Monday, January 23, 2012

My Wife is ADHD Hitler

        So last week my wife turned into Hitler. I know what you're thinking, and no, this isn't me griping about how terrible she is and announcing our divorce. No, she'll probably divorce me AFTER reading this, but as of right now, things are good.
        It all started honestly enough, with a new meal. Now as some of you may or may not know, I fancy myself a pretty good cook. Well, last week I made some shrimp stuffed manicotti and used a new sauce that we'd always wanted to try. Apparently, my wife is allergic to this sauce.
        It gave her a huge rash above her lip, in the exact shape of a Hitler mustache.
        Don't believe me? Well, she was nice enough to let me capture it.





        Oh yes, it was funny. And oh yes, did I give her shit for it. But during those 3 days of constant comedy gold, I found her changing, mentally. Like, as if she was actually channeling Hitler himself. First, she started exhibiting racist tendencies.


          No, wait, that's not racist. I don't know a single white person that understands Tyler Perry's humor. Or Mexican person, in my wife's case.
          However... she also started waving to people a lot, which seemed to send off the wrong message to her coworkers.









         (Side note: if you're going to smuggle out office food, never put donuts in your pants. That brown stain that will imminently soak through the back of your shorts will definitely send the wrong message)

          But perhaps worst of all, it was rubbing off on me. I found MYSELF getting Hitler-ish tendencies.
          Like, my wife has ADHD, which is already like talking to a broken iPod on shuffle...

This is pretty much every conversation I've ever had with my wife, to a T.
           ...And with her short attention span, she kept leaving her shoes all over the place for me to trip over...




           ...Leading me to a very angry proclamation... which may have been taken out of context.


          But my wife didn't care. No, her ADHD was in full swing by now.



           It's like she couldn't concentrate at all. So I tried to find a camp where she could learn about concentrating. But apparently they don't have one of those around here, which is really sad... because sometimes I really just want to send my wife to a concentration camp.
           Her ADHD just makes me so angry, I could crawl up into an oven and die.



         Another side note: to all the vegetarians that won't eat meat because of how the animals suffer, don't forget that potatoes are people too. You know that whistling they make in the oven when they get really hot? That's just how they scream. Think about that next time you bite into one, savage.


           So what's the point of this post, you may ask, aside from some tasteless Hitler jokes? Well, let me tell you, the point was that I had to give my wife shit for having a rash shaped like a Hitler mustache. And you know what? I can't grow mustaches, which is so lame. It's probably just bad genes. Great, I already have a hole in my jeans. These things are practically brand new. Man, Brand New is a great band. I love The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. I know, let's go bungee jumping!

-Bryan

           (Also, worry not, now that the stache is gone, the wife is back to her nice, sweet, normal self)


101 comments:

  1. Hahaha those poor potatoes!! That's why I use the microwave - its quicker so they suffer less.

    Glad to hear your wife is less hitlerish as of late. A sharpened toothbrush doesn't seem nearly as bad in comparison...

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  2. This could be your funniest series yet! I love a good hitler joke. Comedy gold is what this is.

    But your poor wife will kill you for this, Bryan. Be careful!

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  3. Ahaha, does your wife read this blog? I wonder if she will cut you up for writing all this about her :)

    Well glad to know that Lady Hitler has stopped being channeled in your home, and I hope your weird jutting bone has been fixed after falling down the stairs (that drawing of you makes you look a bit like that retarded goat, Peggy Sue)

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  4. I think you just about covered every Hitler joke...wait, how could you work in "human lampshade" or "invading Poland"? Were you afraid to take a shower during this rash ordeal? And how does your wife feel about having the catch phrase, "I will cut you"? When I saw it, it was like waiting the entire show for Urkel to say "Did I do that" but 263% less annoying.

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  5. Glad the Nazi wife is back to her usual self, arming herself with a toothbrush!

    Would it be morbid to say that I like the hissing sound a potato makes when it's cooking?

    I don't eat donuts if they don't come from a bakery. Store bought donuts are just wrong....soo very wrong!

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  6. I'm hoping she will cut you so you can post pictures of that too.

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  7. It has been so nice knowing you and I'm glad you decided to go out with style!

    Well played my friend! Well played!

    (PS. I actually have a friend who can hear a tomato screaming when you bite into it. Countless hours of fun chasing her with it and biting them in front of her.)

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  8. HAHA. i love your crazy rambling at the end. And thanks for making me crave donuts and cake!!

    - Juliet x

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  9. Are you sure she has ADHD, touch the cake ...I dare you!

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  10. Not gonna lie, Titler sounds like a party. And having grownup next to my grandparent's German friend, I know how easily those tasteless Hitler jokes can rub off on you.

