Thursday, January 12, 2012

An Open Letter to Lady Chicago

Just as a forewarning, this is not a cartoon-heavy post. It's been kind of a shit week.



Dear Lady Chicago,

We’ve had a hell of a run, haven’t we? Countless beers have been poured. An endless sea of plaid-draped hipsters has been navigated (and dutifully scorned). And many a skin layer has been lost to that brutal bastard that is winter frostbite. Concerts, museums, and ale festivals: we’ve waltzed through them all with swagger and good cheer. And I don’t regret a minute of it.
The memories we’ve made will be with me always. And not just because of the blackmail-worthy photographic evidence and police records. No, the shenanigans we’ve pulled together are fit for a much better audience than a courthouse judge. In actuality, they’ll probably turn up in a novel, in one form or another. But my lawyer would like me to remind you that any apparent similarities between you and any characters in the story are purely coincidental. Yes, even the thing with the midgets and the paintball gun…aaand the thing with the ice cream truck and the stick of dynamite (although I do want to wish little Timmy’s family another round of apologies for the “bomb pop” mix-up).
It’s hard to believe that time has gone by so quickly here in the Windy City. It seems like just yesterday that I crammed every square inch of a PT Cruiser full of the shit I couldn’t pawn and hauled my ass across country. Egads, I shudder to recall braving the corncob wasteland of the Mid-West just to get here in one piece. I thought for sure we’d break down and be forced to spend the rest of our days as farmhands in Bumfuk, Nebraska. Or get mangled and sacrificed by a psychotic town of murderous adolescents, like in The Children of the Corn. Again…Bumfuk, Nebraska. (Sorry for the cheap shots, Nebraska readers. But, let’s face it. Stephen King wasn’t too far off base, amirite?).
But we made it. Even if that poor little motor did nearly explode, we arrived at the junk food Mecca in one piece. And it was glorious. I’ve never eaten so much delicious, sauce-drenched meat in my life as I have in the past year (keep any gay jokes to yourself, wiseass). Pizza, Italian beef, and hotdogs. If it wasn’t for my rockstar metabolism, I’d have grown three extra chins by now. And cankles.
And between work, school, and trying not to freeze to death in the winter, even a couple novel manuscripts managed to get written during our time together. Publishing deals have been won and lost. Hack agents, hack editors, and hack writers have all been met, hired, and subsequently kicked to the curb. There have been plenty of good times. Too many to even hint at here. And as long as I still have enough functioning brain cells to get the job done, I’ll always carry the memories with me.
But, much like Mel Gibson’s career, all good things must come to an end. I’m sorry things couldn’t have worked out differently. Compatibility between PC and Mac and all that…
But the world still turns. Life goes on, Lady Chicago. We found the fork in the road, and whatever each of us may find at the end of our respective tines, I hope it’s tasty. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Love,
Brandon

Breaking up sucks.

Album: Warren Zevon's The Envoy
Beer: Peroni






84 comments:

  1. Aww, I hope Lady Chicago is handling it okay. I love how you threw the label "mexican divorce" on this...

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  2. (keep any gay jokes to yourself, wiseass)........Dammit, where are you going? Mexico?

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  3. haha Damn my wise ass wanted to say something too. Remind me never to marry a mexican, they seem evil..LOL

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  4. poor Chicago.... what will she possibly do without you? You were her only saving grace! Now she's left with teams like the Blackhawks who just abuse and disappoint her time and time again.

    They can't hold a candle to your awesomeness!

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  5. Wait ... does this mean that Brandon no longer has a life-long dream of having a girlfriend? Are you moving back to Colorado? Or is it this Bumfuk place that you mention? If it is indeed Bumfuck, please promise me that you will have a certain Lady Gaga song streaming the entire drive towards a certain state.

    Also, for some reason when I picture this new town I think of Fresno ... but maybe that's just me.

    - Ash

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  8. I can't decide on an appropraite response...

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  9. Well, since you said to keep gay jokes to myself, I will keep a lid on it this time!

    I thought for a minute there at the end that this was the end of the great blogging duo! I would have been so heart broken!

    It seems I was mistaken. Just parting with Chicago....I can live with that!

    So where you moving to? Tell me, that way I can stalk and harass you properly!

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  10. You're moving? (I asumme your anthropomorphising the city)

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  11. Hey, I found Chicago's response:
    "Dear Brandon,
    It has been fun hasn't it? Though I'm sorry to see you go, I am the home of the Cubs, Rob Blagojevich, and Jim Belushi, so I'm used to disappointment.
    Go forth, be successful, it will only happen if you leave me. Chi-town sad. Well, like my denizens, I'll drown my sorrows in cheap beer and emotional over-eating.
    Sincerely...OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LEAVE! I ONLY HAVE OPRAH LEFT AND I THINK SHE'S MORE INTO GAIL THAN ME!"

