Monday, February 27, 2012

The Car That Drives Itself

        I was reading an article last week about new technologies being put into cars, and what I saw was astounding. Simply astounding.
        Front mounted video cameras for improved parallel parking. Dashboard controls manipulated with hand gestures so you can focus more on driving. Sensors to measure if you're swerving, which triggers the car to pull back into its lane.
        Isn't it incredible? I mean... who NEEDS this bullshit?
        See, I already have a front-mounted camera for improved parallel parking. It's called eyeballs. Also, I'm not Italian. I don't need to control everything with hand gestures. Personally, I think that if you can't reach over and change the radio station without slamming into another car, you shouldn't be driving. Same thing goes for staying in your lane. If you can't do that, what you need isn't new technology, it's a trip to driving school (and possibly a stop off at AA on the way).
        So if this is the future of car technology, I thought of some new ideas for comforts we very well could be putting into our cars within the next 10 years.

1. Forget heated seats and cooled seats. How inconvenient is it to stop off at a gas station to go to the bathroom? Because of that, I give you the toilet seat. The seat itself has a hole in it, which allows you to do your business, and when you're done, it just shoots out the exhaust. Works double duty (ha, I said doody) if you're being followed by someone you hate!









I bet someone's wishing he'd upgraded to leather! I mean really, cloth seats? What is this, Ethiopia?

2. It's late at night. You're starting to drift off, and even worse, you're starting to drift into other lanes. You've just become a danger to the road. Thankfully, your new car is equipped with the immediate warnings of the digital backseat driver.











Watch out, Siri! This bitch means business! And unlike traditional cars, its the lower quality models that are the most over protective (errr, insecure)! "No, honey, I'd NEVER trade you for a Maserati. I LOVE driving a Kia."

3. You want to control your lights, your radio, and your heater without taking your eyes off the road. You're also a child of the 90's and like gimmicky products. What about the clapper? Clap once, and your lights come on! Clap twice, and your radio changes stations! Clap three times and the car sets your cruise control! What's the worst that could happen?







Actually, this isn't the first time that watching Friends has made someone want to drive off the side of a cliff.

4. Ford introduced the self parking car, but there's so much more than parking that I don't want to do. Like getting out of the car. And going inside a store to buy my latte. So how about a car that does all of THAT for you?


"Make mine a venti, please! And a tall caramel macchiato for the woman whose child I just crushed!"

Unfortunately, none of these products exist. So until these things become available to the general public, I guess we'll have to just keep stopping at rest stops, and buying our own lattes, and piloting our cars ourselves.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Bohemia

80 comments:

  1. Hah I like how your backseat driver was a lady nagging you. I bet she'd get into a fight with siri (or some hot ladycomputer-on-ladycomputer action would go down)

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  2. I'm a sucker for a good toilet joke.
    I've always wanted a voice activated scrolling marquee in my back window and one that scrolls in reverse for the front so I can tell people exactly what I'm feeling. Or really, I just want the Mach 5 from Speed Racer.

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  3. lol... I think I might need to send this post to the guys at Car Talk - totally their style! The toilet seat was the best!

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  4. That toilet joke is GENIUS. Actually, this whole post is. Period. It's rare that I'm awed into silence, but that always seems to happen with your posts.

    /groveling

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  5. that's it, putting a toilet in my car. simply ingenious and all my passengers will love my nuts. beats a water bottle X.X

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  6. :D I sent it to them just for fun.

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  7. Funny. I remember seeing guiness record about this car having everything around late 80s. That car did have a toilet seat and all.
    Actually who knows maybe in another two years we may have cars like in I-robot movie, "sit back and enjoy your ride".
    Lower quality is over protective? I liked the digital driver in the backseat to flip the singer to the car following you.
    Will they allow us to have bar in the car just like in all limos?

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  8. I want the passenger commode seat version and auto wipe extra.....

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  9. I can't count the trips I have taken where the toilet seat option would have been a great feature. Though I would have to have it on all seats. Take care of those pesky kids too.

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  10. Applying for a job in Detroit?

    Maybe you should be.

    Those are all fantastic options for a vehicle. They just seem to have some bugs is all, and nothing is idiot-proof.

    (I tried to think of a better term that "idiot-proof"... I could not. But I meant it in an inoffensive way. Not whatever way you were thinking...)

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  11. Gentlemen.... I don't mean to alarm you, but Google already have a self driving car up and operating..... It's actually taken away every form of human operation and only needs someone behind the wheel in case somethings gone wrong....

    http://www.smartplanet.com/blog/thinking-tech/googles-self-driving-car/5445

    The Technology..... it has already won.

