Monday, April 9, 2012

The Flaming Hyundai of Fire

Since a lot of folks inquired about last week's mention of my having stolen a hearse, I have to mention that it was actually a mortuary limousine, and that due to *ahem* possible legal ramifications, I can't really go into detail. Let's just say that I know how to put the 'fun' in 'funeral party'.

However, on the topic of random shenanigans, Bryan and I decided it might be fun to regale you with a few other questionably sane personal stories of ours. Kind of like the ones your Uncle Bob probably used tell when you were a little kid and he was drunk on tequila at the family Christmas party. And we assure you, even though sometimes we like to pull your leg, these stories are all 100% true.


1. Bryan once dated a girl with multiple personalities who thought she was Nick Carter.

No one ever believes this one, but just out of high school I dated a girl who had a very traumatizing childhood. She was a huge homebody, and her only real friend was a guy named "Nick C." who she talked to and had over to visit constantly... yet her parents and siblings had never met him. No one seemed to think that was weird except me.


While her alcoholic parents fought and ignored her, she found solace in the Backstreet Boys and their terrible, fad-driven music. They were her world. And so it took a while for me to figure out that Nick C and Nick Carter were one in the same, and that when she was having all-night conversations with Nick C... she was really just talking to herself.

A crazy joke AND a hipster joke rolled into one! Ba-zing!
She was always a bit of an oddball, but I didn't realize she was truly crazy until I was in an upstairs room of her house and overheard her, through the vent, talking to herself... and using a slightly manly voice for Nick Carter. She was asking him about his singing, and he was telling her that he was happy to see her and she was his favorite person. All kidding aside, hearing someone talk to themselves in different voices is probably the most chilling thing I've ever heard, and it still creeps me out to this day.

Yeah, I used her real name. What's she gonna do, come find me and kill me? ...Crap.
Finally, I told her that I thought it was weird that no one could ever meet Nick except her, and that I thought she was making Nick up, to which she said nothing. And the next day, after 'having a long, serious talk with Nick' about the subject... she said that he didn't like me and wanted to kill me. And that I should watch my back.

I've never run faster in my life. After that I changed my phone number and got the fuck out of Dodge.

And now, some 10 years later, I wonder if she really IS Nick Carter... because currently, both of them are fat and unemployable.

2. Brandon made money in college backing a professional pool player.

Back when I was in school, I managed to stave off legitimate employment for a semester by stake-horsing one of the best pool players in the state. Together we ran a lot of hustles in pool rooms all over Colorado. And despite having to hang out in the smoky cesspool of the occasional seedy tavern, we had a lot of fun. It was sort of like being in "The Color of Money," except with an obnoxious, ugly, young hippie as a costar instead of Tom Cruise.


As it turned out, although he was arguably the best shooter in Denver, my partner was a notoriously bad gambler, and a drunken fuckwit to boot. As is often the case with a compulsive gambler, the guy was always broke, even though we made lots of money.


The last time I saw him was when we crashed a frathouse party in Boulder where--when it wasn't being fucked on--there was a very expensive pool table. I told my partner from the outset that I didn't want to go, but he insisted.

Luckily, the pool table was free of fornicating nubiles and we were able to set up our hustle. And everything went peachy until the fratboy in question decided to be a poor loser. He was down a few hundred bucks, didn't want to pay, and informed us that we could either exit the premises, or he and twenty of his resident "brosephs" would kick the shit out of us (and do god knows what else).



Naturally, I wasn't keen on becoming the punching bag (or plaything?) of two dozen loafer-and-sweater-vest-clad fratboys named Bradley. They're all named fucking Bradley, aren't they? Anyway, we left without being pounded into submission (or maybe submitting and getting pounded? Fucking fratboys.). But I fired my partner immediately.

Six months later I heard he was dancing on top of a bar, drunk, and fell off and broke his neck. And somehow, miraculously made a full recovery. Apparently even the worst of gamblers can catch a 'lucky break'.


3. Bryan learned Muay Thai kickboxing in Thailand, from a Major General of the Thai Army.

This could probably be a post all its own, but about 5 years ago I stayed with a host family in Bangkok, Thailand for a few weeks. They lived on an army base, and one of the coolest things I got to do was spend some time learning Muay Thai from a Major General of the Thai Army, a short, squat little man whose English was just as good as his ass kicking (both were surprisingly excellent).

