Monday, March 26, 2012

Jack and the Giant Greenstock

          [Today's post is my first adult bedtime story for the blog (Brandon created the first two), and, as always, was inspired by alcohol. Enjoy!]


          Two twin brothers spent their days drinking in a bar. However, unlike most twins, these two were not related, were different ages, and didn't resemble one another whatsoever. It was a curious thing, really. But 
that may have just been the alcohol talking. And talk, it often did.






          See, the twins had a very good mutual friend named Jack. 
Jack often gave them advice, and it was always terrible. He told them jokes that weren't funny. He told them about 'smoking hot' women who could have been mistaken for Gila monsters. He told them that they weren't talking loud enough and needed to shout everything they said, and to repeat it over and over and over and OVER again...
          Jack was kind of a dick.
          But on this one occasion, Jack had a good idea. Or, at least it seemed like a great idea...after ingesting a third of him.




          The twins both wanted to go, but they had no idea how they could possibly get to the Apple factory if it was in the sky. So Jack pointed them toward the reputable black gentlemen in the alley out back, who had magic beans for sale.


          And ate them they did...


          And suddenly, a gigantic green profit margin sprang from the ground, growing higher and higher into the sky, with no end in sight. The twins began to climb.


          The twins climbed and climbed, past the iPad release, past Siri, and even past the death of Steve Jobs, until they got to the magic castle in the sky, which looked a lot like a Chinese factory run by overworked 10 year old boys.
           It was guarded by a fearsome giant... a corporate giant, to be exact. And no one that tried to get past the giant was able to. The twins, thankfully, just stopped listening to him and walked around him. The others, meanwhile, were held captive by the giant's giant-sized promises.


               Past the corporate giant, the twins were excited to find the golden goose and its golden apples, which wasn't so much a "goose" as it was a "mentally retarded goat," and it didn't so much "lay" these apples as it "explosively shat them out."


          The twins were elated. They each grabbed a golden apple and cracked one open.




         The twins, now rich beyond their belief (and covered in a surprising amount of goat excrement), climbed back down the greenstock to Denver. And once more they asked Jack what they should do. Jack, in his infinite wisdom, told them this:     




          And that's the story of how Brandon and Bryan are no longer welcome in the Apple Store. It's also the story of how they no longer drink Jack Daniels, no longer buy weird pills from strangers, and aren't allowed within 200 yards of a goat farm.
          I'm sure there's some kind of lesson to be learned here... but it's murky, ambiguous, and smells a lot like goat shit.

THE END

[posted from my iPad]

Cheers,
Bryan

Music: Le Butcherettes
Beer: Modelo Especial


72 comments:

  1. Hahaha I love this. And the fact that the retarded goat made an appearance! Fantastic story.

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  3. Hooray, the mentally retarded goat with the orthopedic shoe made an appearance!
    That's quite the tale. So the moral is don't drink and shop? But how else will Ebay stay in business?
    [Sent from my iPad...no, that's a lie, I can't afford one, I just put that at the end of all my communications for status purposes.]

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  4. Bahahahah!

    I love listening what to wine tells me to do. I always end up awesome, like with glitter all over me and a stamp of Montana on my forehead.

    I really love the retarded goat. I think she's amazing.

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  5. It used to be cider with me and it telling me to pee in strange places...like letterboxes!

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  6. Zing, love the Bill Gates crack at the end.

    jack is evil, and a douche

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  7. Somehow, I get the impression that Jack is a bad influence from a bad family. His brother, Bells, convinced me when I was 17 that I could jump over ridiculously high walls. I couldn't.

    [sent from my cheap-as-hell Dell]

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  8. I always listen to my alcohol! It may not always be right but it sure does make things interesting!

    Those pills? It was lsd wasn't it? I mean look at how black those eyes were! lol

    Nice touch at the end... "Sent from my ipad" lol fantastic!

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  9. Love those crazy dilated pupils! Also the hipsters.

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  10. Reminds me of G's cartoon of apple's vault overflowing with money. All blood money man, good thing about outsourcing if Asians commit suicide, the product sales increases in US. I am a Microsoft person, but still I typed this from my iPad.
    if IBM's identity is blue color, "overpriced" is Apple's.
    Wonderful story. Loved it. what's with you Brandon you can't use more than 2 sentence without scat?you guys rock..

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  11. Love it! It's probably better if you guys stick to your good friend Beer, and leave the 2nd cousin twice removed Jack alone!

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  12. As a fan of Microsoft, about your "syphils" comment, if IBM is like middle eastern conversative husband who doesnt give access to his wife and gives no liberty , Microsft is like cool hubby who lets you have everything and all access and freedom and virus is like "divorce" possibility.
    iBM and apple are calculators who wants to insert virus into antique expensive clock or calculator, who wants to insert virus into those?

