Thursday, January 26, 2012

Dollar Menu Time Travel

       A while back our friend Mark over at The Rambling Person asked for suggestions for a short story to write, and being the jackasses we are, we came up with a premise so ridiculous that Mark dared us to write it instead. Not one to back down from a challenge, we accepted. Our suggestion:


And thus, we give you Dollar Menu Time Travel:

          
            There once was a nice young hippie fellow named Jeff. Aside from his occasional dalliance with mind-altering substances, Jeff was a fairly level-headed guy. He lived in Boulder, Colorado with his soul partner Delilah, and played his bongo drums for money as a professional street musician. Delilah would dance along too, interpreting with her boisterous gyrations his rhythmic hammering of the drums.
Jeff was actually a fairly terrible drummer.
But, then again, Delilah was deaf. So the show still always wound up being pretty entertaining.
One day, while Jeff pounded the skins on a sidewalk corner and Delilah did her best interpretation of a spastic epileptic, a passerby tossed a small package into the milk jug which was currently doubling as the ‘tip jar.’ Since there weren’t any bills in there to cushion the fall, it landed with a plop.
Jeff stopped playing and plucked the package out while his ladyfriend continued to wiggle around in her many flowery skirts.
“Hey, cool,” he proclaimed, tugging at her skirt. “Look at what the Universe just gave to us, Delilah. It’s a taco.”
No sooner had he peeled back the paper wrapper than was there a terrible shriek. The taco leaped to its feet (yes, feet!) and clutched the wrapper like a woman who’d just spotted a peeping tom in the window. “The nerve of you, sir! I’ll have you know, just because my meat is hanging out, this isn’t a free show.” The taco quickly folded the square of paper into a little pair of shorts.
Jeff furrowed his brow, stroked his scraggly beard. Had he not just smoked an entire half pound of skanky ditchweed, he probably would have wondered how it was possible that he’d just been chastised by a walking, talking taco. However, his lone current thought was much simpler.
“Lookit those tiny little pants! Look at that, Delilah. Have you ever seen pants so small?”
Delilah twirled and swirled onward.
The taco crossed its arms (yes, arms!) and scowled. “You were going to…to eat me, weren’t you? You monster. I’ve got a date tonight.” The taco rubbed its lettuce, considering the foolish hippie. “I know just what to do with you.” He snapped his crispy little fingers and all of a sudden the trio was sitting in the middle of a cobblestone road in 16th century London.
“Welcome to London, you ravenous jerk!” the taco said.
“Wow,” Jeff said, amazed. “London? I’ve never been to New England before.”
“No, you fool. This is London in the year of 1563. There is no New England, yet!”
Jeff stared at the taco blankly as a man in a top hat and coattails skirted them with a hankie over his mouth.
The taco’s tomatoes reddened. “We are in the past, you dimwit! As in, no fast food, no television, no automobiles.”
“Yes!” Jeff shouted, as he dodged a horse-drawn carriage. “A city with no ozone-killing cars! Man, New England is awesome.” He turned to step right in a pile of horseshit. He looked down at his foot, sniffed it, and grinned. “Hey, cool. There’s all sorts of fertilizer here too.”
Delilah continued to pirouette. She’d already long-since figured out that Jeff was no longer playing music, but didn’t really much care, as dancing was her life.
“No!” the taco screamed, now irate. “This is not New England! And you are not supposed to be enjoying it! This country is being ravaged by an outbreak of the plague, for God’s sake. And what are you doing? You’re sniffing shit, that’s what you’re doing.”
Jeff put down his moccasin and stared at the pissed off taco for a long moment. “Hey, Delilah. Check it out. A taco!”
“You, you unhand me you vile beast!” But the taco’s cries were muffled as its crunchy skull (yes, a taco skull!) was mashed up between Jeff’s teeth and swallowed.
“Mmm…that’s a mighty fine taco, baby.” He offered half of the remaining taco corpse to Delilah with a grin. “Here, have some.”
Delilah stopped moving for the first time that hour to inspect the snack. She leaned down to sniff at it and frowned at Jeff, waggling a finger. She pointed to the taco meat, which was green and rancid. Unfortunately, Jeff had been too high to realize that his time-traveling taco was unfit for human consumption. The meat, unbeknownst to Jeff, was also plague-ridden rat meat. Which was kind of a bummer, because Jeff’s stomach was starting to feel a little queasy.
He ran off to find something to barf in while Delilah shrugged, spun on her toes, and began to dance once again. This time, using a mix between Salsa and ghetto booty shaking, she used her rhythm to interpret what an utter fucking fool her now dying boyfriend was.
A gentleman with a cane strolled past and dropped a penny in the tip jar. And that man... was Leonardo da Vinci.

