Sunday, April 29, 2012

An Apartment Apart

It's been noted before that I tend to get around...of course, meaning that I've lived in a lot of different places, and therefore many different apartments. Which is why today I've decided to compile a short list of useless things I've learned about apartment living.

1. Don't freak out when you see random homeless people sleeping in the hallway/entryway foyer. Depending on your neighborhood, these things happen. A lot.

And don't blame One Leg Greg. If you want to point fingers, blame that skanky hairdresser in 2A who just can't ever seem to remember to shut the goddamned door after she takes her chihuahua out to crap on the sidewalk.

2. It's important to establish a good rapport with the landlord. - For example, my Romanian former landlord in Chicago would often ask me, a writer, for serious medical advice. I quickly learned that the best policy when dealing with your property manager is a no-bullshit policy, in matters either personal or professional. Especially if they speak broken English.

Yes, this really happened. Except his hand was still a swollen, twisted, flesh-covered tree trunk that almost still resembled an arm.

3. Dealing with Dealers - Let's face it, apartment buildings in urban areas tend to attract the occasional drug-peddling riff-raff, especially if you live within proximity to a good-sized target market school. While I'm usually a supporter of entrepreneurial spirit, it's often hard work convincing the 15-year-old who hangs out on the corner that, no, you really aren't interested in investing in an ounce of his ditchweed that's been cut with kitchen spices.

4. Rescuing Your Security Deposit - Everyone should have a rudimentary toolbox, because sometimes you have to be your own handyman in order to keep your landlord from learning about the heinous debauchery that goes down when you have insane friends over for a party. Like when your neighbor Mongo decides to eat three Chipotle burritos, guzzle a barrel of ale, and then plug your poor, defenseless toilet with the resulting nuclear shitbomb.

There are plenty more things to add to the list, as you, my fellow apartment dwellers well know. So, what would you add?

****  Before I go, I have an announcement to make. As we mentioned last week, we've got a lot of exciting new developments going on here at ABftS. With the video game and the upcoming animated web-series (on top of writing new fiction and webcomic/blog content) Bryan and I are running low on time and must make some sacrifices. With all of the above projects underway, we want to make sure that each of them is of the highest possible quality for your enjoyment. Therefore, we regretfully announce that we will have to severely limit our reading and commenting on our regular blogroll. It accounts for a cumulative 8 hours per week and we just can't keep up with it. I wish we could. We'll stop by when we can, and we'll always be around. We won't forget any of our blog friends. But with so much time needed for development of these things, we hope you'll be understanding if we don't come around as often as we do now. We appreciate every one who not only reads and supports our blog, but takes the time to leave a comment. You folks rock. You've made this blog into what it is today. And we look forward to taking you all along on the odd and zany journey as the blog/webcomic/cartoon/novel grows into whatever the hell kind of amorphous monster it will. For the time being, our posting schedule will remain the same, though you will likely see more behind-the-scenes videos and production snippets as we prepare to launch A Beer for the Shower (the web-series). As always, feel free to drop us a line either on our Twitter feed or at We always answer e-mail. Unless you're sending us Dutch porn. No more of that please. Please. ****

As always, cheers and stay classy, friends,


Beer: Beer Chang
Music: Warren Zevon


  1. What about the GILF across the hall?

    Just me then?

    Looking forward to the coming material guys.

  2. That is kind of you to announce that. I fear that I am just going to fall off the grid every once in a while.

    I am very much looking forward to all the great new shit you will be able to put out in lieu of your absence of comments!

  3. I wish you boys the best of luck and I will continue to comment on your blog because I've been with you for so long and am willing to support you as you make this transition and I hope others follow suit. I'm going to say this and please don't take it the wrong way. I'm just being practical. I hope other people follow suit because blog etiquette demands that a blogger read and comment on other bloggers pages. I've seen many a large blog die due to a blogger saying they are too busy to comment, but still able to create.

    Please understand that I am not being snarky with my comment. Like I said I'll stick around with the rest of your core group and will wish you every success.

  4. Haven't dealt with an apartment yet - so don't have anything to add. Although I probably would have just left the place if my bathroom had ended up even remotely like the one in this post! I so hope you didn't actually have to clean something like that up lol

    I'm going to miss your feedback but totally understand - and I'm looking forward to seeing wherever life takes you guy next!

