Monday, March 5, 2012

The Gremlin Who Pooped My Pants

I haven't been sleeping all that well lately. I've tried all the usual remedies: counting sheep, slugging back a fifth of Tanqueray, or even having a nice warm glass of Pilk (Pig milk!) before bed. But even though swine teat juice might sound delectable, the only thing that seems to help at all is having Bryan read me a bedtime story. Which, his wife seems to think is a little "weird," but hey, what the fuck does she know anyway? Anyway, my favorite story is one called "The Gremlin Who Pooped My Pants"...





There once was a little boy named Mikey, and boy, was Mikey stupid. I don't just mean 'stick a fork in an electrical socket' stupid, I mean 'let's run some more tests just to confirm he's not special' kind of stupid.




Mikey lived in a magical kingdom (that looked a lot like a double-wide trailer) with his gem of a mother, who got knocked up at 16 and thought that getting her GED and just 'sticking it out' with her abusive boyfriend was a completely doable life plan.





Mikey was also a weasily little liar, and he liked to make up really stupid lies that not even his drunk, below-average intelligence mother could buy. The one thing he lied about the most was his incontinence, which happened up to 3 times a day.







But the next day, when Mikey woke up, he found his pants full yet again. And like the stupid child he was, he waddled out to his mother, who asked him why in God's name he liked to make her life so difficult and if it was a consequence of not fully understanding proper condom use.









 
And again, on the next day, when Mikey woke up, his pants were full as ever. Possibly more full than they had ever been. And again he gave some foolish bullshit lie, and again he got spanked. This continued for 12 more years, until social services removed him from the home and put him into an orphanage where he later died of typhoid... and sadness.







And a good night to you, one and all.

Cheers and stay classy, folks.

-B&B

Beer: Colorado Native
Music: The Beatles

70 comments:

  1. Child abuse..... it may never be funny, but often times it can be hilarious.....

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  2. I could rightaway say who wrote this story from the title. And totally agree about tacobell and poop smell. I once saw in a tacobell, where the storeclerks dropped the ice on floor and then picked it up and put right in fountain coke maker thingy.
    Forget about Mikey's mother, mikey could blame Santa Claus but never could figure out who was pooing his pants? And what happened to diapers?

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  3. I can't say that it's an improvement on The Princess Bride - but it's definitely competition lol... Really made me laugh - I think I'll have to read it again!

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  4. With a tale like that, how could you not sleep like a baby...who shits its pants. Mikey might be my new favorite ABftS character. If we can get Mikey riding the retarded goat with an orthopedic shoe, my dreams will have come true.
    And you were informative. I didn't know Pilk was a thing that existed, now I must try it.

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  5. Remind me not to come to you guys for my insomnia. EVER.

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  6. I don't want to accept how much sense that makes. But I think you have another publishing deal right there guys.

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  7. This is what we need to read children these days. Not any of that fairy tail crap. It's filling their minds with... ideas.

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  8. Wow, scare the shit out of the kids literally and a happy ending!

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  9. I don't know what I love more about this story. The liberal use of the word shit, the power rangers blankets, or the pedo santa peeing in the flowers.

    LOLOLOLOLOL.

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  10. LOL what a surprise ending! I thought maybe he had a disorder or something rofl. poor mikey

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  11. I don't know how to break this to you boys, but you won't be getting the Pulitzer Prize for this one.

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  12. Damn that was kinda dark. But she only beats him senseless because she loves him. Still a better love story than twilight though.

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  13. not gonna lie, this story made me sleepy. And I am looking forward to the dream sequence that shall come as a result of reading this story. Im thinking it's gonna be weird.

    Youre hilarious as always dude.

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  14. It's too bad that Mikey never know his mother was the culprit or he could have gone up to her and said, "My name is Mikey the dullard. You pooped in my pants. Prepare to die."

    I loved this entry because laughter is always the best when I feel a little wrong about it doing it. XD

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  15. haha the power rangers blanket and Stan Lee was great. Also like how you went with the whole Princess Bride story telling process. Kids now know to keep their pants on and child abuse is wrong but funny, good lessons..lol

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  16. "he later died of typhoid... and sadness."

    I felt bad that I had a smile on my face the entire time I was reading this, then I felt really, really bad when I bust out laughing when I read that line. I'm still laughing....and feeling a bit guilty too.

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  17. just love the drawings of mikey...awh snooty noses and the warm squishy feeling of pooped pants!!!

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  18. You have definitely struck a wonderous mix of Amusement and Guilt both at the same time. Where else but here, could we find such a morally conflicting combination =) Cheers.

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  19. That was fucking brilliant. I love the twist ending too. I didn't see that coming at all. My money was on a retired circus monkey that lived next door. Well done gentlemen.

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  20. I honestly didn't see the surprise twist coming

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  21. LMAO @ Kat!!!

    I had a feeling it was Mom. Except I was thinking Munchausen instead of feelings of guilt, inadequacy and a general 'I hate my life and myself'.

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  22. Nice! Poopy diapers are gross, and children shouldn't tell fairy tales, that's for grownups to do!

    Oh, and take melatonin for that sleeping problem, it works pretty good.

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  23. I'd want to frame and beat Mikey too - ugliest fucking kid ever.

    Actually, I'm not sure I have that in me... I would have left him outside of a 7-11 on my way home from the hospital.

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  24. totally make me laugh!
    you guys seriously have talents to be hilarious

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  25. That first drawing of Mikey absolutely cracked me up. I also love the detail of the stretch marks on the mother's belly. Awesome post all round!

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  26. M. Night Shamalanamalamalan is taking notes. What a twist!

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  27. pig milk? wtf?! bwhahahahahaah Love the story! Crazy methhead woman!