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  11. Back to her toothbrush shanking ways?

    Probably best not to touch the cake...

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  12. I don't know, your wife sounds like a reasonable person to me. Her attention span seems normal to me, but concentration camp could be a solution, however; i've heard people concentrated there so much they combusted...oh wait Germans shouldn't do these jokes...i am going to hell

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  13. I want a Titler shit. But I do worry about trying to explain who Titler is. Plus if you actually have to sleep with your wife I don't think I can get one.

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  14. Hmmm... This post makes me want to invade Poland.

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  15. Funny post! If your wife wasn't Hitler before... she might be after reading this! What a neat little moustache she had too!

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  16. Funny as usual. First time hearing about sauce moustache. I once ate king prawns and blew up head to toe,took three days, my hubby didn't go all Nazi about that. Right on about potatoes. All vegetarians should stick to rubber chickens in fast food restaurants shouldn't harm any livingbeing.

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  17. a camp where I can go to concentrate? Sign me up! I could really use the training to concent...
    hey look a puppy!

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  18. When I saw the picture I had to re-read the title and confirm it said ADHD not STD..i was like why would he do that to his wife?!

    hilarity.

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  19. Dude, you must have to sleep on the couch for the rest of your life after this post.

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  20. Best post ever. Your wife must be a great sport haha.

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  21. Hope your wife is feeling better and doesn't murder you in your sleep because of this post! Cheers to trying new things.

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  22. For those concerned about my personal safety, the wife actually reads all of my posts before they're posted, so I'm alive and well. We wouldn't be married if she didn't have the same fucked up sense of humor I do.

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  23. This post was funny on top of funny! I've never laughed harder at one of your posts!

    I have all sorts of comments to say but being as shes your wife all I'll say is: Your quite the lucky guy!

    Hi Lester!

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  24. Is it wrong of me to say I'm cracking up over you falling down the stairs? And I can't wait until the next time I bake potatoes and tell the kids to listen to them screaming. :-)

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  25. This is absolute comedic gold. I get a bit Hitlerish when driving or walking in Times Square. The part about concentration camps... too funny. I would hope she shares your sense of humor otherwise it just wouldn't work. Btw, shrimp filled manicotti sounds delicious!

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  26. I have had several "exterminate the ..." moments in my time as a married man with kids. I dumped a couple hundred dollars worth of legos in the trash once after stepping on a pile, falling over and hitting my head on another pile. Screw you kids, no more legos.

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  27. Are you single yet? Haha, great post.

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  28. This is one of my favorite posts of yours! I must have a Titler t-shirt and a toothbrush that I can shank someone with.

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  29. Christ, you made me wet my pants with this one. You went places most comedians won't dare to go and you pulled it off. I want a Titler T now, and I wanna watch a movie, oh and have a hamburger, and have you seen the new Audi that came out, my mother-in-law hates jews, my daughter just cut her hair and do you wanna go parasailing?

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  30. After all that I would advise not to touch that cake!! This was funny and I'm glad I happened by...

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  31. I seriously cracked up at the potatoes. Did you ever read that Roald Dahl short story, "The Sound Machine?" I think you'd like it. I love trying to make vegetarians read that, almost as much as I love telling vegetarians exactly how cheese is made. :D

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  32. My boyfriend will be very pleased to hear he's not the only one who has to put up with ADHD conversations and shoes everywhere. I'll start moving his stuff into the oven :D

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  33. Please, don't exterminate me. LOL

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  34. Salads are only for murders

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov5Jgw_Nwx4

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  35. I'll be honest. I'm scared of your wife. I'm going to hide under my desk. Thanks a lot!

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  36. Was wondering where you were going with the ADHD thing.

    Concentration camps. Nice one :)

    I totally baked a potato last night and now I feel like a murderer

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  37. I would periodically use the sauce over, just to continue making titler jokes.

    Wife lady, if you read this, I'm not encouraging or anything. It's all him if it happens. All him.

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  38. "Titler".... wow. I shouldn't laugh, but I did. Oh boy, did I ever.

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  39. The strange mustache aside, I have to say your wife has a beautiful smile. I myself am scared of any woman with a mustache, beautiful smile or not. Bad experiences, I suppose.... as in when she wants to use my razor.

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  40. I couldn't close my mouth while I read the post, which attracted my neighbor, who is a big fan of blow-up dolls. He is particularly fond of Fatty Patty Inflatable, and Lindsay Blowhand. The point is, this is why I don't eat meat. This is why I date only white folk. They can't grow a 'stache, even in rash form.

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  41. I think this has been my favorite post of yours ever. I needed a good laugh today. Thank you. And thanks (in a way) to wife-Hitler. Although I feel bad that happened to her.

