Monday, March 19, 2012

How I Met Yo Baby Mama

        A good blog friend of ours asked a few weeks ago how I met my wife. And since 'at the state penitentiary' wasn't an acceptable answer, I guess I have to let you guys know how it was that I came to meet my blushing bride.
        It all started ages ago, back in the year of our Lord 2010, in a time of dating that wasn't nearly the same as it is now. We didn't have "meeting at bars" and "blind dates through friends" like you kids have now. No, we had a little thing called the "Internet," and it helped lonely people meet each other.
        So... I tried something a little different, and I signed up for a free dating site.



Unfortunately, right off the bat, the prospective candidates were not looking good. 



Sadly, from there it didn't get much better...


Yeah, I know, I know, she probably has a "great personality." Too bad she ate that too.

NEXT!


Didn't see that one coming, did you?

NEXT!




          Yep, I guess we were both a little shallow, because my profile didn't say a whole lot, and her profile literally only said "I have chinky eyes."
          BUT, in my justification, that made me laugh, which told me she had a sense of humor. Plus, all the other girls just said things like "OMG I love Twilight I want a guy like Edward" which is grounds for murder in some states.
          We e-mailed each other and hit it off well, so we met. For our first date, we went to all-you-can-eat sushi, which is a great first impression when you're double fisting greasy sushi rolls and popping buttons on your pants trying to out-eat the other person. At this point the courting process began. The verbal dance of seduction, if you will.







          WINNER! How can anyone top that? (We said none of those things, but that was a lot more interesting than idle dinner conversation)
          But as the night wore on, things seemed a little too good to be true. What was wrong with this girl? Well, suddenly, she told me; she had a dirty little secret.


















           Yes, that's right, that was her big secret. And trust me, I was sorely disappointed... because I was really hoping she was a badass cyborg with a gun for an arm and high powered laser boobies. But I guess a gamer for a girlfriend wasn't bad either.
            The rest is history, and here we are, on the brink of our first wedding anniversary, with many more adventures to come. They say no one is perfect, and that is certainly true of both of us, but for a woman she's as close to perfect as I'm going to get... until technology allows me to turn her into a cyborg with rapid fire laser boobies, that is.
         
Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Modelo
Music: City and Colour


83 comments:

  1. Hahah what a confession for a guy to hear...I definitely thought you were about to tell us all about her third nipple or something. Gaming? Too good to be true!

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  2. The video game thing was true and not just a ruse to entice potential suitors? And to think, back in the day people had to meet through Chuck Woolery.

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  3. So cute. I love your "How I met my wife story".
    That comment about toyota totally uncalled for.
    Both of you had nice pickup lines and seduction lines. What to say, "made for each other".
    Wish you happy anniversary and I am hoping that your dream does come true.
    Cyborg wifey shooting with her boobs and making you a sandwich.

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  4. Love the twist ending. I really thought she was a cyborg.

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  5. I love the eyebrows during your date-off. It makes me jealous of both of you.

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  6. "I must have stood on a landmine, because I'm all over you"

    Great post!

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  7. best {love} story i have ever read!

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  8. Would love to read the story from your wife's point of view! There would be fewer sandwiches in it, I'm sure.

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  9. Awesome, dude. This whole post brought a smile to my face! And congrats to you both! :D

    -Barb the French Bean

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  10. That was some hot dinner conversation. My husband seduced me over dinner too. Something along the lines of:
    him: *silence*
    me: *awkward shuffling*
    him:*more silence*
    me: *chain smoking*

    It was love from the very beginning.

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  11. Awww! I'm glad it's not just me that met the love of her life on the internet.

    Cute story, by the way. The trading of pick up lines made me laugh til I snorted. A rare feat!

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  12. I'll stick to the traditional methods if I ever find myself on the dating scene again. Let's hope it don't come to that!

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  13. hahaha I was really hoping for the cyborg too. So funny that's where you mind went, as that's what I do too, except mine would have been some alien rift..haha...I guess the internet can work, not for me though SCARY.

