Monday, January 9, 2012

Wabbit Season

          We've waged war on Twilight. We've waged war on the publishing industry. We've even waged war on terrorism (our current blog threat level is burnt sienna). Now... we're waging war on rabbits.
          Why? Because last week one of them almost destroyed my car.
          Now, don't let those floppy ears, wiggly nose, and big glossy eyes fool you. They are pure evil.

          No, I don't believe you, Mr. Bunny, or as I like to think of you... nature's terrorist.

Remember kids, it's not racist if it's a cute little bunny rabbit.

          This little monster wrecked one of the few (kind-of) cool things I have going for me - my black Audi, which makes me like the junior version of Jason Statham in the Transporter.

          It also, however, means that I drive a German death trap with the reliability of a hooker's menstrual cycle. Yes, I fix all of my own cars, but the Audi is an electrical nightmare. Fun fact: when you open the hood, this is all you see. The engine's buried somewhere underneath (or at least I'm told this car has an engine).

          Back to the rabbit terrorism. At first, I thought a bunny hiding under my car was cute. "Aww, he just needs a place to sleep." Well, that was until the little fucker chewed through a bunch of wires and sent my car into a digital panic attack.

          After almost a week, I spliced all the wires back together, but the bunnies are back, and I refuse to let this happen again. I'm declaring war.
          Only... it's not working so well.
          First, I tried rabbit spray. Basically, this is a bottle of coyote pheromones that drive off rabbits because they think a coyote marked his territory there. Kinda like this...

          Except... it's probably the foulest thing I've ever smelled, and my whole car now reeks of rotting meat and coyote sex hormones. Which is a slap in the face since the rabbits aren't deterred in the slightest.
          Then, like any reasonable adult, I left out a bear trap full of rat poison. But that didn't work either.

            I even tried blasting the most obnoxious Norwegian speed metal I could find.

           But... as much as I thought he was screaming in horror, it turns out he was just screaming along. Apparently rabbits love Norwegian speed metal.

           I was at the end of my rope. So, like any reasonable adult, I consulted a 50 year old cartoon for ideas on how to deal with these rascally rabbits.

          But no amount of dynamite, booby traps, or rockets could stop the rabbits, and with all of the backfiring weaponry that's singed my eyebrows and burned three quarters of my body, I'm starting to question the legitimacy of the Acme Corporation. Also, an anvil crushed my car, a falling piano killed the fake-breasted neighbor (in case you're wondering, they popped like water-balloons, and I know you are, don't lie) and I'm currently pending litigation from half the neighborhood over a fiasco involving a pair of jet powered roller skates.
          My last straw was Dan. See, I needed the help of someone used to killing little critters. A redneck. So, like any reasonable adult, I turned to our good friend Workin' Dan for a little hillbilly wisdom. I mean, if anyone could kill a rabbit, it'd have to be him.

           So since Dan shoots rabbits as well as the Indianapolis Colts win games (I blame the baseball cap covering his eyes), I'm screwed. How the hell do I get rid of this scruffy white prick before he destroys my car again? Oh, and what about the rabbit? (Just kidding, Dan)
           Anyone have any ideas that don't involve dynamite, anvils, or double barreled shotguns?

Stay classy, friends,

Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat
Music: Trevor Hall


  1. I once ate rabbit. The taste wasn't bad. Just sayin'.

  2. Have you never played Oregon Trail? Rabbits are the one thing that's easy to shoot.
    Or you could leave lettuce and carrots under your neighbor's car instead. Two birds, one stone.
    Or, if you're intent on using 50 year old cartoon logic, dress up like a lady rabbit and lure it away...I accept no responsibility if you get bunny raped.

  3. I will probably get a mountain of hate mail for this, but guns might actually be the answer!

    OK, not real guns. I'm talking airsoft guns. (Not BB guns either. Airsoft guns are perfectly legal and won't kill the rabbit)

    They fire little pellets that sting like a mutha trucker and will deter any animal from going into that area again (except for a Rhino, but you don't have Rhino problems right? At least not yet.)

    We had a really annoying cat that would sit on our back wall and howl all the livelong night and nothing we did would get rid of it until I got really annoyed one night and just shot the cat with the airsoft gun. Cat is fine but it never sat on that wall again.

  4. I find that a bear trap full of rat poison solves most problems in a reasonable, adult manner. And that coyote spray, we had to use that ish against the aggressive deer population up in Placerville when I was in high school and it didn't do one damn bit of good. You think somebody just made that stuff as a joke? I imagine the conversation went like this:

    Man #1: "Hey, let's just fill this jug full of pee and see how many people we can convince to spray it all over their stuff."
    Man #2: "HAH. No one is THAT stupid."