Cheers,

-Brandon (and Bryan)

Beer: Breckenridge Ballpark Brown
Music: Darrick Thompson






89 comments:

  1. *slow clap*

    I wasn't expecting a tragedy. Mahhhvelous!

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  2. Wasn't this the plot of "Midnight in Paris"? Can I also demand a graphic representation of the talking taco...wait a second...was it all a metaphor for vagina?
    Bravo sirs. Bravo.
    "And the Peabody award for fiction goes to...'Dollar Menu Time Travel'"

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  3. This is absolutely freaking hilarious. :D
    What were you ON when you came up with this idea?

    Andand...well played, Rambling Person.
    Heading o'er there right now. :D :D

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  4. I'm sorry it's only one word but...brilliant!

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  5. this was great!
    so did he already have a rancid taco before? Hm?Hm? I wonder are there still guys called leonardo da vinic?

    also where are the pictures?????

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  6. My words..... they are at a loss......

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  7. Been lurking for awhile, but this story (oh wow!) put a stop to that.

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  8. He smoked an entire half pound of weed? Good lord! And I thought I was a pot head!


    And if I didn't know any better, I'd say you had to be high to come up with a crazy story like this! What are you guys smoking in the mile "high" city?

    Side note...I'm never eating Taco bell again!

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  9. The only far-fetched thing about your story is that Jeff "ran off to find something to barf in." In 16th century London, he would have simply barfed right there in the street, along with all the horse shit.

    Otherwise, a triumph of verisimilitude!

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  10. Why stop at a story when this is obviously a great plot for a blockbuster Hollywood motion picture?

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  11. Bravo dear Chaps. Yes, Bravo.

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  12. Haha. Very good. Poor Jeff though.

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  13. Very nice. But damn you for making me read!

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  14. I don't think the talko got it only because he is in this country illegally and doesn't hablo ingles.
    That didnt sound too racist did it? lol.

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  15. You didn't finish the story! What about finding love, art blah blah blah... how can they do that if he's off puking plague-ridden rat meat in an alley way... No... now you need some other sort of magic to come in and save the day. I think he should be immune to the plague since he's so loaded with weed. And then he can share his secret, and everyone in London can start smoking weed, even the queen (or king if that's who it was back then)... and they can all stand together with their arms around each other singing "God save our gracious weed, God save our noble weed... Got save the weed"

    Does Mark went the dare since you didn't really stick to the full storyline? ;-)

    And by the way, great post! It was like reading a children's book. I love children's books lol Totally enjoyable... great joke at the end too, although, obviously very deep and hard to understand.

    Thanks!

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  16. Awesome plot and great historic fiction. World would have been lovely. So, he was tranported to past by Taco or by Jeff got high.
    I always hated tacos, now I would never the tacos same way again.
    Thanks to Mark for triggering this twisted brain of yours to spit this gold. Bravo!

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  17. This is why I suggested you guys do it. You could do a much better job of it, and you sure did. Thanks guys, that was awesome.

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  18. That...that was simply amazing. I am stunned with the awesomeness of this post. I would like a sequel with how deaf dancing Delilah fared in plague ridden England.

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  19. Thankfully I wasn't planning to eat today.

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  20. Cheered up a day in which a man was outwitted by a kettle and a woman was almost poisoned by same malevolent kitchen apliance.

    "Skanky ditchweed!" hahahah!

    "Plaguey rat-meat" Alway did supect tacos and doner kebabs.

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  21. I think I have seen that couple in Boulder. Then again all the stinky hippies in Boulder look the same to me. Short stories are really my favorite form and this was excellent.

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  22. haha a talko! get that man a beer.

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  23. I never knew tacos could be so moody. It's probably for the best he never made that date the state he was in!

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  24. LOL! Great story! Now follow up with a story about a banjo playing burrito. :)

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  25. oh my favorite fellas...how you've made a wake and bake so very worth it. bless your hearts.

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  26. Awesome story! Very silly! I loved how they where happy where they were to the shagrin of the taco!

    Plague-ridden rat meat? So it was like most tacos you can by from vendors?