    The rest of the letter is obscured by tears.

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  12. Ashley, congrats on being the first to hit the subtext. Yes, this is about a literal break-up.

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  13. I think Pickle hit that nail right on the head Brandon. Without you, Chi-town will just be another cheap whore looking for a famous writer to grace the polluted waters of her shores. Now when you threw the dart at the board, which State did it land on? I hope it's not West Virginia.

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  14. And there goes my dreams of drinking beers with you in Chicago when my job inevitably sends me there again, or I get trapped in O'hare for the 800th time. Hopefully you will land in the loving embrace of another excellent city, and not in some bumfuck town

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  15. I hope Chicago can get over this, I really do.

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  16. You'd better phone ahead to whatever city you're moving to and warn them. Oh, just kidding! We all know it's Bumfuk, Nebraska.

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  17. I'm going to warn you, Chicago has some decent lawyers.
    You might be paying some alimony there.

    Unless this is a cloaked allegory about Bill Daley's resignation as White House Chief of Staff.
    in which case I say, Lady Daley had a good run, now it's time for someone else.

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  18. Guess I haven't been following you long enough to follow this post. Confused here in Mexico with my Mexican fiance.

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  19. I know this has nothing to do with the post, but... I... LOVE the ad for your book in the corner! :D

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  20. I'm not sure I know what's going on here, but I like it.

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  21. (Again the killer toothbrush shows up.) Maybe it is bye bye to Chicago, but you can always say hello to the southwest.

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  22. Um, my husband is from Nebraska. So I just have to let you know that....

    you nailed it.

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  23. As much as breaking up sucks at least you were man enough to face Lady Chicago and tell her to her face. Good luck with wherever you move into next. As much as you spoke belittling of Bumfuk, NE I think she's made a bit of an impression on you. So don't count her out of the game yet.

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  24. This reminds me of a letter I wrote a few years ago:

    "Dear Asshole Ohio,

    Much like Mel Gibson’s career, all good things must come to an end and so must this thing we have. And also like Mel Gibson's ending career, it was filled with booze and bad movies--I don't care what you say "The Book of Eli" made me want to drive a fucking bus full of nuns off of a cliff--and both my eyes and my liver have had enough.

    But the world still turns. We found the fork in the road, and if I ever see you again I will stab you in the eye with it.

    Kat"

    Yours somehow seems...nicer.

    In all seriousness though, I'm sorry about the breakup, boss. Keep kicking ass like you do. *if you were a girl I'd hug you but since you're a manfolk-type, I'll give you a manly punch in the arm*

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  25. Break ups are hard - sorry to hear it didn't work out between you & Lady Chicago... but there's more Lady Chicago where that came from. Unless of course, you're moving; then there's bound to be some Lady Detroit action on your horizon. Chin up, buttercup!

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  26. You know where I am...

    and the review should be up in a few hours.

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  27. So let me get this straight. You posted a tiny comment which I think a lot of people have missed. "this is about a literal breakup" So you've broken up with a girl in Chicago and are therefore moving away?

    Or does this have nothing to do with the city and has more to do with the musical? You were dating a female inmate with a golden voice? I am so confused.

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  28. Sadness! Breakups suck! I cannot wait for the day that I get to break up with Fargo. I'm sort of leading Fargo on for awhile...you know, using her to get an education and get drunk at the bars (I guess I just became a lesbian...huh....weird....). But I know that it isn't going anywhere. I'm going to dump her flat ass someday (literally, FLAT.....if you want "wasteland" come to Fargo after Bumfuck, NE).

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  29. So are you moving to Bumfuk, Nebraska? Or back to Colorado?

    Aaah, moving is such a pain though. I turn into a serial killer every time I have to get too much packing done.

    And I'm glad the homoerotic relationship between you and Bryan is still going strong XD Ok, I'm sorry, I know you said no gay jokes, but it was too tempting.

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  30. Breaking up sucks. Sorry to hear about you and Chicago. At least you've always got Bryan and beer.

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  31. The closest I've ever been to Chicago is frozen Chicago Town pizza. But my spidey senses tell me it's probably not even made in the city of paintball gun midgets.

    Nice to see the sharpened toothbrush making its return.

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  32. I'm with Not the Hero... Literal breakup?