    Two months later ... WORLD DOMINATION

    Oh and there is a bunny in my blog this week too. This must mean we're best friends.

    - Ash

  5. No no no, you're doing this ALL WRONG! You're supposed to dress like this:

    and lure Senor Chewy Bunny Bum OUT.

    Bunny just wants a li'l humpty hump is all.

    (It's disturbing how much a snickered picturing you guys dressing like that.)

    ((It's also disturbing that I pictured you guys dressing like that in the first place.))

    (((Especially since the picturing didn't have anything to do with your post, it was just a coincidence.)))

  6. Please tell me you've seen the Buffy episode where one of the characters sings about how evil bunnies are.

    As far as the rabbits go...

    My solution to everything is to call my Dad so feel free to call my Dad.

  7. There's a reason why we country folk don't have rabbit problems. We usually have several snarling dogs roaming around the premises. Dogs like to chase rabbits. Rabbits avoid dogs. Problem solved.

    I had a similar problem once with squirrels. The dogs weren't agile enough to chase them. While everyone was remarking how cute were, they were eating the wiring in my shed.

  8. have you tried the things that help against marten...when they try to bite the cable they get an eletric shock dad had to install it cos they liked to eat his car too

  9. Get cats and don't feed them. I think they'd eat the rabbits. (loving the fudd look by the way!)

  10. You could dress up like Jessica Rabbit and lure it away with a sexy sultry pout.

    Other than that I'd suggest a big dog, cat or calling the sexually confused Hawk in for an under car buffet!

  11. Hahah 1. The rabbits mouth looks ridiculously filthy to me. sorry.
    2. Did you see the adorable bunny I drew on Friday? Just get it to seduce your rabbits away from your car!

  12. What I would do if it were me (sand it's not me) is fill my car with cats or coyotes or some sort of predator that rabbits would be afraid of!

    Mountain lions, maybe.

  13. I'm not sure how "sand" was relevant to my last comment.

    I'm sure it was, but in some sort of obscure Joycean way. Sometimes, even I am not smart enough to understand my inadvertent brilliance.

  14. I've heard this happening with squirrels. (are you positive it's rabbits?) If it's a rat, get some rat traps :) Also, you can put your car in a garage but I'm guessing that's not an option for you.

    Hilarious as usual and good idea to ask the internet!

  15. Also I googled rabbit traps and there seems to be some options out there.

  16. You and Workin' Dan make an awesome team! Keep up the good work!

    Love, The Rabbit

  17. Putting a gun in my hand is probably not the best idea, considering my current state of mind!

    I loved the movie quotes...considering I happen to like The Karate Kid and Dirty Dancing!

    Should have called my step dad...he is the real hillbilly! Eats those things for breakfast!

    I may live in Indiana, surrounded by corn fields. I guess that makes me a redneck! I should get a straw hat and cram a wad of tobacco in my mouth and just roll with the part given to me!

    Well done! Thanks for the honor of appearing on your comic!

  18. A summer ago we had rabbits standing on their hind legs to get at our low hanging tomatoes. I asked a guy at our local Co-op how to deter them without killing them, and he suggested lots and lots of cayenne pepper sprinkled under the plants. The rabbits used the extra mounds of pepper to get a better gnaw on our tomatoes (and one asked if we had any salt...)
    Human hair is supposed to keep them away, if you know anyone running a styling shop who will bag it up for you after cuts.
    You can also get a pepper spray that is sold at seed stores, it goes on with a waxy coating so it sticks to whatever you hose down, and when Bugs chews on your wax covered wires he gets a hot habanero blast to the tongue. Again, none of this shit worked for us, but your rabbits might not be a stubborn as ours were.

    Be careful, some bunnies have a mean streak a mile wide. As Tim the Enchanter would say, "Look at the bones!"

  19. The Norwegian speed metal bunny pictures were absolutely hilarious. You should get a cage, put some lettuce in it, and rig it to close once something goes inside. 4 out of 5 times you'll catch a wandering vegetarian, but that fifth time is almost always a bunny.

  20. That is one evil rabbit. I think maybe your best bet would be to try and catch it alive and you might even have to keep it. Or give it to someone else.

  21. It seems you've tried everything. But what about instead of cheese in the bear trap, you poison rabbit food (a.k.a. salad)?. And if anti-freeze kills rabbits like it does cats, you're in business. Rabbit killing business. Good luck!

