Two twin brothers spent their days drinking in a bar. However, unlike most twins, these two were not related, were different ages, and didn't resemble one another whatsoever. It was a curious thing, really. But
that may have just been the alcohol talking. And talk, it often did.
See, the twins had a very good mutual friend named Jack.Jack often gave them advice, and it was always terrible. He told them jokes that weren't funny. He told them about 'smoking hot' women who could have been mistaken for Gila monsters. He told them that they weren't talking loud enough and needed to shout everything they said, and to repeat it over and over and over and OVER again...
Jack was kind of a dick.
But on this one occasion, Jack had a good idea. Or, at least it seemed like a great idea...after ingesting a third of him.
The twins both wanted to go, but they had no idea how they could possibly get to the Apple factory if it was in the sky. So Jack pointed them toward the reputable black gentlemen in the alley out back, who had magic beans for sale.
And ate them they did...
And suddenly, a gigantic green profit margin sprang from the ground, growing higher and higher into the sky, with no end in sight. The twins began to climb.
The twins climbed and climbed, past the iPad release, past Siri, and even past the death of Steve Jobs, until they got to the magic castle in the sky, which looked a lot like a Chinese factory run by overworked 10 year old boys.
It was guarded by a fearsome giant... a corporate giant, to be exact. And no one that tried to get past the giant was able to. The twins, thankfully, just stopped listening to him and walked around him. The others, meanwhile, were held captive by the giant's giant-sized promises.
Past the corporate giant, the twins were excited to find the golden goose and its golden apples, which wasn't so much a "goose" as it was a "mentally retarded goat," and it didn't so much "lay" these apples as it "explosively shat them out."
The twins were elated. They each grabbed a golden apple and cracked one open.
The twins, now rich beyond their belief (and covered in a surprising amount of goat excrement), climbed back down the greenstock to Denver. And once more they asked Jack what they should do. Jack, in his infinite wisdom, told them this:
And that's the story of how Brandon and Bryan are no longer welcome in the Apple Store. It's also the story of how they no longer drink Jack Daniels, no longer buy weird pills from strangers, and aren't allowed within 200 yards of a goat farm.
I'm sure there's some kind of lesson to be learned here... but it's murky, ambiguous, and smells a lot like goat shit.
[posted from my iPad]
Music: Le Butcherettes
Beer: Modelo Especial