Thursday, March 8, 2012

Night Shift

It's no secret that lately I've been sleeping about as well as a rabid chihuahua on speed. So, instead of wasting my nights staring at the ceiling for eight hours straight and barking at the neighbors, I decided to get a second job. And you wouldn't believe all the cool employment opportunities out there for the nocturnally inclined. First, I landed a gig as a late-night host on the Home Shopping Network.
And even though George Foreman Grilles are pretty damn awesome, I learned that it's against company policy to compare their hotness to the iron hinge of Megan Fox's thighs while recording live On-Air. So, upon termination, I decided to check out the less "legal" job market, and tried my hand at pimping.
My pimp hand was as weak as the story plot of Twilight, so I took the next logical step and became a male gigolo.




So, there I was, with a grand total of eight dollars in my pocket, and the bitter taste of shame and bedbugs in my mouth. Yet the search for steady work continued. It led me to the outskirts of town, where a dark and spooky traveling carnival had set up shop.






Eventually the authorities crashed the party and a bunch of nomad hillbillies were apprehended for kidnapping. Look for that tomorrow on the evening news. It sucks. I was kind of good at that job. Anyway, my next foray into night work was a very brief stint as a sex chat partner for you good folks in England, who are queerly awake when us Yanks are supposed to be sleeping.




But since I couldn't understand half the innuendo slang you limeys were using, I evacuated prematurely. And that was it. I gave up my search. Apparently, the working world of the weird is one that I'm clearly unfit for. So I went to the bar and honed the only skill I can practice at all hours of the day: Being a professional wino.
Cheers,

-Brandon

Beer: Fat Tire
Music: Dire Straits

76 comments:

  1. Seems like a good skill to hone to me! T minus 10 hours til wine time for moi. That's probably not a good thing to keep track of all day.

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  2. I guess all these 2nd jobs are better than working 3rd at Walmart. I used to work at a grocery store, and they had a night crew. I would often see them before they started, and man they would always quit. It was a brand new crew about every 2 months.

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  3. If you truly want to prostitute yourself, just give me a call. I have a few dollars I am not doing anything with.

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  4. A beautifully hilarious post. The only flaw? We all know male gigolos only find business by going gay for pay.
    Have you tried night watchman? Stealing from drug dealers? Being one of those real life superheroes (those dingleberries who cosplay and pepper spray drunk people)? Taking video of people having sex then blackmailing them later?

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  5. Lol... I think you should consider Pickleope's ideas - they would definitely add to your resume in a big way - and would provide for an excellent post.

    You as a real life superhero would be awesome!

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  6. You gotta get that pimp hand strong, sir.

    And I'm not sure what I liked better, the flowers he brought, or the woman's rolls.

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  7. Back to webcomic and funny quotes. I love it. No one can make these tiresome thankless jobs sounds so interesting and exciting Brandon. I would like to watch you on my screen selling diapers and with that pink pimp costume(jackpot) - That would be every woman's dream porn.

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  8. LOL your poor liver. Have to watch out for those hillbillies, them and their magic banjos are scary. Bloody Hell, you couldn't understand when they told you to bugger off wanker?...hahaha

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  9. I'm thinking that you could go back to doing those sex chat calls, only for a country without so much weird slang....like here!

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  10. Hilarious post!
    I hear that paparazzi get paid top dollar for shaky pictures of washed up celerbrity's private parts. The stars come out at night.

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  11. Oof. I've been unemployed for close to 11 months now. A mere search on Craigslist makes me lose faith that I'll EVER find another job, especially one in which I might a kidney in a black market trade. --.--

    BTW, AWESOME cartoons!

    -Barb the French Bean

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  12. You always make me laugh. Evacuated prematurely, hah!

    Bonus Points for the Midnight Carnival.

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  13. The world would be a better place (for me at least) if I got paid for every beer or glass of wine I consumed. One can dream....

    Too bad my lack of sleep isn't good for anything either. I find that I write like I'm on crack when I'm supposed to be sleeping and none of it makes sense-it's hilarious-but still makes no damn sense. Oh well.

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  14. I've done some of that and you gigolo pimp only took a third, you're so lucky!

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  15. The wizard looked a bit like Harry Potter in his later later later years! Also "evacuated prematurely" - really like that wording.