  22. So you have a terrorist bunny that loves Norwegian speed metal? Huh. Nope. No suggestions. I can handle either or, but not both. You're on your own. Unless, have you tried trapping it? Like with a conibear trap, not an actual bear trap? That would be what I would do. And in your case you could bait it using a bunch of wires, since that it what it likes to eat. Good luck.

  23. Hee! "Could I have a little privacy please?"

    C'mon down to Virginia and i'll see if i can find a real Redneck for you. Like the one who worked at the Emergency Squad i did and unpon hearing another member had hit a deer, his only concern was "Why didn't you call me and i would have dressed it out".

    i love this blog and you guys that Norweigan crack my son listens to...

  24. Never even heard of them chewing the wires on cars before, that rabbit is surely out to get you.

    I know tie a carrot to a string, stick it behind the car. Tie the other end to the car and then put superglue on the carrot. Then the rabbit will get its lips stuck to the glue and step on the gas dragging it behind you. Or to be more humane just back up over it..haha

  25. I pissed myself a wee bit on this one guys. The terrorist rabbit, yeah you did it, I'm so very proud of you boys right now. And then the rabbit jamming to Norwegian speed metal. That little bastard will give Sid the Cussing Rabbit a run for his money. Never buy German, never ever buy German. Remember the Wars, both of them?

  26. Why don't you consult Monty Python, they have tons of experience with killer rabbits. I will have to let my niece know how much rabbits like Norwegian death metal.Fluffy could use some entertainment :)

  27. LOL! Thanks for the laugh.

    I have no advice for you. Hope the bunny loses interest and moves on.

  28. Solution 1) Gut the wires from the car.

    Solution 2) Use the wires from the car to create a bunny death trap. I am thinking something like a gun that swings down when a wire is tripped and fires multiple times.

    Solution 3) switch from Norwegian rock to dogs barking

    Solution 4) fill your car with coyotes.

    Solution 5) fill your car with Coyotes fans.

    Solution 6) fill your car with coyotes, coyotes fans, barking dog music, guns, and wires.

    Solution 7) drink more beer.

  29. Get a hungry dog. And I always knew you couldn't trust a rabbit.

  30. This post reminded me of a classic "Married...With Children" episode. I hope you've seen it, cause I can't find it anywhere on YouTube.

    Any fluffy little bunny that does that kind of damage AND rocks out to Norwegian speed metal is an unstoppable killing machine. You can't kill it, but you might be able to turn it loose on your enemies?

    Sara has some good ideas, though. Nice to hear a mention of Coyotes fans without a sarcastic Canadian punch line (ex. "if any existed')

    Working Dan's cameo was terrific. Maybe that'll shut--I mean *cheer* him up!

  31. I've always suspected that rabbits were evil. Now I have evidence to back it up.

  32. What is it with small animals and chewing on wires? I can't count how many headphones my cat has ruined. Anyway, hilarious storytelling as usual, BFTS.

  33. What I learned on "The Big Bang Theory" (doesn't EVERYbody use TV for education?):
    Rabbits are the only animals whose scrotums are in front of their penises (I would think it would go without saying that we're talking MALE rabbits).
    NOTE: I have not verified this on Google. But, I will. After all, the Internet never lies.
    However, IF true, I'm starting to reconsider the scientific validity of the saying, "Screw like rabbits."
    Because that would frikkin' hurt.

  34. What you need is THIS. I'm not kidding either.

  35. AM I the only one that doesn't see all the pictures? It's kinda confusing. Rabbit looks like this "blank".


    Wait I see. That's the problem.

  36. Rabbits eating your wires? Eat their intestines, I'd say.
    But on a serious note, make them your slaves and then trap them in a thingy that moves slowly. Move it over a lawn. You get money, rabbit get food.

  37. use the holy hand grenade! First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

  38. I spit water when the pic of rabbitbinladen came up. lol Must have been Monty Python rabbits. Run away!

  39. Once upon a time, we had a rabbit. Amazingly, when we'd let her run around on the floor, she always wanted to chew on the electrical cords. I've never found anything that says why other than that whole thing where their teeth never stop growing. In fact, my grandparents used to have problems with squirrels chewing through their METAL fuse box, presumably for the same reason.

    Try cilantro as bait. You can use a box with a stick tied to a string.
    Actually, I don't know how much those "humane" traps cost that trap them without killing them, but that would be my suggestion.

    On another note, I had a friend in college that destroyed a car by running over an alligator. The alligator was unhurt.

  40. I have a pet rabbit who is probably maybe possessed by demons almost for sure, so I might be able to help.
    That was a lie. I have no idea how to deal with her, all I know is that the spine of my uncle's signed Jasper Fforde book is decidedly nibbled.

