Thursday, March 1, 2012

Just Call Me Bryan: Attorney at Law

          I've gotten a lot of jobs I wasn't qualified for. Computer programmer. Election official. That one time I tried to be a doctor in Mexico.


          Now we can add attorney to that list.
          I have 2 brothers-in-law, both of whom have more money than common sense, and they rely on me a lot for help. Like the time I drove 30 minutes to remove a car battery because they had no idea how (4 small bolts and it was out, took about 45 seconds). Or the time I drove one to the airport and didn't take the $10 tollway because that's expensive as fuck, and he commented, as we took a long back road, "Oh, this must be the way poor people go."
          Really, just imagine the stereotypical millionaire who can't even feed himself properly because there's always been a person or machine for that. Now multiply that by two. You have my brothers-in-law.
          One recently put his house up for sale and went back to Vegas. Soon after, his Realtor sold it, and since he didn't want to come back to Colorado to sign the papers, he texted me to let me know he gave me power of attorney over his half a million dollar estate and asked me to close everything for him. "Oh, and by the way," he said, "it's gonna close in 30 minutes at a place that's 15 minutes away so make sure you're on time!"
          Yep, that's right. This bomb was dropped on me 30 minutes before I was due in front of a title transfer adviser.
          The following is what happened:



          So off I went to the title company, and they started hitting me with hard questions right off the bat.



          What? I've been to his house maybe 5 times in my life. I have no idea what his address is. So maybe this tells you what kind of shit he was getting me into.
           After they looked that information up (which I'm proud to say I still don't know), they sent me to a big boardroom where I consulted with some suits and was given some legal documents that looked like they were written in an alien language.







              And then came a barrage of questions I am definitely not qualified to answer.











               This is 100% true, by the way. My wife offered the midgets drinks and they were scared of pissing off the millionaire host (brother-in-law #1), so my wife said, "I'm his sister, I can do whatever the fuck I want, come drink with me." So while bro-in-law #1 was hobnobbing with a bunch of silicone breasted bimbos, my wife was getting a bunch of midgets dressed up like jesters drunk.
               So let it never be questioned again why I married this woman.
             
               Anyhow, after bluffing my way through these ridiculous tax questions, I had to sign about 30 different papers, outlining myself as AIF (Attorney In Fact). And after that, my brother-in-law's house was sold! Or at least I think it was, since, you know, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.







            They don't pay me nearly enough for this shit (namely, zero).

            So, anyone want any shitty legal advice?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan, Esq.

Beer: Honker's Ale
Music: TMBG

93 comments:

  1. Ah yes! The joys of looking out for your family!

    That midget joke at the end was ummm....yeah.

    Don't you just love breezing through paperwork without having a clue what it is you're signing? It happens to me twice a year when I go to get a loan to pay off other loans.

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  2. Awwww that's so nice. Was closing on a house your Make-a-Wish?
    So your brother in laws have enough money to force indignities upon little people (like they don't have enough problems, like reaching things, that someone has them dress up like jesters) and their own brother in law (you). It does sound like a bit of fun though, getting put into strange predicaments because they're situationaly lazy.

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  3. That is crazy hilarious...! And I'm sorry, but the dressed up midgets really stole the show. You as an attorney is cool of course - but that someone would have the (I don't know what) to hire a bunch of midgets to serve him at a party is the best thing ever! Such initiative and imagination... I'm trying to grasp what was going on in his mind when he came up with that idea... lol... very funny! Why does this remind me of Austin Powers?

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  4. They are so lucky to have you as bro-in-law. You dont charge the family for the service? Looks like I can quit my job and earn a lot as manfriday for your bros-in-law. But I shouldnt say this, in India hiring someone to do work costs lot less than cleaning your hands with sanitizer. Instead of using fan or ac, you can hire 100 people to blow air or whistle hard.

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  5. I could do with a house. Can you sign it over to me instead?

    Also, I gave your wonderful Blog an award. Come here to collect it:

    http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/2012/02/probability-of-being-different.html

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  6. Ah yes, I love it when rich family members think that other people have all the time in the world to do things for them because they aren't doing anything important...I have some of those. We have a doctor in the family that thinks I make as much as he does as a nurse! Whatever dude!

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  7. That "Oh, this must be the way poor people go." just had me cracking up. I can't read that and not hear Mr. Burn's voice.

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  8. That was hilarious, and sounds like fun.

    I'd love to bluff my way through a high-profile business interaction. I bluff my way through my own job all the time, so I think I'd be quite good at it - although I might need to borrow your excellent moustache.

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  9. It's hard to believe you're the sane, responsible one in your family but clearly you are.

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  10. The new Google terms of service/privacy policy kicks in today - will you look it over for me and either check or not check the little box that says I accept?

    And please wear the monocle while doing so!