My sparring partner was a 5 foot 4 inch, 120 lb 14 year old kid who called himself Pai-Pai (like pie pie), and he was a tough little sumbitch. Initially, my Western boxing skills were no match for his Muay Thai.


But it wasn't anything a little exhaustive training in 100 degree, muggy, humid weather couldn't fix. After a couple of weeks I started getting the hang of things, and I felt way too proud when I finally nailed him so hard I knocked him down and forced him to stop for the day. Take THAT, 14 year old that can barely speak English!



5 years later, I'm still active in the sport, but I'll never forget how cool it was to train authentic Muay Thai surrounded by palm trees, ancient ruins, and Buddhist temples. And should I go again--while I'll be fervently trying to avoid the host family that attempted to pawn their fugly daughter off on me--I'll also be looking for a rematch with Pai Pai... Because I'm pretty sure I can still take the lil' sumbitch.


4. Brandon and Bryan once blew up a car.


Yes, we blew up a car. Don't worry, it wasn't stolen. It'd been legally deserted a decade prior on the property of one of our friends. So, naturally, once we discovered it was rotted past any hope of repair, we exploded that motherfucker, Michael Bay style.


It's amazing what a couple gallons of kerosene, a Roman candle, and a little bit of love can do.

video

We were gloriously unprepared for extinguishing the blaze (Who knew a Hyundai could burn so magnificently?), and stumbled around drunkenly in the darkness seeking shovels, only to wind up scooping dirt onto the thing with our bare hands. And even though a thick black mushroom cloud hung over our small town for the better part of an hour, the fire department was never called. Thank Christ. And somehow we finally managed to get the fire put out... you know, so we could light it again.


Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B, The Most Interesting Men In The World (Fuck that Dos Equis guy)

Beer: Fat Tire
Music: The Wombats

73 comments:

  1. Not exactly sure what to say here except LOL.

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  2. Schizophrenics, pool hustling, fight scenes, exploding cars and no cohesive narrative, this is a Michael Bay movie. Did you make sure to check the Hyundai for homeless people first?
    I always thought Corona should compete by creating the Most Boring Woman in the World who just wants to escape her bland life by getting tanked every night.

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  3. Excellent facts of life.Kim doesnt seem to be an oddball. I have seen lot of oddballs like one myself. And my other myself is a guy. He enjoys beer too and has lot of girlfriends and none of them is a nerd like me.
    You rejected the pawn offer from Pai Pai?
    Congrats on your win over that 14-year old who can barely speak English.
    I could say the same if I could win a 12 year old in a game in a different way.It is not the age some like me mature late. By heart and ental capacity we are the same :)

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  4. Good times, good bros, good beer!

    I've heard that learning martial arts in the original place they came from can give one a new perspective ON the art itself. You've given me food for thought, at least.

    LOL, Nick Carter. Oh, oh wow. No. Nooooo.

    ....I bet she was a weasel in bed, right? Crazy chicks always are, yo. ;3

    And...wow, all that latent/vague homosexuality. So much of it! Definitely a frat house, brah.

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  5. @Bastard - I never found out--gladly--because as my wife so wisely says: "You don't stick your dick in crazy."

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  6. Every single one of these could have been their own blog posts. And it might be time to bust out a Behind the Music style biography. Unfortunately, I feel like ya'll might still be stuck in the 'and then then the excess started' phase of your lives... ; )

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  7. Makes me want to go out and find a deserted car and set it ablaze! lol.

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  9. I feel like Brandon and I would be very wealthy drug lords or something similar if we had gone to college or high school together..... I, too, never liked legitimate employment, which led to some interesting jobs over the years.

    One should always have a fire extinguisher (or 12) handy, especially if anyone nearby enjoys explosives. Possibly the most important lesson my mother ever learned.

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  10. I think you've talked about the Muay Thai thing before. I find it pretty interesting really, it must have been quite the experience. Though more people have "set fire to a car" on their list of "shit to get done" than "learn Muay Thai in Thailand."

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  11. You guys truly ARE the most interesting. Blowing up a car is pretty impressive, as is training in Thailand. As for the multiple personalities, does that count as threesome credit?

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  12. Awesome post! Each time I read a segment I thought it was the best - just until I got to the next one. Kim sounds like the scariest person ever. She made me laugh my head off though.

    The car video was style!

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  13. After reading about that Kim gal, I'm curling up in a corner myself. Did she hide her crazy really well before you found out about it? That is legit scary.

