Monday, January 16, 2012

Where in the World is Brandon Sandiego?

          As was mentioned in the last post, Brandon is leaving the great city of Chicago. Many asked where he's headed, so I'm here to tell you where he's going. Or maybe I should say where he's considering going. Sure, somewhere in America is the obvious choice, but why not dream big? Why not go somewhere far across the globe? An adventure, if you will... but on a budget. We starving artists don't always have our pick of the litter.
          Like, there's always China. I hear the people are really friendly.











           Okay, so probably not China. Aside from the whole language barrier thing, I bet it's too expensive to live there, anyway. Brandon needs to go somewhere cheap. Somewhere like Ethiopia.





          But I guess that wouldn't work out very well either. For one, I look terrible in a loin cloth.



           So poverty stricken is good, but maybe Ethiopia isn't for him. What about Latvia? They seem like a... fun bunch.

















           You know what, fuck it. Brandon's just coming back to Colorado.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Amber Bock
Music: Gotye


84 comments:

  1. Great post guys... so funny! I would go for China though, the look really suited you.

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  2. A part of me feels deeply disturbed by this..... I also feel quite rich now living in Ireland, the land of all Potatos!

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  3. Haha! Try England... it's a bit limp here.

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  4. It's amazing what potatoes can get you these days! Good luck with the move to Colorado!

    I like how that goat keeps popping up in your posts!

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  5. It's never wrong to use an Ethiopian like a deer uses a salt lick. You do look rather fetching wearing Chinese garb though. I'm avoiding talking about the loin cloth by talking about everything but the loincloth.

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  6. Politically incorrect, crass and insensitive -- you're at the top o' your form, boys!

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  7. Poor goat. :-(

    But bitches gotta eat, amirite?

    Love the potato prostitution thingy.

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  8. Getting laid for a potato...reminds me of home back in Ireland.....

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  9. I don't think I'm allowed to laugh at this.

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  10. Licking the tears of the grandma was a touch of inspired genius. That was so funny. And as a huge fan of the retarded goat with the orthopedic shoe (didn't know she had a name either), any post where it makes an appearance is a win.
    Why do I have that Peaches and Herb song stuck in my head?

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  11. Wow I hate potatoes to eat, but I guess to some they are a treat. Never knew they could get you so much. With Lativia I must be out of touch. I confuse some japanese with rhyme, that's the same as chinese right?..lol

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  12. Not the goat! :( The goat has to still be alive somehow. Maybe it's too stupid to die. At least your Chinese antics got the guy to speak English. You broke the language barrier.

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  13. That goat certainly gets around; which is surprising given its gammy leg and clearly absent brain. Go team goat!

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  14. I had no idea Peggy Sue was such an athlete! I'm hoping that there will be an increase in what-the-fuckery now that you'll both be in the same state again!

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  15. "That is extremely ignorant". Priceless... Great post - gotta love stereotypes LOL! Good luck on the move... looking forward to hearing what kind of shenanigans you guys get up to being in the same place again.

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  16. lol great post! I'm just letting all the blogs I follow know about my giveaway today, please stop by if you can: http://authorjess.blogspot.com/2012/01/big-2012-birthday-giveaway-come-and-get.html

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  17. How about India? All those heartbroken people, travel to India, backpackers as everyone say to learn yoga, spiritual englightenment, Taj mahal, ashram (many actually are cathouses/leper centres, you to watch) blah blah blah and then write a book like "Eat,Pray,Love" or like Steve Jobs start the company after returning from India and become a billionaire? Do you know that guy used to walk miles to eat free lunch from ashram and temples.

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  19. Colorado could probably seem like a foreign country; if you're from Utah.

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  20. Yumm loincloth...Suits both of you :P

    Latvia doesn't sound too bad, goats taste pretty ok I have actually eaten some, because my dad is allergic to beef (don't ask).

    And I want a toy that looks like that retarded goat, it's kinda adorable. Hey, hold on a sec, I have a great money making scheme for you guys - sell official ABftS plush toys!

    Thanks for your lovely comments on my blog. It's great bastards like you who make blogging totally worthwhile :)

    Anyways, good luck on all the packing. Hope the move is not too painful.

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  21. That goat gets around, doesn't she? Glad you're moving back to the best state ever! Why did you ever leave?!

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  22. That was brilliant, what about Greece? If you have a few dollars I am sure you could make it far there.

    I finished the book "Missing Link" it was brilliant, it really makes you laugh out loud plus snort bubbles...mhhh snort bubbles.

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  23. Goat potato chips, eh? My husband swears he had barbequed pork potato chips once and they were amazing, but i have yet to find them anywhere...

    i sorta think he's fibbing just to make me crazier and shop every store in a 90 mile radis trying to find them.