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  11. At least in you're in their wills...right!

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  12. hahaha yeah you only came up a little short with the midget joke. I guess your mind just shorted out for a minute. It's clear you aren't short tempered at least...haha

    Yeah signing all that crap that one has no idea what it means can be fun huh? The blood suckers seem to always be getting us with that legal mumbo jumbo. You're like the real estate butler for him..hahahaha

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  13. Im totally using that tax joke! How did you file last year? Very carefully. lol.

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  14. I've driven the "cheap" way too from the airport with my brother.

    There should be a law that all legal documents are one page long and written at a high school reading level...so all of us can understand. To much mumbo jumbo in everything!

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  15. That sounds like a serious party. Was there a lot of coke?

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  16. HAhahhaah....i believe the last panel is my favorite. i heart your wife.

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  17. I found you through Mayor Gia's blog and I am so so glad I did. Im currently drooling at work I am so unmotivated and this post made laugh and woke me up.

    Im officially hooked on you.

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  18. My brother-in-laws are the same way. Except they have no money.

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  19. I don't care how non-PC it is but midgets (don't they prefer little people? hmm) and albinos freak me the fuck out. I know it's wrong but being surrounded by 20 of them dressed up like creepy jesters is a horrific nightmare!!! Your wife is awesome though for getting those guys blitzed.

    If he's single I have a high tolerance for total wastes...if it comes with a shit ton of money that is. I'm willing to relocate. Just saying.

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  20. AND HE STICKS THE LANDING WITH A MIDGET JOKE!

    Well played, sir.

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  21. Tell me you skimmed off the top. Tell me you took your lawyerly percentage for fees and services rendered.

    By the way, I have a case I need handled...are you also not licensed in Georgia?

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  22. That reminds me a little bit of my "uncle" who I have no idea how I am related to...exactly. But he seems to have more money than common sense, bought a horse farm and asked me to manage it, at thirteen...in New York, when I lived in Georgia.

    My parents let me go, in the summer, with two rules, dont ask where he gets his money and never agree to anything without knowing exactly what your agreeing to. They quickly called me back, when I was telling them about the people I was meeting with all the eastern European names

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  23. Real estate closings are *always* a pain in the ass. I hate doing them. And the fact that he threw you in with no notice? Sounds like you had an awesome day.

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  24. Why anyone would want to hire 20 people (little or not) to dress up as jesters and serve them is beyond me. I'm glad your wife took matters into her own hands and got them plowed.

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  25. Since I understand all that paperwork crap as much as you do, I will see if my husband would like to hire you as his business' lawyer. What the hell, you couldn't be any worse than the yahoo who is representing them now.

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  26. That was seriously funny!
    I like that you keep a monocle and top hat around for emergencies. I keep a bustle and muff for the same reason.

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  27. Jaysus Christ, who knows what you have signed there? Maybe they have rights of your first born child now?? Some cunning plot of your brother-in-law!!

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  28. This will probably seem pretty basic and everything? But did he then remove your power of attorney? Just imagine the amount of stuff you could do if you still had it?

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  29. Why the fuck did your BIL stick you with something like this? I hate that "I don't feel like it" attitude. HATE. Ugh. Sorry you have to deal with that, but you're a real sweetheart for going down to that office and bullshitting your way through the paperwork.

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  30. Ooooo! Exciting! How did it feel when you were granted power of attorney? Was it like being knighted? When I was awarded my masters degree, I decided I was a master of everything, not just science. Turns out I'm not such a master car mechanic, carpenter, or window cleaner, but boy did I attempt with gusto.

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  31. aww,
    can't believe you still could function and stayed in sanity in that situation.

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  32. Loved the signature. Had me laughing.

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  33. Regarding the first part of this post, if you made the relatives poor and women...you could have been talking about some of my experiences with the family.

    I'm not helping any of them again unless they hire midgets though. I'm putting my foot down.

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  34. I've suspected it all along, but now I know for fact- your wife is a badass that I'm pretty sure I want to hang out with. As long as she leaves she shank at home.

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  35. OMG OMG OMG! Whatta story. Hey! Does the BIL read your blog? If so, what does BIL #1 or #2 have to say?

    Cannot believe you don't make them pay you. Maybe you like the abuse? hmmmm?

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  36. It's fun having family like that isn't it, well at times anyway! Love the post! Very funny!

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  37. If your brother-in-law thinks just because you don't have to clock in someplace for a living and have all the spare time in the world, it does not mean you are available to be his errand boy. You are working on a book, taking care of your pup, slamming another can of beer! YOU WORK!!!

    Need to put a stop to that quick because he may be feeling pretty good about himself being Brown and having his own WHITE servant. (Hey, I am brown, I can joke about it!)

