Monday, March 12, 2012

Scam-tastic!

          Of all the glorious lessons we've learned on the Internet, two of importance come to mind. First, that the Internet is literally 95% porn, and Google Image searching ANYTHING can result in filthy, disgusting pictures that'll shatter your soul.


          Second, and perhaps most importantly, we've learned to always be on your guard, especially when it comes to scam artists.
          Be they Nigerian princes with cash to blow on strangers, the head of a British lottery you don't quite remember entering, or even your bank somehow forgetting all of your personal info, scams are everywhere. And we here at A Beer for the Shower want to help you learn how to identify these awful Internet scams before you end up sending off your life savings to a fat, bald, and sweaty 60 year old Russian guy posing as a big-breasted, lonely, and horny teenage girl (easy to mistake, I know).

1. Know where your money is going.

All scams ask for money, but the key is knowing where the money is going and why it's going there. Why does this guy need $1000 in order to mail me a check for $100,000,000? Why does a foreign lottery worth billions need $500 from me to release its funds? If I give this charity $100, how do I know it's actually going to the intended cause?

Yes, that's right, charities too.

I'm sure by now you've heard of this Kony 2012 thing. I'm not going to post the video, but if you live under a rock and haven't heard of it, it's a touching documentary about making Joseph Kony and his crimes against children in Uganda (child soldiers, rape, mutilation, etc) known so he'll be found and arrested. A valiant cause.

However, most people don't realize that the organization behind this, Invisible Children, made $8 million dollars last year and only used 37% of that for the actual cause. The rest went to advertising, video production, promotion, and worst of all, staff salaries. The guy that made the video, Jason Russell, gets $90,000 a year to do this. So do the other co-founders. Look for yourself.



I'm not saying you shouldn't give to charity, but some might consider this a scam. And it's not just these guys. There are tons of non-profit organizations out there that have staff and CEOs making a ridiculous amount of money. Long story short, you should definitely do your research and see where your money goes before you donate. I think people just like to give blindly and assume they're saving the world. Ignorance is bliss, right?


Meanwhile, in sunny California...





Meanwhile, in Uganda...




2. Bad English/generalized information.

Not all scams are reserved to selfish, pretentious fucks on a messiah mission to save the world. Some are from 3rd world countries themselves. How many of us as bloggers have gotten generic, badly worded e-mails like this?

"Dear Editor,


I have stumbled upon your website http://www.abeerfortheshower.com and I am such a big fan and love the articles in which are printed on http://www.abeerfortheshower.com. I am a freelance writer from the Ukraine and would to be interested in making the submitting articles for your website http://www.abeerfortheshower.com for free! All you is need to do insert my code to your webpage!


Regards,
Alan Smith"


I know what you're thinking, how could this not be legit? Well, aside from the bad English and bad grammar from a so-called writer looking to write for your site, chances are good that the link is either some kind of ad, some kind of spam, or even worse, a link to a virus. No one works for free.

But it got me thinking, what if Brandon and I could legitimately save time by outsourcing our comics to the Ukrainians?






On second thought, maybe outsourcing our humor isn't a great idea. But I'll hand it to the Ukrainians--the idea of me being fat and lazy and my brown wife dying because of my ignorance IS kind of funny.

3. It's too good to be true.

Yes, there are generous people out there, but no one just gives away a million dollars. No skinny, big-breasted, Russian teenage girl is creaming her crotchless panties just waiting for you to e-mail her. And no magic pill can make you build a ton of muscles or lose a bunch of weight or grow your penis into the size of a punching bag.