    You guys are simply insprirng. You should move to Virginia...oh, wait, i have to go to Utah for a few months...i'm sure you would LOVE it there.....

    xoxo,
    tracy

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  24. Why is it I always feel a little guilty when I laugh at your posts? I laugh, look around to make sure God isn't watching, then laugh some more.

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  25. Wait! Why did he decide not to live in Latvia? It sounds like a great place to live! Potato prostitues and all!

    (the Ethiopia jokes where so great! I was laughing and saddend all at once!)

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  26. Tell me, did anyone else besides me get that "Brandon Sandiego" comment?

    Love how you managed to work in an old PBS show from the 90's into the post.

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  27. lmfao prostitutes that work for potatoes... must try this out.

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  29. Seems like everyone's been diggin' Gotye recently. Making Mirrors is a pretty cool album. And I've yet to have an infamous keystone light. Maybe that's for the best.

    Also. Really nice work on the dragon head, that must have taken a fair bit of effort. It didn't go unappreciated!

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  30. I tried hard not to laugh at this, I really did. The PC police will be arriving shortly to take us away.

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  32. I tried very hard not to laugh. But the one shoe on the goat broke me. You f-ing broke me at the goat.

    Go to California. No more midwest for you. Also, bring me. I have potato.

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  33. Yeah, Cali is where it's at :) Or Latvia, Latvia sounds nice. Just bring a crate of potatoes.

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  34. I bet that goat will be back, though. It seems to turn up pretty often :P

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  35. Hey Colorado is awesome... I travel there a handful of times a year with my lady. Love Boulder! Anyways safe travels and save me some some orthopedic goat leg... Delicious!

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  36. Well, why not? He's conquered Chi-town. Watch out Colorado... Brandon's on his way!! (But will he be taking Peggy Sue with him?)
    Oh, and all that good skiing, too. I'm envious. I'd like to see the two of you on the slopes. Can't imagine the adventures...
    Good luck Brandon! ;)

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  37. Ahahaha. Ahhh. Actually there's beer in Ethiopia, it's pay for a day of work. It's definitely a good choice. Yes.

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  38. Sweet Mother of Chins! You guys kill me!

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  39. If you guys ever decide to move to Brazil, I'll be your guide and translator. But I'm going to need a little more than potatoes as payment, that shit won't cut it over there. Hmm, maybe if I can keep Peggy Sue it might be enough...

    Anyway, safe travels and good luck in your new place. Bryan must be happy to have you back. Oh, and if Meli isn't, she can come visit anytime. :D

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  40. Really? Back to Colorado?
    Le Sigh.

    You could go to San Francisco, Portland or Austin to live with the swarms of starving artists...

    But instead you pick a land-locked state with...
    DUN DUN DUUUUUUN

    Snow.

    On the other hand, sometimes having your pals around is JUST what you need :)

    Good luck, my (sort of...internet) friend!

    :)
    Jen

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  41. Hilarious! Don't think I'd eat the goat chips though. Or the goat.

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  42. Hope Brandon lands somewhere good. :)

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  43. Nice to see the two brothers re-uniting. Maybe write a poem about it while you are intoxicated.

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  44. Goat chips. Bet ya can't eat just one.
    They're not baaaadddddddddddd (pardon my use of an overly-used, obvious joke).

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  45. So the end theme is "will fuck for food"?

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  46. I loved it! :) very enjoyable, keep it up!

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  47. Lol, loved the first one. Keep it up!

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  48. Strangely I used the potato trick in Ireland it worked bloody wonders :P

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  49. Hey, if potatoes are going to get you laid so much, why the hell didn't you pick Idaho? haha. Love it! You guys are so awesome.

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  50. The goat gets me every time

    Yes, it gets my goat.

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  51. hehe so good ^_^
    needs more red hat in true carmen sandiego form.

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  52. This post is hilarious...Did you two write for South Park?

    Thanks for the laugh.

    This year I'll be writing a good-bye letter to Chicago, too.

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  54. Good luck on the move. I don't go to Colorado a lot if I do mainly to fly out of DIA, but what I've been there it's been fun or pretty country.

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  55. I think he should go to China and learn how to be a ninja.

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  56. Safe travels! The Wasteland of the Midwest is even more daunting in the middle of winter! Of course, living in Colorado, you're no stranger to that. :)

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  57. Now that you've taken on extreme economy poverty I don't think anyone can accuse you of playing it safe in terms of your comedic subject matter.

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  58. Yeah, I knew that guy's daughter couldn't have cornered the market on potato related prostitution. That's all me, baby. I am constantly surrounded by Irish men, because they love my scent.

