Thursday, January 19, 2012

Inspiration Constipation

Hi everyone. Today I’ll be sharing something special with you. It’s the bedtime limerick my dear old Granny used to recite to me as she tucked me into bed. Come to think of it, it’s not really a kid-friendly story, but hey, what can you do? Granny drank a lot of cheap wine.
So, here goes…

There once was a man from Nantucket,
With a chimp and a cork and a bucket.

The chimp, as a pet, was rather obscene,
It gathered its crap, to throw at everyone seen.

The townsfolk grew weary, all painted in muck,
And demanded change, these victims ‘o bung luck.

And so with a trip to the local Walgreens,
The man solved his woes, while still spending lean.

With the pail as a hat, the ape’s vision was struck,
As for the cork, don’t ask the chimp where it’s stuck.

There you have it, folks: the morally rich story that kept me pondering the secrets of the universe at the age of six. Like I said, it’s short and sweet. Well, it was usually short. Sometimes Granny would get a little too much vino in her belly and would expand the tale to include “borrowed” segments from real-life family squabbles as well as other, more legitimate bedtime fairy tales. And let me tell you, you’ve never heard a proper retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk unless it featured my lecherous Uncle Earl as the star.
Anyway, it’s been a busy week here in Chicagoland. My formerly betrothed and I are working our asses off trying to find a new renter for the apartment, and it’s been comically painful meeting some of these people. Like the woman who gets paid strictly in cash, has no credit history, and owns a “hairless cat.” I hate to cast judgment, but I’m pretty sure she was metaphorically telling me that she was a hooker. Or maybe it was literal and I just don’t speak proper hoor. I guess rampant dumbfuckery is to be expected when your main listing resource is Craigslist, but alas, there aren’t many other options in our situation. All I need to find is someone who isn’t going to open up a brothel in my old living space. I need my security deposit back eventually. And to any prospective buyers, that means the wayward love stains and random VD need to be kept to a preferred minimum. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
In other, much BETTER news, Bryan and I were interviewed by Andrew Leon over at Strangepegs last week, and in my utter foolishness, I forgot to paste the link this morning! Please swing by and have a laugh with us here:  Interview Out of the Shower
He also rated and reviewed our book, at length, right here: The Missing Link

Cheers,

Brandon

Beer: Goose Island Green Line
Music: The Gaslight Anthem



70 comments:

  1. I love cheap wine. Therefore, I love your gram gram as well.

    Too bad I don't live in Chicago, bc I'm gonna need a new apartment soon. I'm not a hooker, so no johns coming in and out...just an old man Boyfriend that will make strangers uncomfortable.

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  2. No matter how cheap the wine is you can always mix it with coke! What? You don't do that? Well, you haven't lived.

    Good luck in your conquest of finding a somewhat suitable person.

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  3. "Hairless cat"; possibly the most polite euphemism I've ever heard. Unless she actually does have one of those bald cats which is a different bag of crazy altogether.

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  4. Cheap wine is the best wine. Of course this is only backed by the fact that the weirdest things happen when I drink it... which is often.

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  5. Aren't grannies just great? I can't imagine the plug-ins she added to her story!

    A hairless cat is a red flag for picking out the wrong people to rent to.

    Hope all goes well in finding the right kind of whore to brothelize your apartment!

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  6. Great Limerick (and I've been to Limerick), I can hardly live with myself so good luck to you and the search for a sane responsible person......

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  7. you may think she is a hooker and has a hairless kitty cat... Riiiiiight. lol.

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  8. Your granny is awesome. And subletting is a pain
    sorry to hear about streak of misfortunes. Hope life in sandiego turns better.

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  9. Is your granny Betty White? Because this is awesome.

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  10. "Thank god for stock cartoon panels". I love it!
    Hope you guys are able to find someone soon! You know.... someone who won't accidentally burn the house down when they hear sirens and need to get rid of the evidence.....

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  11. There's something about your posts that leave me with nothing to say... I enjoy them... I laugh... but... why can't I think of something clever to say??? :-( lol

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  12. Hey! I have no credit history and I'm not a hocker! (I'm a freelance cartoonist and a blogger!)

    Your lecherous Uncle Earl as the star? That sounds like quite the story! What does he do to the cow?

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  13. hahaha that was a great limerick, poor chimp and the cork.

    A hairless cat? yep has to be a hooker.

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  14. In my experience owners always find a way to screw you out of your security deposit so I would write it off and rent to the hoor.

    I'm 1/2 way through the book, very entertaining so far.

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  15. I think that woman was a hooker. I hope you can find someone who would be a good find, but I don't see it happening through Craigslist.