    If you are in fact moving I hope it's somplace warm. There's not enough stow-a-way room for me and winter coats.

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  33. But...I thought you lived in Denver.

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  34. To many words not enough pictures. Does not compute. Must go drink tequila until I understand.

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  35. Your wife, she scares me almost as much as Chicago does.

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  36. Well, always better to be the one that dumps than getting dumped...eh eh eh? No one wears a poop hat well...maybe Ozzy?! (i am legally high on painkillers)

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  37. so lady chicago is the city, right...or your tapping something on the side? wat? :)

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  38. Lady Chi can be a cruel mistress... if you're leaving, find someplace warm.

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  39. That's why I want a Mexican girl.

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  40. I'm glad I've gotten everyone all confused. In a sordid way, that makes me sort of happy. Just to clarify, 1) Yes, this post is about a literal breakup/the end of my engagement. 2) This post doubles as a subsequent goodbye to Chicago as my home. And 3) Yes, Bryan's wife has a toothbrush with which she threatens to shank him daily.

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  41. And 4) My 2 Pesos, you are a fucking turd-gobbler.

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  42. I picked up on the subcontext,too...I just wasn't awake at 4:36am...

    I'm sorry for your break-up. They are never pleasant, even if without dramatics.

    Where are you going now?
    I'd assume Denver, but GEEZ...I've been both places...are you a glutton for cold, snowy punishment? Are you aware there are parts of the country that seldom, if ever see 32 degrees?

    That's why I live here! :)

    Anyway! I'm out of useful insight.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, you dark, cartooned man.

    :)
    Jen

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  43. Well that's a real bummer. Sorry dude.

    Jay

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  44. I'm sorry about your breakup of both engagement and city. I would offer you a place to hang out until you found somewhere to live, but I don't even want to live here and you probably already have something lined up anyway.

    Just remember that I almost offered you a place to stay! Yeah. Good luck, hon. Seriously.

    P.S. Geez I am the typo queen today, so yeah I deleted and reposted this, typo free...hopefully :)

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  45. Whew! At least it wasn't Iowa.
    DISCLAIMER: My apologies to my one follower from Iowa who may, in fact, be one of your followers as well (in fact, after I write this, I'll go check). I've never seen Iowa so my cheap-shot derision may not be fair. I've seen Chicago, though. That place rocks.

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  46. Double whew! I checked. She's not one of your followers.
    So, I can make Iowa jokes with impunity.

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  47. So, the confusion is settled. It's both of what I imagined.. which means this was pretty well written. I mean, considering all that's going on. I'm impressed.

    Since you've already got enough people being sorry, I'll just wish you good luck. But you'll be alright, man.

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  48. Safe travels, Brandon.

    The City of Big Bellies...I mean, Shoulders will miss you.

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  49. i didn't see the shiv comming!!!

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  50. Oh Brandon I am so sorry to hear this. If I could step into a portal and appear in Chi-Town to give you a big hug, I would. I sincerely hope things go over a lot smoother for you than they have been for me (a year later I'm still a big fucking crying mess) and you are able to find your footing again soon. :werebunnyhug:

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  51. Best of luck on your new adventures. Chicago will mourn you.

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  52. Dude. Lake effect snow. The end. You'll be fine.

    ps: Lake effect wind. No more. You'll be awesome.

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  53. This post brings a tear to my eye. It reminds me of the time Barrack Obama called Kanye West a Jackass. That was emotional (sob)

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  54. Aw, sorry to hear Brandon. Next week will be better. On to things of new. And, at least she didn't gut you with a toothbrush?

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  55. After a full day to let it sink in, I thought I detected a hint of more than just leaving Chicago in this post.

    After seeing your comments, my suspicions were confirmed.

    I'm sorry to hear this man. Break ups are never easy. And although I don't know a damn thing about you or the relationship you had, I will say this...there is an upside to everything!

    My wife and I have been together for nearly 10 years and just a couple weeks ago, it nearly ended. Of course you may know this with all the sobbing bullshit I've been posting lately. I know that pain and it's not easy.

    Just know that if there is anything I could do, any advice I can give, you know where to find me.

    And yes, my 2 pesos is a fucking turd gobbler!

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  56. And where are you moving to? Sorry it has been a shit week...hate weeks like that. I had a morning like that.

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  57. I clearly didn't get it the first time around. I also thought Animal Farm was just about pigs.

    I'm sorry about your break up :(

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  58. Chicago just lost a great man. Your gf just lost a great companion too. Shit happens but life goes on.

