Thursday, February 2, 2012

Back in the Saddle Again

 
Well, folks. We made it. Bryan and I successfully managed to move all of my boxed up shit from Chicago to Denver. Like Bryan mentioned in a tweet, if we’d attempted the journey 200 years ago it would have taken us four months and I probably would have died of dysentery. Now however, navigating that post-apocalyptic limbo between the two cities (most commonly known as the greater Midwest) only took about 18 hours. Cheers to the 75 mph speed limits, which allowed us to exit the harrowingly desolate landscapes of Iowa and Nebraska with godspeed. Very few rabbits became roadkill. Many cups of godawful gas station coffee were chugged. And no one was killed, kidnapped, or abducted by rednecks aliens.

With that said, I’d like to share with you the top five things I most missed about living in Colorado.

ONE - Pepto Bismol. Yeah, I know you can still get the pink stuff in Chi-town, but what you can’t get is decent Mexican food. And nothing says “Sweet Jesus was that green chile relleno delicious” like an entire morning spent answering e-mails from the porcelain office chair. 

TWO - Medicinal marijuana dispensaries. Not that I’ve really smoked anything since college, but I get a kick out of the fact that there are more of these things in CO than there are Starbucks coffee shops. And there are a lot of fucking Starbucks’ here.

THREE - Dandruff. Nothing will quite remind you that you’ve got skin on your head like not being able to wear black shirts. As gross as that sounds, there’s zero humidity at this altitude, which means unless I invest in some Aveeno and hair conditioner, I’m going to be losing more skin than a leper by the end of the week.



FOUR - The best collection of craft breweries in the world. Left Hand, New Belgium, Oskar Blues, Boulder Beer, Breckenridge Brewery…just to name a few whose suds you’ve likely swilled if you give a damn about beer. And if you prefer your beer a little on the fizzy, pissier side, Coors and Budweiser brew here too.

FIVE - General friendliness. Maybe it’s because the state’s population is high as a kite half the time, but I appreciate the fact that Denver folks are pretty damn decent. Not saying I want my ass kissed, but I appreciate buying a cup of coffee and being at least 90% certain that the cashier doesn’t want to stab me in the spleen with a toothbrush. 
Don’t get me wrong. I love Chicago dearly. But I’m glad to be back in the land of the mountain people. I don’t ski or snowboard, but I do appreciate pointy, geological land formations. And good beer.

Also, just as a writing update, Bryan and I came up with a kick-ass idea for our next novel (once we finish our current one in the next few weeks) on the road trip. It’s going to be big. Very exciting stuff, and very different territory for both of us.

Cheers,

-Brandon
Beer: Fat Tire
Music: AC/DC

75 comments:

  1. Haha glad you made it back safely. I'm form the east coast I don't know what this niceness is you speak of, but it sounds like an interesting concept.

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  2. Welcome back! Glad you both got there safely, against all odds. I'm impressed with your survival skills.

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  3. Glad you had a safe journey. I can only imagine that getting high at that altitude is even more fun than at normal sea-level. I have...uh...rickets, can I get a medicinal marijuana card there?
    Sigh, I miss good Mexican food.

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  4. Mountains are great stuff, but then, so is the ocean. The dandruff though... not so much! Ugh!

    And I'm not even a squeamish person...

    Glad you made it home safe!

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  5. glad to see you guys made it safe.... minus the shanking. Also, I think it's time to invest in some head and shoulders and maybe consider taking a shower at least once a week.

    I mean, in chicago I know the average is only once every couple of decades, but you're gonna have to step up your game here!

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  6. I'm coming to Colorado! More dispensaries than Starbucks? Heaven! And Home of the many brewed beers! Sweet Jesus! All Indiana has is corn fields and red necks!

    Glad you made it back safely!

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  7. The hills are alive with the smell of medical marijuana. Enjoy the fresh air.
    :-)

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  8. Pointy land formations, what are those you speak of? It's all flat around here. Can't say I ever fear about getting stabbed with a toothbursh though, maybe choked with dental floss, but never stabbed.

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  9. Good to hear you made it without an incident from Deliverance occurring.......

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  10. *looks at email received from ABFTS yesterday morning in a whole new light now*

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  11. "My own winter wonderland" now thats freakin funny. :P

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  12. Man, it sounds so nice . . . it's like Canada or something.

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  13. Good to hear you made it! I was concerned you'd be attacked by Indians in Nebraska.

    I have heard they scalp people.

    "Fat Tire", huh?

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  14. I love your drawings! You make me want to visit my friends in Denver - its only a half day's drive from me, and where I am SUCKS. Beer and zero humidity sounds so nice I want to marry it twice. I'm pretty sure we have 4000% humidity so instead of dandruff, I'm just perpetually moist, and I don't use that word lightly because its disgusting.

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  15. And just to clarify I meant my hair is frizzy and the atmosphere was moist.

    Oh nevermind. Dammit.

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  16. A new novel already?! Very exciting! Can't wait.
    The east coast is friendly depending on the weather, time of day, day of the week and generally any other type of variable that isn't controllable. In short, we're a nice bitchy group.

