Thursday, April 12, 2012

Have Product, Will Test

         A lot of bloggers get free products to test out, so long as they write a review on their blog. Whether it's things like baby toys, hair care products, or work out equipment, free shit is being handed out all across the blogosphere to test and review. Now, I don't think I have to tell you that we love all things free, which left us to wonder: where's our free shit?
         So last week, we (drunkenly) signed up for any and every free thing we could find. And amazingly, one of them responded and sent us a very big, very cool package with a product to test out. However, there's only one problem... neither of us have any idea what the fuck it is.
       




         Now I know what you're thinking, just read the instruction manual. But as your typical males, we threw that away the moment we got it, because we don't like being told what to do.
         We figured it wouldn't be too hard to decipher what this thing's function was, so I (Bryan) put it to the test first, to find out... well, what it was I was supposed to be testing.




After that, Brandon noticed that the the bong thing hooks up to a little heater reservoir, so I wondered if it was an actual bong. And while I'm not big on the mary-juana, I figured if it's in the name of science (and free shit), I'd better test it.




Don't worry, the reason I was acting like that wasn't because I was high, it was because I was sucking so hard on the funnel that I cut off the air supply to my brain. Turns out that if it IS a heated bong, it's not a very good one.


At that point, I said fuck it and decided to just try out the jet pack (or maybe that was the beer and weed talking).



*** 10 GLORIOUS SECONDS LATER ***



At that point, I was all out of ideas, so I turned things over to Brandon and let him have a look.

Judging from all the bone marrow dripping all over the place, I knew Bryan was approaching this all entirely wrong. Once I was finally able to get my hands on it, I knew exactly what the thing was...






And that's how Brandon earned his third skin graft. In fact, were he not currently comatose, he'd probably tell you that the last time he'd seen such a dangerously impressive display of suction power was when he once hitched a ride on the tour bus of the Women's Flautist Club of America.

So ultimately, neither of us know what the fuck this thing is. But whatever it is, it's a terrible bong, it's not a super spy listening device, and it's definitely not a jet pack. Mayhaps we'll never know.



Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Aerosmith (from the days when Steven Tyler was still respectable)
Beer: Colorado Native

78 comments:

  1. Around that picture I was screaming , Brandon that goes on your nipples not on your ears. And I believe product review company made a very good choice by choosing you both to write a review about breastpump - the chief member of "I hate kids" club.
    Darn funny.
    When will they learn? They cant ask a feminist to write a review about Porn movie and cant ask a guy or guy-in-transistion to write a review about "Sex and the city" atleast before pre-op.
    Were you able to "milk" some money from this?

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  2. Ahahaha, having a mother that works in the Labor and Delivery Unit of a major hospital I didn't even need the second picture to realize what those were. Oh boys. Silly silly boys. Is it sexist of me to wonder why you didn't stick your {Use your imagination} in there?

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  3. What have you done? My hubby is looking for breastpump in home, you have given whole new meaning to "mutlipurpose" for this product. What is wrong with you guys? This is sacrilege. TSA guys cant restrict bongs now, can they?

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  4. Lmao! Oh the things you can do with a breast pump! This was just plain hilarious!

    My wife has one laying around somewhere...I just might try to convert it into a bong! You may not be into the mary-juana but I sure am! Now I just need to move to Denver where dispensaries are on every street corner!

    Great post guys! Made my day!

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  5. HAHAHAHA! Holy crap! You should have hooked that up to your junk...I mean boobs! Who in the hell gives 2 guys a breast pump to review? I was laughing so hard when I saw that pic!

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  6. Hook it up to your real brain...electric pump...it'll be like a cow milking shed!

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  7. Excellent. I'd really like to know how you got companies to send you free stuff. Did you just email them and say "hey, I'll review your products".

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  8. LMAO oh that was good. But who in their right mind would give two guys a breast pump to review..hahahaha...Well you prove products have many different uses at least..haha

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  9. haha, OK my favourite part were the t-shirt slogans tho! I wish I would get free stuff, I would actually attempt to do some decent writing ?!

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  10. Who knew that breast pumping stuff could be so freakin dangerous??

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  11. Back in college, I went through a "I wonder if I could stick my dick in that" phase.

    Now, I'm wondering all over again...

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  12. Oh dear I'm going to make a totally incompetent mother. I had no idea that was a breast pump. As a woman- a knocked up one at that- I feel like I should have known this instinctively or something.

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  13. Yeah it's for sucking breast milk out of a woman and putting it into a bottle. I'm not sure why they would send it to you. I want free shit.

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  14. You guys totally missed your chance to do a blind breast milk taste test bu luring lactating women in to sample the product for you. I'm disappointed, or perhaps I'm disturbed.

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  15. A bonus post about breast pumps... never thought I'd see that day at ABFtS. Oh, the wonderful world of marketing!

