Thursday, February 23, 2012

King Barfer and The Quest for the Holy Ale

It was a dreary, booze-soaked night, and I sat hunched over the sticky ledge of the local tavern’s bar. The overhead lights were dim, glowing stained-glass orbs. The stool beneath me threatened my ass with splinters every time I shifted. But comfort was of little concern to me. I was on a mission. I leaned forward and slammed my pint glass down on cherry wood. 
“Barkeep, your King is dissatisfied!” I roared.
The bartender, a portly fellow with the jowls of a leprous bulldog, approached me slowly. “What did you say, dude?”
I pointed a finger at his bulbous nose. “As King, I should remind you that his Highness prefers to be referred to as Sire, or at the very least, King Brandon. But alas, I am in a hurry and have not the time to chastise a fat man in a sweater vest. I have already told you that I am on a holy quest, for an ale most righteous. I must find it this evening. And you, you must help me.”
I paused here to hiccup, and fought back the regurgitative tide.
“Good gods, man. Do not just stand there, gaping, like an inbred walrus. Bring your liege a better ale! No, a dozen better ales!”
“Alright, dickhead. I’ve had about enough of you. Hey, Donny!” At this, the fellow motioned for the doorman and I soon felt the rough hands of a commoner take me by the shoulders. I attempted to struggle free, but the lummox had taken me by surprise, and I found it near impossible to find my balance.
“Unhand me, fiend! I am your King and am on a mission from God himself to find the Holy Ale!”
The barnlike brute laughed as he tossed me into the gutter. “Congratulations, man. You just got 86’ed from an Applebee’s.”
My thoughts were muddled with liquor and rage, but I knew better than to challenge the beastly doorkeeper to a duel. Even though I wanted nothing more than to lop off his head, I was in no fit state for combat. Also, it appeared that I had forgotten my sword back at the castle.
I stumbled backward, and a passing carriage zoomed by, honking its horn.
“Get outta the street, you drunk idiot!”
I did not understand his garbled shouts, but I believe the carriage driver had saluted me. I found it odd that he should use only one finger, but nonetheless I offered a regal nod of recognition. Without casting another look back at that horse piss-serving hellhole, I continued down the busy street, determined to continue my quest. I passed a beggar man in tattered rags who reeked of either cheap wine or urine. I can never discern the difference. I shook my head and offered the destitute fellow a piece of silver.
“Hey thanks, buddy.”
My city was awash with the glow of street lamps and billboards, and I ambled along though the crowds, looking for a worthy knight. A man called out to me from the shadows.
“Coke, you want some coke? Maybe a little weed, man? I got what you need.”
He was an enterprising youth, with a strong build and a square jaw. I lifted a hand.
“You, good sir. I am enlisting you as my knight in the search for the Holy Ale. Together, we shall have great adventures and seek out that elusive elixir that is fit to be the Almighty’s mouthwash. ” I stretched out my hand to the young man. “I shall call you Sir Galaheezy.”
“Are you outta your damn mind, fool? Unless you got money to spend, you best keep steppin.’ There’s a liquor store right next door, you crazy ass cracker.”
I cast a woozy stare past the sidewalk entrepreneur and felt my heart alight with joy. There, indeed, stood Mr. Kim’s Liquors, shining like a neon beacon of hope.
Once inside the shop, I knew the task of locating the holiest of holies would not be simple. There, under abrasive halogen lights, the icy coolers were packed with a hundred false options, including everything from Mexican lager to Irish stout. How was I ever to find the Holy Ale? Before despair could lay its hooks in me, an idea was supplied to me by the heavens. The Holiest of all Spirits would undoubtedly be protected, and indestructible. Therefore, I needed only to weed out the imposters. And so I pulled shelf upon shelf out of the cooler cases, as unworthy brews shattered all about my feet. I tried not to weep for the lost nectar, but could not help it.
Mr. Kim, undoubtedly still loyal to the Emperor of his heathen lands, threatened me with a musket, and his raggedy looking Rottweiller. I was forced to retreat inside the freezer case. Once inside the frozen box, however, I found myself awash in golden light, reflected down from the perfectly painted cardboard box. There, at last, my journey had ended. My quest was fulfilled.
I had reached the Holy Ale. Its radiant red and blue glow transfixed my stare like the bountiful bosoms of the most voluptuous angel.
“Blessed art thou!” I cried, tearing open the box that concealed those bottles of deep amber glory. I wrenched off a cap with my teeth, and just before the rim of the bottle reached my lips, the constables kicked down the door and punched me in the kidneys. Apparently that flashing red and blue glow had been coming from them.
The bottle smashed to pieces, and I felt my heart break along with it as I was dragged away.
“No, goddammit!” I shouted. “Let go of me! This is bullshit! I didn’t even take my pants off this time!”

