Inspiration Constipation

Hi everyone. Today I’ll be sharing something special with you. It’s the bedtime limerick my dear old Granny used to recite to me as she tucked me into bed. Come to think of it, it’s not really a kid-friendly story, but hey, what can you do? Granny drank a lot of cheap wine.

So, here goes…

There once was a man from Nantucket,

With a chimp and a cork and a bucket.

The chimp, as a pet, was rather obscene,

It gathered its crap, to throw at everyone seen.

The townsfolk grew weary, all painted in muck,

And demanded change, these victims ‘o bung luck.

And so with a trip to the local Walgreens,

The man solved his woes, while still spending lean.

With the pail as a hat, the ape’s vision was struck,

As for the cork, don’t ask the chimp where it’s stuck.

There you have it, folks: the morally rich story that kept me pondering the secrets of the universe at the age of six. Like I said, it’s short and sweet. Well, it was usually short. Sometimes Granny would get a little too much vino in her belly and would expand the tale to include “borrowed” segments from real-life family squabbles as well as other, more legitimate bedtime fairy tales. And let me tell you, you’ve never heard a proper retelling of Jack and the Beanstalk unless it featured my lecherous Uncle Earl as the star.

Anyway, it’s been a busy week here in Chicagoland. My formerly betrothed and I are working our asses off trying to find a new renter for the apartment, and it’s been comically painful meeting some of these people. Like the woman who gets paid strictly in cash, has no credit history, and owns a “hairless cat.” I hate to cast judgment, but I’m pretty sure she was metaphorically telling me that she was a hooker. Or maybe it was literal and I just don’t speak proper hoor. I guess rampant dumbfuckery is to be expected when your main listing resource is Craigslist, but alas, there aren’t many other options in our situation. All I need to find is someone who isn’t going to open up a brothel in my old living space. I need my security deposit back eventually. And to any prospective buyers, that means the wayward love stains and random VD need to be kept to a preferred minimum. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
In other, much BETTER news, Bryan and I were interviewed by Andrew Leon over at Strangepegs last week, and in my utter foolishness, I forgot to paste the link this morning! Please swing by and have a laugh with us here:  Interview Out of the Shower
He also rated and reviewed our book, at length, right here: The Missing Link

Cheers,

Brandon

Beer: Goose Island Green Line

Music: The Gaslight Anthem