Brings new meaning to the term 'flex nuts', amirite?
The fact of the matter is that there is no easy way out, and sometimes you just have to work a little bit harder to attain the things you want. That, or you'll just have to accept being a broke, lonely, morbidly obese whale with a microscopic penis.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Modelo Especial
Music: Steve Burns

81 comments:

  1. Hey! Look at y'all being all serious and helpful.

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  2. I think you should put some cream on that wang.
    Unfortunately, you'll find that most charities work that way. They all have overhead so 30-40% is pretty good. Though $90K a year is exorbitant.
    I'm outsourcing all my commenting to Ukrainian ghostwriter from now on comrade. In Ukraine, blogs blog you (did I mention it's Yakov Smirnov doing my ghostwriting?).

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  3. It's true, people misrepresent themselves online all the time.

    I applied for a skinny, big-boobed Russian girl to be my wife - but when she got here I found out she was just a skinny, big-boobed girl from Belarus, so I sent her back.

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  4. This is great post on 'exposing' (Not a porn statement)the truth on scams.

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  5. Good call on the charity ones. I personally know two salvation army and other one from UK. there is a salvation army haven for orphans in India and in actual, all the orphans are treated like Jews in Germany and their rooms are used for renting to students and working women. And the salvation army warden they join as warden as rag and end of tenure the richest guy in the block. All the while praising the lord and aski g for charity and I don't know all time he used to say "blaze","blaze"

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  6. I find them fun but surely they must know people are on to them? I had Gadaffi's wife looking for money at one stage....

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  7. i got scared when i saw the... "arm" i hope to all that is holy you never recieve pills in the mail from scam bots again.
    its funny though i recieve emails asking for my dollars and i dont even live in America.

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  8. Hey -- you must work hard to grow potatoes. What do you think they make vodka from?

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  9. I don't trust anyone so it shouldn't be a problem for me donating to bogus charities!

    Remind me to never mix those 2 drugs...I can't have my junk looking like that!

    Thanks for the mention guys! You guys are awesome!

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  10. What is up with the Ukrainians, anyway?

    Every time I check the stats for my page, i think, "Oh wow! 200 visits in two hours!"

    And then I look a little harder and see that those page views were all from the Ukraine and NONE went any farther than my front page.

    I suppose I COULD get them to start writing content for me, since they are around more than I am...

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  11. Love the truth you guys spilled on the Kony thing.

    Also, I laughed pretty hard at Bryan's wife. The buffed arm as a penis thing is pretty disturbing.

    Great post, gents!

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  12. Honestly, for the the top of the nonprofit, I don't think 90k a year is THAT crazy (and I make like a third of that now at a nonprofit, so I'm not saying that because *I* am raking it in). I work for a nonprofit where the CEO has been doing this for 30 years and makes over 100k, and no one blinks at that. My old CEO at a nonprofit made about $500,000 (excessive). Just because it's a non profit doesn't mean that staff shouldn't be compensated at a fair wage for their responsibility/experience, in my opinion.

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  13. Sound advice.

    But I'm betting that last picture makes your site show up in a few more of those porn searches.

    I once added a gadget to my blog - before I wised up about HTML - that sent anyone who tried to follow me to another site. It didn't do any harm, thankfully, but I bet there are others that do. And still a scam.

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  14. Gia is right - the head honcho for Untied Way makes over 200k so that's not what bothers me about the Kony thing.

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  15. THIS is why I buy a sixer to give directly to the homeless. Sure, it's not a tax right off, but at least I know my charitable donation is being used the way the good lord intended.

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  16. What a quinkidink, tomorrows post on my blog is actually about Kony. lol. (oh no, have I said too much in spoiling the surprise?) :p

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  17. Bring on the pain! I nearly snarfed my seltzer water. Carbonation from the nose is not pleasant, just in case you were curious.


    I've received that Dear Editor spam at least a dozen times. No, actually, I don't want a virus, k thanks. Even if I did, it should at least be from someone with a PD to make it minutely relevant.

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  18. AMAZE-BALLS!!!