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  12. And I thought power steering was a great innovation when it came out. Jesus Christ, this is just too much and you thought your Audi was a pain in the ass. Unlike a significant other, you can shoot the passenger seat driver and not do any jail time.

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  13. I would love the toilet seat option. That seems to be the only logical option compared to all the rest.

    Really though, how many gadgets and shit do you need while driving your car? Pay attention the road because as much as you may think, the car really doesn't drive itself!

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  14. I would add the drive to work feature. That way I can get in a few more hours of sleep. lol.

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  15. I'd like the wet bar option in my car please!

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  16. I like the wet bar option as well. And the car automatically grabs me a beer, opens it, and hands it to me. And takes my empties and throws them out the window at road signs. And then somehow picks up the trash because even though I like trying to hit road signs with beer bottles, I don't like to litter. I care.

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  17. "I'm not Italian..." - HA! Agree on all points (especially the Kia remark), but does that mean you have to drive around with no pants on for the toilet seat option to be efficient? I think that's illegal in some parts...

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  18. Unfortunately none of these products do exist, but thankfully they will do one day. We will soon have cars that drive themselves. Then we'll be fucked.

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  19. Reminds me of my brother's GPS. If you take a different route, it commands you to take a new route in a Germanic-sounding voice.

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  20. I cannot even imagine how much more distracting it would be to try to communicate to your car with hand signals. No, I would not like to attempt to drive and preform interpretive dance for you.

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  21. Amazing =) How do you get your pants down for the toilet seat option? That's a bit distracting. I can see it being easy enough for women in skirts, but guys? Maybe it'll start a trend of guys wearing skirts for easier driving.

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  22. Also, I gesture randomly all the f-ing time. Plus I studied American Sign Language, my sister is even working to be an interpreter.... I do'nt need my mechanisms going all wonky just because I'm having a conversation that isn't what my manufacturer considers normal!

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  23. LOL the toilet idea has to be done, no more holding it. But would that mean you'd have to drive with your pants down?..LOL

    I read this too, stupid google are trying to make a car that will do everything on it's own and you just sit there. Like I want a machine taking control and leaving me helpless to get drove into the ditch, pffft.

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  24. Comments tl;dr - I need to stop blogchecking before morning coffee.

    For some reason, all I can think about is the Will Smith version of I, Robot.

    And indeed, +1 and Respeck Knuckles for the whole "You don't need gimmicks you need a trip to Driving School" commentary.

    On the other hand, people who don't use their turn signals make for a much more interesting drive. In the very least, it's a cheap and fast focus for my easily-triggered rage.

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  25. Having not driven in 6 years, I hope they do come out with a safe consumer version of the google car for dolts like me that are too afraid to put the pedal to the metal.

    You have not disappointed my addiction to laughter today.

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  26. Personally, I'd rather have a car drive around automatically. Then I can put an emperor penguin in the front seat and pretend I'm being chauferred around. The looks on people's faces would be priceless.

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  27. A fancy European import would have a bidet in it.

    Jay

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  28. When the car goes "I can't let you do that, Dave..." it's time to get a bicycle.

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  29. That last picture killed me. I've actually started watching Friends and finished Season 2 yesterday (hanging head in shame). All the new technology in cars is annoying. The bottom line is it's just more shit to break which will require "specially-trained mechanics" at the dealer to fix. Buying such a car is basically volunteering to bend over and refusing the lube.

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  30. >>...Isn't it incredible? I mean... who NEEDS this bullshit? See, I already have a front-mounted camera for improved parallel parking. It's called eyeballs.

    Yer a bloke after me own heart!

    I was just thinking the other day about how the cell phone appears to have become an essential piece of motoring equipment for the woman on the road. How were women able to drive prior to the invention of the cell phone?

    Someday someone'll even invent a car that does the yakkin' for 'em. Then they can do their nails and fix their makeup while the car carries and talks them to their destination.

    Come to think of it, maybe the car will even run on words! ("Oh, you bought a little foreign job! How many miles-per-sentence does your car get?")

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  31. I have a passionate hate on for heated seats.
    It feels creepy and weird and I just don't care for it.

    I want my smart car with a snooty accents a la Knightrider or shut the fuck up. Nothing in between.

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  32. I love the first picture of the poop face. It made me laugh much longer than it probably should have. I have to agree about the new bells and whistles in cars. If you need a car that can park itself and drive itself and reverse itself and you rely on cameras mounted all over the vehicle-you must be fairly brain dead.

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  33. The poop bomb was awesome!