(Don't look at me. You read it.)

Cheers,

Brandon


Beer: 312 (Goose Island)
Music: The Fratellis

71 comments:

  1. I have to tell you, I have been a fan of Arthurian Legend since I was a child, and I much prefer this. This was just amazing. I called up by brother just to read your post to him. He will forgive me for waking him up at five in the morning soon enough. Next time, maybe Don Quixote???

    To the true once and future king. To Brandon!

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  2. LOL well holy ale beats excaliber anyday. But keep the pants on..haha

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  3. As a famous monarch once said, "It's tough being the king". I can't remember who it was though, perhaps Louis XVI?

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  4. Lol.. yes, poor king. This is no way for him to be treated - I wouldn't have minded if the Holy Ale had actually reached his lips... but this... I mean what a sad ending!

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  5. I shall aid you my liege! Seek out the mighty Porterhouse Ale: http://www.porterhousebrewco.com/beers-tsb.php

    It shall deliver upon thee the greatness though deserveth!

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  6. Maidens will weep for the poor king!

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  7. What a shame that he never got to drink the holy ale! What a sad, sad story of a king...and his long lost ale!

    At least he will be queen for a night! That's a bonus...isn't it?

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  8. I think people should step into bar lot of times just for this treat. Who needs movies, tv shows when ordinary citizens turn into these Mighty kings in quest of lookout for holyale and pull a Aviator-Hughes bottle thing after finishing the drink? Is that what you meant when you said about pants?

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  9. It sounds as though you have been following me around.

    In which case, awesome journalism!

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  10. This was just grand my liege. But you broke the most holy of ales and for that you must be put to death. No, don't argue, there's no way out, you're a condemned man. Unless of course, you brink me a shrubbery!!

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  11. Feck, that should say bring. I've gotta stop drinking this early in the morning dammit.

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  12. ...needs more wenches. A good king always has wenches...

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  13. I think the next time I go to a bar I gotta pretend I'm royalty too, who knows. It might score me a free drink. lol.

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  14. Gadzooks! Those churlish knaves. How dareth they fucketh with you, O mighty King Barfer?

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  15. I love that! Funny and well written :D

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  16. I can never tell the difference between cheap wine and urine either. But I think it's a good thing. I drink enough cheap wine that if I ever found myself stuck under a boulder like the guy from 127 Hours I think I could handle drinking bodily fluids. Gotta look for the positives in life.

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  17. All hail.

    "86d from an Applebees" sent coffee spewing from my nose.

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  18. This was pee your pants funny. Trust me when I say, it ain't easy to make me laugh that hard, after all, I used to live in 'South Park'

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  19. This was bleedin deadly I tells ya. Very well done - I wish they would have let you drink form the holy ale, no respect for the monarchy any more.

    Now you all shall dance like children in monkey costumes for coconuts.

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  20. Verily thou doth jest bestest of all. Dance ye knaves! For thine art jesters most foul.
    I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
    Best sign-off to any story by the way.

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  21. So funny... love the Applebees statement, although I'm sadded that King Barfer didn't get to taste the holiest of holy nectars. Maybe next time... Keeping your pants on may or may not aid in your quest! :)

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  22. Oh brandon. :-( You've gotta remember to keep those pants on when you're on a search for the holiest of ale.

    I LOVED this post by the way. Why can't the classics be this great?

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  23. Good King, how fragile are thy dreams shattered now upon the stone floor!

    I totally blame Applebees. Your quest was doomed from the beginning.

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  24. Next time you go on a quest, remember the rest of your party.

    And try not to fumble those sobriety rolls!

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  25. Oh your majesty, Fear not, thyne quest shall be resumed. Clearly the constables have little sense of right and wrong, and as such, they are corrupt and must be promptly removed from power.

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  26. About halfway through, I was kinda hoping this would be a review for some amazing beer you've just tried or something. I would've been pleased with: AND THEN I FOUND IT, RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES THE MOST BEAUTIFUL TASTING ALE BY THE NAME OF --

    But you just had to go and get arrested instead.

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  27. I too give royalty the one finger salute!

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  28. you are correct I did read it. I may not in the future.

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  29. Um. Why would you go to Applebee's? Is that the only place to drink in Colorado? :0

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  30. oh the humanity. The quest has been thwarted but only for a night...will there be more in the future? I can't imagine he will give up so easily.

