Monday, April 23, 2012

Shameless: The Life of Bryan

I've been watching the television show Shameless a lot (the US version), and if you haven't seen it, it's a fantastic show. But it's also reminded me just how shameless of a human being I really am.

See, it's no secret that I'm an unemployed writer. It's also no secret that I want to be a full time writer, and in order to achieve that, I'm willing to stave off gainful employment for as long as I can until writing can pay the bills and be more than just something my mother pretends not to be embarrassed about.



And so, even though I'm unemployed, I'm still pulling in money, through methods that I will not pretend to be anything but shameless. The following are those methods.

1. I will absolutely write college essays for money.

Let's not pretend that writing your average college essay is anything other than a complete waste of time. And this is coming from a writer.

Like, for example, a girl majoring in business who has a history class where she's required to write a 10 page paper... about the Oregon Constitution. Yeah, that's sure gonna help her do well in business. Thankfully, for whatever they're willing to spend (this girl in particular gave me $100), I can chew out a paper like that in an afternoon, thanks to my writing skills and my good friend the Internet.


Later, in the professor's office...




2. I pretend to have diabetes.

What can I say?--We fat Americans are getting diabetes more now than ever, and because of it, companies that make things like glucose monitors want to stay at the head of the pack. So they find people to test their products. And while I don't actually have "the diabeetus", I do fully test their products... I just don't tell them that my readings are always normal. They just want to know how well it functions and if it's user friendly, anyway. And hey, if I ever do get "the diabeetus", I'll know literally the moment it happens! Win/win!


3. I pretend to smoke and chew tobacky.

Those wonderful cancer stick companies are always coming up with new products ways to kill you, and are always looking for people to test them out to make sure they're as addictive and poisonous as possible. So I test all of their new products for them and give them my honest opinion. Did I say test honestly? I meant I just throw it in the garbage, blow smoke up their asses (pun completely intended), and then gladly take the big tobacco companies' money. Yeah, I'm not losing any sleep over this one.

Thank God I don't really smoke or chew, though. Could you imagine that?


4. I pretend I'm still an IT Admin.

In my former employed life, I was a Systems Administrator. After all, I do have a Bachelors Degree in Information System Security. I hated every minute of it. However, big IT companies are always looking for opinions from IT Admins and are willing to pay big bucks for it. A few times a week I do video conferences or conference calls with these IT companies, and while there's the little white lie about my actually being an "IT Admin" or "employed," I do give them a real opinion on their product from someone who's familiar with the technology and the industry.





5. I take online surveys for money.

Online surveys are difficult and annoying because they only want certain demographics who use certain products. If you don't meet those requirements, then you get kicked out and don't get paid, which is about 90% of the time. I wouldn't recommend these things to anyone. However, what I've done over the years is learned, like a puzzle, how to read into each survey and figure out exactly which demographic they're looking for and which product they're testing... so that I succeed and get paid every time.







So if you'll excuse me, I have to nurse my black baby and test my blood sugar while smoking a cigarette on a conference call with IBM. It's all in a day's work around here.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: Hoodie Allen
Beer: Amberbock

P.S. A good friend of ours is using a Kickstarter to fund the marketing of his book. Marketing in the book world is really, really hard, and at the very least, you should check out the sample of his book, which is on the page. It's really good.

Scott Lininger - Guesswork

74 comments:

  1. Reminds me of a poem I liked during my childhood, goes like this, for the writer who lost his life to dies ease because he couldn't afford medication and healthy food, people are spending millions to build a memorial shrine.
    This is sad, all writers from future ( who can think ahead of their times ) always had obstacles. Rag to rich stories most of time has writers than musicians. You both are very talented individuals, don't give up hope.

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  2. BTB can you refer me to couple of jobs there, sounds not so bad, especially the cancer one?

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  3. As an unemployed blogger who doesn't have Adsense, I've found that just standing on a streetcorner in a short skirt and a low cut blouse can net me thousands of dollars a night. I make a little extra on the side from testing STD kits and I always say they come out negative. Think about it. An hour on your back is worth more than 40 on your feet.