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  28. Gremlins are quite the trend today, as my latest post also includes them.

    Blue footed boobies for the win!

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  29. huh, I just don't know what to do with this.

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  30. My mum used to tell me that story........

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  31. That totally needs to be made into a movie. Since Peter Falk has died, I suggest Wilford Brimley to play the story reader. Dane Cook is the one being read to and Jonah Hill should play the kid with poop in his pants.

    The mother will be played by Russell Brand in drag.

    Instant hit.

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  32. I love the sophisticated old man reader look of Bryan...quite amusing!

    But I think the bed time story is not gonna help you get to sleep. If anything, I'd say it makes sleeping worse! Good luck sleeping now, Brandon!

    Sweet dreams! lol

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  33. I have no good response to this.

    However, if you really can't sleep, just don't do it. Waste of time anyway.

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  34. I knew the mom did it early on. I'm good at these things. This is why I only have to watch the first 30 minutes of CSI.

    Jay

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  35. Wow some really important lessons were learned here today.

    The poor lil guy died of sadness. Womp womp.

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  36. "It was his mother" HOLY-- this is what M. Night Shyamalan is (was) made of. Make this a movie. Or a book, books work too.

    Reading the comments before posting this, it seems I've thought things that other people thought first. Hiss.

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  37. Love the twist!

    But did it work? Did you sleep well after this tale, or did disturbing dreams come a-knocking?

    I think I'd be too scared of phantom poo-ers to sleep.

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  38. Hilarious and as a mother of a drunken, disrespectful college student I think we should go back to the days where giving your child a good crack across the back of the head would not land you in handcuffs. I miss the old days.

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  39. Oh, oh wooooow....

    Just...VHAT A TWEEST! I actually DIDN'T see that coming, and I pride myself on being able to second-guess stories.

    Dude...you guys are some seriously bad dudes.

    Bad enough to save President Ronnie AND hack the Gibson at the same time!

    Holy shit I am just...impressed~!

    That and also for some reason the mothers' far-too-pink stretch marks just had me chuckling. I haven't a clue why.

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  40. You are a strange man, with strange ideas, and my full attention. I read this before I went to bed and I don't remember anything but nightmares.

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  41. Have you been spying on my neighbors? hahaha

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  42. That was a very dark ending. Was not expecting that.

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  43. I pray my kids never catch on to my little "Who the hell ate all the damned PopTarts!?" tirades. Those things are so damned tasty and it's fun to watch them accuse each other.

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  44. You should have warned me not to read this at 7pm. Now I'm ready to snuggle into bed with my sweet dreams. *shrugs* Oh well, guess I'll just have to give it another read come bed time.

    It helps that my dream was always to have Peter Falk read me a story. *sigh* Alas that will never happen...so this is a very close second.

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  45. Good lesson... kind of like a modern Aesop's Fable, just darker and with more poop...

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  46. I thought it was going to be a Princess Bride parody, I'm not sure where it sits with me at the moment :p

    The picture of the kid good, he should hang out with that goat in the sneaker

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  47. My mom also used the Wooden Spoon as her weapon of choice. I'm surprised she didn't have a holster made for it.

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  48. This is...impressive. I am more than a wee bit concerned for your assumed future children and their assumed future bedtime stories.

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  49. Now *I* am going to have a hard time sleeping. Seriously? That is why I saved the sociology textbooks from college - in case I ever had insomnia. Because I fell asleep accidentally while reading them so many times. Give it a shot.

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  50. nothing wrong with some meth dick... lol wtf. im thinking lazy boy recliners, but thats only because i have 2 pairs of goggles

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  51. Ewww. This is why some of your posts should come with the warning "Do Not Read While Eating Lunch." I'm pretty sure the "shart" label says exactly that, but it's at the bottom of your post.

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  52. Fantastic....Dr. Suess has nothing on you (and not just because he's dead).

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  53. Ooh, you were right. Disturbing bedtime stories from the slums. I can't even look at a Taco Bell. And I'm so glad my kids are now old enough to wipe themselves. ;)

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  54. Tell it again! Tell it AGAIN!

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  55. I think I'll ask someone to read this to me just to see their "WTF?!" face as the story progresses.... but I'll pass on the Pilk.

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  56. Poor kid. Poop in his pants. And the mom did it. Dumb bitch!

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  57. I like this story cause it's relatable.

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  58. Who needs sleep when you could be writing? Poor Mikey. The good thing is, you never said she made him change his pants first, so he had cushioning when his mom beat him...?

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

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  59. That's what I call sound advice. Your little bed-time story also reminds me of a dirty song I used to sing a lot: CLICK!

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  60. The real question is, how the hell did she manage to fit into a pair of pants meant for a child?

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  61. I like your picture of the blue-footed booby.

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  62. My son used to hide his poopy undies in the hamper and insisted he didn't know how that happened. He is 25 now and would probably be pissed I am telling you this....tee hee.

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  63. Well, I'm glad it had a happy ending, 'cause I hate sad stories.

    ~ Uncle Steven McDogg
    (a.k.a. "Santa")

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  64. LMAO!!!!!!!!! seriously, who are you and how do you do this?! i knew it was all over and the stomach cramps would set in when I read "swine teat juice." do you really drink that?!

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  65. Nobody classes it up like you two. I mean that! If you ever read my very first blog post, you will know about my relationship with HSN. If you were on that channel, I can't even imagine how that would play out. I'm gonna have to think on that and get back to you. Ha!

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  66. That was so horrible! Horribly funny that is.... I can always count on you guys to make me laugh out loud. I would write LOL but that's just fucking douchey to write anymore.

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  67. So im spending some time catching up with your posts.... and this is one "shitty" way to start! This story is probably from the makers of "The gremlin that makes my dreams wet!" huh?

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