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  17. Awww...glad that you made it safely. Think I'll stick with good ole Southern Hospitality - we don't have mountains - they are more like large bumps in the roads - but pretty to look at anyway.

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  18. I am so very jealous. I heart Denver so hard.

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  19. This post is making me move to Coloroda. i am sad that you didn't mention mt.precios, don't tell tht you don't miss her.
    Good luchk in snowy mountain Colorodo.

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  20. Breckenridge Beer? A.) I assumed that was made in Breckenridge...B.) But if it's made in Denver, that makes Denver the promised land. I may need an Oatmeal Stout for breakfast now.

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  21. ::laughs:: You always make me laugh =)

    I feel the same way about chinese food here. It's terrible and I miss the good stuff from back home.

    And the same thing with friendliness. I don't know if it's just because everyone in New York has a giant stick up their ass and they have to be all intellectually and fashionably superior (or from the Bronx) but whenever I go back to my home state I remember that random strangers don't look at you like you have a 3rd head when you smile and say good morning. It's kind of nice.

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  22. That friendliness can even change from town to town. I live in such a small town everyone waves to everyone on the road. When I go to my parents' town which is 45 minutes away, people look at me like "who the hell are you?" when I wave. It's habit now!

    http://www.talkativetaurus.com/

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  23. I love that you have dandruff as a "tag". Good luck on your new adventures in Colorado. I moved from the Midwest(Michigan)to the South(Georgia). Southern hospitality my ass! I am more likely to get shanked here than in Detroit. Not very fond of the Yankees down here. My neighbors actually thought I was a drug dealer because I moved from a different state and had attack dogs (a couple small knee high white fluff ball American Eskimos -also known as Spitz). Who could ever consider something called a "Spitz" an attack dog. I kind of think they were just fishing to see if they could buy some weed from me. Maybe they should move to Colorado where it is more available. "I'll have a Grande half-caf Moccachino Latte with skim milk and whipped cram and a bag of your finest greens...better throw in some munchies while your at it."

    Weed at Starbucks. Just crazy!

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  24. You know, this post has me rethinking a trend from history that I have just accepted as fact. The barbarians always attack from the north.

    Or, maybe that's because I grew up in Georgia. Who knows.

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  25. The first place I went when I journeyed back to California was Los Hermanos (our small town's only Mexican food place) and you better believe I ordered carnitas so hard. I mean, I love Scotland and its peoples but their take on Mexican cuisine is not um ... right.

    Glad you boys made it back without your car ever stalling outside a not-so-abandoned rape barn. A successful trip indeed!

    - Ash

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  26. Yeah, you made it.......welcome back!

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  27. I'm sort of sad that you didn't break down in Bumfuck, NE. That would have made for a good post (I'm selfish, I know). My cheating, lying, selfish, doucheasaurous Ex is from Denver, so not everyone is nice. But the breweries are nice. Very nice. Glad you made it back!

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  28. I have a lot of dandruff so I should probably try to use that line. I'm looking forward to the next book, and this major one. Good luck with writing it guys, it does sound pretty major.

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  29. Is it bad that I want to treat New Belgium as my personal Mecca, and make a pilgrimage to there sometime this year?

    To pray of course, and by pray, I mean drink.

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  30. Wait, you mean it's not 75mph everywhere? Glad to see you safely back in the saddle, in good humor and form as always, and ready for the next big project. Hmm ... back in the saddle again...
    Out where a friend is a friend
    Where the longhorn cattle feed
    On the lowly gypsum weed...
    Gene Autry had it right. Sounds like you do, too. ;)

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  31. I can't relate to any of this, which provides a very weird sensation. Pros and cons I don't really get. It's interesting. And uh, welcome home? Ish? Thing.

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  32. Well aside from the dandruff Colorado seems perfect. I love traveling there.
    Now as for the new book..........
    You say its a kind of departure for you huh?
    My money is on that its either a story about time traveling tacos....
    or....
    A love story about two guys road-tripping through the Midwest.... and what happens when they break down and only have each other to keep warm!

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  33. Glad you have arrived back in Denver and won't get stabbed when you buy a coffee after you've stopped for a quick toke. My kind of place! haha.

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  34. So glad you made it there safely... this post made me nostalgic for Denver as well, it's been too long! All those breweries... between CO and CA we have some of the best brews in the world.

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  35. My girlfriend's been to CO a few times. She liked it a lot, but I haven't been close.

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  36. 18 hours? Holy crap. I would have given up after 6, and settled into a road side hovel.

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  37. No good Mexican food?? Have you tried a little place called Taco Bell?

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  38. I love the west. We live in high desert, so understand the skin thing. Don't forget to moisturize your insides. Some nice saline & aloe nasal spray is great.

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  39. Your own "Winter Wonder Land"...love it! Hey, we're neighbors for a while...i'm in Utah with Mum...be afraid. Be very afraid!

    i miss Virginia...or at least the idea of it. but the snow is nice!

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  40. As someone from Vancouver (a.k.a. Land of BC Bud), I find it disheartening that CO has more dispensaries than Starbucks; I don't think we have any... Maybe I just need to get a bad case of glaucoma to see one! :)

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  41. Congrats on a successful move~! 18 hour road trip with a good friend, crappy coffee and your whole life's collection of stuff trailing behind ya.