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  14. Sleeping on the couch for making a laser boob joke? Sounds like its worth it to me.

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  15. I wish I was as lucky as you, you could hire her out as an assassin when the upgrade happens, plays video games...I could cry!

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  16. Glad to hear that online dating does work! I, myself, have not been successful in that arena. All you have to do is read my "NutJob" post to see that I should leave online dating up to the pros. Awesome story; thanks for sharing!

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  17. Your blog is now just about the ONLY one I read with any regularity.

    This makes me feel a little guilty, because I have lots of nutritious news and issue blogs on my blog roll, a few literature blogs, science blogs... Things that will make me smarter and expand my mind.

    Damn you and your funny cartoons anyway.

    I can never resist a leprosy joke!

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  18. Ahhhh! I HATE online dating. That's what I'm back to and it's just as awful as I remember it the first two times I tried it. It doesn't really work well for someone that has anxiety about meeting new people and crowded places. Or for someone who prefers to stay at home and watch sports and read books. Sigh. Glad it worked out for you! :)

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  19. Oh, I love your story! Thank you for creating such a fun post about how you guys met. I know I'm ridiculous on this subject (on most subjects actually) but stories like these just thrill me!

    It was a very good idea to use your creative license to spice up your dinner conversation. In fact, maybe for your anniversary you should have dinner together and re-enact that first date - but this time use your new and improved dialogue. (And act out the conversation as well). It would be sort of cute ;-)

    Thanks again!

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  20. You've got to be kidding me. Why would that be a secret?

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  21. Dating sites are the worst aren't they? Even if you find someone that's not remotely hideous, they're so flaky about responding back.

    When I was 21 I went on one, and I saw some girl with the username skaterchick18 or something like that. Even though a lot of 21 year olds date 18 year olds, I still felt like that when I hit 22 it would be too far of a gap.

    Girl turned out to be 17 and still in high school (thankfully she admitted it from the first message), and it was at least 7 months until her next birthday. She said her parents were cool with someone my age, but honestly if I had taken her offer it would be pretty weird going to her prom.


    I had one girl agree to go on a date, and never showed up. She said she "forgot" and was "sorry". She had no job, no school, and apparently was the busiest person in history with no time to do much.....

    I then met my current girlfriend a bit later via online, and we've been together for about 2 years now. She's actually a little older than me; she's 25 and I'm 23.

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  22. I met my husband online too. =)

    I love how Al Gore is pictured in the background while you're using the internet - nice touch.

    Happy Anniversary and thanks for sharing your love story with all of us.

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  23. I've always wanted to try a dating website, but I got a girlfriend now.

    And, video games? That sounds pretty rough. How do you deal with that?

    Just kidding, I just had to tell my girlfriend that Wednesday nights are my gaming nights where me and my friends all jump on COD. She thinks I'm retarded to say the least.

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  24. Wow. I was just listening to "Robot Girl" by Was(Not Was).

    I hate dating. Online, live, whatever. It's all torture. I have high hopes of becoming a crazy old lady in a weeded-over house who scares all the neighborhood kids.

    So far I have successfully eluded my girlfriends who have met their S.O.s online and want to set me up with a profile.

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  25. Happy Anniversary. Love the story of your date - my hubby and I just had the 25th anniversary of our first date - only we can't remember exactly what day it was - as we were drunk for about three days in a row...True love...

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  26. I have an okputrid profile too. I wrote it when I was fall down drunk. And when I say fall down drunk, this was the night I invented a yoga pose called the drunk child (wildly popular in some circles).

    Glad to hear it worked out for you, although I too am disappointed she is not a cyborg.

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  27. Aww, such a sweet story. I hope you get your cyborg someday. I know my hubby would like one too, lol.

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  28. Lazer jubblies! How'd I miss those?

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  29. The first time my husband and I went out I spent the whole night talking about how much I loved my ex-boyfriend and how I was only out with him as a favor to my friends.

    Pretty sure he fell in love right then. Men are freaks. Then when I showed him my laser boobies, well there was no getting rid of him.