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  16. I bet people on Craigslist are equally skeptical of you. Not that they should be, but wheeling and dealing living places on a site where you can also meet up with "Looking for a Bottom" and "Sub Wanted" (not that I personally know this) is a bit sketchy. I found my apartment from a girl on Craigslist.....it ended up working out (as in I'm legally on the lease now) but she just wanted to hand me her (illegally copied) keys to the place ("My ex boyfriend might still have a set of keys, so you might want to ask about changing the locks" is what she told me) and not even notify the land lord.

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  17. Good luck with the Craigslist thing. I have heard too many horror stories of sales that went wrong although I have a couple of friends who have luck with it. Maybe you will too.

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  18. Did you ask to see her "hairless cat?" Did it have teeth?

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  19. I'm almost 90 percent sure that woman was a hooker. :-/

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  20. While the possibility of love stains everywhere is, um, revolting, the lady with a "hairless" cat would probably have no problems consistently paying you rent on time. Especially since she's more than likely in the oldest profession ever it's not like she's facing any layoffs. So there's that.

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  21. I have a friend who was once struck with chimp poo. Funny story. He totally deserved it.

    And a question, did you guys intend to not link to the interview or was that just a forgotten thing with all the "excitement"? Either way is fine, but, you know, if you meant to, I just thought I'd drop a reminder.

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  22. This has got to be a pain in the arse for you to have to deal with right now Brandon. When what you really need to do is move on and not be hampered by details like this. I know it's tradition to leave funny comments with you, but today I'm expressing my concern for your well being and wishing you Godspeed.

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  23. There's a much dirtier version of the old man from Nantucket.

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  24. Dirty grandma stories are awesome. I would imagine stock cartoon panels are more than slightly helpful

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  25. But...but... love stains are the best kind of stains!

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  26. im loving your granma. my kinda gal.

    kudos on the interview - i hope there are many more. you two deserve a good ride.

    muah

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  27. Nice monkey story. Good luck on the roommate hunt. Will go check out your interview.

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  28. I've sold a bit on CL before, you sure get some weirdos who come out of nowhere from there

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  29. Who needs warm-baked cookies when your Grandma can tell dirty limericks?
    Yours favored vino. Mine favored Piels Real Lager.
    Different libations, same result.
    Except I never got poetry.

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  30. next good post on your blog ;]

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  31. Ah ol' Granny gonad grinder, we all had one at least yours was poetically inclined. Good luck with the renter...or more like good luck with getting your deposit back. For a summer my college roommate sublet to a Vietnam vet. Yeah and this was in '03.

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  32. Y'know, some people just have the BEST luck when it comes to Craigslist.

    Every time I look there for anything (music stuff - I need a better microphone and my own amp, vidyuh gaems, movies, furniture, housing, computer shit, freebies) it costs an arm and a leg and eventually I'll go elsewhere to procure such items frugally.

    My closest and best bro, on the other hand...godfuckingdammit, he'll find a barely used 3 grand computer gaming rig for, like, 100 bucks.

    He's done this thrice since moving out here.

    Seriously, it's like he's got some weird magic thumb for Craigslist or something. And he has YET to deal with some cracked out weirdo in a dark alleyway when it comes to procuring ANY item bought there, whereas I have to make sure I'm strapped with both melee weaponry (good ol' brass knuckles and knives) as well as my .357 magnum just to meet some cracked out weird in a dark alleyway to buy a used copy of a Xanth novel.

    What's even worse is that it NEVER works for anyone else, just him. I don't blame him though, it's like with anything else in life - it's all about timing.

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  33. Traveling to new places and renting out old ones is quite a hassle, ain't that right?

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  34. Wait!!!! So your saying you CAN get std's from carpet? Man I better go apologize to my girlfriend for getting so upset... You see she gave me something but swore she got it from munching rug? I thought she was making that up... But I see now I was wrong? Who knew?

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  35. I'm not a fan of cheap wine. It's not as smooth flowing as the others.

    palatine apartments

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  36. It was probably a hooker....blacklight the shit out of the apartment when your lease is up!

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  37. Why did I laugh so hard. I shouldn't have enjoyed this one so much.

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  38. When we were moving to South Carolina, I put my house in CT on the market but couldn't sell it with the economy. Time was running out so i threw an ad on Craigslist and found THEE best tenants ever. I checked everything out, called references, and they were honest and upfront about credit issues. It's been 4 years now! I've been blessed. Hope you get this lucky in renting out your new apartment. P.S. If a few 40+ year old lesbians ask to rent, consider it!

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  39. I like your Granny... she sounds a lot like my Granny. And not just because they have the same name. :) Good luck with the search!

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  40. That story clears up everything. :)

    Congratulations on the book.

    Now I'm heading on over to read the interview and review. Happy for you two.