    Hell, that's got a story just waitin' to be written right there!

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  42. Don't forget the smaller less known breweries: Revolution Brewery, Ouray Brewery, Horsefly Brewery! Yay! Ima go drink some beer now....

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  43. congrats on the move...I'm always amazed by the way American's just up sticks and move hundreds of miles. In the UK moving 30 miles takes a military operation - or maybe that's just where my wife is involved.

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  44. Haha, trophy wife stint, that cracks me up.

    Good to hear more novels in the works :)

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  45. Love the dandruff, but BUDWEISER?! I don't think that's a beer you should brag about...unless it's the Budweiser from the Czech Republic. ;)

    I'll also be heading out of Chi-Town soon. Headed to Germany for a month.

    Glad you guys made it back safely and your creative juices continued to flow. :D

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  46. Work got in the way of following the trip via your tweets and it depressed me.

    What more can you need if you have pot, live in a fridge full of beer, have nice people around and a retired trophy wife? You got it made! :)

    Don't forget to check out my review/post of missing link at http://accordingtojewels.com/the-missing-link/

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  47. I just want you both to know, I love reading your blog :) At the end of a long day, sitting down and reading a few short clips from a few humorous people, well, it's fun. Keep drinking them beers, listening to AC/DC and entertaining your followers with your humor!

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  48. sweet. Look forward to yonder ebooks.

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  49. It's not that idea you stole from me, is it? :P

    Interestingly enough, there was supposed to be a new medicinal smoke joint opening near here, but funding got pulled or something.

    Did you see Tib pt 8 is up?

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  50. LOL @ "since my last stint as a trophy wife". Very clever. Glad to hear you guys made it safely!

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  51. I'm excited to hear of the upcoming novel and how it's roads you haven't traveled yet.

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  52. Thank god you didn't have much flat tyres.
    It must have been fun zooming down countryside at about 140 kmph. Photographer's paradise, or at least mine.
    Well, each town has its good things and bad things. Just think of the good things, and life just rolls on. And good luck on your novel.

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  54. Glad you had a safe journey without getting abducted by ... aliens.

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  55. So many beers and no way to get them. They should allow the breweries to mail beer. They do with wine.

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  56. Welcome back...well there ..uh you know what I mean.

    So will you guys write a chick flick?

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  57. You're into "pointy, geological land formations" too? I'm hoping to visit Alaska specifically to check out such formations..

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  58. I almost died living in NY because there was no decent Mexican food. Welcome home!

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  59. 200 years ago? Didn't the Donners get into a bit of a culinary scrap only about 130 or so years ago (wayyyyyy too lazy to Google the exact dates)?

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  60. I'll take your word that Denver is more friendly. Everytime I visit the States it's like everyone is cranky.

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  61. First, I fucking LOVE your blog! My fave line in this post: "90% certain that the cashier doesn’t want to stab me in the spleen with a toothbrush." I find that good one liners never have enough references to spleens, ya know! I've always wanted to visit Colorado. Haven't made it there YET! And re your ass-geyser...Last night I ate MANY spicy buffalo wings my awesome cook friend makes. Needless to say I did just what you mentioned, was on the phone during my anal tsunami then had to deal with the post ring of fire. Good times!

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  62. Great, I found you! Thank you so much for following me and sorry it took me a few days to return the favour - busy few days. :) Love your blog ;)I look forward to your future posts :) You guys are a crack-up. I just adore the name of your blog :) lol

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  63. I know. I'm so jealous of your proximity to Left Hand. I have Starr Hill here, but still...

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  64. Hey, now that you're both in Colorado, come stop by The Big Beaver Brewery in Loveland! I'll buy your beers!

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  65. Denver is awesome! Love that city. Enjoy every last dandruff bit of it all :)

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  66. I like gas station coffee. Sure, it's weak and flavorless, but some gas stations offer a large syrup and coffee-mate selection. Besides, it's only a dollar. Head & Shoulders isn't cheap, you know.

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  67. '...the porcelain office chair' hahaha I'd never heard that one before. You guys don't mind good ol' RCB stealing um borrowing that one from you? Decent folks should be high on everyone's list. Guess you can't have it all. I know one thing, though - you fellas write faster than Mr Gump could run.

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  68. If the husband ever gets promoted to a boring office job with the company, it will likely be in Denver. I will expect a welcome committee bearing gifts of Breckenridge Avalanche, Left Hand 400 Pound Monkey, New Belgium 1554 and New Belgium Trippel. I haven't had the Oskar Blues brews yet, but I plan to soon.

    On a serious note, we're all glad you made it back, safe and sound.

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  69. Well it's good to know that the mix tape of bad 80s music did not finish you guys off.

    I too love pointy, geological land formations! I saw some images of Colorado in this documentary once, and it looked so beautiful. I really want to visit it sometime, especially for all the snow.

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  70. I'm a little late catching up, but I'm glad you made it back safely. I'm not surprised you have a new idea for your next novel, what with the 18hr long road trip and all. It kinda makes up for the hole you burned through your stomach with all that crappy coffee.

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