Thursday, February 9, 2012

Not Blowing Your Load (of Cash)

            I don’t usually ever play the lottery, but for some reason I found myself walking out of the gas station with a Powerball ticket today. I’m not really sure how it happened. Maybe the Pakistani attendant misinterpreted the English of my actual request for a plastic-wrapped adult magazine. Or maybe it was my fault and I was blinded by the daydream prospect of 250 million dollars suddenly being shat into my bank account and just don’t remember asking for the thing. But, regardless of how it happened, I’ve got a little slip of paper with some printed ink on it and I can’t help but be lured into the wet dream of wealth that’s calling out to me like a financially secure oasis in the center of the middle-class desert.
            And all that daydreaming got me to thinking: People who win the lottery do a lot of incredibly stupid shit with their money. So, what would I NOT do if I won the lottery? For your enjoyment, I compiled a short list. It may seem obvious at first glance, but take heed, wary winners. Any one of these might save your burgeoning bourgeois ass someday.
            If you win the lottery:

1.      Do not train an army of penguins to become your personal staff of butlers. Just because those cute little fuckers already wear ready-made tuxedos does not mean they are to be trusted with the laundry, or driving you around in your new Bentley. They will ultimately revolt, eat all of your canned tuna, and shit in your taco shaped swimming pool.


Nature's classiest animal, my ass



2.      Do not buy a taco-shaped swimming pool. Take my word on this one. Food shaped aquatic areas are a continuous liability because of all your drunken, coattail-riding friends and their never ending case of the goddamned munchies. As if that weren’t enough, it is also a known magnet for penguin feces.

3.      Don’t invest in your crazy Uncle Al’s newest entrepreneurial venture. Just in case the residual powder in the recesses of his nose isn’t warning sign enough, you should probably keep on the lookout for any of these highly professional business phrases: “border patrol,” “bottom bitch,” and/or “unintentional kidnapping.” While he may have given you a cool hip flask with a naked lady on it for your middle school graduation, ole Uncle Al’s probably not the best guy to go into business with.





4.      Don’t hire an outdated pop music ensemble like Boyz II Men to perform bedside on the night of your tenth wedding anniversary. It’s not that they’d really cost all that much (since most of them would probably sing for Twinkies these days), but I would still strongly urge against it. Because, like most chart-topping R&B of the 1990’s, Boyz II Men is still the audio equivalent of tube socks during sex. If you actually listened to that shit while making the sexy times, you deserve the ensuing mockery. 



With that said, here’s to hoping I win the lottery tonight, so I can NOT have to show up hungover for work tomorrow. What'd you do if you won the lottery? Or hell, even better, what would you NOT do if you won the lottery?

Cheers,
-Brandon
Music: Counterpunch
Beer: Honker’s Ale



78 comments:

  1. I think that if I won the lottery, I would donate some to charity, buy gifts for my friends, and then just keep the rest for myself and buy a house or something like that.

    Then again knowing me I would spend a lot of the cash on loads of cool stuff I don't even need the minute I got it.

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  2. Hahaha good luck! I never thought about an army of penguins before, but if I could get them to wear top hats like in your picture...

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  3. If I won (when I win) the lottery, I am buying my dog immortality. It's on sale somewhere in Oklahoma. And if I won (when I win) the lottery, I would buy myself a lion that growls in French.

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  4. Uncle Al seems like a shrewd entrepreneur if you ask me. I'm looking for a business partner for my loan shark business (in which we loan out sharks for special events and movie stunts). Can you ask him if he's interested?

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  5. Fine advice indeed! Those penguins are not what they appear to be!

    If I won the lottery, I would still seek new ways to sell out on my blog! It's just in my nature to explore financial possibilities!

    You know, pandas sort of have the built in tuxedo look to. That might be a better option because unlike penguins, they have thumbs!

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  6. I'd wish you luck but I know how bad the odds are and you told me not to get a penguin butler.

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  7. Fingers crossed that if you do win you will blow your load (of Cash) by giving out money to all of your loyal followers who love you and will hug you (even when you've forgotten to shower) and will say lovely things about you on their blogs!