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  4. Hahahah I LOVE shameless. These are stellar ideas. I may have to try the survey one myself..

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  5. I would suggest adsense but... Haha what a joke! It might get you $.02 a day...if you're lucky!

    Anne has a good idea. Just whore yourself out for cash!

    I've tried the online survey thing... didn't even make it through the first survey. Seemed like a lot of work for just a couple bucks!

    I just tuck my tail between my legs and go to work in a manufacturing factory for shit pay!

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  6. The drawing under number two is *totally* what you are going to look like in 50 years. :P

    Maybe I should start watching "Shameless" so I can buck up and start earning cash without any qualms. Thanks for the tips!

    -Barb the French Bean

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  7. Hmmm... I think I may take up some of these ideas to make some extra cash. Especially the pregnant black woman one. lol.

    P.S. Super cool buff sunglasses Jesus. lol.

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  8. Fantastic career coaching here. I'd add that to your repertoire.

    Thanks for the insightful tips!

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  9. Truth be told, I'm a little envious. I always wanted a city job, now I have one and it sucks. You milk big tobacco and the survey companies for all they've got. Do it for all of us.

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  10. Now I know what to do if I need to quit my day job... thanks Anne! Kidding! I think you make a great diabeetus patient.

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  11. This sounds like a brilliant way of duping companies out of money. Let me know where I can find these paid surveys.

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  12. well you at least admit to being shameless!! that counts.

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  13. That mom's deflated boob may give me nightmares. Also is your mom's Jesus statue wearing sunglasses?
    I didn't know that survey thing was legit. Also, I need some quick cash. If I eat sacks of brownies and legitimately get diabetes, can you hook me up with Wilford?

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  14. Whatever it takes to chase your dream!

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  15. LMAO oh how I wish I could do such things. It would be nice to quit the job and just write, but most of that stuff isn't available in Canada and I'm to nervous to go back to gambling..haha

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  16. Very creative... I guess that's why you're a fiction writer! :)

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  17. These are all very good ways to make some extra money. Have you done the whole "sell your plasma" thing? That's pretty popular among my friends.

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  18. Hey, there's no shame in any of that. It's just making the most of the resources available to you.

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  19. lmfao the truth of taking online surveys. i lie on evryone. and dont even read the questions most of the times

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  20. To think I considered myself shameless for quitting my job in Marketing/Public Relations to clean toilets once a week, so I could stay home and spend my time writing. I'm feeling really good about my choices now.. Thanks Bryan!!

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  21. ::laughs:: I tried taking those on-line surveys before. They're long and aggravating and I just don't have the patience to compare 50 thousand (that's an accurate number) potential product labels. I would randomly pick answers just to make them go by faster.

    And hey, at least you're trying to make some cash instead of just pumping out babies for the state to pay for. Maybe you could snatch some 'homeless' kids and put them on your tax forms. That'd help, right?

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  22. you evil survey gaming bastard. No wonder I never get calls back when I sign up for those.

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  23. AWESOME. I do some of these things (product test and surveys) and I'm not even unemployed. Hope I'm not edging in on yer game. ;)

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  24. I've been thinking of watching Shameless for ages, but I just never get around to it. Not sure if I wanna watch the US version or the UK one though.

    That essay writing idea is excellent. I'm also thinking of making some quick bucks online to help me out when I start college again. At first I was gonna sell handmade things online, but now I'm like "fuck it", I will help college kids cheat instead. I love writing essays, and can copy from Wikipedia like a pro. So thanks for the idea!

    Hey, you gotta be shameless in this world, or else people will just crap on your head and fly away (a proverb provided by my parents, but I think they were referring to pigeons)

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  25. I think if I could find someone willing to pay me for it I'd probably write college essays for people. I didn't want to do the whole survey thing though because point A) you have trouble getting in to them sometimes like you said and B) I hate giving my details away like that. I don't want to end up on infinite mailing and calling lists. I'm on enough as it is.

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  26. that hoot on the nursing woman is very disturbing. and tubular.

