Monday, April 16, 2012

Gringo Rap Battle

So, last week Bryan and I got into our first big fight as friends and, being the hyper-masculine men that we are, decided to settle our differences in the most logical way possible. No, there were no exchange of middle fingers. Nor were there fists, nor rock/paper/scissors. We had a rap battle.

Sufficed to say, we have no idea what the fuck we're doing, so we had our good friend Yung Skreezy back to judge the battle and declare the winner.



















And just when things were getting good, Bryan's racist, fake-smiling neighbor just had to butt in (while, of course, watering his terminally yellow grass, which is how he spends at least 1 hour every day).




And so... we have no idea who won. Come to think of it, we don't even know what we were arguing about. So we just said fuck it and decided to laugh about it over a beer. Though, it's kind of odd, because we invited Yung Skreezy to join us... and he never showed. Who knows, maybe he's just too cool to hang out with us whiteys.


Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Cracker Jacks (our new rap supergroup - sounds catchy, right?)
Beer: Modelo

68 comments:

  1. You are pretty fly for an white and IT guy. They didnt shoot the black guy? What was he doing in white people area? That alone qualifies him to be shot at sight with or without hoodie. :)

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  2. The Cracker Jacks is the best possible name for your rap group. Keep up the phat riddims, yo.

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  3. hahahah it's not a party til your racist neighbors show up...

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  4. I also suggest adding a couple of battle scars to complete the "Downtrodden Mogul" ensemble.

    And I just about cracked up with the "uh, is that my cue?" line. XD

    (Seriously, though, it's good that you were able to resolve your dispute as friends. Those are never, ever easy.)

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  5. Bryan won it just for"..you so ugly Kony wouldn't rape you ass if you were Ugandan!"......

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  6. Damn! You guys got rapper skillz...for realz!
    Hard to choose a winner. Let's just say the blog is the winner! Meaning you both win! Although I do give bonus points to Bryan for the saggy pants! lol

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  7. Perfect! I think I'll settle all my fights with hubby this way from now on!

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  8. How did I know the black guy was gonna get arrested. lol. Next time I suggest having a pants off dance off to settle your differences!

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  9. I'm gonna have to say that Bee-Rye took the win on this one. But if this is how you guys settle fights I say fight more often, you know, in the interest of humor.

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  10. That was pretty good. Your own artwork?

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  11. That last rap was absolutely amazing. This is how all people should settle their disputes.

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  12. I would have to say that I think Brandon wins this one. Nothing like finishing your rap battle with "twat".

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  13. Awesome - thanks for the laughs!! This post makes me realize something.... Guys (maybe not all of them) settle disputes with rap battles, laughing it off and drinking beer. Girls (definitely all of them) do not. My last dispute with my BFF was six months ago... we haven't spoken since! :|

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  14. LOL the cat agrees that this is how it should be, rap away and let all the disputes just go away. Even with racist neighbors about at least no one came in second and had to pout.

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  15. Now that you two are rappers, I have a lot more respect for you. I spent all of Easter rapping to my family, using my alter ego, Jayne-Z.

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  16. I demand an audio recording of you two battling it out. My belief is it would be awkward like Mormon sex chat.

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  17. "you want to spank me homie, do I hear it right? Man that rhyme was gayer than Twilight"

    Made me spill my coffee. I'd say I've tried a rap battle but it only comes out as bad poetry.

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  18. Skreezy is probably lucky he wasn't wearing a hoodie.

    They don't bother to arrest black dudes with hoodies.

    Or that's my understanding, anyway. I'm just going by media reports.

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  19. Oh man those rhymes were delightfully painful. Good job? =D

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  20. Who is the winner? We are.

    Wigga please.

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  21. This post was so funny I put some chalk in my shoe,
    Grabbed a paint brush and colored my ball sack blue.

    Am I doing it right?
    Anyway, hilarious rhymes.

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  22. A Beer for the Shower Clan ain't nuttin ta f*** with!
    If you call your super group that, you have to invite Uncle Kracker. Unfortunately, since there was no beat, I have to assume this was all slam poetry.

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  23. Just don't give up your day job!

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  24. untouchable like Oprah's inner thighs...thanks for that mental image LMAO

    I used to worry when my teenage boys broke out in rock/paper/scissors and then that became a rap battle with no clear winner but now, I'm no longer concerned - they don't have gold caps..

    =)

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  25. Is your neighbor George Zimmerman?

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  26. You see that? Once again we find that fists, middle fingers, rock/paper/scissors, and even words are unnecessary when it comes to resolving an argument.

    Once again we find that there ain't nuttin'...

    ...beer can't fix.