    We've been married more than 20 years now.

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  30. If you do sleep on the couch it was so worth it. I'm on a dating site but I'm yet to meet a Mexican gamer. You can bet that I'll be using some of those lines on her if I do though.

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  31. Awwwwwwee, this was quite adorable! ^^ It's also the same way I happened to meet my bf, which is why I never knock dating sites anymore. =P

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  32. Contrary to what someone else said; your posts do 'make me smarter and help to expand my mind'. Laser boobies? LMAO

    Glad to hear that your wife would at least, make you sleep on the couch. I mean what's a self-respecting cyborg to do?

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  33. That's just sweet.

    I've never dated a "stanger" before. Always a friendship that lead to more kind of thing.

    I wish you many years of happiness.

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  34. Haha. I know I'm Mexican but give me a little credit. +the cyborg ending was hilarious.

    On the other hand you won't know if she isn't until skynet activates!

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  36. ::laughs:: That was worth me sleeping on the couch tonight and I know I didn't do anything.

    What a wonderful story to tell your future children =)

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  37. Happy Anniversary! Great story; I also met my husband online, but he did not confess to his dirty little secret until it was too late! (I was already hooked). He is also a GAMER, but not the video game type! He is in to RPG's. Not the kinky "let's pretend I am a nurse and you are dirty patient in need of a bath", but the D&D type!

    Loved the "Pew, Pew Breasts"!

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  38. Aw that's cute. You're telling me she was ashamed of being a gamer or something here? Because this is the stuff I can't buy. Secret? The fock. I bet if you hadn't met her you would've won the lottery, just because luck likes you.

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  39. Great story. Two of my sons met their ladies on the internet. One is a video game designer and he met her in a gaming chat room. The other met his lady a little over a year ago on Match.com. They just got engaged last week and are planning a desitnation wedding in Jamaica in May 2013. (I met Mr. Eva in a bar....pre-internet days!)

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  40. Sir.... for being gutsy enough to actually put up that post and endure the wrath of Meli-Tron 3000 I bestow on you the highest honour any male can give to another:

    **Internet High Five**

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  41. Happy anniversary you two crazy kids!

    And, thanks to you, I have a new thing to put in a personals ad: "I'm looking for a girl with chinky eyes."

    Jay

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  42. Oh my god! You've out done yourselves! That post is so funny I laughed through out!! I can't believe she was worried about being a gamer? I'd think that would be a plus for most guys!

    I too wish my girlfriend had laser boobies... it just makes sense! Boobies and lasers!

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  43. I've never met a woman who's a gamer (as in seriously addicted gamer). Most women I know are addicted to shoes, boots and series about hospitals and hansome doctors. I guess you were lucky. Were you?

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  44. I met Mrs. Penwasser on a blind date. Good thing, too. Because, if she had opened her eyes, I would have been done.

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  45. Wait a minute, so you're not supposed to REALLY make obscene double entendres on a first date while unbuttoning your pants and double fisting sushi? (Bloody hell, I think that my have been the filthiest sentence I've ever written in a comment.) Next you'll tell me that I should leave the nunchucks at home!

    In seriousness though, Happy Anniversary, Bryan and His Better Half! Here's wishing you many, many more years of happy adventures. =)

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  46. You actually fell in love with and married a girl you met on the internet. I didn't think that EVER happened.

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  47. Well, it just goes to show... something. I'm not really sure what.

    Actually, I met my wife online, too, but not through a dating site.

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  48. I thought there weren't any girls on the internet...damn you Wikipedia for lying again

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  49. I want a gun for an arm and laser firing boobies. damn why can't we be cyborgs! :) Love the post

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  50. I know a few people that met their spouse online. I have never tried it.

    Loved the story. Had she had guys react badly in the past to her being a gamer?

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  51. If things with the Misses ever turn sour I bet I could help with the 2,000 lbs. of plankton. It's amazing how far $50 can go with a Sea World animal trainer.