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  8. Well, I don't know if you're going to win since you have some competition--ME! hahahahaha!

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  9. I'd have to honestly say that all the money would go in the bank. I'd buy myself a car, my hubs a car (notice how he was 2nd? :-p) and that would be the end of it. I don't want to change much about my life. I like my house and where I am. More money would always be good though!

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  10. My wife tells me that my chances of winning are actually lower if I buy a ticket than if I do not.

    That seems wrong to me. Granted, I am not a statistician.

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  11. I would love to see a taco shaped pool, filled with guacamole at a Mexican siesta.

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  12. Oh freaky, I actually just bought a lotto ticket myself.

    I kinda like the idea of a person carrying me around...a whole gawd damn parade everywhere I go...even if it is just the loo. I want it all, juggling elephants, lions on fire and clowns playing the drums - no, wait no clowns...they are scary.

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  13. If I didnt win the lottery... That there is like every day of my life... :P

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  14. Hahahahaha, that final panel is a kicker!

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  15. $250M?? We don't get jackpots that big up here in Canada, eh. But if I did win a ridiculous amount of money, I'd buy a house and probably one for every member of my immediate family. Then I'd be on the lookout for a bunch of people that suddenly want to be my friend.

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  16. I'm afraid I wouldn't tell anybody....

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  17. I would open a restaurant. I would love to own one and be in control - making all the decisions and planning the menu etc. It would be a blast!

    I don't know what I wouldn't do with the money ;p

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  18. Good luck. I'm with the Lurker, I'd keep that shit quiet. I mean, I'd pay off my parents house and bills and all that. Buy myself a car, a condo and pay all my bills. Do some shopping. Invest, donate and save the rest. Clearly I haven't put much thought into this....

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  19. Buy a house and rest as trust fund for my kids future college fund.
    In reality buy a lease in spa and Disneyland lifetime visit tickets and job in mall as professional shopper.

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  20. LOL good luck, I'd have so much fun, but would be smart, as people who win blow it all and are left worse off than before. I'd pay off debt, and go hide out in the woods somewhere for a good month until the fuss died down. Then I'd go to the bank and get tons of boxes of pennies. Any bums come around, I'd hand them a big box of pennies and maybe eve drop it on their foot. Any bums come are on the street, I'd look at them, walk up to the nearest person and give them money instead and walk away..lol...I haven't thought about this much huh?

    What I would not do is buy 50 friggin houses the size of football fields like so many morons do. Living in a museum isn't for me.

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  21. At first it seems incredible that most people who win the lottery end up destitute, but now it all makes sense.

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  22. I would buy a solid gold telephone.

    What WOULDN'T I do? I wouldn't tell YOU because you'd advise me against buying a gaggle of penguins to be my personal staff. If it's good enough for Batman then it's good enough for me.

    ...what's that?

    Batman was rich and he DIDN'T have a wait staff of penguins? He only had Al? Well that's just absurd.

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  23. Okay, penguin butlers are out. Can I still have a bookcase that slides open to reveal a secret ninja training facility? I also want to replace my liver with that of a teenager every three years. Is that still on the table?

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  24. I would NOT keep my job and I would NOT accept any new friends. Unless they were really cute.

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  25. If I won the lottery I would be amazed and I would not be sad!

    But a taco shaped pool sounds nice!

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  26. I tend to play one of the smaller games with (slightly) better odds. The prize is an even 1 million. Which isn't enough to quit my job and never work again but its enough to build the house I want, put the kids through college etc etc. If I won of of the mondo jackpots I would NOT by a tropical island and declare myself as a sovereign nation in order to amass a huge standing navy to take over the other islands nearby. As tempting as that might be, it is not a good idea.

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  27. I'd pay off debts for family members and close friends, and become a full time blogger.

    If I don't make money from it, WHO DA FUCK CARES! I'm RICH, bitches!!!

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  28. I would not buy a pet sloth. It would be my first instinct to buy a pet sloth, but I know that isn't a good idea. Yes, definitely not buy a sloth.

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  29. My mind went in the wrong direction with your title.