    Blowing up the car, however, is just plain out awesome.

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  14. Wow, wish I did such awesome things myself (except date someone who wants me dead. Kim sounds like a serial killer, so be careful!)

    Maybe I can blow up a Hyundai too, we have so many of those ancient bitches lying around this place (we're all Asian, goddammit!)

    And learning Muay Thai in Thailand is sooooo cool. It would be totally worth it to marry someone's fugly daughter just to do it again.

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  15. Cool car fire! I bet you can light a Hyundai on fire over and over...

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  16. Hahah very cool. I feel like ALL of these could be their own posts - the pool thing could practically be a screenplay (i'm sure you'd find a way to make it fresh)

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  17. "And somehow we finally managed to get the fire put out... you know, so we could light it again." Best logic ever. XD

    It's somehow always the true stories that are the best ones. Gotta love real life (sometimes).

    As for the Nick Carter tale: should he ever have tried to manifest himself with Kim, perhaps your acquired Muay Thai skills could have shut him up. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

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  18. How?

    I have to exaggerate my mundane tasks of the day in order to tell a somewhat interesting story.

    Try and pitch your life stories to E! Maybe they'll make a True Hollywood Story about you.

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  19. Did you ever think of combining two of those stories? Like letting Pie Pie kick Nick Carter's ass? Or exploding HER car?

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  20. But what will you have left to talk about in future posts?

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  21. My car! Son of a bitch!

    Well the good news is if Kim's buddy Nick ever tries to kill Bryan, he can go all Muay Thai on his ass. Unless she has a Chuck Norris personality too, then run away, Bryan! And fast.

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  22. I picked the perfect time to come out of the mountains and back to the internet.

    Loved these stories, you boys do bring the good times.

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  23. I have always wanted to go see Thailand. I'm so jealous! I have always wanted to blow up a car too! Even more jealous!

    However, I have never wanted to date a crazy person with multiple personalities. Not jealous!

    I'm really good at pool...until there is money on the line. Then I suck and go broke!

    Great stories guys! Thanks for sharing!

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  24. . . . I do not know what to believe anymore. D:

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  25. This is the type of posts that lets me know I'm living my life wrong. I'd read a bit, laugh, then go "Oh snap, the details in this kinda make it seem legit, OH SNAP THERE'S A PICTURE, OH SNAP THERE'S A VIDEO".

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  26. I always thought frat-boys were creepy...

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  27. Damn. Until right now I had no idea that I wanted to set a vehicle on fire. Now I am super pissed that I've never done it, and likely not to.

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  28. "It's amazing what a couple gallons of kerosene, a Roman candle, and a little bit of love can do."

    Sounds like a date.

    Your Nick C story is the scariest story I have ever heard. It sounds eerily similar to a girl I dated back in college, but without actually catching her talking to her famous imaginary self-friend.

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  29. I was quite skeptical of all of these stories, but then I saw the video proof for the car one... touche, ABFtS, touche.

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  30. Awww...I kinda like Kim! Her biggest problem was probably listening to those evil Backstreet Boys...well that, and the alcoholic, fighting parents!
    I have never blown up a car, but i have seen some on fire. One of which pulled into a gas station near my house years ago. Brilliant...you should always drive a flaming car to the nearest gas station!
    My stories aren't near as good as yours, but sometimes when i can't sleep at night, i think about them, and wonder, "what kind of person does that shit?!"

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  31. LMAO oh there were so many dead cars sitting in my backyard growing up, I never thought of blowing them up, wish I had. She surely takes the cake for creeper of the year, scary. Pool hussling must have been quite the experience too, until the big bad frat boys wanted to bounce you around..haha pie pie sounds scrappy

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  32. "All kidding aside, hearing someone talk to themselves in different voices is probably the most chilling thing I've ever heard, and it still creeps me out to this day."

    And THAT'S why I never hang out with Rich Little.

    I've always wanted to blow up a car and I've always wanted to shoot one up with a machine gun of some kind. Both are on my Bucket List.

    Jay

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  33. You guys are amazing. haha loved this post. I request an encore.

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  34. If only she thought she was Aaron Carter. Then you could be Shaq and have the lamest basketball game ever.

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  35. She actually gave Nick C a voice? Dude...the trick to multiple personalities is to keep one in your head during the conversations. Right?

    ...of course right, Red. I've always thought so.

