Thursday, December 15, 2011

We Live in a Photoshopped World

        For those who have been asking (and for those who haven't--I guess it doesn't matter, does it?) our novel is coming out on Monday via E-book. And it may be of little surprise that I'm designing the cover, and I'm doing it in MSPaint. I fancy myself quite the MSPaint artist, in a world dominated by photoshop.


        I mean, let's face it, we live in a photoshopped world. It doesn't matter whether you're looking at a model on a billboard, or a celebrity in a magazine ad, or the centerfold skanks in Jugs Monthly, they all have one thing in common: having been molested by photoshop to give that plasticky Barbie-style flesh that we as a society have become completely obsessed with. I mean, *I* never dumped a girl because I could see creases in her arm or because she had pores, but maybe my standards are too low.
        Regardless, I can't help but ask--what's the big deal with photoshop? If you want true beauty, I think you can whip up something perfect with MSPaint.

         For example, Rosie O'Donnell. I don't think any of us here want to take her home sober, two drinks in, or even falling down drunk, but just think, with a few strokes of the MSPaint brush, you can go from wildebeest...


            to goddess...

Whoa, hey there sexy lady! Nice plump lips you've got there!
       Instant hottie! Finally, people can say something like "Rosie O'Donnell to be on the cover of Maxim Magazine" without erupting in laughter.

       Or how about Tyra Banks?


       Sure, she's (kind-of) pretty for a geriatric model (she's 38, which is 87 in model years), but she talks so damn much. Nothing that MSPaint can't handle!

       
          With two parts whore, one part shut-the-fuck-up, and a little wave of my MSPaint wand, we have ourselves a winner! (Also, as a man, I should point out that duct tape truly DOES fix everything)

            Next, what about Tyler Perry? I know what you're thinking, and you're right, nothing could make that man fuckable, even by blind womens' standards. However, with a little MSPaint magic, he can go from unfunny goober...


           to laugh-a-minute-funny man...


        Or maybe not. I'm not even sure if full clown makeup can make Tyler Perry funny. But hey, at least we tried.

        Lastly, don't forget the queen of photoshop herself, Lindsay Lohan. Recently her playboy photos were leaked, and she looked, well, decent, which we all know is pure photoshop bullshit, especially after this picture of her slipped through the tabloids last month.


        Yes, that's her meth mouth, and if you're wondering about her hand, that's a slew of burns that she got presumably while handling her crackpipe. Look it up.
         So Lindsay Lohan isn't going to just need a makeover, this bitch is going to need a complete overhaul. But never fear. It's nothing MSPaint can't handle...






         *drum roll please*







        Whoa, who's that classy dame? With a solid white top hat, a monocle, a red pair of cocktail gloves, a gold locket to cover her leather turkey waddle, and a set of pearly white veneers, this girl's back on her way to the top! Frankly, my MSPaint work is the best makeover $28 can buy, and with all those savings, Lindsay can go back to spending her money on meth and cheap crack pipes instead of PR! Everyone wins!
         So if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit by my phone, because now that I've posted this, I'm expecting Hollywood's biggest stars to contact me about sexifying their image. And if that doesn't work out, well, I guess I've still got blogging and writing to fall back on.
       
Stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Kirin
Music: The Likely Lads

PS I stopped by Andrew's blog at Strange Pegs today and told the full story of the agent that screwed me over. Go check it out if you want to cry angry tears!

67 comments:

  1. So Lindsay Lohan is related to Mr. Peanut? I knew there was more to this girl than we thought!

    After your touch of some fine paint skills, I would totally bone Rosie O'Donnel!

    Great job!

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  2. God I need your skills but Ray needs them more, do you do quotes?

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  3. Ah you virtuoso. Truly he who can classify the Lohan, elevating her to Mr. Peanut-like levels of class should be working for the top photography schools, teaching those dullards the modern chicanery possible with the simple tools of MSPaint. Seems we have lost our way in this technologically advanced world, forgetting that the simplest tools of our predecessors were often the best.

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  4. Lindsay Lohan posed for playboy? Oh god, what is the world coming to??