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  52. You mean I would have to share the controller?

    I bid you good day Ma'am!

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  53. I tried PoF for all of two days before I gave up on it completely. I saw a few profiles from men I knew. Married men. Married men who claimed to be single.

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  54. Yeah, I can see how you would be sleeping on the couch. :D

    At least my first date was a bit more interesting than yours.

    We played bingo at the local VFW.

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  55. Happy Anniversary!! She sounds like an awesome woman! I'm still cracking up over the waitress comment.

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  56. "I have chinky eyes" , that took bravado to post and a great sense of humor. No wonder you were interested. Now I wonder what it was about your profile that she found intriguing.

    Happy Anniversary and here's to many more!

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  57. reads like a dream i had once., happy anniversary.

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  58. That's awfully sweet. Isn't a girl saying "I like video games" kind of like saying "I like it when you play with my boobies" and "I like cooking for you in the nude"? I mean, come on.

    Happy Anniversary :)

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  59. I would kill for laser boobies. And then I would kill with them...

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  60. I would kill for laser boobies. And then I would kill with them...

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  61. I love this post, Bryan. It's weirdly romantic and I'm sure Mrs. Bryan appreciates that. My husband and I met online in a *gulp* game! Neither of us are even gamers. Haha! I'll tell you the story sometime.

    One day I'm gonna meet y'all in person and Mrs. Bryan and I are gonna trade tales of our husbands and drink good beer and tequila and poke a little fun at y'all. I can see it now. Beware, my friend. Beware.

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  62. Luckily no one is in the office but me, because I am laughing my ass off! Love it all. Especially OKPutrid. That is where my brother met his girlfriend (and we all wish he hadn't.)

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  63. Oh, oh WOW! "I play video games," yeah I have a special diamond ring that I keep just so I can whip it out at a chick who says THOSE magical words!

    Jesus christ did you sell your soul or something to land someone like her? Great sense of humor, delicious brown skin, freakin' plays the vidyuh...

    Yeah. You sold your soul to the Devil. You HAD to have done so~! And through an online dating site?

    Ugh. It' snot that I don't believe you, I just don't WANT to believe you!

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  64. Hilarious! Congratulations on your first wedding anniversary.

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  65. Good stuff as always.

    I tried the site you speak of, but to no avail. I kinda gave up after a while, but have recently begun an "experiment" with it, which shall appear on my blog in a month or two.

    P.S. Mwahahahhaa!

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  66. I'm a dude and I'd love ém laser boobies. Hell I'd get me boys tucked in, just so I could rock them thangs. And if I ever felt lonely, I could just feel myself up. This is really going to fuck up Lent.

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  67. Great post,I really like your article

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  68. The entire office is currently running for the bathroom to avoid pissing themselves laughing over the hamburglar comment.

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  69. lol
    nice post
    Congratulations on your first wedding anniversary.

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  70. Happy Anniversary!

    You should start a dating site called "beermatch.com" where the profiles only have one-liners.

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  71. I'm a dog trainer and I want to 'throw you a bone'.

    Happy impending anniversary.

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  72. Forget the gaming. She's adorable, in all her incarnations, how could you not fall for her? ;)

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  73. Online dating is not bad if you use your head right. I've had some seriously fun and very hot dates when I started using it. It is how I met Bruce. It was great for several years so I can't blame the internet!! Wish you guys lots of happiness. Cute story.

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  74. can we please discuss how adorable the post REALLY is and how incredible the she-penis/elephant trunk under her dress is?! so glad that wasn't her secret but it sure was husband face's over here...that and he LOVES wrestling.

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  75. My other name is a gamertag. :)

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  76. I've tried it a couple of times and was sadly disappointed and picked up a few stalkers along the way.

    Glad it worked out for you!

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  77. The hamburglar is a selfish lover actually!!! The only thing he jacks is your self respect!!! I.... uh.... hear?

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  78. Dude I met my boyfriend the same way! And I'm a gamer too:) Nice post!

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  79. true story) daym what a cool blog

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