Why? Because last week one of them almost destroyed my car.
Now, don't let those floppy ears, wiggly nose, and big glossy eyes fool you. They are pure evil.
No, I don't believe you, Mr. Bunny, or as I like to think of you... nature's terrorist.
|Remember kids, it's not racist if it's a cute little bunny rabbit.|
This little monster wrecked one of the few (kind-of) cool things I have going for me - my black Audi, which makes me like the junior version of Jason Statham in the Transporter.
It also, however, means that I drive a German death trap with the reliability of a hooker's menstrual cycle. Yes, I fix all of my own cars, but the Audi is an electrical nightmare. Fun fact: when you open the hood, this is all you see. The engine's buried somewhere underneath (or at least I'm told this car has an engine).
Back to the rabbit terrorism. At first, I thought a bunny hiding under my car was cute. "Aww, he just needs a place to sleep." Well, that was until the little fucker chewed through a bunch of wires and sent my car into a digital panic attack.
After almost a week, I spliced all the wires back together, but the bunnies are back, and I refuse to let this happen again. I'm declaring war.
Only... it's not working so well.
First, I tried rabbit spray. Basically, this is a bottle of coyote pheromones that drive off rabbits because they think a coyote marked his territory there. Kinda like this...
Except... it's probably the foulest thing I've ever smelled, and my whole car now reeks of rotting meat and coyote sex hormones. Which is a slap in the face since the rabbits aren't deterred in the slightest.
Then, like any reasonable adult, I left out a bear trap full of rat poison. But that didn't work either.
I even tried blasting the most obnoxious Norwegian speed metal I could find.
But... as much as I thought he was screaming in horror, it turns out he was just screaming along. Apparently rabbits love Norwegian speed metal.
I was at the end of my rope. So, like any reasonable adult, I consulted a 50 year old cartoon for ideas on how to deal with these rascally rabbits.
But no amount of dynamite, booby traps, or rockets could stop the rabbits, and with all of the backfiring weaponry that's singed my eyebrows and burned three quarters of my body, I'm starting to question the legitimacy of the Acme Corporation. Also, an anvil crushed my car, a falling piano killed the fake-breasted neighbor (in case you're wondering, they popped like water-balloons, and I know you are, don't lie) and I'm currently pending litigation from half the neighborhood over a fiasco involving a pair of jet powered roller skates.
My last straw was Dan. See, I needed the help of someone used to killing little critters. A redneck. So, like any reasonable adult, I turned to our good friend Workin' Dan for a little hillbilly wisdom. I mean, if anyone could kill a rabbit, it'd have to be him.
So since Dan shoots rabbits as well as the Indianapolis Colts win games (I blame the baseball cap covering his eyes), I'm screwed. How the hell do I get rid of this scruffy white prick before he destroys my car again? Oh, and what about the rabbit? (Just kidding, Dan)
Anyone have any ideas that don't involve dynamite, anvils, or double barreled shotguns?
Stay classy, friends,
Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat
Music: Trevor Hall