    Unfortunately people don't pay you to drink...unless you make it into some art installation in a gallery and have people pay you for watching you drink? OK 60% for me on all your earnings!

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  16. I was unaware that being a Home Shopping Network host required you to dress like Super Mario. It's a good look for you.

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  17. Funny post! Where do you go after the bar? McDonald's, Burger King, Denny's... any place that's open and serves something resembling food? There's your employment jackpot - graveyard shift slingin' slop! You're welcome.

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  18. If you want nocturnal employment, why not become a fox? The hours aren't too bad, and you get all the chicken you can steal from poorly constructed coops. Just don't get caught!

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  19. Your liver. The true hero is these stories getting beat to hell. lol.

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  20. i don't think there's anyone else can pull out a story like you Brandon! you rock

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  21. I was going to mention phone sex operator, but then you came up with something better.

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  22. Poor, sleepless baby.

    You've given it your best efforts, clearly. Though I hear the pass out after a heroin high is pretty deep, so there's always that.

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  23. I always thought tending bar was fun. Busy, no time to think, always put me in a better mood, and people bought me a shot once in a while.

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  24. You've had so many great life experiences. Very few people do anymore. So cool.

    Jay

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  25. I thought that you had taken to dressing up like a bat and fighting crime!

    Brit smut lingo is absurd. I once thought that I was chatting with someone from the UK about cooking but it turns out that "vinegar strokes" is not a method of preparing chicken.

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  26. I think I'd have given up long before you, hope the sleep problems get sorted soon though. Just use your best friend, alcohol, and knock yourself out.

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  27. How did the bedbugs get in your mouth?

    What the hell kind of sex game is THAT?

    Actually... Probably don't want to know.

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  28. Christ! I'm late! These fucking day jobs get in the way of my leisure reading time.

    You could always go for the super hero business. I hear those drug dealers carry lots of cash. Or if that is not your cup of tea, you could go the other way and be a drug dealer. I could swing some business your way. Open up a marijuana dispensary, I hear it's legal in your neck of the woods!

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  29. Is that an Alf doll you're holding at the carnival?

    Out of all it...that is what creeps me out the most.lol

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  30. OK, so, you know the way you guys love beer? Have you thought about writing to Heineken, or Carlsberg or any of them asking if you can be free tasters for their barrels? I mean, it's a dirty job, but someones got to do it.....

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  31. Wait... Megan Fox has an iron hinge? That really scares me.

    And wouldn't that be "beero"?

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  32. Wow! I'm a professional wino, too!

    Don't worry about your liver paying for it. The way I see it, by the time my liver starts paying I'll be too old to care.
    Rock on!

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  33. Your phrase "laying the pipe" reminds me of one of my favourite old jokes involving a newspaper headline, a horny woman with an Italian accent and "50 men lay Pippalina." Good times.

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  34. Ah, but that liver pays well.

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  35. You are always good for a laugh... and it's easy to laugh when we've all had sadly relatable circumstances in our own employment history! ;) I shared a link to this today on my blog: http://authorjess.blogspot.com/2012/03/trip-around-thursday-hot-topics-and.html

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  36. Hey Brandon and Bryan, first time visitors and pass me a beer! My Weekend Follies are out to shame! Hey, check out my Weekend Follies on the weekends.

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  37. If I became a gigolo:
    Me: "Look, honey! My job as a gigolo really paid off!"
    Mrs. Penwasser (acting as if she doesn't care. Which she probably wouldn't): "That's great! How much did you make?"
    Me: "$69.10!"
    Mrs. P: "Who in the world gave you ten cents?"
    Me: "Everybody."
    BA DUM BUM
    This is why I won't quit my day job.

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  38. I'm not sure which I love more - the Alf doll or beer:30 on the clock.

    Thanks for another great story. Hope you get some sleep so you don't have to suffer through anymore of these horrid jobs.

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  39. It sounds like you have a very busy night life. Hire a camera crew to follow you around and sell it as a reality show.

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  40. Ahhh Beer o'clock...time for the real work to begin

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  41. >>...Music: Dire Straits

    "I want my I.P.A. ...
    I want my I.P.A. ..."

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  42. I really don't like working night shifts that's for sure!