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  16. Haha.... one of your best posts yet! I totally didn't know what it was until the last picture explained it so nicely. Sooooo funny! I think for the sake of the review you should totally try it as it's meant to be used - I'm sure you would both look cute with it attached to your ummmmmm.... breasts.

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  17. You have just reconfirmed the fact that I never want children. Did you use them like sticky gecko feet and attempt to climb up the side of a building? That's what I would have thought.

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  18. Use it like Lost in Idaho uses his freebies - stick your pecker in it.

    Awesome drawings as always :)

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  19. I am torn right now between requesting pics of you testing it the right way, and demanding it. Sensitive nips anyone?

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  20. Hahahhaha a breast pump? Awesome. Well, I think you guys should see if either of you can lactate...

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  21. I would have never guessed a breast pump

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  22. That's hysterical. I'd use it on fruit. You know, put some fork holes in a pineapple or something and hook it up. Fresh juice!

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  23. Yipes. My wife is currently nursing, so I'd recognize one of those at 30 paces I tell you.

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  24. Part of me is wondering why someone would send two males a breast pump, and the other part of me says fuck you for thinking that, B, just enjoy the shit out of this comic. Which I did, thank you.

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  25. Oh, dude! First...laughing so hard I am CRYING! (oh! new text word: LSHIAC!) At least you accept that it is "typical" to not read directions.

    I think the part that really got my eyes streaming was the "cheeto-french fry-pizza-casserole". AWESOME! And the cartoon of Bryan landing. nice.

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  26. I recognized right off that some idiot gave you two a free breast pump to pimp, (unfortunately the two of us are well acquainted) so I couldn't stop laughing throughout the rest of the post!

    BTW, your cartoon/t-shirt slogans are brilliant. You should think about capitalising on some of those!

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  27. It's obviously an anti-defibrillator, it's used if you accidently resuscitate someone. It literally "sucks" the life out of them.

    Hilarious post per usual!

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  28. Clearly, it's a new-fangled twin blood pressure kit, complete with self-exam to see if your blood is low on iron. (Considering that you are picking up bone shards, I suggest that you try this out post-haste.)

    Why apply a twin blood pressure kit for you and your significant other? Because recycling medical supplies is gross.

    -Barb the French Bean

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  29. Instruction manual? We're men, "we don't need no stinking instruction manual"!

    Well, the important thing - when all is said and done and hurt - is that this was "free shit". Let us remember to focus on the silver lining here. Free shit is still FREE shit!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  30. It's a breast pump and can be used as a penis enhancer. Hook that bastard up to your willie and pump away. You'll be 5 inches bigger in 5 minutes. It'll hurt like hell, but no pain, no gain!!

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  31. When I finally saw what it actually was... hahahaha. You guys must test every product from now on! I'll pay for the skin grafts and bone shard surgery... MORE TESTING!

    Also, I think it's time for some cheeto-frenchfry-pizza casserole. For breakfast.

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  32. Bryan your shirt said "test this" then had an arrow pointing downwards, underneath it was text about not reading the instruction manual, so I tested that text. Its passed the test, it is very funny stuff.

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  33. I love that they sent you breast bongs to test. They know you so well.

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  34. What is the jet pack for?
    Who needs a breast pump? I thought it worked like siphoning gas, once you get a flow, the milk just flows until you tie off the nipple. I may not know how child feeding or physiology works.
    And let's be fair, there was never a time when Steven Tyler was respectable. He ties scarfs on the mic stand.

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  35. Thanks for not putting it on your privates. I was completely expecting that!

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  36. lmao....yea good luck with that one and I say go ahead and DONT listen to Libby, just sayin!

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  37. Great t-shirts lol! Yea those probably don't work well on guys :O

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  38. That was hilarious! Once again, you give me the best laugh of the day!

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  39. Hee.
    It was a breast pump.
    *giggles*

    I'm just in that kind of mood.

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  40. That was fabulous, I didn't expect that at all! I loved the slogans on the T's.

    To think I was just bitching about healthcare today....ummm, never mind, you got me topped....

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  41. Oh you guys. You made my good mood even better. I was wondering what it could be.. and then.. after some giggles, some smiles, and some soar cheek issues, I f***ing lol'd. I'm sure your company is very happy to have you give them such an excellent review.

    But yes, free stuff ftw. I remember my first legally free album. That was amazing.

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  42. you should still try it out on your man-hoots. it'll suck your nipple right down the tube til it's fat and long, like a thumb. it might make for some great blackmail pictures later.

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  43. Oh, you are so funny. I spent the whole read wondering what the product could be. LOL

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  44. Yeah, I can see my husband and his brother in their bachelor days trying something like that. As my husband and his brothers both have naturally fed kids, I think they would have known what it was. I totally see how you could transform that into a makeshift beer bong if desperately in need of one and not with in walking distance of a hardware store.