    If I won the lottery, I would NOT tell anyone, write my own obituary and live happily ever after in a non-disclosed place. :D

    P.S. Great profile pic, guys.

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  30. I don't see the harm in one penguin butler. Its when you have an army that you run into problems.

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  31. I would immediately get rid of Facebook and change my number. I would not ever go to another family reunion. I would hoard my wad of cash to be used by me and my spouse and a few friends that were with me when I was a bum.

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  32. The lottery is gambling for people that are bad at math. Or a tax on the silly

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  33. I can have penguin butlers!!! Don't you tell me I can't!!

    I can buy and sell YOUR ass, I can have penguin butlers.


    sorry...the (imaged) power...it went to my head

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  34. If I won a huge amount in the lotto, I would not buy every copy of Twilight I could find and burn it at the stake.

    The ensuing amount of butt-hurtfulness felt by the fans of the series would throw them into a frothing frenzy of fanatical freaks.

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  35. I would not turn it down like some lawyer did recently.

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  36. This is a pretty short list. How about don't buy an army of pitt bulls? I can't afford that one currently, and it may SEEM like a good idea right, but I think maintenance would cost the rest of my fortune. Never doing that again.

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  37. Here's hoping your ticket's a winner!!!

    If I won, I would NOT tell a single soul. I'd quietly pay off all my debts, and then stash that money away until I figured out the best way to live off it without working ever again. If only....

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  38. Lol at "triangle shaped business model." If only I had a triangle for the number of times I fell for that line...

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  39. I grabbed a $1 ticket on Tuesday, won $2 off of it! Awww yeah, ballin out of control. Anyway, when my inevitable luckiness leads me to great fortune, I'll be sure to remember your sage words of wisdom.

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  40. How about a penguin shaped swimming pool full of tacos? That might be on the list. We used to joke that we would buy the house of the a-hole next door and evict him...ahhh good dreams...

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  41. I will keep your wonderful suggestions in mine when I win the lottery and hiding on my own private island from all the so called "relatives" who all of a sudden want to be my best friend and could use some cash.

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  42. Oh I'm gonna have to go grab a ticket now. I think it's an omen that you bought one. If I win, because it was you that provided the omen, I'll throw a little cash your way so that you can maybe buy an actual taco. I dunno. We'll see how it goes, okay?

    I also want to bring back the following phrases, "I say", "I like the cut of your gib", "Let's blow this pop stand". I'm gonna need your help and everyone knows that lottery winners are good at bringing back old-timey phrases, so...

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  43. I'm afraid to even imagine what crazy shite I'd do with that kind of money. I don't think I'd be blogging anymore, so really I'm hoping you don't win because you feckers would stop blogging and that would be a terrible thing for the rest of us. That was the worlds longest run-on sentence.

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  44. If I won the lottery, I would NOT take up golf. Or go to country clubs.

    I'm quite happy to wear tweed though

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  45. I'm with a bunch of your other readers; If I win the lottery, I'm not telling anyone.

    It's no ones business how much money I have at any given point.

    But, secretly, I'd fund a whole SLEW of no-kill shelters nationwide. There aren't enough of those wonderful places.
    There should be more.

    And I'd probably dump the rest into cancer research.
    Okay, not probably, I abolutely would.

    (Awww, the crazy sex blogger has a heart)

    OH! And, unrelated, Mr. WeDon'tGetMuchSnowInDenver....suck it. :)
    The snow in Denver sure screwed up my plans...

    :)
    Jen

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  46. If I won the lottery, I'd buy a nice house and a nice car and put the rest in something to make interest.

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  47. I would NOT stay sober.
    I would NOT continue to drive the same car.
    I would NOT buy a house that was NOT on the beach.

    Great post. Good luck!

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  48. If i won a big lottery? Pay off all debts (duh), my poor, desperately hard working husband could actually retire and the fam could move to the lovely log cabin hub and i fantasize about. And kiddo would not have to go to college unless he wanted to, because we would be set for life. (It would have to be a ton of money!) Some bucks to a couple of charities...some to a few relatives. Close fam already has enough money.

    Oh, and a share to A Beer for the Shower, of course!