    Honestly, you really do love your wife to agree to such favors. (The midget moment is classic and I see why you married the lovely but "sick" girl! -- So few of us!)

    Had you known your brother-in-law's address you could have been living it up in his fancy house while he was in Vegas!

    As for the other brother-in-law, I hope you told the tool off about not taking the toll road. You could have agreed that it was the way poor people took as well as the way for cheap bastards who will ask favors instead of taking a damn taxi to the airport.

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  38. as soon as i saw the monocle, i thought "classy". but then the tux t-shirt? BLEW ME OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER, MY FRIEND.

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  39. Hahaha that's bloody epic. The closest I have come to having a party with some midgets was the time I got my amusingly short friend drunk. My last job was in a kitchen as a cook which was highly amusing as I can't cook. Yay for them not asking the right questions and me accidentally ticking the wrong box on the form. I was hoping to work behind the bar but I ended up effectively increasing my towns chance of food poisoning by a fair amount

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  40. That's awesome.
    Although, I have to say, it's not any better when it's for yourself. Speaking as someone who just bought a house.
    And I have no idea, really, what I may have signed for on half of that stuff. For all I know, I could have signed away my organs once I hit the age of 45.

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  41. Those poor midgets. Though I'd love to be that rich, of course. You have power of attorney though? You can really reap the benefits of that.

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  42. lol those titties at the end are the best :)

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  43. The pun at the end made my day <3

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  44. And what do drunken midgets do?

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  45. I can see why you married your wife. She sounds fun. I think I signed away my life this week, too.

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  46. I laughed several times throughout the story, but the Parkinson's got me good.

    I've know a few wealthy people, the majority of them are complete idiots with no common sense. How they made it as far as they did is beyond me. It's like karma is a type of candy coating to them.

    And that midget story? That should be drawn out. I just realized "drawn out" could have two meanings here. So do them both. Please.

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  47. 1. I fucking love the fuck out of your blog!
    2. The math & tax ?s made my eyes bleed and I wasn't even the one answering them.
    3. Midgets...the fucking midgets...
    <3 <3

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  48. Hilarious! Don't know his address but you know all his tax information. Right...

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  49. When all else fails, go for the midgets. You can never go wrong with midgets.

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  50. All I can think to say is have you ever heard of the power of the word "no"?

    I highly recomend it! This would never happen to me because of my diligent use of the word "no"!

    (great monicle and top hat by the way! and great comic as always! but I'm sure you already knew that!)

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  51. midgets always bring comedy...
    But having power of attorney over $500,000 the power would have gone to my head

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  52. hahahaha, you guys make me laugh! thank you :D

    (and you don't have to post back - I comment cos you made me laugh and brightened my day, not because i expect it back - just wanted to show appreciation)

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  53. Sir, you should feel appreciative of your wife. She is a wonderful, classy woman of impeccable tastes, talent, and can turn into A.D.D. latinahitler.

    For what it's worth, maaaan...y'know what >I< would do if I suddenly had power of attorney over a bro's 500 grand home?

    I'd run around naked in it, rub my prodigious number of penis-tentacles on EVERYTHING, then deposit a significant number of flip-lock belt knives all over the place.

    Why? Because I'm a good friend and bro, that's why.

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  54. Shit, I don't know your wife, but wanting to get midgets drunk is enough to go in without a pre-nup.

    But there is that whole toothbrush shiving thing...

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  55. My brother-in-law had oodles of money...that he stole from my sister. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. That's just how I feel most of the time.

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  56. I want your wife. I have to now attempt to be happy with whatever woman isn't willing to get midget jesters drunk. Suddenly, life is hard.

    Signing things is fun isn't it?!

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  57. I've got a brother-in-law that's exactly the same!! Only...without any money. Fortunately, mine never asks me for anything, 'cause while he can't rub any brain cells together, he can swing a hammer, and in that family, that's the measure of a man.

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  58. The best part is that you get to be an Esquire, just like Bill S. Preston.

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  59. You wanna do my taxes? I trust you. And I have WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY the f less to lose.

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  61. Hilarious!! Can't stop laughing.....Fighting Parkinson's, that one got me laughing hard. Good one guys.

    Check out Nokia's 41-megapixel phone here
    http://gazalazeez.blogspot.com/2012/03/nokia-808-pureview-41-megapixel-smash.html

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  62. I thought *I* had fucked up relatives!

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  63. Since I was a post closing manager at a title company for my last job I found this extra hilarious. I should probably tell some of the stories I have about the weirdo's that came in. Not that you're weird though. You're just awesome. I think your wife is the coolest too!

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  64. Yes! Drunken midget jesters and amateur lawyering in the same post. I will dedicate my next listening of Flood to you, and your wife, and your seriously over-rich brother in-law, and your partner in crime, and anyone else who likes They Might Be Giants. Rock on!