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  45. LMAO,of course I spent the day at the beach and I'm completely fried, so maybe It was that french fry, pizza, cheetos casserole thing. Funny Stuff.

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  46. That's clearly a musical instrument. I know coz I've seen Sting play it.

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  47. I've done this before! Not pump my breasts, no. I tested a product for cash. Certainly not for fun. I got 200 dollars to test a baby bottle for six weeks. My invisible infant was so helpful. I was the best fake mother that ever lived.

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  48. Oh sweet Jesus. I don't think I even want to know! Those red t-shirts are ones that my brother would totally wear, btw. He used to make his own with stencils and spray paint. He made one with an arrow pointing down that said "The Other White Meat."

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  49. I have figured -it- out. Yes, I have; yes, I have! It's amazing, too!
    But I'm not gonna tell you because it's my idea, and I have to figure out how to implement it without you guys knowing.
    heh heh heh

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  50. My Mom said that buying one of those units was the second worst mistake she had ever made. Every time I asked her about the worst mistake she ever made she just laughed and laughed.

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  51. I want free products. I once got hired to be a secret shopper at a bank. I was to go in and take out loans and grade their service.

    I was 16 at the time and not taken very seriously by the loan officers.

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  52. Great, now stoners everywhere are going to start ordering breastpumps to use as bongs.

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  53. Dudes, it is totally reverse airhorns. If you are ever in a loud place and need less noise, just double fist those babies and you'll be able to hear a pin drop.

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  54. I wonder if those people who sent you this free shit, read your blog... like at all (if someone else asked this question already I apologise. A) they don't and are now horified. B)They do and are possibly as twisted as you... (in a good way of course)
    T'was funny...

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  55. B&B,

    My lady parts would like to personally thank you for this post. They feel last photos are an excellent birth control method.

    *shudder*

    Kindest Regards ;)

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  56. That is so funny. I want that pretty fly for an I.T. guy t shirt.

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  57. Hahaha!! This was awesome. I never saw the breast pump coming. The shirt about the next product being tested being "your mom" made me laugh out loud.

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  58. I'm in a meeting and you guys nearly made me burst out laughing.

    Nice try, better luck next time. Try to surprise me with a penis pump next.

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  59. Ahahaha, I can't believe how stupid the people at the company have to be to send two GUYS a breast pump

    And before I saw the second pic I thought it was some sort of personal urine testing kit

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  60. Lol...I did not see that coming. The string in your first pic looked like it could have been a tampon...but a breast pump? Wow. That's awesome.

    I hope you guys get to test more products. Your 'product notes' were too funny!

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  61. The big question remains...............did you two stick it on your nips? Be honest.

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  62. Man!!! I was thinking penis pump the whole time!! I was so close! Oh well I gotta go.... gonna go mail you something now that you are accepting packages....oh ya and totally disregard the ticking of the package.... its supposed to do that!!

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  63. I'm just curious....what's that DVD for? Maybe a little porn while you're watching the dairy farm? It'll give us something to do while the dairy farm is operating.

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  64. I have one of those in the closet...i think i will get it out and wait till wd is asleep and stick it on his ahem and see what happens!

    great post guys!

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  65. Leave it to you two to come up with hilarious ways to implement this device. I've been looking for novel ways to use these things, and now I know to abandon my cause.

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  66. lmao!!!! well when you found out what it was you have to admit you used it AS a breast pump, didn't you?

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  67. It looks to me like you have yourself an electric masturbator. you put your junk in and when your done you put the outcum in one of those little bottles. It was only a matter of time before we privatised sperm banking.

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  68. I had a similar experience with a wedding gift last year. two friends from Italy came over for the big day carrying this carefully wrapped package in their hand luggage. So after the speeches and food were out of the way they wanted us to open it...which we excitedly did....
    To reveal this spindly, foam/rubber, sun/moon/flower sculpture thing...it looked hideous and just the kind of thing you win at a fairground.
    I was lost for words...

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  69. Okay, you have a basic idea that my mother is a bit touched (I get it from no where strange), but when our dog had puppies, she got milk fever and was unable to nurse the babies. My mother had a brain storm about how TO MILK OUR DOG to bottle feed the puppies, and one of her ideas did involve a breast pump.

    (I love how even Brandon's skull has stubble. Nice attention to detail, gents.~)

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  70. You should ask Steve. His name is on it!

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  71. Breast Pump???

    Kind of par for the course for guys to review, eh?

    However, just think of the great pecs you'll be able to develop while use that thing. :D

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  72. That's too damn funny - you'd think that the company would look up your bio (and blog) before setting a couple of comical guys on an innocent breast pump!

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  73. Definitely a sign you both don't have children! Neither do I, but the thought of hooking up a machine to my body, without it being medically necessary creeps me out!

    I am also surprised that you guys didn't put your junk in there! Perhaps if you had you would have been tempted to be "extra close" friends by sharing the experience! After all, you had TWO pumps! 8-)

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