Thursday, January 5, 2012

Home of the Pedophiles

We here at A Beer for the Shower get a lot of site traffic these days. And thanks to the privacy-humping magic of Google, we can see exactly what kind of weirdos are reading us, and how often. While most of our traffic numbers come from mildly disturbed social outcasts loyal and upstanding readers such as yourself, we get a shit ton of search engine referrals. Which is great for us...mostly. 


Now, if someone can enter something into a Google search and your blog comes up as the #1 result, you must be doing something right... right? Google has placed you at the top of the mountain. You are the king. But what if being king of the mountain wasn't so flattering?

See for yourself. Not only is this the #1 search result that brings us the most traffic, but it's literally THE #1 result on Google when you enter this particular search term.


Oh, but wait, there's also the, errr, ethnic version of this question. This is our #2 highest search term, which, however, will always rank #1 to us in terms of being most racist.

 


As our regular readers well know, Bryan and I are painfully innocent, and ignorant of the foul ways of this seedy, depraved world. So, what happens when we get contacted by the occasional pedophile?






 



Apparently, a hairy adult male is every bit as repulsive to a pedophile as a woman his own age, maturity, and legal availability. But still not as repulsive as a pederast is to the rest of the world.

And then there's the mistaken "fan" mail.












I like to call that little doozy a Ballsplosion.
So, to those of you who are here reading us simply because you enjoy reading us and NOT because you're looking for a hot 12 year old who wants to have a good time, thank you. And to those looking for said 12 year old, don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. Or if that wasn't clear enough, get the fuck out. I wouldn't want to have to use those mental powers of mine again.
And lastly, we’d like to thank those of you who bought our novel The Missing Link, and opted not to use it for digital toilet paper. We appreciate that. If you haven't, please be sure to leave a rating and quick review for it here at amazon.com. Ratings really help us out! Pedophiles don't. Knowing the difference could save your life. Or something.

Cheers and stay classy, friends!
-B&B

Beer: Shiner Bock
Music: Tedeschi Trucks Band
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83 comments:

  1. Oh my god! Is that a dick slapping that dude in the face? Whatever it was made me actually laugh out loud!

    Thanks for the much needed laugh! My day is now brighter already!

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  2. Mildly disturbed social outcasts covered me quite well......

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  3. Haha is it AWFUL you get that kind of search traffic! The biggest one i get is "how to be the best boyfriend." So... you're welcome, girlfriends.

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  4. You guys...right on the money. My #1 search referral is "65 year old nude women" because I posted about Helen Midden doing a nude scene @ age 65. This was over a yr ago & is still my top search word/phrase. Don't think I haven't thought to write more. Hahaha

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  5. Makes me happy just to be a mildly disturbed social outcast. I may steal your "mutual vomit explosion" panel for future use in a blog post though, if you don't mind. I have no idea what it will illustrate, but surely something will suggest itself eventually.

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  6. Aww man... Now I feel lame because my highest rating search is Colin Farrell.... probably just as disturbing and wrong as the 12 year old booty, but not nearly as funny.

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  7. I feel like Google needs a warning system built in that alerts people to the fact that they are about to make a really bad search engine decision. Something along the lines of "You are a moron. Go get some counseling. Are you sure you want us to search for that."

    Whatever brings in more traffic right?

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  8. I mean, I found you guys by searching for 12 year olds in booty shorts, after my initial sadness at not finding what I was seeking I stuck around for the entertainment.

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  9. Haven't read your posts for a while :( and love that this was the first i've read this year. I miss your funnies in my life! haha. Congrats on the book! I will get my fingers on a copy as soon as i can say bam! ...maybe not that fast but i will try! so so proud! haha. and eww...lots of crazies out there! why the F*^K! would people google such things. why!? sometimes i do not understand the world.

    anyway...happy new year to you both :) am looking forward being entertained by ABftS all through 2012!

    - Juliet x

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  10. kinda surprised that old guys balls werent dust already. lol.

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  11. I actually did not stop laughing at this. I wonder who actually searches google for things like this. Actually I hope you guys don't get in any trouble for it. I really would not want to be on the receiving end of a dicksplosion.

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  12. Wait ... you guys aren't twelve? ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS HAS ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING??

    Also, I'm going to change our blog name to "Why are black girls so damn difficult; Black girls are easy" to accumulate more search results. So don't be confused.

    - Ash

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  13. Search terms which landed people at Kat O' Nine Tales this week (aside from the Vicky's Secret explosion the other night) included "nicolas cage you dont say", "german mother fuked and boys" and "darth vader vibrator".

    I was offended. Misspelling "fucked" is reprehensible.

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  14. Your pal Brandon isn't your ghost writer but ghost? How many times you would feel happy about the reader who ended up in your blog say "I was disappointed"?
    search engine results doesn't give me followers, I am happy about that because my top search ranked ones are words that end with -cide. Filicide,sororicide,infanticide and all sort of homicides.

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  15. Sadly I have no Google searches. Clearly I need to post about more hysterically politically INcorrect subjects.