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  27. I have never seen the show Shameless; I'll have to look for it. Kudos to you for breaking the survey code. I never got paid for anything so I gave it up!

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  28. I have gotten away with not working since I am still technically a student. I would love to write full time as well. I need to find ways to make that extra money.

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  29. I can't watch the Yank version of "Shameless", probably because I live an episode of it every time my family gets together.

    This post just made me realize that with my brother going back to school that I'm going to charge his ass for editing his papers from now on. THANKS, BRYAN!

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  30. Did you know your Mom's Jesus looks kinda like the roach in The Beans blog? SCARY.

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  31. Well you might be selling your (real or fake) opinions, but at least you're not selling yourself. Or your soul!

    ...oh wait...guess i don't know about that last one.

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  32. This. Was. Awesome.

    You made my afternoon, my friend. Thank you.

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  33. If you're really interested in making some fast cash I know quite a few gentleman on Craigslist who would love to spend an afternoon with you.

    You're going to have to dress up as the black, lactating chick while you're with them though.

    But that shouldn't be a problem, right?

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  34. Well, if it helps, I can't wait to read the next book...

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  35. "the diabeetus" - when I read that, I heard his flipping voice in my head. What ever happened to his commercials anyway...I haven't seen them in awhile. Hmmm.

    So, let me see, I have to actually work to make a buck? This doesn't seem at all right to me. I think I could crank out a college paper or two for some kids. Adsense rejected my new blog already, online surveys sound like a PITA...

    Maybe Anne's idea is best, I'll just become a whore LOL

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  36. Whatever works to bring in that cash so you don't have to do a nine to five. Me, I just stayed married. :)

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  37. And here I am going to work everyday, in an office, reading blogs whe n could be testing all kindsa products too. dayum! :: cough cough ::

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  38. First, Shameless is indeed an awesome show.

    Second, genius. I'm going to take this post and turn it into tips and take it seriously. YES.

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  39. LOL so try I did the same thing when i took surveys

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  40. Ha! Good stuffs!

    From my perspective . . .

    Music: Beatles ('A Hard Day's Night')
    Beer: Left Hand Brewing Company's 'Milk Stout'

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  41. Oh, incidentally, there was a point in the 1980s where I became so burned-out from "punching a clock" that I too attempted to earn my living wages through "other means".

    I took the job pretty seriously, convinced that if I concentrated I could really make a go of it. My job? Horse Player at Hollywood Park.

    I'd go every morning and place my bets. Then I'd go to my friend General Poohregard's house to drink beer all day. At night, I'd study the Daily Racing Form to find my bets for the following day.

    Next morning, drive to Hollywood Park, collect my winnings from the day before, place my new bets, drive to Pooh's for beer, etc., etc.

    After about 6 weeks of being a Horse Player at Hollywood Park I was "punching a clock" again.

    I suspect that some of the horses I bet on during that period in my life are STILL running for the finish line.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  42. Ah, yeah, well, I know all about the busy-ness. I'll try to email today or tomorrow with my idea. Sounds like you could use it :)

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  43. Oh wow, you were a sysadmin? No wonder you don't want to go back to that, it's an absolute nightmare.

    I almost feel bad laughing at these posts, but I tell myself that we're just laughing -with- you... right?

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  44. I'm not even going to try to compete with that.lol Totally hilarious.

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  45. You really should watch the UK Shameless, the original Frank (assuming his name is Frank in your version too) is in a class of his own.
    Albeit a very low class.

    I always wondered if anyone ever made any money from those surveys, seemed like an awful lot of time for very little reward to me. Now I know I was right.

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  46. Online surveys fer cash! Rednecks (that frequently read your blog) everywhere... just started Google searching that like crazy!

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  47. Shameless! Yeah, I do the surveys and lie, too. What can I say? It's cash. And I'm all about screwing over tobacky companies. You can do surveys on Swagbucks, too, but you don't get cash, you get gift cards for certain places. I make a killing on Amazon GC's.

    Responding to your comment here: I'm glad we at least got to say hello. I'll definitely try to make your Write Brain and possibly actually carry on a conversation, gasp! Too bad you guys couldn't stick around for Poor Richard's tonight.