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  59. LOL the last pic was awesome. so true too.

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  60. If we take a plane to Colorado, we can ask the locals questions about Brandon! We may even pick up a clue or two which will point the way to the next location!

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  61. And then there's always potato head. FYI, Mexico is a great destination.

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  62. Potato prostitution!! I wonder how many women you could get with a bunch of twice baked potatoes. (Bonus sessions if there's bacon on them)

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  63. *giggle*
    ya'll are sooooo good for my morning wake-up.
    i'm gonna go get a bag of taters and see what happens...

    Colorado is beautiful!!! Texas is a good plan B.
    ;-D
    robelyn

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  65. Good thing that's only a 20lb sack because burlap would be itchy on his other sack.

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  66. I've been busy lately but I'm catching up today. My daughter and I were just talking about the goat last week. I love that the goat has made another appearance. Oh and potato prositution.....LMAO!

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  67. Colorado sounds like a good choice. In fact, I'm jealous. Dammit!

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  68. Hope the move goes well! Tears or Keystone? These are the tough questions. I was in a bar yesterday and saw an ad for a Fatty Natty. That's a phrase that should have been used YEARS ago!

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  69. I love how politically incorrect this was. It's fab-ahh-louss. Thanks for the slightly guilty giggles.

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  70. my tip would be the French Foreign Legion...

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  71. Absolutely hilarious....blatant inappropriate racism and all.

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  72. it's like this. I'm scrolling and giggling, scorlling and shaking my head then I scroll and SURPRISE! Retarded goat! BAHAHAHAHA

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  73. Smh. This was so inappropriate I felt ridiculous getting mad. All the best, Brandon.

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  74. Okay, so probably not China. Aside from the whole language barrier thing, I bet it's too expensive to live there, anyway.
    I think you will find that life is cheap in China....The cost of a coffee in the UK is about £3.50 while in China it is half a Renminbi and at least three lives....

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  75. You never cease to make me spew Hornsby's through my nostrils. Thanks for the laughs, and I hope SOPA and PIPA don't take your hilarity away from me.

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  76. I am so proud of myself at being able to read most of that Chinese. And while I should be offended, I'm too busy laughing because I make these same jokes myself.

    Also, thanks for the cooking tips, I'll keep them in mind. :P

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  77. Look, if inflation keeps going the way it is, potatoes are going to become a hot commodity. I'm just... I mean, SHE was just being an innovator in that field.

    :)

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  78. Aw, of course Colorado! You guys just couldn't handle the long distance relationship anymore...

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  79. Wait, is that dirt or are those freckles...oh god, I don't know which is worse: my desire to figure this out or to see how far a sack of potatoes would get me in Latvia.

    I was just re-watching Eurotrip (unfuckingrated, yo) and yeaaaah, a sack of potatoes would probably get you pretty far. That and speaking as an American, Eastern Europe is just so freaking peculiar to me.

    Of course I can barely get my head wrapped around certain Canadian customs and such, they who are America's hat.

    I normally dig Canadians, unless they're on one of my glorious, pseudodemocratically capitoanarchist (or is that anarchocapitalist?) screwed-up highways.

    Then it's time to bust out the spiked shoulder pads and, hook up the snow plough blade to the front of the ol' Dodge and get my Beyond Thunderdome on.

    ...fuck, what was I talkin' 'bout? Oh yeah, sounds like the Tour du Aids with this particular segment. Remember guys, wrap it twice before you tap it, and for the love of whatever upright walking god you believe in don't forget the nut condom.

    'Cuz not even yer testicles are safe anymore.

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  80. Why does your Latvian goat have polio?

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  81. There are a lot of potatoes in Scotland so you probs wouldn't want to come here. There isn't a whole lot of good produce though ... so um ... maybe you could bring that? Yeah that.

    -Ash

    P.S. Chicago's for squares anyways

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  82. Colorado is where it's at, anyway. This is where the cool kids are...myself excluded.

    You'd think the guy with the potato sack would get laid, just by virtue of the advertising.

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  83. Wherever you decide to go, Brandon.... don't undress! My eyes! My eyes! What a world!

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  84. Holy fuck how much did you guys write in the one week that I was on the prepping for Boston/in Boston/working like a serf to pay for bus fare because I'm a brokeass writer like that? I simultaneously happy since I enjoy the reading material, ashamed that my posts are so meager and also tired because it's 330am and I'm awake with a sick dog while catching up on my blog roll.

    ...

    I'll shut up now.

    Except to say that there are chicks here in Jersey that will fuck you for a potato. Or even just a french fry.

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