    This post has been quite informative. Thanks guys. I was aware of most of those scams, but didn't think to be curious about the ones wanting to submit articles. so dankeshon! I used to work for a bank, and it's crazy the amount of people we had to turn away because they wanted to send money to somewhere in Mexico to pay a tax for a lottery they'd thought they'd won. I can't believe people actually fall for these!! LOLOL at your last picture!!!

    - Juliet x

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  19. As a first time visitor to your site I would like to let you know 10/10 dude!
    Have you seen the Simpsons movie? Have you heard Homer sing the Spider Pig song? Well yesterday I was drinking a shower beer (it was a 12oz can, not the bottles which I find collect less water) but the song I composed goes to the tune of spider pig by homer simpson
    shower beer
    shower beer
    im gonna drink me
    a shower beer
    shower beer
    oh shower beer
    i love me a shower beer

    Can I hear back from you? Id love to follow you

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  20. So true, I think every one has gotten then damn scammy emails at some point or another. I hate those stupid "will post for free" ones. And if you want to receive "free" money go to the casino, as least they will rip you off to your face..haha I would much rather give money to a person that needed it then any charity, as it is sickening just how much actually goes to help people and how much goes in their pocket.

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  21. I think statistics say it's only about 0.1% porn but we all know it's way more than that. The Invisible Children thing is a very good point to make, and it's one of the problems I have. I think if you want to outsource you should pick a country no one else has outsourced to, ever. I think Ukraine might be one of them actually.

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  22. So, the Nigerian prince who is offering me $1 million dollars, a pill to enlarge my breasts, and hot, steamy sex in exchange for $1000, my bank info, and a link on my blog is a fake??

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  23. That last comic is scary. Joking aside though, I agree. People are constantly blindly donating money and thinking they deserve praise for it. I personally will only donate to charities that I have personal ties to. MS, Colon Cancer, Alzheimer's, my local fire dept. Family members are personally affected by these illnesses so I feel the donations are warranted. But the internet scams? They get better all the time.

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  24. I love how the scammer and spammers bypass the email spam blockers by spelling out their supposed products with special symbols such as, "You can get V1@GR@ for next to nothing!"

    And, I knew there was something fishy about those Invisible Children.

    Hilarious post as always!

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  25. Hm. Shouldn't the grammar actually be "the wife of Bryan?" That would make more sense to non-Anglophone speakers. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

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  26. I think you should outsource your images to the Ukraine. This was awesome.

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  27. The scams that prey on your sympathy for children are the worst. It was me that invented the penile enhance, I thought to myself "Anne how can you get rich by lying" And that's when it came to me, promise men bigger dicks. I'm not responsible for your "problem" though so don't sue me!

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  28. I am still amazed by how many people still fall for spam mail.

    I guess what you're saying is, there is no magic pill out there that will make me rich and healthy. I actually have to work AND work out *sigh*

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  29. Yeah... one of the problems with non-profit organization is that some people assume they're the same as a charity. Not true.

    All it means is that a business has decided that earning enough money to save and grow bigger and accumulate ALL THE MONIES is not their goal, regardless of whether it ends of doing this. Extra money is supposedly used to accomplish goals instead of collect profit and give dividends. They often rely on lots of donations.

    Of course, this is often still the goal of the individuals who run it, and that's how you get ridiculously dumb salaries.

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  30. I never believed anyone could fall for those email scams. But surely if nobody fell for it, they'd stop doing it?

    I've been offerred millions several times and always turned it down. Maybe I should accept the next offer, and we're all losing out by thinking it's a scam!

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  31. The outsourcing images made me lol for quite a while.

    I just finally watched the Kony movie, and was wondering where all the money came to create all of those posters and stuff. Now I know.

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  32. What I want to know is what you guys were doing under ground.

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  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  34. Fuck me and my fucking typos. There were just too many to ignore in my previous attempt at commenting.

    TAKE TWO:

    It is EXTREMELY frustrating to hear about all of the abuse that there is with charities. Like, I really want to trust the animal shelters around me, but the only way that I know for sure that the animals are benefiting from my donation is to go to the whole sale dog food place and buy the damn stuff myself and drop it off. It's disgusting that you are forced to just assume that 90% of your donation will go to "admin costs".

