with anon promo guy above me?

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  52. LOL LAMBORGHINI underwear nice

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  53. So, back on the couch again for drawing your gorgeous wife as a prostitute? I think it is a good thing she really loves you lol

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  54. LOL @ Healthy, organic, vegetable based meth.

    The others? Definitely drug dealer.

    Made the mistake of looking up the bill cosby, definitely don't want to know what the others are now.

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  55. Those plastered smiles from the neighbors scare the crap out of me. Sort of like workers from the IRS.

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  56. Wow, this is probably the first post by you that pisses me off. Are people that racist down there? Seriously? Seriously? Ugh...

    I would be plotting my revenge right now. No one disrespects my significant other. No one.

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  57. The Bill Cosby involves Jello Pudding Pops, doesn't it? =(

    So not only did the car dealership throw in the costume, but free mental trauma for the rest of us. And people say that car dealers are all crooks!

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  58. Gotta love the Lamborghini underwear. The Alabama Slamdance sounds like fun :)

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  59. you totally got that batman bit from the real life batman guy whos rich and entertains kids/sick

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  60. The Bill Cosby gets weird.... there is uncomfortable touching and lots of inappropriate conversation..... and then even some "exposing of genitals"??? Not a fan!!!

    Sincerely,
    The female staff writers for The Cosby Show

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  61. No pants batman! Man, I've missed you guys! I won't ramble too long, I know you've got some meth to brew :)

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  62. hey, i read about that Lambo Batman! Yours is sexier though.
    When we moved into our house over 25 yrs ago, some of our neighbors gossiped about us being hippies and potheads. All of this because hubby used to have long hair, and made some bad choices in his younger days. Turns out the neighbors had worse skeletons in their closets!

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  63. neighbors are writing gems and social disturbances. you should go breaking bad on their asses and get a fog machine and make the smoke shoot out of your windows....

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  64. I was hoping your freaky neighbours would come up again in a post! They make for some comedy gold.

    And I know those kind of people with fake plastered smiles. All the people in student affairs at my uni are like that, and it's SUPER annoying. I guess it's part of their job description..

    Now please go put some pants on.

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  65. The best way to stop being known as a drug dealer is to stop dealing drugs.

    Awesome post. Had me in hysterics at least three times.

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  66. Hey you are probably giving some junkies out there the bad idea how to concoct meth, eh? But this was a hysterical relief for quite a long day in the office. I'm saving you in my favorites.

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  67. Great blog mates! Hey I wonder if there's any car dealership that trades in that whopping black car up there? It sure is not at the used cars tameside, I hope to find it any where please? Cheers!

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