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  13. Loved this! I've got an iPhone but that's as far as my Apple need goes. 700+ for a laptop? That thing beeter take care of ALL my needs. And I do mean all. Guys, if you take care of Jack he'll take care of you. We've gotten sick a time or two, but we always go back to each other.

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  14. What a wonderful bedtime story. At first, I was a bit lost since I don't have any Apple products. I kept thinking about actual apples, Granny Apples being my favorite. :D

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  15. LMAO the overpriced shit line got a good laugh out of me. Just another reason for me to avoid those apple products and never listen to liquor.

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  16. I really hate people's unconditional love for apple products. When iPod nanos were hot, I had a genric mp3 player. Did about the same except I paid 200 dollars less than what they did. I did buy an iPod Touch because I want a smartphone for the mini-computer part but can't afford the data plan. So that was my only option.

    I'm going to get a droid tablet pretty soon, I can find some decent ones on clearance for 100-200 bucks. Can't say that about the iPad

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  17. I have myself fallen prey to the Apple mania most recently purchasing an iMac that I do not need because I have a MacBook, iPhone and an iPad. Steve Jobs is the devil. I am going to print out this lovely bedtime story and read it to my 10 year old....thats appropriate right?

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  18. This was very smart humor guys. Climbing the profit chart was brilliant and I didn't see that coming at all.

    Tequila is my mistress, but usually everything she tells me to do involves being topless. And by the way, I'm going to knock you bastards off that Wall of Shame somehow!!

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  19. My monday isn't complete until I hear a tiny penis joke.

    Thank you.

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  20. Ahh yes Apple... the corporation built by the lust of Hipsters. God I hate Hipsters. With their condescending lectures as to why PCs are the devil and why they drink PBR ironically. They do everything "ironically". I don't freaking understand how a person does EVERYTHING IRONICALLY. I'm pretty sure they all suck dick- ironically of course. Thick-rimmed black glassed bastards.

    I'm sorry. I got a little carried away.

    But I do love my iPod, in an ironic way.

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  21. Sure apple products might be overpriced goat shit but here I am still buying it all. lol.

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  22. Murky and ambiguous maybe, but at least it was not another gooey 'Hunger Games' post. Oh, just shoot me!

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  23. Dammit! I can tell from people's comments that I missed half the jokes lol... anyway, I enjoyed the post a lot. I'm not very inspired by Apple and take great joy in not having anything Mac.

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  24. Is the moral here "all that glitters is not gold; it could be goat shit?"

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  25. Ha ha ha... great story!! Love the bit about Jack giving bad advice "he told them they weren't talking loud enough"... I know I've been known to have that problem once or twice! :)

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  26. haha. i don't have any apple's product though.
    jack is a mind-tricker

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  27. Last time I was in an Apple Store I changed the homepage on the browser on each computer to my old blog. Got tons of hits for days before they changed it. Great marketing tip for ya.

    Jay

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  28. Goat shit is the appropriate description of most Mac products.

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  29. I think Jack works for Apple. True story: Jack told me to switch to wine one night (because it was "classier" than him, then told me to spill wine all over my macbook so it would quit working, and then told me I should drunkenly call Apple and order a new $2000 macbook. Jack is definitely in on this.

    [posted from my iMac, my macbook, my iPad, or my iPhone....I'm an apple whore]

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  30. I'm missing the retarded goat joke. If I get the time, I guess I'll have to peruse your archives. ...unless you just want to send me a handy-dandy link, which I promise to use.

    I was introduced to "jack-n-coke" which suits me because rum doesn't suit me anymore. But that's the only way I'll take my jack!

    My brother swears by his Mac. It sounds like they are good, but I wouldn't buy a new one every season.

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  31. Ha, ha. Seeing the purple hoodie hand over a blank check was too much. I suppose that he, too, got his advice from Jack Dickles, Jack Daniel's douchebag cousin?

    It reminds me of a Youtube video I saw. Don't worry, it's not porn.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHQCvSbHW-k

    (The video is in French, but the guy thought of adding English subtitles to it.)

    -Barb the French Bean

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  32. I'm typing on a Lenovo circa 1980. The keys are still sticky from the last guy who worked in this cubicle. He got fired for wacking it in on company time.

    Ah, anyway, I don't understand hipsters and their need to buy the same exact product for double the price.

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  33. I don't know, Jack does give some good advice. You shouldn't give up on him totally.

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  34. "Gigantic green profit margin!" LMAO!!

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  35. My favorite part of this one..."My 3 and 1/2 inch floppy might never be the same".

    Awesomeness abounds as always.

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  36. This is a great posting I have read. I like your article.

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  37. Great bed time story! I never talked to Jack. Since I am Mexican Jose (Cuervo) is the one who would put ideas in my head. Not any more, my stomach has become louder and overrides any ideas of drinking that stuff. Sad.. as you age your organs (stomach, liver, etc.) start to force you to listen to "reason".

    Love the appearance of your Hipster dude!

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  38. Oh snap! You even used the logo and everything! I am very pleased with this story, I might read it to myself to sleep tonight.