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  16. I love watching that guys shirt cange from free candy to put it in her diaper hole. I can't believe this wholsome family blog would be associated with anything crass. Jesus Christ, Lord Google is out to get you boys. My blog tends to pull up when someone is searching for tits. Oh yeah, but that one is good for business and they're never disappointed. That's called truth in advertising.

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  17. I am here reading your blog and getting my morning laugh, drinking my coffee and occasionally spitting it all over the monitor when you have written something insane. Thanks boys, I love your blog.

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  18. Well, fame has to come from somewhere. Look at what you get when you Google "Santorum" and that homophobe almost won the Iowa caucus. Maybe you should disguise one of your advertisers to cater to this group. Straight cash!

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  19. I enjoy reading you for your wit, just as I enjoy reading Playboy for its articles...

    And I have a slightly similar problem. My #3 search hit of all time is 'pedobear.'

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  20. Sweet Hanna Montana! I googled it to check and see if you were right and you are the number one result! Congradultations!

    And to make you feel better, your the top result when you type in A Beer for the Shower. Which might not seem like much, but if you type in Bersercules, they think you want beercules. So I don't get to be top result with my own unique name!

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  22. Bahaha! I hope some glorious day, someone finds my blog while googling something inappropriate.

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  23. what a greaaat post love your blog =) follow

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  24. First I just want to say that the picture behind you made me laugh to the point that my boss yelled at me from his office, asking what the hell is wrong with me....

    I'm actually kind of jealous at your google search results. The most exciting search that leads to my blog is "girl in electric chair." And somehow, "baby rabbits" seems to generate most of my non-follower traffic.

    xo

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  26. LOL you sure have some wholesome people finding your blog through google, or not. Scary what some people type, awesome jab at them though.

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  27. I just did a Google search for "Al Penwasser and Manure Spreader." Thankfully, no pedophilia came up. But, it is kinda revealing what did.

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  29. I love looking at my search terms but "all up in they butt" cracks me the hell up! I mean honestly! I cannot wait to start your ebook...with this cold keeping me in bed for my free time I should be able to enjoy it this weekend! :) Yay for illness.

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  30. God I hate everyone wtf is wrong with people. I wish there was a "punch you in the dick" button for every time a pervert does a horrible search. Boom. Punch you in the dick. That'll learn em.

    Sadly probably not.

    But I bought your book today! Woot!

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  31. I need to learn how to harness my mental powers to make creepos dicks explode all over the world! Now that would be something.

    For the record, I'm here for the poop jokes.

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  32. All the precious traffic. Surely this isn't a complaint. Even some of those perverts have a sense of humor, sometimes. What if they become fans and convert to adults while they're at it? It's called doing the society good!

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  33. That's one Google fact I'm not willing to try out

    I'm on enough government watch lists as it is

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  34. As a Texan, your beer choice today is primo. As a blues fan, Tedeschi Trucks Band...hells yeah!

    Geez I really hope that your mental explosion powers...na na na na...is like the Six Million Dollar Man sound when he jumps.

    Share the Shiner!

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  35. My blog used to be the prized place for Germans looking for a pic of Silver Convention. Nobody ever took up the challenge to explain me why they are still so popular.

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  36. Pedophiles with the power of the internet? OH HELL NO!

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  37. Fortunately for me the BlackLOG contains more than 140 characters and so does not attract anyone under the age of about 120 so I don’t get that many Paedophiles hanging about the front gates...I do however seem to attract more than my fair share of Geriatriophiles looking for some of that wrinkly action...

    P.S. I will be purchasing the Missing Link and posting a review as soon as I get home to the UK, for some reason I can’t seem to download it from Canada....

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  38. Good God! That's scary. And yeah, I am figuring out the e-book thingy in the next few days.

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  39. Huh. And I was just trying to figure out how my blog is getting hits from an aromatherapy site.... why don't pedophiles want to look at my shit?!

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  40. #1 out of 2.48 MILLION hits... Don't know if you should be congratulated or not... Either way, be concerned if Chris Hansen shows up at your door.

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  42. It never would have occurred to me to google that particular phrase.

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  43. Wait! I can go to the bathroom digitally? I had no idea!

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  44. From reading your book I have learnt that paperbacks by Stephanie Meyer are more desirable as toilet paper than any digital novel :)

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  45. And don't call me Shirley, Bitch! About died. Greatest corny line ever, and you just made it better. Google is a perv all on its own. Peeping on blog stalking and what not.

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  46. Good God! Though it isn't flattering, yet what the hell look at the positive side ;) You are #1 in google search!

    Worst happened to my blog, I wrote a sincere post on Aliaa Mahdy and posted her naked photograph too. All the hits are for her photograph only, thus I removed the photograph >:< It brought down the bounce rate of the website too.

    Shame! Google tickles men!!

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  47. There are some scary people on this planet, that's for sure. No, I'm not one of them, thank you. Unbelievable the things people want to find. Rest assured, that 12-year-old neighborchild of yours is likely to be an excellent deterrent. :)

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  48. oh snap! i simply MUST have one of those free candy shirts.