    ...good. Now go back in and be quiet.

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  36. Everyone needs that friends that they have those adventures with. It's great that you could remain friends and keep hanging out into adulthood.

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  37. Wow. You're lives have been filled with a lot more action than I thought.

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  38. I can't believe it but, I'm with the majority here...each one of these could have been it's own post. I would love to hear more about training in Thailand and about Kim and I would love to know who the voice of reason is on the tape was suggesting you put the fire out - hilarious!

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  39. Excellent stuff fellas, your misspent youths remind me a lot of my own.

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  40. Pictures or it didn't happen.
    You would think Kim would find a better imaginary pal than Nick Carter, but, I'll be honest, I thought he was mighty fine when I was younger. I think you should e-mail her the video, tell her Nick was in the car, and see what happens.

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  41. I'm glad Kim's invisible friend Nick didn't catch you....I would have missed some great posts!

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  42. This is the difference between men and women. We have no desire to blow up cars...I have only peed on them.

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  43. Our old van blew up while I was driving it. True story.

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  44. Sigh, I feel my jobs were fairly boring, comparatively. The most excitement I had was stoned dudes pulling knives on each other in Half Baked when I managed a theater. Were you guys hanging around in the Springs in the late 90's?

    I have had my share of crazies, so I'm good there.

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  45. I've never blown up a car. The best I could do was blow up a turd when our neighbor's daughter happened to walk by. I know, it's not the same.

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  46. I've gone against your wife's advice, Bryan, and stuck my dick in not one crazy, but two. Nowadays, they are both in healthy relationships and seemingly calmer.

    Does my dick cure crazy? This warrants further research.

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  47. This is four posts in one.

    Show off.

    That and it was freakin hilarious.

    I personally never dated a girl who talked to Nick Carter, but I was partly responsible for a girl I used to date having a nervous break down.

    Not one of my prouder moments. Oddly enough because I didn't have sex with her.

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  48. Well, you sound like you have both lead rather interesting lives. And now I'm off to kill myself.

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  49. Frat boys in North Dakota still wear pink shirts. I just stare at them because they are such doucheasaurouses, but that is probably the wrong thing to do: with their egos, they probably think I am enjoying the show.

    Jealous of Bryan for getting to stay with a host family in Thailand. That's awesome.

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  50. Damn, you boys had an interesting past!

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  51. Hustling pool players, marshal arts, exploding cars and crazy people.... Does anyone else smell a Steven Segal comeback movie here?

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  52. Multiple Personalities and a blown up car? I don't know, sounds a bit Hollywood. :)

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  53. Damn! I should have been living each of your lives rather than my lame one...

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  54. So, what you're really trying to say is.. all the effed up stuff you guys think up is really just based on personal life experiences.

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  55. Totally insane! I'm not sure which one is my favorite, but strongly leaning towards Ms. Nick Carter.

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  56. Great stories but No.3 stands out as the most epic, I'm jealous!

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  57. Are you just collecting crazy stories for when you become super famous and need to write your autobiographies? Because I would so buy it...

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  58. Your comment seriously made me LOL. I know a tattooed powerlifter named Norbert.

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  59. I've always wanted to blow up a car. I've driven (well pushed) a car of a cliff once though...

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  60. Now blowing up a car is something I want to do!

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  61. Wow. Those were some experiences. The training in Thailand sounds neat. I've not blown up a car ... buy maybe I'll try that Nick C thing next time i want to get rid of somebody.

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  62. Doth mine ears deceive me or is BRANDON the one suggesting that you put the car out????

    I'm so jealous of Bryan getting to beat up a 14 year old, I mean, go to Bangkok. I'm dying to go there and visit the Monks to see them with their tigers. Oh yeah, and inner peace and all that bullshit.

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  63. The car looks like something that my son would dr...Oh wait! That car! Oh! My! God!

    You killed Kenny!!!

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  64. Those are some damn crazy stories. The drawing of Bryan displaying his western boxing skills absolutely kills me.

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  65. LMFAO. Couldn't stop LAUGHING! HAHAHAH, awesome post!!!!

    http://rcmdblog.blogspot.com/

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  66. What is it with boys and blowing shit up? LOL. Just never gets old I guess. But whenever I see an abandoned burned-out car like that I always wonder 'k-where's the body?' and start treading around carefully, looking for sunken earth spots.

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  67. ....you've never punched a whale?

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