I don’t usually ever play the lottery, but for some reason I found myself walking out of the gas station with a Powerball ticket today. I’m not really sure how it happened. Maybe the Pakistani attendant misinterpreted the English of my actual request for a plastic-wrapped adult magazine. Or maybe it was my fault and I was blinded by the daydream prospect of 250 million dollars suddenly being shat into my bank account and just don’t remember asking for the thing. But, regardless of how it happened, I’ve got a little slip of paper with some printed ink on it and I can’t help but be lured into the wet dream of wealth that’s calling out to me like a financially secure oasis in the center of the middle-class desert.
And all that daydreaming got me to thinking: People who win the lottery do a lot of incredibly stupid shit with their money. So, what would I NOT do if I won the lottery? For your enjoyment, I compiled a short list. It may seem obvious at first glance, but take heed, wary winners. Any one of these might save your burgeoning bourgeois ass someday.
If you win the lottery:
1. Do not train an army of penguins to become your personal staff of butlers. Just because those cute little fuckers already wear ready-made tuxedos does not mean they are to be trusted with the laundry, or driving you around in your new Bentley. They will ultimately revolt, eat all of your canned tuna, and shit in your taco shaped swimming pool.
|Nature's classiest animal, my ass|
2. Do not buy a taco-shaped swimming pool. Take my word on this one. Food shaped aquatic areas are a continuous liability because of all your drunken, coattail-riding friends and their never ending case of the goddamned munchies. As if that weren’t enough, it is also a known magnet for penguin feces.
3. Don’t invest in your crazy Uncle Al’s newest entrepreneurial venture. Just in case the residual powder in the recesses of his nose isn’t warning sign enough, you should probably keep on the lookout for any of these highly professional business phrases: “border patrol,” “bottom bitch,” and/or “unintentional kidnapping.” While he may have given you a cool hip flask with a naked lady on it for your middle school graduation, ole Uncle Al’s probably not the best guy to go into business with.
4. Don’t hire an outdated pop music ensemble like Boyz II Men to perform bedside on the night of your tenth wedding anniversary. It’s not that they’d really cost all that much (since most of them would probably sing for Twinkies these days), but I would still strongly urge against it. Because, like most chart-topping R&B of the 1990’s, Boyz II Men is still the audio equivalent of tube socks during sex. If you actually listened to that shit while making the sexy times, you deserve the ensuing mockery.
With that said, here’s to hoping I win the lottery tonight, so I can NOT have to show up hungover for work tomorrow. What'd you do if you won the lottery? Or hell, even better, what would you NOT do if you won the lottery?