    Also, Le Butcherettes. I approve.

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  39. LOL...it's amazing to me how gullible people can be. I have a used, 2009 model Macbook because my brother-in-law gave it to me--for free--so he could buy the most up-to-date thing that Apple shits out every two weeks. The only time Apple ever got any of my money was when I needed a new charger for the 2007 model iPod nano that I bought on eBay for $30.

    The charger was $20.

    Anyway...this was yet another funny story. Jack is a bad mofo.

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  40. microsoft jokes are so easy...
    and, yet, still so funny!

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  41. How you were so gloriously smashed in the dome with the creative stick, I know not. But I sure do love reading your blog.

    He told them that they weren't talking loud enough and needed to shout everything they said, and to repeat it over and over and over and OVER again...
    Jack was kind of a dick.


    ^^^ FAVORITE

    -Michaela

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  42. Jack, Jack, Jack...my old teenage friend. It's been a long time but I still can't even smell you without recalling how every single time you made me puke in my parent's front bushes.

    Thanks for that.

    Also, I don't Apple shit.hahah

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  43. any way to work in a 3 and 1/2 floppy joke huh?

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  44. Yep, this one needs to get insta-added to "The Best of ABftS."

    And with the subtle [posted from my iPad] to boot. Genius.

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  45. Classic! Funny... and then slightly upsetting... and then kinda weird.... and then surprisingly arousing?... and then.....

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  46. If they were real geniuses the guys at the apple bar would hold you captive!
    Awesome post.

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  47. Bwahaha! I love that goat. He is also more intelligent than most people who use Apple products.

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  48. Jack is a complete asshole. He's a confrontational fuckward who never agrees with me, and in fact he is the only booze to be thrown out of my precious body.

    (Telling you that you are not speaking loudly enough and need to shout things over and over and OVER was inspired.)

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  49. *shakes head* Wow. That is all.

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  50. We all know from watching Dave Attell (sp?) that Jack Daniels should come with bail money. But I didn't realize until now just how similar JD is to the jerk in your circle of associates who exists only to see other people do stupid things.

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  51. An entire blog post about the Beatles' record label?!

    That's exciting, and makes me want to listen to "Abbey Road" again. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is hysterical.

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  52. That was a beautiful story. Is it just me, or did Jack progressively lose weight throughout the story?

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  53. Awesome bedtime story, but my daughter didn't like it. I missed the adult part in the first paragraph the first time I read it.

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  54. I don't think I've ever used or owned anything made by Apple. I think it's because I'm a poor person.

    You should do more fairy tales!

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  55. Renee Zellweger is only pretty in the dark, and when it's not her at all, but Gisele Bundchen before she popped out a child.

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  56. I love the magic beans! Man, I miss the '80s....

    [proudly posted from my MacBook Pro]

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  57. Ah his poor 3.5 inch floppy :O So much good stuff in this story :) over and over and over and over lol

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  58. this cheered me up so much yesterday in the hospital! More adult bed time stories.

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  59. Seems like they should have listened to Jack and gone with the fat chick.

    Great post as always! Love the line about both you having over prized shit in your hands!

    (Reading about Jack made me think of the movie Fight Club, where the narrator reffers to himself as Jack!)

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  60. Jack is quite a dick. This post is filled of so much brilliance. Thanks for all of the laughs.

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  61. Well it's Apple's loss not welcoming you after such mild adventures

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  62. That was a great story. I especially loved the cartoon panel about getting drunk and drag racing near the school for the deaf and blind. I wasn't expecting it and laughed hard. I showed a gal friend and she smiled because I was laughing, read it, and said, "That's not funny."

    I hate it when she's at that 'time of the month.'

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  63. Thanks guys...

    I needed a shot of reality.

    New follower (drinking wine.)

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  64. i am glad i dont drink jack or have any apple products.

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  65. its been a while since I've heard a 3 1/2 inch floppy reference. lol. nice throwback.

    I love Jack but man he recommends some of the WORST things. Fucking asshat, that Jack. Love to hate him.

    You guys sure know how to tell a bedtime tale that makes me want to snuggle up and drift off into fucked up dream land.

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  66. Ah, the Golden Apple shit. For all those who don't know what they are doing but want it, and for all those who know that they don't want it, but need it.

    Also, don't go mockin no Jack! He's got me through a lot of my troubled times with his sage advise and melting walls!

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  67. Never trust a bottle of Jack No. 7.

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  68. Haha! We use macs in media and they're pretty good for that kinda stuff but otherwise you don't really need to waste money on it.

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  69. I used to be friends with Jack, until he made me puke in a brand new plant pot given to someone as a wedding gift. We are no longer friends.

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  70. Oh. Oh wow.

    So much shit. Shit EVERYWHERE!

    And then you guys showed up, jesus christ Apple Stores are horrible places.

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  71. any post with the orthapedic downer goat, has my heart :)

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