    [Two days ago at the Glendale Jazz & Blues Festival, this large young girl took a tumble on the sidewalk right in front of me. After helping her get back on her feet, I pointed to the scrape on her knee and told her, "You better put some beer on that." You see that? When we have beer, we don't even need Windex!]

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  27. You crackers can lay down some smack rap (I was going to try to rap, but I'm too feckin' white. Yeah I'm whiter than you. You wanna make something of it, will do ya? I'll pop a cap in your skinny white ass.) The Kony line was so out there, even know you two I wasn't expecting it. You're so damn classy.

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  28. beer can lead to rock paper scissors, fighting and middle fingers (given enough time)

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  29. You guys better give it up or Eminem will be right over to kick your ass for stepping in to his turf. Not all crackers can rap, but it's nice to know you guys don't let your lack of pigment stop you from dreaming!

    Loved Bryan's rapper getup; sweat stains and all!

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  30. Skreezy's hot.

    What else can I say?
    You bitches fight like two kids at play.
    Cryin' and whinin' when you should be writin',
    Suck it up, and put to good use all that wasted rhymin'.

    That's my surburban mom rap. But so not even close to the awesomeness of your's.ha

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  31. Young Skreezy can be quite polite, when he wants to be! And you guys have mad steez, when is your collab album with Niki and Snoop dropping?

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  32. Wow those rhymes were great! You guys should fight more often!
    And the winner is:
    Your followers! Cause we get to enjoy the work you do!

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  33. This is way cooler than that time I tried to speak in iambic pentameter!

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  34. This definitely beats my lame limericks. Next time I fight with Antonio I'm going to have him rap beat off. Wait that sounds way wrong.

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  35. lol Gayer than Twilight. You'd both beat me rapping. That's for sure.

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  36. Too friggin' funny! I loved it!

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  37. AHAHA I love this! Super well done, both of you! It had that classic white-ness to it. Vanilla Ice would be SO proud!

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  38. See, there was no need for Coachella to go to the effort and expense of creating a Tupac hologram when they could have had you guys perform.

    Jay

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  39. I think you guys have found your true calling. Seriously, Poe would be straight trippin if he heard your fresh rhymes.

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  40. I think I will start using that for classroom disputes at school.

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  41. Wigga? I have no idea what that means.

    Are you sure you don't remember what you were arguing about?

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  42. I'm not sure that I can declare a winner...you were both just way too proficient at your verbal slammery. Well played, Sirs, well played. :)

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  43. Oh yeah! That was cool!
    I loved "you so ugly Kony wouldn't rape you if you were Ugandan." Comedic genius.

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  44. OMG, Brandon's lyrics totally sounded like a nasty Dr. Seuss!

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  45. could you start fighting again if this is the end result?

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  46. I toast your Modelo...negro or especial?

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  47. Sick rhymes, in the anemic fashion. :) I love how your neighbor causes your downfall, always.

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  48. I'd still check your house for missing valuables. Never know, your neighbor might be onto something.

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  49. Wow. I have to admit I'm more impressed with this than I should be. I have to wonder if there was a rhyming dictionary involved here. Hmm...

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  50. That seriously just made my day better! Thanks!

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  51. What's the charge for getting thown out of a moving car? Jaywalking??

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  52. Vanilla Ice move over, there are some new cheesy white rappers in town. I'm going to practice my jams now in case I have to throw down.

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  53. Tough call on a winner. Bryan whipped out the Kony line, but then Brandon had the Mormon sex chat one...

    I think Yung might be the winner here since you can't put a price on receiving racist accusations.

    (Since when does Brandon have a mouth? That broke my brain. Which is easily broken, so carry on.)

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  54. I'd like a copy of this rap-off so I could read it every day to make me laugh as hard as I just did. I'd also like a fresh cup of coffee since this one is ruined. I had to spit my last sip back in it!!

    In my eyes, you both WIN this fight.

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  55. OMG, I'm crying and laughing at the same time. Maybe I'm just over-emotional to be back online and happily blogging once again - but this post is awesome! Tears pouring out of my eyes as I lie here with my laptop bouncing around on my laughing stomach. Stylish rap! And loved the racist neighbour too lol...... way too funny.

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  56. Haha Best keep the day job, guys!

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  57. What a couple of white boys! hahaha Awesome! Loved it...but I think Betty White could out rap you both!

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  58. Battle was hilarious. Tough choice of who won...

    Bringing back the "likely story" copy was a great idea. Definitely cracked up on that, made me want to see the original with Yung Skreezy!

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  59. Well, you guys both came up with some great lines though I'm not sure I'd buy that record. Better stick to writing books. My favorite lines are:
    I'm untouchable like Oprah's inner thighs....
    ...breath is straightup flatulent and musty...

    Shake hands and have a beer.

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