Thursday, March 15, 2012

Death Insurance

So, as I was sifting through this month's bills I was reminded of the fact that I pay entirely too much money towards the hypothetical prevention of future cataclysm. That's right, more than half of my bills are insurance related and it's gotten me to thinking: what the fuck for? Home insurance, car insurance, hell, even health insurance. Why do I allow money to be siphoned out of my bank account monthly and sucked into the nether, knowing that it has never, and probably will never, pay off? And even if it does, I know I'll have to fight tooth and nail to make the insurance company shit out a measly buck. Have you ever tried making a claim on your homeowner's insurance?











Yes, I AM an idiot. And of course I upgraded. And it's a good thing too, because the next day another Boeing 747 (this one full of nuns and the mentally handicapped) finished the job and turned the rest of my house into a giant, sizzling barbecue. For that, I won't subject you to any grisly pictures, but suffice to say, it was quite disgusting. There's an Ash Wednesday joke just waiting to be made there, in case anyone's interested. However, now I was homeless and since my bills were scorched I couldn't pay my health insurance.




Thank Christ for Aeronautical Collision Plus Home Insurance












Let's face it, you either get what you pay for, or (if you survive back alley surgery) you pay for what you wish you would have gotten. All I wanted was my goddamn arm back.

Cheers,

-Brandon

Beer: Can't remember. It was my birthday last night.
Music: Telemann

79 comments:

  1. Gotta hand it to Screech (see what I did there?), he is always down to make a gross video.

    Ugh, insurance companies depress me so much, as you might already know. You aren't too far from the truth.

    Happy belated birthday!

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  3. I'm going to try this again. Great skit. Insurance coverages overlap, yet no one is responsible when it comes time to pay out.

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  4. Happy birthday for yesterday.

    I hate everything to do with insurance. It should have been planes full of underwriters and claims-adjusters that crashed into your house.

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  5. Happy Birthday, dude!

    We have insurance for just about anything as well. Costs us a glued on arm and leg.

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  6. A belated Happy Birthday and I fecking hate insurance on anything especially me, it's like being arse invaded monthly and not in a good way either....

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  7. Happy birthday gorgeous. Hope it was amazing. Hey look, here I am and there are only 6 comments ahead. Whoo hoo, go me.
    As for insurance, I feel your pain. Feel like I pay way too much but at least when I needed to get my car repaired they sorted it.
    Unlike your house. Hope you can get the smell of burning flesh out of your remaining set of clothes

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  8. The insurance guy looks like quite the hipster. Thanks for making me smile on your birthday.

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  9. Happy belated birthday! So many birthdays in March...

    I don't really know much about insurance but it mostly seems like a waste of money.

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  10. I have this images of a lot of Whoopie Goldbergs crashing into the house....dancing and singing...

    I am currently milking my health insurance...chest x ray you say? Oh why yes just throw it on the list I still need to get my eyes bleached!

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  11. The best thing about insurance in India is that it
    matures after a time, so if nothing happened to you, the finance company pays you back, after the term for the insurance ends.

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  12. Hilarious post!

    In all seriousness though, I am so glad I live in Canada. I won't pretend it's all honey and roses here; things here are far from perfect. But my conscience just kills me when I read about suffering victims of money-grubbing, arsehole US Medical Insurance companies. It's horrible how much those corporations are able to distance themselves from the fact that their greed is daily killing people who didn't need to die. Sickening.

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  13. There is a lot of insurance out there, most of it expensive. My brother recently crashed his car and I'm not sure if he got anything from the insurers besides raised premiums and higher bills.

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  14. Happy Birthday! Insurance sucks - but life without insurance in America apparently isn't life. So you have no choice.

    I do love the freedom I have here on that front. Need to talk to a doctor? Just call him up on his cell phone. Then, if he needs to actually see me; I just drive over and have a few minutes wait before a consultation.

    For the visit, excluding any actual procedure, I just have to pay about two US dollars. Definitely a more relaxed way of living.

    And on that happy and congratulatory note to self - and as self pats self on the back...

    Cheers!

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  15. I hate insurance companies...all forms of insurance! They are such a ripoff! But it is required and so we must continue to pay their insane bills and continue to struggle to survive.

    Is the black market doctor open for business? I might be better off visiting him rather than making an insurance claim at a real doctor!

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  16. Womp womp. Insurance companies are the WORST.

