The Car That Drives Itself

        I was reading an article last week about new technologies being put into cars, and what I saw was astounding. Simply astounding.
        Front mounted video cameras for improved parallel parking. Dashboard controls manipulated with hand gestures so you can focus more on driving. Sensors to measure if you're swerving, which triggers the car to pull back into its lane.
        Isn't it incredible? I mean... who NEEDS this bullshit?
        See, I already have a front-mounted camera for improved parallel parking. It's called eyeballs. Also, I'm not Italian. I don't need to control everything with hand gestures. Personally, I think that if you can't reach over and change the radio station without slamming into another car, you shouldn't be driving. Same thing goes for staying in your lane. If you can't do that, what you need isn't new technology, it's a trip to driving school (and possibly a stop off at AA on the way).
        So if this is the future of car technology, I thought of some new ideas for comforts we very well could be putting into our cars within the next 10 years.

1. Forget heated seats and cooled seats. How inconvenient is it to stop off at a gas station to go to the bathroom? Because of that, I give you the toilet seat. The seat itself has a hole in it, which allows you to do your business, and when you're done, it just shoots out the exhaust. Works double duty (ha, I said doody) if you're being followed by someone you hate!

I bet someone's wishing he'd upgraded to leather! I mean really, cloth seats? What is this, Ethiopia?

2. It's late at night. You're starting to drift off, and even worse, you're starting to drift into other lanes. You've just become a danger to the road. Thankfully, your new car is equipped with the immediate warnings of the digital backseat driver.

Watch out, Siri! This bitch means business! And unlike traditional cars, its the lower quality models that are the most over protective (errr, insecure)! "No, honey, I'd NEVER trade you for a Maserati. I LOVE driving a Kia."

3. You want to control your lights, your radio, and your heater without taking your eyes off the road. You're also a child of the 90's and like gimmicky products. What about the clapper? Clap once, and your lights come on! Clap twice, and your radio changes stations! Clap three times and the car sets your cruise control! What's the worst that could happen?

Actually, this isn't the first time that watching Friends has made someone want to drive off the side of a cliff.

4. Ford introduced the self parking car, but there's so much more than parking that I don't want to do. Like getting out of the car. And going inside a store to buy my latte. So how about a car that does all of THAT for you?

"Make mine a venti, please! And a tall caramel macchiato for the woman whose child I just crushed!"

Unfortunately, none of these products exist. So until these things become available to the general public, I guess we'll have to just keep stopping at rest stops, and buying our own lattes, and piloting our cars ourselves.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Bohemia