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  43. I saved the pimp pic mentioning Chris Brown. lol

    I have worked the graveyard shift. It had its downsides, i.e., drinking a beer after work at 7am and thinking it was normal.

    I also noticed I didn't get the normal amount of sleep either. All things considered, I'd do it again if I had to.

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  44. OH.

    OH WOW.

    HOLY SHIT I am laughing so hard over here. Shaneequa Latisha Shawfanda looks like s/he might've been actually fun...

    Oh wow, graveyard shift. I just did an emergency called one (they needed someone at the last moment), and it was a GREAT night~! I did graveyard work for five years, and I gotta admit that it was the most fun I've ever had on the job, even if it was security.

    You'd be surprised at what kind of stories late-night security guards who actually do their job have on hand, y'knowwhatImean? A totally different creature, the nightbreed is.

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  45. You had me at 'rabid chihuahua on speed'. LMAO

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  46. haha, Mr. Dumbledore....wait a second. What happened to Alf?

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  47. Beer 30 thats awesome! lmao and that woman looks like scooby doo to me. bwhahaha.. Love the post. I'm wanting to run a series for zombies and apocalyptic stuff. Wanna share anything? email me kcdoe27 at hotmail dot com

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  48. Makes me SO glad I no longer suffer from insomnia.

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  49. Job? Work? That scares me a whole helluva lot.

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  50. Wow, that kid had some mega sideburns! Maybe that's why he was targeted? I feel like I need to go eat ice cream now, just for the imagery of the taste of bedbugs.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

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  51. "Evacuated prematurely" bahahaha! Clever.

    Why not treasure-hunting? Buy yourself a metal detector off of eBay and start digging up people's yards... that would be great fun!

    Alternatively, Geo-cache raider?

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  52. Haha. Brilliant. I've recently applied for a job as bar staff...

    Perhaps you'd be willing to partake in an air flight and hop over the pond to attempt a sip at our English brews old chap.

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  53. You should consider becoming a Dominatrix. I hear the pay is good, there's no real sex involved so you could just "hide your junk" and beat people all day for money. I'm considering that option myself right now.

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  54. night shift always has the weirdest employees. they look weird, smell weird, do everything weird.

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  55. Did you try the local Quickie Mart? lol, fun read, as always. Have a great weekend.

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  56. Hey...I'm awake most nights too. Sex chat operator? Hmmmm. How much do they pay....hahaha.

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  57. I have to say, Brandon, there's always a grossly compelling angle to everything you write.

    Anyway, I used to work overnight at a state-run low-income hospital in the middle of the ghetto. THAT'S the kind of job that sticks with you (I saw a guy with maggots growing in his ear...barf). The things I saw there are enough to keep me awake at night even years later.

    On a sad note, (RIP Leslie) Austin just lost one of its most beloved 'winos', so, hey, there's a job opportunity for ya.

    :)
    Jen

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  58. And to think I just left a comment on another blog saying that I haven't read comedy in years. Now I read this and chuckle the whole way through. Great post!

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  59. Pimpin ain't easy:P felt required to say that. David Chappelle has too much influence on my mind.

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  60. Maybe if you become your own pimp, then being a gigolo won't be so bad.

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  61. Cook at an iHOP might have been a good venue! You could have exchanged beer for their syrup.

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  63. 900-friends. You can talk to singles near you...just make sure you get the credit card number first. :)

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  64. The sad thing is that you're job hunting is going better than mine. :\

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  65. so you're the one i was talking to the other night...

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  66. Aw, c'mon now, it took you that long to find your second calling? I've held that barfly job myself. :/

    Weirdly, that child at the carnival looked a lot like Bryan. Ray's smiling. ;)

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  67. any job that allows Ms. Precious to make a cameo is tolerable in my opinion.

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  68. The liver is evil and must be punished!

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  69. I always wondered who did all of that advertising in Sharpie!

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  70. They all sound like very fun jobs... Except for the gigolo.

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  71. Damn, why didn't you tell me, I am very good at keeping you insomniac Yanks company. Us Aussies are awake at even crazier times.

    Great post guys. I even left a real comment today.

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  72. Hey, if u wanna pimp your junk out for some scratch, I got a coupla bucks and I'll throw in my old troll doll w/ flaming red hair, a dehydrated cat turd and crotchless panties as a tip. You in?

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