  5. I will miss your witty comments on my half-assed blog, but you must do what you must do.

    Press on! And when you're famous and fucking rich, remember us little folk!

  6. NOOOO I miss your witty comments on my half-ass blog too. See? I can't even come up with my own comment. I have to steal Brandon's, Brandon.

    Well good luck with everything!! You guys are doing awesome!!

    My real comment is this: I'm never getting my deposit back. I never do, no matter how hard I clean. My friend says I should just refuse to pay last month's rent. And hide when they come to find me. That seems unethical. Thoughts?

    Also - obviously Bryan didn't write this, because you forgot about horrible horrible neighbors with 12 year old ho daughters, loud noises, and slutty skanks trying to seduce you. I have all of those plus barking dogs, rednecks, crackheads, yard fights, and 3am bass.

  7. I plan to live in lots of apartments when i'm older, just to see how this pans out. But i cry when i see homeless people, and hate anything to do with blood/swelled up disgusting injuries etc. This sure is gonna be interesting!

  8. Oh, you'll be sorry. I have a gonzo, rip-roaring, keg-busting post in the works as I type this. It will be titled "BLIND BEER TASTE TESTS" (and then some other subtitles 'n' stuffs that I haven't quite fully formed yet in my semi-formed mind).

    It's all about these beer tasting tests that my brother Napoleon and I have been engaging in recently. And I ain't talkin' about urine like Budweiser and Corona and Dos Equis.

    I'm yakking about blind taste tests where the likes of Stone IPA goes up against the likes of Odell IPA and Lagunitas "Little Sumpin' Ale" and Sierra Nevada Ruthless Rye.

    I mean, we're talkin' about the BIG DOGS in craft beers dueling each other in blind taste tests to find out who "hops to the top".

    Hell, I'm drinking a Rogue Ale as I type this comment. So... you might want to stop by my blog at least one mo' time before you cease blessing me with your happy, hoppy comments.

    ~ Stephen

  9. Just don't forget about the little guys that helped get you where you are. I hope all the new ventures do go well. As for apartment living; I'm not sure I could do it because of all the bums and drug dealers. I don't really have a problem with bums, but I don't want to be shot by a drug addled crazy man while the guy who sold him the drugs watches.

  10. No worries. Although I'll miss the incisive and witty comments, I wish you the best of luck in your new creative avenues. I'm looking forward to seeing your video game!

  11. Lol, I'll try to remember all of this when I get my own place.

    No problem, I'll miss you for a while but I'm super excited about the upcoming material!

  12. I'm glad to see you guys are getting some attention and praise! You deserve it and I'll keep coming back and commenting anyways :) Look forward to all your future projects.

  13. Video game, you say? You have brightened up my early morning!

  14. Congrats. We can understand and apartments hunting is worse than job hunt. We once moved to "neighborhood" without knowing anything and 1 night was all enough , luckily NJ law allows to break lease in 3 days. And another one was downtown apartment where it costed a fortune for security deposit then a letter from lawyer from a website ,shooed it away.
    I am definetly going to miss comments from you guys. I always loved your witty feedback.

  15. So excited for your new ventures which is really saying something after I threw up in my mouth when I saw cartoon you with shit dripping from your ear! *cringe* Anybody who blogs knows how much time it takes to stay current on a blog roll & they'll get it. Can't wait to see how things progress for you guys. :)

  16. Getting a full deposit back is an art form. If you can get every dime owed back, you should get a plaque to commemorate such an achievement. Or the opportunity to crap on the head of your landlord. Whichever is more satisfying.
    Looking forward to the new developments. Also, when you get really successful, can I apply now for a job as your fluffer?

  17. That is hilarious!!! Love the cast of characters. Best of luck with your new projects, which I'm sure will be smashing successes.

  18. I will still love you guys and you know me, if I come in late I will just email you anyway.
    Don't be strangers though ok?
    Good luck with the new projects.

  19. Hmmm....I learned to always protect the wine!

  20. Nice one and I'll still stop by for tales of shenanigans!

  21. Although your comments will definitely be missed, it's completely understood that now is the time for the pair of you to jump on these new opportunities and run with them.