    That's what so great about my charity, Kat's Tequila Fund; you can be assured that *100%* of your donation goes straight to my bloodstream.

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  35. a soon as i saw the video last week, it took me all of 10 clicks to find the 35 dollar kony packs. i`m going to buy lots because i got all this money coming from nigeria soon. cant wait.

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  36. You know, that Nigerian prince really wants my help to release funds, he must have really horrible politicians helping him out over there....

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  37. Ugh. I hate it when Ukrainians fuck you over. Punks.

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  38. Damn it! I Googled oreo sandwich, and did not get any images that were remotely sexual in nature.

    Wait, isn't Kony running for president? Or is he the actor starring alongside Tom Cruise in the next Mission Impossible film? Abused children in Uganda? You made that up. Good stuff.

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  39. SO! A few things (hold up! a sex blogger with heart? Nooooo....)

    www.charitynavigator.org
    Best. Site. Ever.

    You can do some of the math for yourself...but the 4/4 star chairites usually donate about 78% directly to the cause. Some are higher, though. But bear in mind that operating costs might be higher for some...like Doctors Without Borders, becuase they have a lot of equipment to service and inspect, but 37% is insulting to the legitimate causes (I donate to a anti-sex slave [trafficking] charity pulling little girls out of awful situations; they donate 83% directly to the cause.)

    ALSO! Someone else bringing this to light (because I've been SCREAMING about this on facebook for weeks) makes me happy. Like; Next-Time-I'm-In-Denver-I-Will-Lick-Your-Faces happy!

    And, to finish it off, this is a FAVORITE thing!
    Scamming the scammers
    http://www.zug.com/pranks/powerbook/
    It's long, but it is AWESOME!!!!!

    :)
    Jen

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  40. I've never fallen for a scam yet. I'm waiting for this one Nigerian prince to contact me though, I'm sure he'll contact me though. He warned me it might take a few months because of the postal system there. Yeah.

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  41. You have a way of pulling me from the clouds and down back to the ground while making me laugh. I'm not even mad that reality exists, and I now see it for it's ugly truth!

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  42. Also, I need to write a post about the AWESOME scams I get telephonically from guys thinking that anyone willing to pose naked online must have the brain power of a pickled egg.

    There are some doozies out there.

    Again,
    Jen

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  43. Meanwhile in Uganda Kony has left for DR Congo and the Ugandan government are bringing in the death penalty for being gay... its a mixed up world

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  44. I might get sued for posting this but whatevs. After working on a cancer unit for 5+ yrs I discovered what a huge fucking scam the american cancer society is. They have an excellent marketing strategy that makes them look like a wonderful, generous org. Total fucking scam. Smoke and mirrors. If u looked them up yrs ago on Charity Navigator you would see how the majority of the $$ went into upper mgmt's pockets. They somehow did some spinning of their data so now their profile looks legit. I hate them!

    Okay, gotta go look up oreo and get my sandwhich on!!!

    XXOO

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  45. Here in the Philippines it is the text scam. Perps watch you as you buy load (not that kind) from a provider, which in turn enables you to text or call.

    They then obtain your number and send you texts. They start off innocently...like, "hi, sweetheart, wanna chat?"

    A fool replies and soon he is paying funeral costs for the gal (or guy's) mother, who has died for the 3rd but not final time.

    You know, I also have found that the United Way is not as up and up as they would appear. When they say, "Thanks to you, it is working for all of us the United Way," they certainly aren't kidding.

    Great, humorous post. Do you have any of those Denny's coupons left?

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  46. Wait a minute... I thought I was the only one that the Nigerian prince asked to help him... Hmmmm...

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  47. So how much can your penis bench now?