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  49. I would not get any thinner or healthier, and would not be inclined to become a doors-barred recluse.

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  50. I would NOT buy the Oakland Athletics. Just a bad idea.

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  51. I wouldn't shit in a taco-shaped swimming pool, that's for sure.

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  52. If I won the lottery, I would buy my own private island. When people tell me to "go to my happy place", I would pack up and fly to my island.

    I would NOT populate my private island with genetically engineered dinosaurs. That shit never ends well.

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  53. Would buy a shark and chromium-plate it.

    Would not allow semi-naked woman to ride it.
    My shark! Get OFF!

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  54. First moves to make if I've won a lotto or come across a massive windfall of cash? Immediately dump 50% of it in savings, one of those dealios where they grow over the year, y'knowwhatImean?

    Acquire a small financial team or ask around and find someone I can trust for such a thing. Have this accountant pay off every single thing I've ever owed, every single thing my parents and sister have ever owed, don't tell them shit until I make a impromptu visit and say hello.

    Buy my parents a house. Buy my sister and her family a house. Never visit them ever again unless I need to crash there. Make sure said houses are at least two states away from me, the way I like it.

    Either acquire a nice-enough house that I can be comfortable in, pay off taxes on it ahead of time (or arrange an auto-pay account) so I won't even have to consider such a thing for the next fifty years or have one built. Buy land, first and foremost, but enough that I can deal with it comfortably or just let it run to forest and ruin without worrying too much about the road in and out. Ten acres and plenty of signs saying "Biohazardous - Just Like The Movies."

    Last but not least, consider a few investments on the stock market (once again, ask around and find out who's a good guy to go to) and do absolutely nothing for a year after stocking my own house with enough of what I want, with a small retainer of 2k a month to do with whatever. Get a car that's not too nice but nice enough, live with that motherfucker and do whatever the hell I want for a year.

    Kinda Office Space-y, but yeah. I'd do absolutely nothing for a year except what I drop-dead want to. Work out every day, shower and bathe like a boss, still goin' to Costco. Write whatever I want without stress, learn whatever I want without hurry, live a whole year without worry.

    If I haven't begun taking classes during that year, go on to college, earn/buy whatever credentials I need, live the rest of my life. Don't let ANYONE know of the money outside of my closest confidantes - I got my entourage even WITHOUT money, but with money? Party with 'em every now and then, once a month or once every other month...but for the love of god, never loan anyone money.

    Or lie and tell them that "it's all tied up in savings bro, sorry." That'd work too. I don't mind sharing the wealth and spreading the love around, but money CAN change bro's into ho's if you don't watch it.

    Thankfully I know what my crew's like even when I DO have money. Having a shitton of it would change nothin'.

    'Sides, if you know for a fact that you hang out with muthafuggahs who borrow money even NOW while yer broke, then you can thoroughly expect them to attempt to leech offa ya after you get monies. Know your people as you know yourself, y'knowwhatImean?

    That's about all I'd do, really. Live like tomorrow doesn't exist, without worry and without question.

    And martial arts like a motherfucker, that's for certain. Good god, what I'd learrrrrn~! Train four times a week for that entire year.

    ...I must admit though, I WOULD make two big expenditures, just to blow my wad on somethin' for me. One, vidyuh gaem collection + arcade games. Make a real mancave, y'know? And two, get the bathroom of my dreams. Jacuzzi spa with a shower, shower with a sex seat, and one of those big brass copper tubs with the clawed feet.

    Yeaaah. And a super-awesome sink.

    No matter what house I'd get, y'damn straight I'd set up my library nook again. God I miss my library nook.

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  55. If you won the lottery, call your favorite band to party at your new mansion as you write with a new super-smooth pen and paper and draw with the new custom made MS Paint!

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  56. Well, I hope you get to win the lottery one day, my friend. I have to admit I spent a bit of couch time listening (well, not really listening) to the Spanish version of Boyz II Men. I think that entitles me to some extra punishment, wouldn't you say? Hell, it's what she liked!