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  31. No need to search I found it. Moose Drool from Big Sky Brewery in Montana. It is a Brown Ale and fit for a king......or a moose napkin.

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  32. Thanks for the laugh guys, I needed it. Plus I hope to get this drunk one day.

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  33. Very nice, but why hadn't he taken off his pants this time? Surely dirty pants would insult an ale so holy?

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  34. I'm sure, fine sir, that if you pursue your quest you've ought to succeed. Eventually x)

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  35. I'd scoff at Applebee's but then I heard that the last establishment that accepted your coin in exchange for intoxication was plagued by shades of the minstrel, Daniel Powter.

    *raises her own Holy Ale*
    Hail to the king, baby.

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  36. wow, mr. kim sure got his pantaloons in a bunch over some innocent beer smashing. jeez.

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  37. hah that image at the end compliments the story perfectly !

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  38. "I soon felt the rough hands of a commoner take me by the shoulders" ... hahah you funny s of a b. When you said the holy ale was red and blue I immediately thought Pabst. You came THIS CLOSE to losing a follower. THIS CLOSE.

    -Ash

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  39. lol dont doubt that this was writtin in your office.

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  40. Damn, that was funny story. The "86'ed from an Applebees" line killed me.

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  41. No picture of either of you sprawled on the ground after being hit in the kidneys? :(

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  42. Good that you kept your pants on, or else the homeless man might get some, ahem, ideas..

    And btw, dunno why I haven't mentioned this in any of my previous comments, but I LOVE that animation in the sidebar. Did you guys make it all yourself? Must have taken ages. Please make more! It's so charming.

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  43. This is one of your funniest posts. BRAVO!!!! Nice job, Brandon.

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  44. I sir, shall take up your noble cause and continue the quest for the Holy Ale.

    It's like when Hubs and I take the hour drive to the city for a few six packs of Abita's Turbodog.

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  45. Holy smokes! You is teh intoxicated lol.

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  46. lol I enjoyed the beer-soaked tale. Really like how the Holy Ale glowed red & blue near the end. It had to be magical.

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  47. I read it.

    The whole thing.

    All of it, from start to finish.

    /applaud

    10/10, would read again, fast delivery, great seller~!

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  48. I've never been to an Applebee's with a doorman... so does that mean you were actually thrown out by the perky 16 year old hostess?

    As for your aerator question, I don't typically drink wines that need it, but when I have used one there was a noticable difference. But, if you're not going to use it, return it and get something you'll like!(Or send it my way...)

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  49. Wonderful story. I loved it.

    sorry I am late to the party. Been one of those weeks

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  50. one day i will be the first comment....

    your ability to rape the English vocabulary and turn it into your prison bitch is annoyingly enviable.

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  51. I LOVE YOUR WRITING! Do please write more short stories haha. I always laugh my ass off! I think you have quite the marketing for a new beer called "holy ale" and a grand story to go behind it! you guys are the best :)

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  52. And didst thou have a raging hangover come the dawn?
    Or a righteous soreness in thy nether parts?
    Gadzooks.
    Yes...I DID read it.
    Nice job.
    Verily.

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  53. I was under the impression that as long as you kept your pants on, you were fine...

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  54. Really, if your pants were still on, what was the harm? Yeesh. They'll arrest anyone these days.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z

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  55. This should be retold each and every year...
    Kinda like the story of the Nativity......
    but on your parole hearing day!

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  56. LOVE IT! You have quite the imagination :)

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  57. My Lord, Brandon, I thought my life was tough. But don't despair. I bow for thee. And then, of course, we share the ale.

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  58. Ha! Classic stuffs, man. I mean, TRULY classic stuffs! You can really write and you know how to tell a story. (And there ain't nuttin' better'n a funny one, like this.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  59. LOL. the part about going into the beer cooler reminded me of the 2 weeks i worked in a convenience store when i was 19. this was in Louisiana, so i was of legal drinking age, and one of my jobs was to stock the cooler. we often had to throw beer bottles out that were broken or chipped, cap accidentally opened, etc. once in awhile, i kinda helped a bottle become trash...lol. i got another job, so i never did find the holy ale there, either.

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  60. Thanks man. you just improved my vocab in myriad ways xD

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  61. I think the next time I go to a bar I gotta pretend I'm royalty too, who knows. It might score me a free drink. lol.

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  62. i enjoyed this tale until i saw vinn diesel's face. i was seconds away from punching my computer screen. thank you for mocking his one liners that they have to interject in that horrible movie preview. also, can they please stop making fast & furious movies yet?

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