    Wishing you the best of luck with all of these exciting new projects and I'm looking forward to seeing the brilliant stuff you two will no doubt be producing next!!

  22. The cat will still hop on by but what Anne said up so high is true, many might no longer view after a while, you may want to watch that when going down the comment mile.

    Oh and as apartments go I HATE them. The last guy I had next to me was talking about how Hitler and Nazi's were so great. Thank God he moved.

  23. Just so you know, comments from my blogging idols are what keep me going! This could be the death of Workingdan! You guys have killed me twice now!

    This is sad news! I love your comments and support!

    But If this don't kill me, I will still be around to comment. You guys are my inspiration!

    I completely understand though. You have a ton of followers and I was always amazed at how you found the time to go visit blogs and leave comments. I have only a fraction of followers that you do and I still can't keep up with the comments.

    I wish you guys much success and look forward to what you have in store for us!

    As for this post.... I was the drug dealer in the apartment building. Only I sold the good shit and not ditch weed! Also, I have lived in many apartments but not once did I ever get my deposit back... even when I left the apartment unscathed! Those landlords are criminals!

  24. Good stuff. I always seem to have an unattractive female neighbor who has very loud sex. So not only is it irritating never wanted to even try my hand at making her loud.
    You guys are often the only comment on my blog so even though it will mean 100% reduction in comments I'm glad to see you guys, who are making a living on this stuff, are busy enough that you need to make this choice.

  25. Makes me wish I could just throw on some ratty clothes, lie about having a child and just get free sympathy money. Would be making a hell of a lot more than I do now at my current job. lol.

  26. I would add a little note about not worrying about the cockroach infestation you get from your downstairs neighbor because they only take out the trash twice a year!

    I'll miss seeing you guys on my blog, but I'm glad things are moving forward for you!

  27. I'll miss your commentary but I more than understand. Looking forward to the new stuff you guys have coming.

    Apartments... oy. I think dealing with inconsiderate neighbors is my biggest gripe.

  28. Also, I just noticed the Navicon! Beer:30

    Love it!!!

    I've been trying to create one of those but it keeps telling me my picture is too large.

  29. #2 was especially crucial for me; my landlord and his family became the first friends I ever made living in a foreign country.

    If I could add something, it would be to store all important paperwork in a safe place and in categories. I state this because, in France, you are drowned in a deluge of paperwork and you will *always* be asked to present the one document that seems to have been swallowed up by a black hole.

    (And we totally understand, man. No worries!)

    -Barb the French Bean

  30. I was the property manager and almost always gave back people's

    I'll miss your comments but I don't follow you because of your comments to me; I follow you because of what I see here. You guys make me laugh, it's that simple.

    Good luck!!

  31. Nothing better than some ABftS on a Monday :)

    I'm gonna miss your comments, so look forward to some Dutch porn in your inbox soon

    And really, really excited for the web series. Please keep us all updated more on it, pretty please =D

  32. I understand about not being able to read all the blogs on your list. This is actually the first time in four days I can sit and read them. As for apartment living, your list brings me back to a time living with a friend, her no good boyfriend and not having any money to eat. Thank goodness my parents lived close and always had a full fridge.

  33. I love the first bit the most! Some homeless people do work very hard for there money!! They are definitely not lazy people! And reading that homeless guys line of "Get a job, ya goddamn bum!" was the funniest thing I've read all week!! Thanks for the constant great work! You guys rule!

    Best of luck focusing on your new projects!

  34. Having never rented – parents don’t count that was free loading
    I feel like I have missed out on the joys of paying large sums of money to Land lords

    I have been so inspired by An Apartment Apart I’m going to try renting our house off ourselves....

    I figure that if I pay myself enough rent I should make a fortune, with the added bonus that if anything going wrong I can get the Landlord* to fix it....It sounds like a win - win scenario.... Makes you wonder why other people haven’t thought about doing this....

    * I happen to know that my perspective Landlord is a lazy shit and so will never get around to making repairs. This means I can keep all the rent as pure profit.....I might have to syndicate this goldmine of an idea.....

  35. I've never lived in an apartment fortunately. Although, I think it would serve as a great life experience. As for the announcement, as long as you continue your regular posts, I've got nothing to complain about.