    Does that even out the insensitive wife-Hitler comment?

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  42. she doesn't know about your blog, does she? :)

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  43. There's nothing funnier than a Hitler Stache. It's wayyyyyy funnier than the cop/porn stache.

    Jay

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  44. I was waiting for you to introduce us to maybe an insect expert..... maybe named DR Swass? And maybe Dr. Swass was giving a slide show on different kinds of ticks.... and how tick A looked different than tick B..... and then someone in the crowd asks.. "Excuse me Dr..... Swass-tick-A
    But then I realized that would be so so reaching!!!

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  45. I'm Jewish and have ADHD. I think I need my very own concentration camp.

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  46. she has a toothbrush and isn't afraid to use it! lol great stuff

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  47. I hope her rash is gone. lol Hi Lester.

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  48. I think I'd take the ADHD to my wife having to have me say everything 4 times before she's heard it. Or that she tells me things inside her head and expects me to know them. Because, you know, she -thought- about telling me.

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  49. I think you two are an even match if I had to guess! I think her Hitler mustache was cute but I'm sure it didn't feel that way!

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  50. This was so funny. I'm soooo glad I'm not your wife, I'd probably stick you in that oven after reading this post.

    I'm going to have my boyfriend read this one. He was born and raised in Germany and lives there now. He'll get a kick out of it.

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  51. Titler, awesome. Next up I'll cut you. Favorite line ever, True story a walmart employee mopping the floor threatened to cut me once. This is why I don't go to walmart

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  52. When I smuggle donuts, I smuggle those glazed log crullers. Then, I shove them down the front of my pants.

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  53. There is a lot of awesome going on in this post

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  54. Nice segue from Hitler mustaches to ADHD.

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  55. I almost burst a blood vessel laughing at the picture of you at the bottom of the stair! The funniest image since the goat with the orthopeadic shoe.

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  56. Dude, holy shit I'm laughing over here so fucking hard...

    So many Hitler jokes, I can't even hit ya back with a good one. Instead, I tip my hat to you fine sir.

    Plus, I was all set and ready to start dissin' the MOMENT I saw duckface and instead we get a cute, Hilterstached smile?

    Awww shit, way to defuse the bomb, bro. Now I'm stuck here with five pounds of nitro glolcyerine and a ton of C4...

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  57. Vegetables so have feelings!! One of my fav pastimes is to go into vegeterian forums and tell them that they should eat meat and save the vegetables. At least with meat it is dead when you eat it, whereas with the majority of vegetables, you eat them while they are still alive!!! Would you like to have your skin peeled off when you were still alive?? I think not!!! Poor potato!!!

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  58. Such a sweet man to laugh at her allergic reaction to your cooking. Only a guy would laugh at a painful reaction he caused. I have to admit if it produces hilarious posts like this I'm all for it. I can't believe all the Hitler jokes you got in there! Color me impressed. What color is impressed? hmmm....

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  59. I am back, reading this for the second time. Guess what? It got even funnier!

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  60. I got to the part about ADHD, then someone facebooked me so I got distracted. After 20 minutes of youtubing I remembered I was halfway through blogpost. Got to the end and remembered that I'm suppposed to be writing an essay, I really should get myself checked for this :/

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  61. I got to the shirt where it says I motorboated titler and lost it :P Great post!

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  62. Speaking of Hitler staches, have you seen Jordan's new look? Who else could get away with it?

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  63. A Beer for the Shower: Now Banned in Germany!

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  64. It will be interesting to see if you still have fingers to type with after your wife reads this post.

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  65. I wouldn't be able to take Hitler seriously if he had big jugs.

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  66. OMG I can't believe she let you take a picture! And I'm a vegetarian who also happens to be partly Irish, meaning it's in my DNA to know that potatoes are born forfeiting their right to live.

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  67. If you continue to espouse this 'Exterminate all the shoes' nonsense, I'm going to have to pull a Mengele and make a lamp out of your skin. NOT COOL. We do not exterminate shoes.

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  68. Please don't laugh, but I have no clue what 'motorboated' means and, to be honest, I'm almost afraid to find out. OK, go ahead, you can laugh. I'm sure the fact that I don't know what that means is a lot funnier than the Nazi comment I made by accident while sitting next to a German guy. I just hope his English wasn't that great or that he didn't really hear me. :/

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  69. I have now been left with a vision of French Fries being ushered into an oven – told to strip for the shower and to leave all their jewellery outside*.....


    * Not sure what type of jewellery Potatoes would have ....probably Onion rings and Bok Choy bracelets....

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  70. Potatoes aren't cute like other vegetables so I don't care if they die.