    You've seen the stuff for the new Google car, right? It completely drives itself. I just figured out why Google would want a car that drives itself. It leaves the driver to spend even more time online opening up whole new advertising schemes! How insidious!

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  34. See now those are the kinds of technological innovations that pave the way for the future... science, are you listening?

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  35. Brilliant. Ford needs to hire you ASAP. While we're on the topic... can you add the "self-esteem booster" feature. You know, a rearview mirror that airbrushes your face and tells you how awesome you look, or a seat that compliments you on how light you feel.

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  36. Great post, thanks for the laughs! Did you hear about the self-driving cars that Google has been testing? They've just been approved in Navada. =O

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  37. I cracked up thinking about the Friends theme going off in the car - hysterical!! "I'll be there for you...." Damn. Now it's stuck in my head. Thanks.

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  38. You guys crack me up! Seriously, if most of those products were available, there would be customers, sadly...I think they're already out there looking for that stuff at Wal-Mart.

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  39. You could make a real buck if you introduced them though. The next face of genius, seize the moment!

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  40. Funny post! Gotta say the toilet joke was my fave!

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  41. I think the toilet idea is brilliant. I thank you, sir. The only thing I wondered is where the toilet paper holder is. Just a little detail. I also recommend a little air freshener activated by the dropping of the poop or pee. Yeah...I'm gonna stop now.

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  42. lol The clapper made me spit water. Classic. Mix all that together and, wow.

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  43. The look on Brandon's face in the 2nd picture(and Bryan's, later) is exactly why I want to start wearing Depends at work. I want to make that face, during meetings. Timing will be key, of course, so that it occurs right as someone asks for my opinion.

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  44. Who needs this bullshit? I do. You've never seen me drive. My poor car looks like a dented tuna can.

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  45. This made me laugh out loud. Multiple times. I love this blog, I can't say it enough.

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  46. why can't we create a driving service affordable to those of us...dem po folks.

    Hi Ray, can you drive me to work please?

    Datdursydigy! Jump on into my combine, boo!

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  47. Really true, sir. If you can't drive without the gizmos helping you, time to get off the road and drive the pedal cars.

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  48. I would buy that car in a heartbeat. I am on the road a lot and hate having to pull over just for a bathroom break. Especially when it's not for me.

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  49. Because I'm super funny and my running jokes never get old, I always clap several times when anyone around me complains about the lighting being a problem before allowing as how "I do not own the Clapper". Owning the car you describe would finally make my claps have an effect on the world around me. Of course, the old Thelma and Louise ending would come shortly thereafter for me.

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  50. Well, a long drive would never get boring again if you're car talked back to you. Although it would get annoying

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  51. Is it just me, but wouldn't you buy a car with all those features just for the comedy value???

    I just love how in nz it is illigal to talk on your phone, but it is completely legal to read a book, or watch a dvd!!!

    Stupid stupid laws!!!

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  52. My dream car of the future just has legs. Forget wheels - I want my car to look like a cheetah trying to catch an antelope - where the antelope is the movie I'm late for.

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  53. The poop seats are ace, but can your car fight crime ? Huh? Damn right, my dreamcar is straight out of a Knightrider-Batmobile lovechild scenario.

    On a side note, when we were in uni, there was this rumour about a scheme in London where people could call a helpline if they felt they were too drunk to drive and somebody would show up and drive them home. I'd pay good money for a car company that offers that service for life.

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  54. Haha awesome.

    Gimmie a Mustang or something awesome, transform it into being ecologically friendly and I'll be happy.

    And please, no 'Go knit a yurt' jokes. I'm tired of them.

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  55. So, how exactly does one wipe up after using the poop seat?

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  56. Oh yes, the lovely dumbing down technology.

    I love the toilet though. I'd really put that to good use...And the backseat driver? That reminds me of the GPS voice I was going to sell to all GPS manufacturers. It's called the "You can't drive worth a damn". When the GPS says, "Turn left", it will insult you by saying, "Your other left, stupid." You get the idea. :D

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  57. This is a great insight on how people think they need more things done for them (without doing it themselves) - Way to put it in perspective Cheers!

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  58. As a Computer Science creep I have been following self-driving cars for a while, since the robotics department in our uni is really into it.

    But you're right, most features are just a bit too much. Self-driving cars are ok, but I think most people will be too scared to trust a sexy computer to do all the driving for them.

    One of the most ridiculous features I ever heard of was a huge screen instead of a windshield, which broadcasts what is in front of you. I mean, what the heck is the bloody point?

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  59. It would be awesome to tell my car where to go and let it deal with traffic.