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  48. That Nigerian guy has a hard on for me. I have received his request to get money out of the country dozens of times on several different email addresses.

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  49. bring me the pain in my muscle lol

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  50. Just saw you over at Workingdan's. Working for a nonprofit that is very careful and plows money into programs (as well as maximizing what we do with volunteers), it's really discouraging when some organizations rum amok.

    On the spam...the spammers seem to think I am a lonely, middle-aged male who needs company and pharmaceutical help. Kind of like Rush Limbaugh, I guess.

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  51. Ha! Great post! Most especially the illustrated effects of taking a penis enlargement pill and the muscle building pill at the same time lol... made my day! That was pure genius...

    I'll try not to be entrapped by any of the scams mentioned - now I just have to worry about the ones you didn't cover.

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  52. Well said, buddy. Well said. Although I get spam only asking for my personal info, I s'pose the money asking one isn't far off as well.

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  53. Great post! Haha LOVE the Ugandan bit :D

    I wish more people knew about charities doing that, I didn't know that. I guess it's a bit like how the church ask for money and then go around in armoured cars and golden robes and stuff.

    It's not just the charities though. A lot of governments block the charity given to their people. My dad lived in South Africa for a while and he said that they block up the wells charities build and take a lot of the money given to them for themselves. Just giving money to a cause doesn't mean they'll get it.

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  54. I actually couldn't agree more about the Kony 2012. This problem has been going on for decades and has now gone Hollywood. I can't help but think that it has something to do with oil, or some other benefit because no one goes Hollywood selflessly.

    Also I'm sorry about your peener.

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  55. Good to see people questioning the Invisible Children organization. It seemed kind of fishy to me as well.

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  56. The Internet is literally 95% porn
    Sad but true, but then again the internet user has no one but themselves to blame.... My post “Getting in touch with your inner Tranny” gets more hits per week then a third rate boxer. I confidently predict if the post has been called “Getting in touch with your long lost Granny” it would have been like Muhammad Ali in his prime – practically no hits at all....


    Spotting a scam
    Bad English/generalized information
    I feel honoured that due to my inbuilt talent for poor spelling, bad grammar and love of generalising about almost everything, you have branded the BlackLOG a scam blog....

    I guess I just have to wait for all those suckers out there to send in the money – I truly believe that some people have a genuine need to be scammed on a regular basis (A frequent cleaning of their bank account to stop them feeling guilty about having stuff....sadly these people are normally the ones with nothing at all to start off with, including a working brain)

    I think I’ll start out with a Ski Chalet and a new camera – The Beast gets lonely at nights.....Maybe that could be my Charity angle -

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  57. As they said on Hustle once, "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is".

    Too many scammers and viruses going around the Internet. And I'm glad you mentioned to Kony thing. I am so sick of idiots, who don't know one single thing about Uganda, telling other people that they are heartless bitches for not posting the video on Facebook. FOR THE LAST TIME, posting things on Facebook does NOT make you a messiah.

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  58. Yup. That's how I earned my money. Nigerian prince.

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  59. People, stupid and gullible people, are the reason why these scammers are making so much friggen money to begin with. Having had 20 years in banking, I've seen them all crying over spilt milk and no matter how hard to try to educate the public, they still send money to these asshats. So I don't blame the scammers. I blame the asshats! OK, I'm stepped off my soapbox now. Love your post. You rock!

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  60. THANK YOU for not jumping on the Kony 2012 bandwagon.

    Also thank you for pointing out why, as well. I mean, goddamn, 63% of the donations they gather goes to, what, Hookers and Blow fund?

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  61. I am always myself on the internet...I am just. This. Awesome!

    I do wonder how some people fall for some of these scams tho...Spanish lottery, Nigerian prince? Really? If you do fall for spam...you are not entitled to have a computer, go outside - smell the air!

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  62. I am love for you. Your post make me shake with the laughter and spew liquid from my nose holes.