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  57. ok, so far down the list and I hae had a couple of wines, what was the discussion,...(madly scrolling up, getting cramp and giving up) Lotto.
    Boring stuff, pay off the mortgage, set some aside to get the kids started. Then I want to travel. Perhaps a tour of awesome bloggers. You have a couch I could crash on? I will buy you dinner.
    Oh and I just noticed you guys have popped a pic up top. Nice.

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  58. Penguins are too cute to be evil! They might feed you regurgitated food though...but it's only because they love you.

    But speaking of criminal penguins...watch this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhiG6_83pbc

    And everyone knows that as soon as a person wins the lottery, they end up broke in a few years. It's the law of nature, I suppose.

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  59. What would I buy with my winning lottery ticket

    I would take it all to the nearest casino and put 50% on black and 50% on red

    If it didn’t come up green

    I would put 50% on odd and 50% on even

    With my winnings I would send them to all those nice Nigerian princess who have promised me rich rewards over the years if I would only pay their tax bills for them.... I would then sit back and wait for my millions of pounds to turn into billions of pounds. If only those starving people in the third world weren’t so short sited and had similar investment plans, instead of wasting it on food, I’m sure they would get a lot more money sent in their direction....

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  60. i won 2 dollars on a banco scratch ticket. which cost me 2 dollars, so basically i won a play again. and great guest appearance by gil. good ol gil

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  61. Soooooooo, New Kidz On the Block are good to go?
    Good luck with the lottery.

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  62. Like a sir indeed.

    If I won the lottery I would finally be able to pay the ridiculous tuition to attend a private university, located in one of the most expensive cities, in the most expensive state in the country, rather than sitting on my ass making minimum, and hoping that I will miraculously get a full ride scholarship handed to me by a super rich has-been socialite looking for a charity case.

    Rant over.

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  63. I think it's safe to say that we have all contemplated training an army of penguin butlers at one time or another- with the built-in tuxedos it makes such perfect sense.

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  64. YOU'RE FUCKIN-A-RIGHT I'M GONNA SHIT IN YOUR TACO SHAPED POOL!!! COOL BIRDS OF THE WORLD UNITE!!! WE SHALL REVOLT!!! THE ARCTIC REVOLUTION IS COMING, EITHER GET ON BOARD OR COVER YOUR POOL!!!

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  65. They may not be classy, but I'd love a penguin butler.

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  66. Lmfao, that penguin.
    All I could think of was a dark hole with people partying in it. Mind the the gutter, I swear.

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  67. I'd go for monkey butlers in fez hats... but I am tempted my BoyzIIMen...

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  68. If I ever won the lottery, I probably just buy a house, and coast on that money forever

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  69. WOW 70 comments.... dude.... so... If I won the money I would make a time machine and disappear. Did you win??????

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  70. True story.

    Spent 120 bucks on scratch offs. Won 2.5k on my 2nd to last ticket. Lol.

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  71. I don't think I'd swim in a pool shaped like food. *shudders*. I remember doing the awkward side to side slow dance at our middle school dances to some Boyz II men. I haven't heard them in so long, I probably wouldn't know them if someone did try to play them during sexy times. But hiring four big black guys to sing acapela in the bedroom would definitely scare me off in any case. Great list! Looking forward to your post for the origins blogfest.

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  72. The#1 thing I would NOT do if I won the lottery is keep my same phone numbers. Will all my relatives I would have a lot of people coming out of the woodwork asking for "loans".

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  73. Lol. All the best. If you win the lottery, please keep the blog. And keep writing. That's all we ask.

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  74. oh Uncle Al..there's always one of those in every family that kind of keeps you from playing the lottery at all, for fear of having to tell him no and breaking is Triangle heart.

    I would set up a bank account for the purpose of getting my hair done, only. Gurlfriend hates nap.
    Also, pay off my friggin' student loans. DAMN U UCF!!

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  75. I occasionally buy tickets (like one every couple of months) then leave them hanging on my fridge. (I have 3 there now.) It makes me feel that I very well could have won the lottery. I haven't confirmed that I did not...the possibility lives on!

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  76. I would surely get one of your books as it costs only a dollar xD
    I wouldn't for a million years give it to my grandparents :P they would preserve it for a million more years! :O

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