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  60. I’m a bit worried about the French or Italians car manufacturers getting hold of the self park mechanism. After all both nations like to use the bumpers on their cars as an instruction not a description*.

    * In parts of Paris it is illegal to park your car with the handbrake on** as it prevents other drivers from making room for themselves – You would not want to own the cars at the back or front of the line – especially if the next stop is a busy main road .....

    ** I accidently tried it once in a supermarket car park – I don’t recommend it, it works out more expensive than most parking fines....

    As for your toilet seat idea – big winner in my book – I accidently tried this as well – without the assistance of Leather seats and more importantly your mechanism (patent pending) installed.... This is something else I would not recommend....

    Hand gestures sound great but only if you hit a button on the steering wheel, which flips the bird or a V sign. After all it is nice to show your appreciation of other drivers more interesting road craft without having to swerve all over the road like a Panzer tank*** annexing Poland.....

    *** The swerve mechanism might prove problematic if fixed to a German car which reverts to type and starts looking for lebensraum - instead of staying in lane it would probably start automatically rounding up all the other cars and systematically eradicate them....Hmmm might mean the end of traffic jams.... but then who would be left to fire your doody at???

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  61. Ah, I love you guys. I neglect my usual blogs so often that when I finally come here after a while I get happy, then sad for my neglect, then happy again to be here.

    I also open up Paint after I'm done checking in here and try to draw something, then give up in a bad mood.

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  62. The more shit they keep adding to cars just makes me think (know?) that there's just more shit to have a problem with. Also, the poop-faces? So many levels of awesome.

    Cheers - SF

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  63. "Whoa, Jesus, sorry!"
    Wow. You're a chaffeur for the Almighty! What a sweet gig! Bet you don't have to worry about any frikkin' HOV lanes and tailgaters probably get turned into newts. Or Mitts. Or something.
    Plus, watching that first opening of 'Friends' make me think of what I thought when it first came one: one day those perky, oh-so-hip twenty-somethings will be seen as passe old somethings.
    And I'll be looked at as having one foot in the grave.
    But, that's okay. Because Courtney Cox is on a show called 'Cougars.'

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  64. I was considering following you guys privately, but that seemed too much like stalking (which I'm totally down with). Huge kudos for using "Slut" properly in your illustration. That's exactly how I use it.

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  65. I love your ideas. Patent them! Especially the toilet seat. I've never had a car with heated seats until this one. Can I keep that please? It feels so good on my butt when the leather otherwise would be fricken freezing! Hugs you guys!

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  66. I love my simple little car. Hubby's car has too many bells and whistles and beeps that scare the crap out of me.
    By the way, add to your list a coffee machine built in. That way, I dont have to stop on the way to work

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  67. i had a talking ad!? thats brutal. also this isnt where i parked my car.

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  68. This kinda makes me view "Knight Rider" in a way. I'll bet that KITT gave David Hasselhoff all kinds of static about looking at other cars.

    The toilet option on a car sounds rather cool, but for real convenience I would prefer a car that prevented my graom from threatening to wash my mouth out with soap. Something laser guided ala Yoki's tank would be pretty stellar.

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  69. Too many gadgets in cars now. The bells that go off if you don't put on your seat belt are annoying enough! (You want your chances of living to increase, wear it. You don't care; you don't want to be told what to do, DON'T! We can weed out our over populated world easy enough!)

    The features I WANT are rocket launchers like 007. I want to blast some of these idiots that can't drive and talk on the phone at the same time. NOT EVEN WITH HANDS FREE DEVICES!

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  70. i love your blog, it always makes me giggle... lolz

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  71. Ha! I do love it. But, I can't lie, I really look forward to self driving cars. Not because I'm lazy, but because I'd rather read a book as my car takes me to my destination. That or a light rail. I'm way more a public transportation type of person.

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  72. I wouldn't mind having a digital backseat driver. Nagging is fine; after all when you are forever alone, any voice other than your own is a good thing.

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  73. Bad combination: clap controls and the theme to Friends...priceless!

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  74. BUT UNNECESSARY TECHNOLOGY IS SO COOL! =D

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  75. I love that car crashing off the cliff photo.

    And I may be a couple of days late, but I still got here:)

    Love the work guys, keep it coming

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  76. I really could have used that toilet seat option during a 1st date that I was on...that's all i'm sayin'..does it come with optional air freshener?

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  77. Great piece. But in all honesty isn't the idea of being able to sit back and relax in your car, read a book, confirm all the items on the day's itenerary, or just catch some Z's appealing? It's the wave of the future man.

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