  36. Luckily the worst I had to deal with at my apartment was my insane fifty-something upstairs neighbour when he was either screaming his fucking brains out at the TV (ESPECIALLY during an Eagles game) or singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time". I don't know which was worse.

    I will certainly miss your comments since they're usually funnier than my actual post, but I fully support your focus on your projects. Honestly I was always bloody amazed that you guys were able to keep up as you did! I'm just happy that you're planning on keeping up your posts here in the midst of all you're doing since I would miss THAT unbearably. Looking forward to the updates on your projects!

    (Also? The new favicon looks fucking awesome!)

  37. You don't like Dutch porn? What's wrong with Dutch girls? Is there some other nationality you prefer?

  38. Keep up the good work guys! Great things on the horizon!

    You know, I've never had an apartment. My imagination could never come up with a "happy ending" scenario. In the end, I just decided to invest in real estate. The poor bastard down the road from me is renting a home smaller than mine for $250 more a month than what I pay to own. That includes taxes and insurance. Win for me. Lose for him.

  39. Serious congrats!! A web series huh? Thats very cool! I will watch!

    Oh and by the way... do you mind if I start commenting all around the internet... but as you??? Seeing as how you are too busy.
    I promise to be extremely irritable and unbelievably offensive???!!

    A Beer For The Shower

  40. Don't forget the douchebag neighbors that clog their own toilet, let it overflow, and forget about it until it floods your bathroom, laundry room, closets, and hallway. Or is that only my neighbor???

    I wish the little apartment brats in my building sold "baked" goods. I'm just saying, that would be more enjoyable than the chocolate bars they guilt me into buying (I hate chocolate).

    I'll miss your comments, but good luck on all your projects! I look forward to seeing what's in store!

  41. I once lived in a 20 story high rise and the biggest problem for me was the noise caused by having other people living above, below, and either side. My bedroom was next to my (very early rising) neighbors kitchen. Grrrr.

    It's nice to see you guys actually getting some real success, no more online quizzes then ?
    I will look forward to the days when you are worldwide superstars and I can say well I read their blog when they just had a couple hundred followers.

  42. I hate it when friends and family staying over in our little apartment poop all over the bathroom, or do other gross things in the shower. I don't have money to pay for a maid, so I have to clean that nastiness up myself! Maybe I should get some Hep shots?

  43. I was never really following to have you guys follow back. You have some amazing content and I look forward to seeing future projects. Keeping up with blogs is way too hard, I definitely understand.

    Also lols.

  44. I will miss your comments, but do what you have to do. We understand. Godspeed on your new endeavors.

  45. Apartment Tales - I only got one. The coolest apartment I ever lived in, in Chicago, Oak Park actually. The place was old and three stories up, with 12' ceilings and hard wood floors. Old fashioned buzzer locks, where someone buzzes your apartment 'doorbell' and you buzz the lock to let them in. day I come home from work and there is this guy in a 'trench coat' (seriously) waiting to be buzzed in, I come in the little hallway behind him and he turns around - yeah you guessed it - this Poo Poo Head (I'm working hard on my cussing) is playing with himself for my viewing pleasure. I am shocked, of course, so I look him in the eye and say "Are you Kidding me?" and turn back around and go out the door. At which point I hurry around to the back 'fire escape type stairs and get up to my 3rd floor apartment and call the cops.

    OK, here's the real embarrassing part. When this young cop shows up he asks if I can describe the guy. You bet I can. Daddy was a Chicago cop he didn't raise no idgit. So I finish with my description and the cop says; "Miss, did you know him? I wish I could get this kind of description on a homicide."

    Anyway...they never caught flasher boy and he never came back to my door. I used the back stairs for about three months. I guess I was more traumatized than I thought.

    'Bon Chance' on the new adventure my friends. No worries bout me. Course, I'll still tell my stores here in your little ole comment box when the urge arises. You'll hardly miss me at all.

  46. So many lessons learned in that post. I know what to say next time my Russian Landlord comes to me for medical advice. I'll understand if you don't come by JTC. I still love reading your blog.

  47. Damn! All those projects in development and keeping up a regular posting schedule? That's supreme blogging. Can't wait to see how it all turns out!