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  49. Now you've only increased your web traffic through that search! lol I had to check for myself. Always so entertaining, I'm on chapter 12 of the ebook as well, good read so far.

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  50. lol kinda creepy. dont doubt it though.

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  51. I am # 6 in the search for "tryptophan poisoning" the next is something like drugs and alcohol. I guess I need to get on writing more inappropriate blogs.

    Have fun fending off the pedophiles.

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  52. Well, the excerpt that shows up in the Google search is pretty clear that you you're against 12 year olds wearing booty shorts (hey that ought to up your key words and help keep you at the top of the list, ha) so maybe the people Googling for that are also against 12 year olds wearing booty shorts. Is it okay if I just think that?

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  53. I used to get a lot of hits from people searching for "Please step on the plastic."

    Which always creeped me out.

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  54. People apparently find me by searching for "Unfolded Underwear." I'm number one for that. I guess I did rant about it in one of my blogs, so I can't complain too much, but surely there are better searches to find my blog with?!??

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  55. Well, at least your number one somewhere... Isn't it fun when you see what odd searches lead people to your blogs?

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  56. THIS IS TRUE!!!!

    I just Googled "ballsplosion pedophile" and..... you were not only the #1 thing to come up but also the ONLY thing!!! So congrats on being on the top of that really perverted isolated Google mountain!

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  57. haah nice atleast your in google search!

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  58. It's nice to see you sicken the pervs. Ballsplosion is a genius word.

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  59. I'm hoping that "ballsplosion" becomes your new biggest Google search term. :)

    I haven't gotten any Google hits yet, but I get a decent amount of traffic from "domar.ru"... which I'm afraid to check out because I'm worried it's some sort of Russian super virus just waiting to infect my computer.

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  60. You guys thought your search hits were weird BEFORE you decided to post about it? =D

    @~Jazz, I'm getting domar.ru hits too. The best advice googling it gave me was just to ignore it and DON'T click on the link in your stats. It's spam, which works by getting people to view to their site this way. Annoying, but I think it's harmless except to your stats. =/

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  61. Just gave you guys one of my awards and mention over at my place :)

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  62. "BALLSPLOSIONS AND DIAPER HOLES" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh my God that was great!!! Hey guys I just want to let you know that you guys are this months "DMB" winner and I just sent you my questionnaire, so thank you guys for being awesome!!!

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  63. HAHAHAHHAHA This made me laugh a lot, I'm glad I've come across this blog.

    You can follow me at www.homecakesz.blogspot.com

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  64. After reading this post, I will be needing a beer. I am allergic to beer. Stop laughing. Still, I think I'll take my chances.

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  65. "all up they ass"

    It's so wrong, but I'm still laughing about it. I can only imagine the other combinations of words that would give this site hits.

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  66. I'm a bit puzzled by some of the search terms people have used to end up on my blog. And a couple of my more popular posts I would have never imagined they would provoke so much curiosity.


    Lee
    Blogging from A to Z

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  67. I never know
    A] if anyone reads my blobs OR
    B] how they got there.
    But I do know
    1) this was hysterical. Especially the testi flambe'
    2) I just started a new blob "Pet-O-Philes" completely not related to this post's subject matter...
    http://petpersonals.blogspot.com/

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  68. That was hysterical. Got a new follower in me.

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  69. lol thats some fucked up shit right there xD

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  70. There's nothing wrong with that search, it's just thinking outside the box.

    I'm going to search for 'glass jar anus fun time' and see what quality website I stumble upon.

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  71. mildly disturbed social outcast...great description.
    Is all traffic good traffic?
    In one way you're helping contribute to the fight by thwarting such search terms and giving them something decent and wholesome(ish) to read...

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  72. ahhh i know your game, you're trying to fool me into googling "12 year old in booty shorts" well not this time bryan and brandon

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  73. Oooh I think this entry will get you TWO top entries in a Google search now!

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  75. You appear to be insane. I like that. I'll stop by more often. :)

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  76. See, now, I'm disappointed that I have absolutely no dirty/weird search strings leading to my blog. I'm going to have to work on that...

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  77. The most frequently searched thing that leads to my blog is "party cat". :|

    Yours is much more interesting.

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  78. Your blog is just the right thing to read when sad, or when I need to roll on the floor laughing. AMAZING!!! Hats off!

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  79. And And and, the twilight article . "EPIC".

    http://www.worth-a-million.blogspot.com

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  80. wow apparently someone found me by searching...rock that legal high...hm

    but yes, that's quite disturbing search results, and this post might be high up on the search result list for pedos....

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  81. The strangest word search that lead someone to my site was "men who enjoy women shoving pointy heeled stilettos down their throat."

    Google algorithms are weird.

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  82. Yeah, yeah, I'm SUPER late to the party.

    I just gotta say....

    FIRST....your second screenshot...result #1 made me laugh so hard I about died. Shame on you :)

    Second...you wouldn't believe how much 'fan mail' I get comparing me to a teenaged girl, and the gross things that come along with it.

    Ugh.

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  83. Sadly, the number one search term for my blog is "crack cocaine diarrhea". Sigh.

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