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  41. My bet is on drug dealer, not hooker. Who knows, hairless cat could be a new trend and she was trying to sell you something.

    And remember craigslist is for creepy people and free couches.

    Good Luck!

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  42. Your grandma and my grandma sitting by the fire... sounds like they could have been the best of friends. Unfortunately, my nana is drinking vino with the good ole' inventor of wine: Mr. J.C., himself. But, man, could she throw down a limerick or two in her day.

    Best of luck finding a renter. I'm off to read the interview.

    TTFN

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  43. Love the word for the language that whores speak. Hoor. Gave me 5 laughs right there!

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  44. Yup. Keeping that little slice of anger to myself.

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  45. I'm guessing you're right about the hairless cat, since they are commonly found in Egypt (the real felines, I mean.)

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  46. Have never looked at Craigslist. Thinking it might be an interesting read from what I have seen around a bout.

    Hope the move goes as smoothly as mine...
    Oh yes.
    I have gone to the dark side

    My New Blog – “Lizard Happy”

    Hope you guys come visit some time

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  47. Your Granny sounds like a magical and lovely woman. Haha. There is nothing like a great moral story to rock you to sleep with. I'll be careful about the quantity of shit I fling as I'd like to avoid the cork.

    I have to tell you that I am enjoying the hell out of your book! The only problem if finding the time to read but it is awesome! I can't wait to finish and write my own review. Now...off to check those links.

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  48. lol that was the worst poem i have read all morning, good job. goose island green line sounds tasty.

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  49. I just remember there was always a lot of snickering in the audience whenever someone brought up that limerick about a so and so from Nantucket, on old reruns of Welcome Back Kotter. Now I know what all the hoopla was about.

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  50. Ahaha, your grandma sounds demented :D

    Maybe you can send adverts in local newspapers. Craigslist will always attract hookers to you, somehow.

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  51. How exactly does that poem help you sleep? Also, recycling frames, fuck yeah!

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  52. stock cartoon pannels are like the essay that I have been recycling for the last 3 English classes I have taken! So cool to just reword it, change some stuff, and then hand it in after about 15 mins of work.

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  53. Hey guys.

    You've been nominated for an award. Check it out. :)

    http://samantha-jillofalltrades.blogspot.com/2012/01/omg-guys-i-got-fucking-award.html

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  54. Maybe lecherous Uncle Earl needs a pad to crash in? I hear letting family get involved in your fiduciary responsibilities is always a good time! :D

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  55. I have so much more respect for you now that I know your bedtime story involved a primate with something lodged up his backside. Not that I didn't respect you before. It's just that I didn't ... ;) And good luck with the move little one. I know times must be tough but keep that heavily-sideburned head of yours up.

    - Ash

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  56. Interesting fact: Prostitution is illegal. But if you are a hooker, you're supposed to declare income so you can pay taxes.

    Good luck looking for a roommate, I'm in the same boat!

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  57. asking people to control their VDs is absoluely too much to ask. congrats to you both on the interview that I am about to venture into!

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  58. I got fantastic mr fox read to me and I was grateful. Hmmm. Feels like I missed out. Good luck in finding a new renter!

    And nice music choice, I love the '59 Sound and I thought American Slang was pretty good too. They are absolute machines when it comes to live performances, never seen a band with their stamina before.

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  59. A couple of years after I first moved here, I got an apt on my own and 3 months later something happened I had to move out. I was lucky that my landlords were not American (or greedy) and understood I had a family emergency and would have to move back to my country for a while. They asked me to find someone to take the place before I moved out, but in the end they found the new tenants themselves and gave back my deposit and everything.

    What have your landlord said about you moving out before your lease is up?

    Also, craigslist sucks! I've tried to sell some of my books, a brand new photo printer, my old car (among other things) and never ever got a serious email or call back. Unfuckingbelievable! :(

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  60. All my grandmother did was teach me how to make tortillas.
    Craigslist kicks ass!

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  61. Stay away from the hooker! Too much noise! I sometimes think my neighbor's girlfriend's a hooker, too, and that he's always gets a free ride. Yep, I hate them. Stay classy guys! It's too late for me.

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  62. Man diaper incident? Sounds like a story at the local senior's home gone wrong.

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  63. I blame a lack of legitimate job opportunities for your not being able to find a decent renter.

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  64. Hired assassins would pay in cash as well, and probably be eccentric enough to own hairless cats. ....just sayin'...

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  65. Did you make this entirely? really impressive!

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  66. Great Limerick... I love them and so you just went up a notch in my good graces. All the best finding someone. Craiglist is a crazy jungle. Tread carefully.

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  67. I reference Stephen King's "On Writing" many a-time when discussing the writing process. It's definitely the most honest and grounded book there is and I'll read it over still if I feel like I need a kick in the ass.

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