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  48. I am going to say that 37% of that is true but 100% awesome. You guys never let me down when I read your posts.

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  49. I would donate blood but they ask too many damn questions.

    I haven't seen the US version of Shameless, but I have been a long time fan of the UK version.

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  50. Hmm,thanks for the ideas for some extra income. :)

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  51. We all gotta make ends meet. I would write essays if people would hire me.

    I've actually never gotten higher than B in an English class throughout my entire college career...

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  52. I wish my brother, who wants to sell a novel, would figure this shit out. Right now it's selling comics and leaning on my parents.

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  53. As funny as this was - it's kind of neat that you can pull all this off. I would bluff my way through anything to make a few dollars if I could.

    And by the way, your sock-tits are awesomely funny! Couldn't stop laughing!

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  54. I suggest sleep studies...those are super fun.

    Blood & bodily fluid donations...the people you meet in those lines are desperate for money at all and are super awesome...networking is NOT over rated!

    I hear that if you are going to test chew that you can also test snapple bottles, wawa cups, water bottles, and other portable "spittoons" for efficiency as well thus doubling your money making options all at once. Just a thought!

    Cannot wait to hear about the conference!!

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  55. Anyone that can hustle a dollar is a welcome friend of mine!

    And way to get those evil tobacco companies!

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  56. More power to you, if it helps before the big break then I say it's lying but genius lying!

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  57. Totally shameful!!! Liar liar - pants on fire!! I absolutely lurv it!

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  58. I can't thank you enough for this post, Bryan. I now plan to quit my job and leap into this financial potluck of lies.

    I am also requesting that Brandon draft his shameless secrets. Por Favor.

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  59. Ha! I SO want to go check out that Wiki page. Too funny.
    Looking forward to hearing about your experience at the writer's conference. I'm starting to shop around for a summer conference retreat--where to go? Hmmm. ;)

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  60. Damn, you are one crazy ass dude. When you get as bad as Frank Gallagher, then you have gone too far. Take care...

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  61. I liked ALL your examples but my favorite is the Oregon constitution. A friend of mine worked w/ Brimley on a Tv show in the mid -Eighties. He said he was the biggest trump in the world & totally typecast. I was bummed because I loved him in "Cocoon" & "The Natural". Hey! Were you even born yet?

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  62. Ahh the things you gotta be to survive! (2 empty socks danglin' in my blouse! is the best line!!)

    I hope you guys make it and get paid to do what you love! But don't forget to remember all the bad stuff that happens as you try and make it! You'll need insperation when your millionairs living on yachts!

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  63. Lying is evil, evil is part of life. I read it in a book sometime, i swear!

    Ahem, now to my next order of business...
    HOW ARE YOUR POSTS SO ENTERTAINING!?! SUFGOUHFVOUGHWERG. Love it!

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  64. Do you do surveys on mturk? Good way to make a couple bucks if you're bored lol. Definitely not a job replacement though. Writing those college essays LOL

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  65. These money-making suggestions are great. I'm definitely going to stop reading trendy teen novels and start making some effing money!

    LMAO about the credibility of Wikipedia ... Oregon totally sucks balls? Butt-fucked your mom? Oh man...too funny. And Wilford makes me laugh whenever I see his ads for 'the diabeetus' lol... you nailed that one Bryan!

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  66. I fill out those surveys every week. The money has really started to add up. I am even thinking about buying a chocolate bar with my earnings tomorrow.

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  67. Can't imagine people have to pay for guinea pigs now...

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  68. "Grump" not "trump". I hats auto -correct.

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  69. Ha reminds me of high school -I was such a big nerd that I used to write essays for all my sister's friends (who were in college!). No internet then, mind you. Sadly, they were all ridiculously hot and I used to write them for the measly price of a kind word and a pat on the head.

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  70. I laughed pretty hard at the Oregon one

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  71. How about selling that "jetpack" you tested a few weeks ago? You should be able to make something off of that.

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  72. brilliant, I am taking this as literal advise. I can fake the diabeetus and throw in altzheimers!!

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