    I sound like a character from a Coneheads skit.

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  63. I'm too damn poor to give money to any charities lately. I do walks for cancer, autism, etc...but that's more a reason to get off my ass then anything else. Hell yeah I feel great about myself afterwards tho. lol. I think the message in the Kony video is important but they won't get my money. I'll help spread awareness of the issue but that's about it.

    I LOVE the spam I get. It's fantastic for a laugh but I have to wonder at people's sanity if they think they are for real...I really do!

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  64. You scamed me! I typed in oreo sandwich and didn't find a white woman being sodomized by five black men!! Damn!!!!

    This is the funniest post you guys have done! at least in my opinion! Made extra funny cause its all true! (exept the sandwich bit) I acually knew people who worked at a charaty and their bosses hired friends for management jobs that had no work attached to them! And they all worked four hours a day and make 10times what the workers who actually worked made!

    And back in when america got that finacial crash, the company looking for a cure for cancer fired 40% of the sceintists looking for a cure and all the managment kept there jobs and their big bonuses! (managment makes 250,000 a year (plus bonuses) and scientests make 40,000 to 60,000 a year!)

    But thats a bit off topic! Thanks for the heads up about the british lotery thing... I was wondering when I was in britin!

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  65. KONY 2012 Fraud Scam charity & more in the blog a Beer In the Shower. Glad you exposed the charity scam, because guess what, the Attorney General does not regulate charities, so they can get away with anything, especially religious based ones like Catholic Charities scam against abused women in upstate NY, took donations for a "closet" of goods for the shelter women, but instead only the employees had access to it all. Nothing the NYS AG could do, although the FCC (& FTC maybe) can if telemarketing is involved, these big govt. agencies are not there for the little people, they only get involved when there are many thousands of victims, just a few (hundred) isn't enough, so they told me. Luckily the internet exists to expose fraud when our own paid govt. agencies refuse to do the job they are paid to do, and I'm glad to see the evidence on KONY come to light, so many suckers out there believe in and are spreading the SPAM on that one. Thanks for another eye-opening post.

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  66. You should fire yourself and outsource it all to Ukraine, with an Audio-comic facility. Imagine the credits: "Bryan as voiced by Herge the Destroyer. Brandon by Dan the Goat-Rapist".

    Also, I don't get why people are upset about Invisible Children being frauds. I mean they claim to be helping invisible children! How cld anybody think it would be a good idea to give them money?!

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  67. I can understand the money for spreading the message, but man under 40% is a crime

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  68. But a Russian girl creaming her underwear at the thought of helping you raise money for penis enlargement research in Uganda is a legitimate cause right? ... RIGHT??

    -Ash

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  69. I just posted to Craigslist for the first time and man, the scam replies were ridiculous! The really disturbing part is that these scams only exist because people are dumb enough to fall for them.

    "What? I posted this item for $150 and this guy is offering me $250?! All I have to do is give him all my PayPal information and my social security number... Sounds legit!"

    ....No.

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  70. "No skinny, big-breasted, Russian teenage girl is creaming her crotchless panties just waiting for you to e-mail her."

    are you sure? i'm pretty fucking cute, and my emails are HILARIOUS.

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  71. Oh great gatsby. Flex nuts.

    Flex nuts?

    Mind-blown.

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  72. You cannot call it a charity if most of the money never reaches those that were exploited...

    Fuck I live in South Africa , If i had the same moral fiber as the Kony 2012 producers.... I could make a video and guilt trip people and be a rich bastard as well....

    But I believe buying the poor street kid coldrink and a meal is more charitable than these blokes...

    Vrede/Peace
    Koffer

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  73. I always ask my friend Pickleope to teach them a lesson. He's so good at it. I still don't understand they don't get arrested for calling themselves non-profit organizations. No wonder there are child soldiers everywhere.

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  74. ROTFLMAO
    must be the funniest informative post of yours :D :P

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