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  59. sad times...but good choice in break up beer and brilliant use of the word 'Egads' not seen/heard that since the 80's...safe journey

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  60. :( Well, I'm horrible at giving advice and/or comforting people, but I'm sorry. The majority of life really sucks ass. Give yourself some time; you'll move on and be better. Best of luck, and don't do anything too reckless!

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  61. Sorry to hear about the breakup, but you'll pull through...you could move over here to Bumfuck Colorado. It's way more picturesque than Bumfuck Nebraska!

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  62. this letter, this letter made me cry. Candles and candies for sweet chicago. "Precious" ladies are sure going to miss you. And hobos and that black gay bar who mistook for blackhawk team are going to miss you a lot.
    Chicago would never be same without you.
    I guess mexican divorce is better than Indian divorce, she doesnt need to burn(Sati) with the husband's corpse alright?

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  63. Chicago is a whore. Make sure you get tested after you leave.

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  64. Well fuckety fuck! I am so sorry, I posted my comment before seeing yours about breaking up. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

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  65. And fuck all of the bloggers who wrote wise-ass comments when they knew you were breaking up.

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  66. I do love Chicago...sorry to hear about the breakup...good news is, it's cold...some other girl is probably sitting around thinking that she can't wait to find a sarcastic, artistic guy with a knack for jokes and a rockstar metabolism to cuddle with this winter! Hang in
    -Bre

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  67. Sorry to here that, Brandon. Breaking up sucks.

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  68. Send that brutal bastard Winter Frostbite my way, would ya? I know how to deal with him.

    Damn, she'll shed a tear for you, I know she will. And you for her. But do you know that Lady Chicago delivers deep dish pizzas? Yep, got one in my freezer.

    Good luck with, well, wherever it is your headed. God bless 'em over there. ;)

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  69. That bloody sucks, I hope you'll still keep drawing those hilarious comics though, they make me smile all the time.

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  70. Sorry to hear about the breakup! Hope everything works out for you.

    ...does she know how to actually turn the toothbrush into a shank? 'Cause not many of us know how to do that. ;)

    xo!

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  71. Brandon, I'm sincerely sorry to hear that things didn't work out. Remember that Beau Joe's pizza will always be there for you. I know it's not the same as Chicago 'zza but it has much meaty cheesy love for you just the same.

    Godspeed to you, good sir.

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  72. I'm concerned with why she is holding a toothbrush...Do you have hygiene issues?

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  73. That was rather good I'm not good with cartoons myself. I also do a comedy blog it contains amusing rants and also a inside look into the world of a starting out stand up comedian.

    http://alcoholicwelshman.blogspot.com/

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  74. So it's good I came here today..Two thing mi amigos, help spread the word on my quest for NOLAbound..a free FB like is all I need to keep ahead of the pack.
    Two, I get there I'll take your words with me..deal???

    here is my link.. help a writer out.. we gotta keep this writing gig alive & fresh!!
    http://www.benolabound.com/applicants/lynne-hayes

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  75. I'm sorry about the break up. :( Maybe there is some magical way to just skip right over the midwest? Sleep drive like Clark Griswold? I hope you find much more positive wherever it takes you.

    And, yes, I am familiar with Pikes Peak Writers. I'm a member, and I've been to writer's nights at Poor Richard's. Have you been or just know some of the folks that have? I don't make it every month.

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  76. Another brokenhearted man. I know it sucks but I'm pretty sure you can cope up fast.

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  77. Best of luck to you, Brandon. I've been there. Surround yourself with good friends, they'll help you through.

    And it seems like I'm your only Nebraska reader... I couldn't find Bumfuk on the map, so it must be really far out there, probably on the South Dakota border. I've driven by Goehner, NE a few times though, and don't pretend that you don't giggle too because it sounds like "gonad".

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  78. I wonder where is next? MIA for a couple weeks and so much stuff going on!

    Btw, the Mexican and death ending was hilarious.

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  79. Maybe you can still have Chicago come over occasionally... you know for a city threesome? I call that cities with benefits?

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  80. Well that was long.... Following

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  81. Sorry about your breakups. I meant to comment sooner, but like I've mentioned I AM ON MEXICAN TIME.

    It sucks to leave such a great city; but I could not deal with the snow. That is why I returned to Texas after a few short months in the area. How about TEXAS for a future home? We get snow some times if you still want it, but be ready to sweat your ass off!

    As for you broken engagement? Sorry! Again, come to Texas! The female/male ratio is said to be better than up there. 8-)

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  82. I don't mean to be sarcastic but you're sad you're leaving a place where the record wind chill was 93 degrees below zero?

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