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  71. That cartoon with broken bone was mean....I got all scared :(

    And, I have noticed potatoes making the sound, and am vegetarian. :D

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  72. Titler or "normal". Either way you lose, great comics as usual. xD

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  73. all hail titler. haha i could say something about that rash but im far to hung over to be mean

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  74. Gave me a great guffaw with the "Sopapilla' reference!

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  75. You need to market those Titler shirts, I'm pretty sure my husband would buy one!

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  76. This is why Hitler was okay - without him, posts of pure genius like this wouldn't exist.

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  77. This post started out so normal. And then it went all ABFTS...; )

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  78. it's not nice to just go all willy-nilly calling people hitler.

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  79. Hey nice post Bryan. I need to go to the post office to mail off thank you cards. Did I ever thank Oliver for lending me £10? When I went home for Christmas I definitely gained ten pounds. Christmas break was when Steph and I won that blog contest. I've never been kayaking before. I wonder what it would be like to go kayaking. Have you seen Avatar? I've never seen Avatar. I was going to wait till I finished the book but then I realized there's no book version of Avatar. (<-- if you guess what that last one is from we'll be best friends)

    - Ash

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  80. THIS is the most brilliant post!! I love your site :-)

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  81. Did you purposely give her the mustache for this some hilarious material? Constant comedy gold just as you said.

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  82. Oh, Bryan, that pic with you and an open fracture...made me hurt so for you!

    Hee, you guys are golden!


    "Titler"

    And a camp where one can concentrate...oh dear. That and screaming fries...i <3 potatoes...now i feel bad!

    xoxo, tracy

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  83. I think this is my favorite post by you guys yet simply because of how politically incorrect it is.

    I also need to steal that picture. It's been a while since I've had an image of Byran on the floor in a blog post.

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  84. Wow, now that was and interesting and fun post. Most have taken some time to come up with all the puns on hitler...

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  85. Huh, that sounds like my husband and I. Well, I don't have a Hitler stache, but I do have ADHD. And he trips over things. Not my shoes, but one notable item was a Bissell carpet cleaner. I've just become accustomed to thunka thunka whump thump sounds from other rooms in the house. It makes me giggle, and then I think about Bissells, and then I realize I need to vacuum, which reminds me of Hoovers, which reminds me of that girl in home room who was rumored...what were we talking about?

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  86. Just randomly found your blog and have to say I've been reading it for about an hour now.Good Stuff! Also you are lucky to have a wife that doesn't kill you in your sleep when you post these things.

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  87. haha omg the pictures ,they are toooo funny :p this is great

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  88. I am certain the manicotti was to die for; but seriously? Offing her with manicotti? I had NO idea Hitler was a woman and wore a cross on her armband. Hispanic, as well! That is just f*cking awesome!!

    My husband blames it on the hormones and I call him a liar. Incidentally? I have been bungee jumping. No net. True story.

    I may never be heard from again and need to post anonymously; or at least attempt to... because I screwed up on my own blog which is linked to yours and now small children will be reading yours most likely because I am incompetent and social networking is not sociable. DAMN IT!!

    Sweet, I know. But I never claimed to be a genius. And now I can't adjust the Reader that mysteriously appeared like some apparition. Sweet Martha Stewart; I am DOOMED!!

    I'm truly happy you're wife is OK. That really must have hurt.

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  89. ADHD, concentration camp; damn, i should've figured that out before i got to the para.

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  90. I think that the immediate friends and family of bloggers are automatically nominated for sainthood for putting up with our need to capture and exploit their pain for our posts.

    If--and when I say "if" I mean "when"--your wife shivs you, Bryan, you pretty much have it coming.

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  91. hahaha, the camp bit. Hilarious, yet so wrong. Titler. Seriously, you guys have got to be a riot to hang out with!!

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  92. Thank you for posting this. It’s exactly what I was looking for!

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  93. Coming from an ADD vegetarian, I just want to state that this was hilarious. Potatoes are my bacon, I cannot stop eating them even if they are screaming at me. For that, I will be a proud, happy, potato eating savage. Especially with cheese. Mmm cheese. Can't go vegan cause imitation cheese is like eating a sponge. Also I've never had beer, but I find your strategies for drinking it in the shower pretty brilliant, I'm thinking I'll use it for the coke I drink far too often to be healthy.

    - Lexa Be

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  94. I've got ADD and I eat potatoes in any shape form and fashion and I'll have to say I spit water all over my keyboard when I got to the screaming potatoes. I have never heard that before. Hilarious post. Can't say anything that hasn't already been said. the comments are almost as funny as the post. LMAO...

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  95. Good post and Smart Blog
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