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  17. In no particular order: bankers, Wall Street (all of it, even the homeless there), politicians, insurance companies. Demons walk among us. After 5 years of having our wallets milked like the teet of the Octomom, if you don't have a claim, they should be forced to refund at least 10%, or come to your house and personally throw you a birthday party (happy birthday by the way). Or I get to punch my insurance agent in the face. I'm not sure which I'd choose.
    Now if only I could blink without the mental image of you dragging a fat kid out of chandelier.

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  18. You have a chandelier in your house? Well, lah dee dah, Mr Fancy Pants! I suppose you had to fish nun-kibbles out of your piano shaped pool too? Did you have to hire a clean up team to patrol the acres of land for stray giblets?

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  19. I was actually thinking about getting life insurance too. Thanks for convincing me not to. lol.

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  20. I pay a wopping 25 cents for life insurance. Here's hoping I don't lose a leg.

    Buuut, I did somehow gain money from my insurance company after hitting a deer. They gave me $600 dollars to give to the repair man, but he said he already received the money. So I cashed it and put it away.

    Medical on the other hand is horrifically expensive.

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  21. God, fighting with those morons to pay out is usually worse than the accident itself. They get you every way they can, trying to make you update to this and that. The selling insurance on insurance is the best though. You pay for "if crap happens" then you pay so "if crap happens" you're premiums won't increase.

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  22. Happy birthday, maybe you can get your arm back as a present...insurance companies are awful, especially medical, if I have to see the words "not medically necessary" again for one of my patients I might jump out of a window! Or maybe not..I want it to be "medically necessary" to get my cuts stitched....

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  23. Was it really your birthday last night? Hang in there, dude. Or should I say old dude.

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  24. Happy Birthday! I can SOOOO relate to this post. It took a year and a half to settle with our insurance company after our fire. They were complete asses about the entire thing - like adding salt to a festering wound - which probably wouldn't be covered under my current health plan!

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  25. Ah yes, Insurance the oldest scam in the world.

    I myself have no problem with living without most of it. I do prefer to have health insurance when I can, but that's for the children. (Won't someone think of the children!!)

    And a Happy belated Bday to you love,

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  26. Happy belated birthday! I have insurance through work, but it's onlt sicne last August. Prior to that, nada. Fortunately for me I never get sick or need to go. The whole concept of insurance, for anything, is a rip off.

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  27. i always insurance was a form of gambling, all the same i am going to keep up with my lindsay lohan insurance. dont want that happening again ! happy birthday bud, thanks for stopping by.

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  28. Belated Happy Birthday Brandon!
    Hey, youtube doctor showed up.
    Insurance is pretty much useless if you arent in family way or you dont do skydiving or you dont drive in Newyork.
    One time me and my husband both were paying for insurance for around 6 months - he around 300 per month and me around 500 per month. So dont call yourself idiot, else people like us would be left with no words.

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  29. Happy Belated Birthday!

    Insurance sucks; the alternative is not having insurance at all. I'm pretty sure Murphy, of Murphy's Law, would have you wishing you'd kept paying the premiums rather quickly. Or maybe that's just me... Murphy & I don't always see eye-to-eye.

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  30. Happy Happy Birthday to you =)

    Did the nuns smell like burning mothballs? Just curious.

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  31. Happy birthday - I hope you drank something worth forgetting!

    As someone about to quit a job with FANTASTIC benefits and then start hunting around for something else, you just made me feel better about becoming one of the uninsured. So thank you.

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  32. They say it's your birthday, so... Happy B.D.

    Insurance, the gutting you love to hate.

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  33. Here's a little belated birthday present for you. Last year, when Steph and I were living at home, we were sitting on our living room couch watching Family Guy when a f***ing tree straight fell through our ceiling causing plaster and two-by-four's to come raining down on our defenseless bodies. Our parent's homeowner's insurance had to pay out over $100,000 to get it fixed and house us in the Marriott Residence Inn & Suites for 5 months. It was the BEST. So keep paying those bills boys, keep paying those bills.

    -Ash

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  34. Happy Birthday!!!! And to think, you were busy writing and designing a post for us - thank you!

    I've been very lucky with insurance - homeowners and health, but hubby is retired military so that has a lot to do with it...

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  35. Dude! Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I would have baked a cake!

    It was pi day, though, and we have leftover, if you want a slice.