    I do know that you can rent humane animal traps, though, which end up locking the pesky rabbits up in a cage and work better than poison.
    If you're feeling decidedly cruel that day you can find where they live, cover all of the exits with wire once they've gone to bed, and let them starve to death. (pleasepleaseplease don't.)
    Good luck!

  41. One of the perils of not being able to blog-comment from work... too many people beat me to the Holy Grail reference.

    (Obviously, "Convictus" is actually Brother Maynard.)

  42. Buy a cat. Problem averted. My cats couldn't catch a mouse with a broken leg, but they don't come around because they think the cats may be worth something. LOL.

  43. I don't understand. I like bunnies and when they see me they run away. You want them to go away and they're like we're moving in fucker!

    My small petite female friend shoots them with a bbg gun. I think its cruel, but what can do you.

    How about parking in the garage while its still cool out and the poor things are just looking for some warmth? Maybe they're not trying to be bunny bitches. Maybe they're just trying to keep the family warm.

    Poor bunnies.

  44. Call Carl Spackler. Have him bring the plastic explosives and some weed.

  45. This comment has been removed by the author.

  46. Did you check with Glenn Close? I think that she had a tip or two.

  47. Um, sounds like you and the sweet little bugger need to sit down and have a nice heart to heart. It's all just a misunderstanding really. I'm sure you can reason to a compromise. ;)

  48. This works for deer, so it might work for rabbits, too (there's some sort of logic there, you just have to take a trip down the rabbit hole to see it): Irish Spring Bar Soap. Just put a few bars of it underneath your car and hopefully they'll stay away from it. Come to think of it, Irish Spring repels women, too, so it should work doubly if your bunny is a girl :)

  49. Yeah, leave some carrots in a spot that isn't the car. ;)

  50. What you need, is a garage or a cage. Problem solved.

  51. I'll come out there and take the bunny out in one shot. Just get somebody decent with a gun. Or get one of those raccoon traps and put some of your scrap wires in it. The fox idea isn't bad. All in all that is just shitty. Maybe spray your car wiring with the opposite of carrot tasting stuff.

    As for your car being violated by a coyote...I think that mountain lion scent will scare them off...that might start a whole new set of issues though. Good luck with that!

  52. Referencing Elmer Fudd was certainly wise

  53. Lol, just totally cheered me up…oh man, I just got rick rolled…in media class. WHY?

    I haven't really got any advice for the rabbit thing… maybe pick it up and sneak it into your neighbours house or garden whilst they're out? Or send it to an animal sanctuary or something.

  54. Good lord, scrolling cramp again.
    Somebody has already quoted Monty Python so I will go on a completely different tangent and just say you are lucky it isnt a wombat. (eats roots shoots and leaves)

    hit one of those with your car and you will take the diff out...

  55. Rabbits and squirrels are just rats with good PR. The pepper idea or something equally nasty-tasting might help, though.

  56. Awwww! why cant all terrorists be that cute??

  57. lol what...thats why i stick to my reliable jeep, just run the bastards over

  58. I used to rehabilitate wildlife here in Nebraska and I can tell you that rabbits are the stupidest motherfuckers alive EVER. I have no idea why they'd be chewing your wires though; there's no intrinsic nutritional value and they aren't troublemakers like raccoons. Since this seems to be a new problem (it sounds like this hasn't happened before), what changed prior to the rabbits deciding on their unorthodox snack? Also, how are they getting to the wires? If the wires are only under the hood, it might not be rabbits since they don't climb. (Cats do though. And cats are basically the manifestation of evil.) If the wires are hanging out the bottom of the car, they might smell like some noms the rabbits want. Can you cover them up somehow? Is parking in a garage an option, or getting a dog? I'm not personally against the gun idea since I kind of hate rabbits--I was a great rehabilitator, obvs-- but I do find carcasses super gross and hateful to clean up.

  59. Have you tried wearing a rabbit fur coat.... with one patch on it without any fur.... then putting a sign on that hairless patch (thats right I said hairless patch) that says "this spot is reserved for you rabbit!"... Could scare em just enough?

  60. Since a lot of people are asking/mentioning certain things, I'll say this:

    1) I'm 100% certain rabbits are doing this. I've watched them hop under the car. Many of them. They leave tracks in the snow and they hang out under there like it's their home. Also, we don't have stray cats around here, or even squirrels. Just rabbits.
    2) I have dogs. 4 of them. But sending them outside and letting them roam the land eating rabbits doesn't sound like a particularly good idea to me. Partly because my dogs would never come back (they only go running with me, on tightly held leashes - they don't understand going outside, killing rabbits, and coming back in) and partly because they don't need rabies at this point in their lives. I had a friend whose dogs got some kind of sickness/disease from eating rabbits. No thanks.
    3) We have a garage, which we park my wife's car in. Trust me, if this was as simple as "pull into the garage," I wouldn't be spraying my undercarriage with liquid animal sex.
    4) The reason this is happening now and not before is because the rabbit population is exploding and no one is doing anything about it. As I sit here typing this, I can look out the window and count 8 rabbits playing in someone's front yard. 8. It's like a fucking Disney cartoon out there.

