It all started honestly enough, with a new meal. Now as some of you may or may not know, I fancy myself a pretty good cook. Well, last week I made some shrimp stuffed manicotti and used a new sauce that we'd always wanted to try. Apparently, my wife is allergic to this sauce.
It gave her a huge rash above her lip, in the exact shape of a Hitler mustache.
Don't believe me? Well, she was nice enough to let me capture it.
Oh yes, it was funny. And oh yes, did I give her shit for it. But during those 3 days of constant comedy gold, I found her changing, mentally. Like, as if she was actually channeling Hitler himself. First, she started exhibiting racist tendencies.
No, wait, that's not racist. I don't know a single white person that understands Tyler Perry's humor. Or Mexican person, in my wife's case.
However... she also started waving to people a lot, which seemed to send off the wrong message to her coworkers.
(Side note: if you're going to smuggle out office food, never put donuts in your pants. That brown stain that will imminently soak through the back of your shorts will definitely send the wrong message)
But perhaps worst of all, it was rubbing off on me. I found MYSELF getting Hitler-ish tendencies.
Like, my wife has ADHD, which is already like talking to a broken iPod on shuffle...
|This is pretty much every conversation I've ever had with my wife, to a T.|
...And with her short attention span, she kept leaving her shoes all over the place for me to trip over...
...Leading me to a very angry proclamation... which may have been taken out of context.
But my wife didn't care. No, her ADHD was in full swing by now.
It's like she couldn't concentrate at all. So I tried to find a camp where she could learn about concentrating. But apparently they don't have one of those around here, which is really sad... because sometimes I really just want to send my wife to a concentration camp.
Her ADHD just makes me so angry, I could crawl up into an oven and die.
Another side note: to all the vegetarians that won't eat meat because of how the animals suffer, don't forget that potatoes are people too. You know that whistling they make in the oven when they get really hot? That's just how they scream. Think about that next time you bite into one, savage.
So what's the point of this post, you may ask, aside from some tasteless Hitler jokes? Well, let me tell you, the point was that I had to give my wife shit for having a rash shaped like a Hitler mustache. And you know what? I can't grow mustaches, which is so lame. It's probably just bad genes. Great, I already have a hole in my jeans. These things are practically brand new. Man, Brand New is a great band. I love The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. I know, let's go bungee jumping!
(Also, worry not, now that the stache is gone, the wife is back to her nice, sweet, normal self)