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  65. The net has really been a great leveler. How else can you explain Gujarati and Arabic finding place in your panels!

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  66. where did you find these brothers and how to I find them on blackmarket.com? (I hope that comment doesn't affect your google search ratings...or your freedom).

    This reminds me of the episode of the office where Michael is called into a deposition to defend his girlfriend..."that's what she said." epic...if you like the office. correction; if you LIKED the office

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  67. You do fight Parkinson's, and bash it around pretty good. All the best.

    LOL

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  68. Testing my ability to post a comment

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  69. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  70. Sigh, this time without the typo.

    You should have figured out how to skim a little off the top as your legal fees. Send him an itemized bill, just like a lawyer would. Time is valuable, and any lawyer worth their salt knows this...

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

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  71. So, I was just over at Brett's blog and one of you mention that you met your wife online etc... I was wondering if you have a post about it that I could read? Or, if you've never posted about it, would you consider a special request? (if it's a story you like to share)

    I'm sorry just to say "you" - I'm still confused about your identities. One draws, one writes, one has an audi, one has a wife... but... I just don't know how to piece it all together.

    Thanks!

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  72. I fucking love you guys.

    The upside-down Arabic scroll as well as the right-side-up Arabic scroll have entered the top ten of my favorite comics-of-yours.

    And next time you have a party that involves an influx of midgets, you better invite me.

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  73. lol gross income. it's funny how the more money someone has, the less commons sense they have.

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  74. Ahaha, my parents do the same to me. They're not ridiculously rich or anything, but they've been asking me to check over their taxes and bank payments, and house bills since I was 15. I try not to bluff too much, but sometimes I'm just like "the fuck is this?!"

    Sometimes you just gotta say no :)

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  75. Funny story! Love the upside down Arabic print, pretty clever!

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  76. Your life is so eventful, and not in a really bad way... in a way that you can turn it into something really funny. That was so nice to do that for your brother-in-law, people who have more money than sense are so annoying.

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  77. The t-shirt tux is definitely the way to go. It says you're about business but also about partying. Hilarious story!

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  78. Loved the cartoons! Interesting story!

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  79. I love the sweat marks on your unemployment uniform. :)

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  80. this is funny as hell! i too absolutely love ur grey wifebeater unemployment uniform with the sweat stains!!

    this is friction hilarious!

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  81. >>..."So, anyone want any shitty legal advice?"

    My friend, I'm not sure there's any other kind.

    As the saying goes: "The law is an ass", and hence it makes jackasses out of all participants.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  82. A former BIL also liked to marvel about "poor people". I went to a barbeque at his house once upon a time and when he asked what I wanted him to cook me on the grill I told him just a hotdog would be fine. (This was before I was a vegetarian. And knew what actually went into hotdogs.) He replied, "Hotdogs? We don't have any of those. That's poor people food."

    e_e

    Hell, *I* want to marry your wife after the midget drinking thing so I concede your point, sir.

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  83. Bryan, thanks for the great response to my question! Loved reading it and checking out the link. I had such an image of you guys living in a creaky broken down haunted house - that seeing the modern clean parking lot made me do a double take lol... but it's all good.

    I've mentioned you in my recent post - and I look forward to whatever you guys post next.

    Thanks again!

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  84. Hilarious. Love your chosen "attorney" outfit...it's like you raided Mr. Peanut's wardrobe!

    I had POA for my brother when he was active duty once, but never had to do anything except pay bills. It was just, you know, in case...

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  85. and then you find out... you didn't really sell your brother-in-law's house... you sold your soul... to midgets... drunk midgets... drunk jester midgets... Congratulations.

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  86. I just want to let it be know that I'm deeply in love with you wife.

    Feel free to pass that bit of info on to her. Oh, and this winky face ;)

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  87. Great post, Bryan Esq.! She's coming up short hahahahaha. If I had two brother-in-laws like that I know I could quit my job. So how come you ended up working... and 'courageously' at that? ;)

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  88. Bryan? Or Jack-of-all-Trades? Seriously--you've captured the "closing" perfectly, right down to that last shaky signature. Pass me some more papers, please... You still have the check? I'd 'ave pocketed it--that guy doesn't need the proceeds anyway, right? ;)

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  89. "Very carefully" was particularly hilarious as an accountant.

    Wonder how a project like this would be for you guys. Writing up a contract with legal-jargon showing what it REALLY means. Think it might be funny.

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  90. "I'm a little drunk." Dear god I hope I don't see a midget in a bar anytime soon, that joke will probably come spewing out of my drunken mouth. It would still be worth it, even if I get kicked in the shins.

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  91. i dont ever want to be a legal representitive for anybody, including myself. i might sell my liver buy mistake and loose the rights to my left leg. :/

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  92. and misspell fingsh like awwfuls

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