    Maybe I'll just hire a rabbit mercenary. Any takers?

  61. Hmmm... I'm going to say this is a problem I haven't encountered, ever. But good luck. Hang some rabbits feet from the car and hope they can recognize their own.

  62. Eat the yummy fluffy thing! Really, it'll send a message to it's little friends.....

  63. Someone else had it right.....but use "no bite puppy spray." That stuff is so bitter it will damn near render you blind...but it won't hurt the little guy.

    Or if worse comes to worse, ask around to see if you can get your hands on a humane trap, trap it, and release it far from your house.

    Just don't hurt it. Thats not cool.


  64. We had a little bastard mouse which made a meal of our cable wires. Things can get ugly if I am not able to watch my shows! My husband took care of him by enticing it with cheese sitting on a mouse trap. *Snap* No more wire problems until it's relatives came to the funeral, stayed and chewed on our cable wires.

  65. Man I hate rabbits so much! I planted a lot of small bushes in my front yard and they ate all the leaves off of them until they all died. I hate them so much!

  66. Sorry the little bastards are eating your car! I saw that someone already suggested antifreeze. I can also suggest hanging little "lucky" rabbit feet all over as a warning to them, but that probably won't work! 8-(
    If you can't beat them, EAT THEM! I hear they are tasty, of course keep away from any that may have rabies. Perhaps you should look in to getting a pet a hawk!

  67. My dad has always been a fan of just shooting things with a shotgun. When I really think about that though it's probably not the best plan when you aren't living in rural Wyoming. I guess I don't really have any good advice for you, sorry.

  68. The picture(s) of the rockin' out rabbit = disturbing + hysterical.

    Pet coyote? Pet bobcat? I'm at a loss for what you can do. Is there a way to put something on the underside of your car that keeps them out, that you would then remove each time you get in? Annoying, yes, but if it keeps them out...

    We've got bunnies around here, but they are rapidly eaten up by the local predators, followed by disappearing pet cats and dogs. Do you have predators around? Is there something one can put out that draws predators?

    No idea, but good luck!

  69. Ok, that was seriously funny! Hope you find a solution to the rabbits, I don't have a clue... Maybe get yourself a garage? ;-p

    I love how you and workingdan have this thing going back and forth - it's extremely entertaining to watch you guys flirt!

  70. I HATE rabbits. And I agree that they are extremely stupid. We own a pit bull and a stupid rabbit made a nest in our yard and had babies. Hubby was concerned and wanted to try to save the babies from the dog. I didn't want them to suffer, but i don't want more rabbits! The bastards attack my veggie garden. Not only that, our neighbors think they are cute, and feed them! Why don't the rabbits stay at the neighbor's house?! I would shoot them, but there's some strange law about firing a 12ga and other toys in town.
    I follow WorkingDan's blog, and read your blog sometimes. You guys are hilarious! I think the first one i saw was the one about the hawk, which was interesting and funny as well!

  71. Bunnies are so adorable XD

    Sorry, I know I'm not helping. Why don't you try setting pet cat/dogs on it? To scare it away?

    At least the bunny only chewed on some wires. I have a friend whose car had to be fixed professionally, because a cat had somehow managed to crawl into the underside of the car and got sucked into the engine when he turned it on :O I feel more sorry for the cat

  72. they taste like chicken...

    you need a dog! if a redneck is not totin' a gun - they have a dog for things like sweet little fuzzy cuddly bunnies that like to destroy all things.

    ;-D robelyn

  73. have you tried Yellow and Pink Peeps? as easy as it sounds wildlife in the car is zero fun. Yes, I am considering a spider wildlife...and it was zero fun.

    Good luck!

  74. Try sprinkling holy water on it

  75. Oh no, you didn't just try to kill my cousins! :werebunnyangry:

  76. Ok, joking aside, catch the bunnies and send them to me. I'll give them a good home. ;)

  77. OMG, so loving the suicide bunny! Is that wrong?

  78. Metal-loving rabbit is the funniest, cutest thing ever! If you kill him you will burn!

  79. This. Will. Fuck. You. Up. I apologize in advance.