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  36. I loathe insurance companies. It's like going to the store, and you have to make sure the cashier doesn't take the product you pay for when you're not looking.

    Happy birthday

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  37. feels way too true to be funny.

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  38. Jesus Christ, but you've got the luck of the Irish don't you. I'm sorry about those planes hitting your house, but I pay may pilots in alcohol and with that map of your home I posted in all the cockpits, well this was bound to happen. You better get more insurance because I think you're going to need it.

    Happy Birthday!!!

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  39. I want your claims adjuster. Mine is pushing 80, and I had to repeat myself 60 times when my back yard flooded, destroying my deck...

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  40. Ah those things are only good for the first year or so. If you take it to a savings account, after a year or so you'd be doing a better job than a company would even want to.

    But yeah, Bryan's the go-to guy if I ever lose my arm then? Good to know.

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  41. Thats why I don't use insurance! I prefer to take risks then get screwed!

    Great post as always! You guys are always funny!

    One thing this post taught me: There is a Screech porno out there. I gotta go now!!

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  42. bwhahaah.... Im loving this. I don't have the health insurance either, my job kinda sucks! Love the post, maybe oneday they can screw me over as well. Till then I just get the back alley services!

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  43. Hee...i know i've said it before but i have to say it again...i love you guys!

    Don't you just l o v e the medical world?

    Ash Wednesday!!!!

    Best Always, tracy

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  44. After my horrific car accident that was the fault of a drunk driving whore it took 6 mother-fucking years to get my money from the insurance company. Assholes. "Drag a fat burning kid out of a chandelier"....that's gonna have me chuckling all afternoon.

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  45. this is soooo true. Before i got sick i thought that insurance was the BIGGEST rip off EVER! but i have to admit that now that i'm sick and have this God awful dreaded disease, i'm really glad that i have it :-)

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  46. I definitely hate dealing with insurance... the funny thing is, every insurance agent I know uses a different insurance than what they sell. That says a lot...

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  47. I somehow missed the happy birthday bandwagon on twitter. I'm a horrible follower! *Hangs head in shame* Happy Birthday though!

    Everything about paying out money for insurance sits wrong with me. I know I need it in the logical part of my brain but knock on wood I never have to use it...so it's "wasted" money if you will. Annoys the piss outta me.

    PS...sorry about the nuns, MR kids, and choir members who have left pieces of themselves all over your place.

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  48. I'm a walking embodyment (I tried to type that 4 times, and it still doesn't look right) of why insurance WORKS.

    I paid year after year on my super nice car. Luckily I never had an accident. And JUST when I was getting towards the end of my payments, JUST when I was laughing at the fact that I dolled out a hundred bucks every month, my car was stolen (thank you, douche bags of Dallas!). BUT, since I had up-to-date coverage, I got a nice little check that covered my payments, and left me with enough to put a great down payment on a new car. Therefore, I didn't get screwed because of someone elses stupidity.

    Also...you might scoff at health insurance, but as soon as you break your leg, need your appendix removed, or are diagnosed with cancer, it suddenly pays off!

    :)
    Jen

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  49. I have paid thousands in insurance for several years and have never made a claim on any of it. I would love to have that money back.

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  50. I'm insurance is just a for of voluntary tax for bankers... and if you ever do need to claim they never pay out

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  51. I'm not sure if it's because it relates so much to my current uninsured and injured situation, but I kinda love this a lot. The only thing missing is when the doctor's receptionist makes the sign of the cross after you walk away from her.

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  52. WOAH, it was your birthday yesterday?

    Gah, switching to graveyard shift hours does wonders to one's perception of time. Bah.

    Happy Birthday, dude!

    And yeah, insurance is kind of an interesting racket. I've thought before that it could be interesting, certainly lucrative, to start up one of my own 'cept there's all sorts of hurdles you have to jump, kinda like becoming a bounty hunter or starting a security guard company. Reckon the only way to get into insurance is to GET INTO the fucking field, rather than putting up with their jackbooted thugs knocking at your door making vague threats and selling you cookies and more insurance.

    Gah, claims adjustors are the worst. Can't knock 'em too hard, y'know? "Ya gotta pay the mortgage" and all that rot. On the other hand, does one ever just wake up in the morning and go, "Y'know, I could've been a asshole doctor. I could've, literally, specialized in asses. Instead I became a claims adjustor. Gah."