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  27. I just hate it when I notice typos and can't do anything about them! You'll have to interpret my feedback ;-)

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  28. Splendid! I wonder if Delilah is the true inspiration for the Mona Lisa. She looks both deaf and like she can shake her booty. Hmmm....

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  29. This exceeded all expectations of an exemplary extemporization! Thanks to ABFTS for the creation and Mark for the opportunity of the divination of such an interesting short stroy.

    Talko! ha!

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  30. I'm with Jimmy Fungus. This could be a blockbuster.

    Also, I shared this. I don't see how people could NOT share this.

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  31. Funny shit I have read in a long time. I agree with the rest of the comments this has major motion picture written all over it.

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  32. Very impressive. The bitchy taco deserved to be eaten. Bravo!

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  33. Utterly brilliant. The way you gave the taco human characteristics was fantastic. "her tomatoes reddened" and her dancing. Why you two haven't been published is beyond me. Corporate publishing comapany's are eejits.

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  34. Absolutely amazing... it was simply meant to be, I don't think anyone else could have pulled it off like that. Also, the taco's expression in the last panel is priceless.

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  35. You had me at time travelling taco

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  36. I thought they would have wondered, "Hey, where's the frikkin' salsa? Stupid time-traveling taco didn't remind us to bring salsa??? Oh, sure, right. You think Leo has salsa?? Yeah, as IF that's going to happen. He's too damn busy designing shit which won't be invented for hundreds of years. That is, when he's not droppin' cannon balls off that effed-up tower in Pisa. Ketchup? We should use ketchup? Who the F puts ketchup on tacos?? The Dutch??? Besides, ketchup hasn't been invented yet, dumbass!! These idiots think tomatoes are poison!!! GD!!!! Where's a Mexican when you need one?? "

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  37. It was pretty terrible, just fyi

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  38. Great short, even better pun!

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  39. I like the girlfriend's dance moves. I want a time traveling taco, too. Maybe a time traveling talko...

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  40. I have composed a limerick about your time-traveling taco for posterity's sake:

    Once there was a taco named Paco
    Who lived with a stick up his bung hole
    Always angry he was
    For he ne'er had a buzz
    As such he ended up lunch in a deaf ho.

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  41. You seem to forget, dirty hippies are immune to most diseases. That is why they are so hard to exterminate.

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  42. Wow.

    Just simply, wow.

    Ranks up there with my story of two talking stop signs. :D

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  43. awesome and funny concept....

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  44. Apropos of nothing, but have you guys recently switched meds?

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  45. Where's my red pen?

    Godammit, where'd I put my freakin' red pen?!

    My editor sense wants to strangle you for not adding ANY kind of descriptors to the characters, except for vague suggestions that they might be wearing clothes. Also, that the taco is wearing a pair of shorts.

    On the other hand, I see why you two think you can write...y'all CAN! Some good shit here, bro, especially for a short one-time shot. In the very least, it was entertaining to read, y'knowwhatImean?

    ...the editor in me wants to piss in it, though. D: Metaphorically speakin', naturally. I mean I really don't want to piss ON it, that'd be stupid (but easy enough to do - just print it out, take a picture of me pissing on it), but you get m'point, right?

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  46. And the moral of the story is....Never dis a talking taco!

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  47. Very clever! And a 'talko'. Too funny.

    Oh, and by the way, I did download your book. Clever too. I am recommending it to anyone and everyone! :)

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  48. Very nice, guys. I was laughing almost all the way through...until my super nerd engaged. Many questions that need no answer, but curious. Why was da Vinci in London...in 1563? Was he a spectre? Did he also fall victim to the time traveling taco of torture and torrid affairs? And why can't I get along with my ex-wife?

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  49. This totally reminds me of all of the arguments and torment from family members because I am a vegetarian, even if your taco isn't. My dad and my husband ply me with lines such as, "Each time a vegetable is pulled from the soil, it screams. You just ate Frank." That said, you guys are fucking hilarious as always, and sick in the very best of ways.

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  50. Dancing is my life too

    *body rolls for tips*

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  51. Just to clarify, folks, I didn't even attempt to be historically correct here. I wrote this thing in 30 minutes, between packing for a cross country road trip and writing a eulogy. If you have any doubt or deep, burning questions about the believability of this story, rest assured that any logical inaccuracies are the fault of the rancid, time-traveling taco.