  48. I've never lived in an apartment before... I never realized it before, but now I feel like I've missed out on something.

    Good luck on all the new projects - I think maintaining your posting schedule is enough; you don't have to read/comment on all of your readers/commenters' blogs.

  49. Eight hours a week is...a lot. Hope to see you at some point though.

    Oregano and Drakkar Noir - I believe they sold this in the park across from my alma mater, NYU...

  50. Good luck with the new endeavors! Definitely understand when you get busy with good opportunities, gotta take care of business.

    I'll still be looking forward to your posts.

  51. as soon as you said baked goods I knew what was coming...awh good times.

    I will miss your guys comments, but it's a small sacrifice for greater things *greater things* to come!

  52. I've learned to get used to the ambiguous grunting noises coming from the apartment above me. I can hear almost everything that goes on in his bathroom. At first I thought the grunts were caused by a gall stone or something medical. Recently I changed my mind on the prognosis because I heard additional groans from another man and a muffled command somewhere along the lines of "you better shut the fuck up and do what I say".

    Congrats on your future projects. I will miss your personal touch on my bloggins.

  53. We will still look forward to your posts, even if you don't visit us. And can't wait for the next installment!

  54. An ABFTS video game?!?! It won't matter that you won't have time to comment any new posts of mine, because I probably won't post due to being engrossed in the game.....well, when it becomes available anyway. You guys rock! Keep rocking!

  55. I don't know which of you "Bad B Boys" - Brian or Brandon - left the comment on my 'Ferret-Faced Fascist Friends' blog, but in part it said this:

    "I'm looking forward to this beer test. Let us know when it's up."

    Well, I'm just letting you know...'s up.

    I even stole a quote from you blokes and included a link to this "Bad Boys Blog" of yours.

    Later tonight, BEER BATTLE #7 will take place and I will be updating that blog bit with the results. So you might want to check it, and check it again... and recheck it over and over again until the winner has been declared.

    You dudes are in Colorado, if I ain't mistaken. If so, you'll be pleased to learn that a Colorado brewski just scored a record number of points for a single test, and ODELL's IPA is scheduled to compete in BEER BATTLE #8 this upcoming weekend.

    Yak Later, Boys...

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

  56. Broski, I myself in writing The Generalist, even if it IS just a short story this time around.

    So yeaaaah, no hate from THIS quarter of the blogroll, y'know? Be seein' ya guys around when yer ready to get on it. In the meantime, do work, y'knowwhatImean?

    Do WORK, kid.

  57. Braindead landlord made me laugh! Funny, funny stuff! Good luck with your projects!

  58. Well now in your landlord's defense, he was Romanian. They're pretty hardcore. They are after all the peoples who spawned Vlad the Impaler.


  59. Being a kiwi(New Zealander) We have flatting over here, and I guess that is the same, or at least similar.. The biggest thing I know is that you need to know your flatmates (roomies). I have lived with a few nutjobs in my time, Including the one straight guy who thought it completely normal to bring a couple home, and then let the female watch... Need I say much more, the acoustic show still haunts me to this day!!!

    No More dutch porn? SO all the other types that I send through are still ok, along with the enlarge your organ kinda ones??? Everyone likes a large organ, Particularly the church faring types!

    In regards to the last bit on your post, about not responding to everyone, I am amazed you do it at all to be honest!!! But it is very cool to get random people reading your crap!!!

  60. lol that bum sure did pwn you there, and for that drug dealer bit i can totally relate. I always hear em telling me not to be like that, haha!

  61. Funny stuff and I agree about the importance of keeping your man card.

  62. I'm probably one in hundreds of them tiny little blogs in your blogroll, so it don't matter if you overlook me. I'll be there.
    Funny how I say it.
    We'll be there, man. You commenting or not.

  63. That video game sounds really cool, guys. No need to apologize.

    P.S. My name is Randy and I don't do drugs. :)

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  65. security deposit, what is that? is that the lump sum of money you give to your landlord to let you leave with zero $ in your wallet? we had a neighbor who was hoarding a 16 year old but she liked it...her grandma didn't. oh, and there was the man that liked to work on/talk to his mustang. this is wehre I learned to say now to smoking battery acid.

    p.s. go you two for becoming so busy and successful!