    I forgot where I read about it, but it can screw with a claims adjustor's life too, especially life insurance. They begin to see people as numbers, y'know? All the little factors that comprises of their vices and personality, that kinda thing. Really screws your perception of a party, y'knowwhatImean?

    Bah, now I need an orange, get this taste outta my mouf. :3

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  53. Well, happy belated birthday to ya!

    Seriously, though, the insurance companies in this country are ridiculous. Are you able to apply to get a prosthetic arm or has that been refused due to some pre-existing condition?

    -Barb the French Bean

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  54. nice i enjoying reading your site

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  55. Geez, how did the spammer fuck comment in front of mine make it?!

    Happy late birthday...hope nothing caught on fire. 'Cause your insurance won't pay for it.

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  56. PS Out of all of the junk mail I get for my late mother-in-law, the life insurance offer that came last week was probably the most priceless.

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  57. As a kid we didn't have such luxuries so it's a novelty for me to whip out my insurance card when I need more baby-killing pills (TMI? one day I'll learn my boundaries). I also really find our insurance rep to be ...fascinating. His name is Rocco English and has only women working in his office. But when I'm not getting my face smashed in and spend 70% of my freetime on my buttocks I have to wonder why the bills keep coming. If I report I didn't do shit this weekend, can I get some of that charge deducted?! uh oh..biz venture...

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  58. Happy Belated Birthday! XD

    Urgh, hate, hate, hate insurance companies. We had travelling insurance via my uni when we were going on a service trip, and my cell phone got stolen in Vietnam.

    I sent the insurance company emails and phone calls for 2 solid months, and they never replied back. At the end I got so mad, I just started spamming them with email subjects like "REALLY IMPORTANT EMAIL FROM [INSERT NAME OF UNI]", and then writing swear words in the email.

    Check out this Russian insurance ad, hilarious as hell:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mljuKH_Dew0

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  59. That was hilarious!!!!!! Now I think I might have to stalk your blog!

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  60. Really amazing! This is art! will be following you from now on :D

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  61. "There's an Ash Wednesday joke...." ha. Love it. I was surprised to find out my renter's insurance is only $85 for a year. And it actually covers all my shit. Granted I sleep on a bed older than my grandpa and my kitchen table is one I assembled myself from Walmart, but still.

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  62. So glad I live in Canada where healthcare is free...

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  63. An obviously under-trained doctor.
    A competent sawbones would clearly use duct tape.

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  64. WE might have high taxes in Australia, but we have free medical as well :)

    Bonus tax breaks if you have private health too

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  65. Happy Birthday!

    Comedian Michael Boatman had a skit where he suggested setting the insurance company on fire so that they'd be forced to make a claim.

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  66. So true. Hate insurance companies.

    Happy Belated B-day;)

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  67. I spend probably about half of my income on different insurances, too. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to just put that money in the bank or spend it. Probably spend it.

    Happy belated birthday!

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  68. Definitely an issue. My brother recently stopped being a full time student due to lack of units and now doesn't have student insurance.

    We were scrambling asap to find some coverage for him that would ensure never seeing screech.

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  69. Boom for being too cheap to have insurance :D mind you if anyone broke into my house all they would find is a virus riddled laptop with a questionable internet history, a shitty tv and a xbox on the verge of red ringing so the jokes on them :P. Fire and crap well my stuff is so shit it doesn't cost much to replace

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  70. Also thanks for giving me the idea to add a stumbler button :)

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  71. The secret of making successful insurance claims is giving as little info as possible. The more you say, the more wriggle room the bastards have to get out of paying. As I’m so wordy I never bother making insurance claims, I would probably end up owing them....

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  72. Never read your homeowners insurance. Just don't do it.

    The fact is, most of the stuff I'm most worried about happening isn't covered.

    Civil uprisings? Not covered!
    Volcano eruption? Not covered!

    It's hardly even worth buying the damn insurance if none of the cool stuff is going to be covered.

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  73. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDON! I wish you only amazing things in the year to come!

    Must admit a bit grossed out by the bloody bony arm :/ lol. PS. don't skimp on insurance!

    - Juliet x

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  74. Something tells me (a) some people are brainless or (b) machines. Either way, we waste a lot of time trying to explain things to them that they're clearly not interested in (or have not been programmed to understand).

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