    And Bastard, the professional writer in me is telling you that if I added descriptors here, it would have been twice as long. And frankly, people are lazy enough when it comes to reading anything longer than a TXT MSG without pictures. If you need characters with actual detailed description, (and hey, don't we all?) go buy our book. The link is at the top.

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  52. Awesome story. I shall assume all things said are true, as I read it on the internet.

    I hate tacos, but I am definitely craving one right now...

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  53. Man, that was twisted. A talko, a deaf interpretive dancer, time travel, da vinci, plague and possibly death. Where did all that come from?

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  54. The Universe gives us many things, and today it gave me this post. As soon as I find my Tibetan singing bowls, and patchouli scented incense, I must give it thanks. Before then, I will enjoy a taco. Don't worry, it's soylent green.

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  55. Makes we want to sing like hennifer lopez and give taco flavored kisses.

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  56. Well, Mark can eat his heart out when it comes to being inspired writers. 'Since there weren’t any bills in there to cushion the fall, it landed with a plop.' Great line! No bills to cushion the fall... I know what that sounds like.

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  57. My planned comment was just fucked up as I suddenly remembered that a clam, not a taco, is a metaphor for a lady's nether regions.

    Fuck.


    (Brilliant job, you sick bastards.~)

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  58. I would award you an Oscar for best screenplay, if it were in my power to do so. Instead, I'll send you a taco wrapper sculpted into an award.

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  59. I smell a second novel in the making! Haha, man, so much to catch up on here. Can't wait!!

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  60. I couldn't think past the tastiness of the taco...

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  61. Im not sure why but this is reminding me of the classic "Magic Pudding" written by Norman Lindsey.
    That was all about bad tempered food with arms and legs too

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  62. So hungry now. I'm going to share this joke. Pretty sure people will laugh. And not in that we're-laughing-with-you kind of way.

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  63. Btw... since finishing the book, the pictures up top make much more sense now.

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  64. I will never look at tacos or New England the same way again. Time travel has also taken on a new meaning.

    If I cry when I eat tacos now, you'll know why. They have feelings. They aren't all vile and rancid. *sniffle*

    Actually, what will really happen is this:
    Husband: How about getting some tacos tonight?
    Me: Bahahahaha!
    Husband: What is so funny?
    Me: Tacos! Bahahaha!
    Husband: *staring silently at me*
    Me: Talko! Hahahaha! Get it?
    Husband: Umm. No.
    Me: *wiping tears from my face* Sure. Tacos sound good.
    Husband: *shaking head at me and sighing* Let's go, psycho.

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  65. LMAO, that's hilarious. Great post as usual.

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  66. "Talko" is genius! Loved the story. It's really hard to start and finish a plot in about a thousand words. My short stories resemble novellas.

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  67. Haha. Great Short. You should hurry with the second book... and third and...

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  68. Well played, sirs! I wasn't sure how you would fit that all in there, or how long the story would have to be in order to do it, but you did it and you did it in style! Talko, ole!

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  69. Very interesting... I really like it... Thank you so much...

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  70. Serves them right. Should have ate the taco on sight. Solved all their problems.

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  71. u guys r gifted.. :)
    way to go!

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  72. Ah, Medieval times. I always thought I would have loved to live then, with all the amazing gowns and poetry and and sword fights. That was until I watched a documentary about how they would go to the bathroom in buckets, then toss it out the window onto the streets. Yep, you were shit out of luck if you were the one walking by. Yikes!

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  73. But what about the taco's date? :(

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  74. "Talko" just made my day. The whole thing was awesome! Also, I had the perfect opportunity to make a "Titler" reference this weekend, and my friends couldn't say anything for quite a while because they were laughing so hard. Of course, I told them where to come if they want more :)

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  75. I really liked your story, but I don't know how to sell it. There just isn't a market for annoying time traveling tacos. Sorry, but I must pass. Send again when you write a love triangle between supernatural high schoolers.
    -Best

    Ha! It was brilliant though.

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  76. My ol' table dancing name was Skanky Ditchweed.

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  77. I think woody allen just did a movie on this theme. Midnight in Paris but it was not so far back. The transportation was not a taco but a rather antique automobile.

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  78. Funny stuff. I think I know Delilah...

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  79. I like that that you say {as|like} my friend thanks

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  80. This was shockingly very readable.... and come to think of it.....I enjoyed the taco character very much! But come on this is clearly just Bill and Teds Excellent Mexican Food Adventure!

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