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  5. I wish I could art like you guys. My skills in mspaint are only just adequate enough to draw smileys on my loved ones therefore hiding thier identities. Seriously doubt I could sexify anyone.
    Hey did you notice I am not comment no 56 tonight? Yay

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  6. Hahaha lindsay lohan is definitely my favorite. She's so sophisticated now! Like a half cartoon jessica rabbit.

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  7. Hey! I like Rosie O and Tyler P! You meanies. ;)

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  8. I'mm glad that I'm not the only one that knows Tyler Perry is unfuckable and unfunny. I thought I was alone. And while your Lindsey Lohan was definitely an improvement, we all know there's still a fire crotch under there that no amount of MSPaint can fix.

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  9. Who IS that classy dame, indeed.

    MSPaint is the Botox, veneers and a boob job all in one.

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  10. Rosie's coming to get you, boy. And she's bringing a bat.

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  11. If only the photoshopped the Victoria's secret fashio show, it would have saved me a few weeks of an eating disorder and intense therapy.

    Jk. I'm working on a public relations/advertising degree. Photoshop is my best friend. Can't wait to read the book!

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  12. I just looked at my last comment and wanted to photoshop that! That's what happens when you blog from your phone at work! I'm not lindsey lohan, so I'm not too drugged up to spell.

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  13. Not too shabby my friend! Putting my photoshop skills to shame!

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  14. I now fear Tyra. Lindsay is looking good! Maybe now she'll get some roles and go the way of Robert Downey Jr. Probably not. He's at least attractive pre-MSPaint.

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  15. I honestly think that you made Lindsay Lohan look genuinely better after the MS Paint editing. You should have done her Playboy cover too. It's weird, they Photoshopped the hell out of her, but then her boobs look saggy somehow. Maybe even Photoshop can't fix many years of meth use.

    In answer to your comment on my blog: yeh, I've been missing blogging too much. I was gonna write a long post about why I was gone and how I spent the last 2 weeks listening to Korean pop music, but I thought it's best not to whine too much :)

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  16. Your photoshopping did Lindsay a favor. It's such a shame too. When she first burst on the scene she was actually attractive. Now look at her. A sad, crackhead mess.

    And I hate Rosie O'Donnell with the fire of 1,000 suns. Her and Ellen.

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  17. Dear A Beer for the Shower:

    I have huge bug eyes and no breasts at all.
    It is causing me endless problems.

    Can you MS PAINT me in REAL LIFE - as opposed to your talents being limited to the computer?

    I could really use a cartoon monocle and glove to distract people from my enormous forehead.

    Thank you in advance for your help,
    Katy

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  18. Photoshop is overrated; MSPaint is understated.

    MSP FTW!!!

    (... ^ oh god, look what the internet has done to me...)

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  19. You truely are a master at manipulation! I hope you can beautify all Hollywood in this manner!

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  20. well....now that i know Mr. Workingdan will be cheating on me with Rosie...

    who knew lindsay lohan could look so un-crack-whorish?

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  21. Lindsay just proves that you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. Britney Spears will be calling you soon. She could definitely use your services.

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  22. classy my friend, classy. I don't spring for the photoshop myself, but I do rock the Gimp which is the opensource clone (sort of) of photoshop. It's pretty solid, and has some good tools for free.

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  23. I should personally send a bouquet and cheque as thanks for Tyra's Photoshop. That bitch needs a hard low on head that shall mute her forever. Judgemental,I am better than anyone kinda attitude with 0 talent and 0 quality. Hate that bitch and her shitty mouth. Tyler Perry, if these two amobeas weren't black, I wonder where they shall be.

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  24. rosie o donell... is a scary looking broad. and yeah i noticed those two kittens way later too.

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  26. Had to stop reading and take a breather after Tyler Perry. There was't another option at that point.

    Also. F*** photoshop. Gimp is free and doesn't crash my netbook. I've made comics on that thing, good times. Good times.

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  27. So did she wear gloves in the Playboy shoot? Inquiring minds want to know!

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  28. My son just looked over my shoulder and said that Lohan looks like the Penguin from Batman. Not a bad observation! I'm thinking that I should send you my picture and see if you can make me Beautiful too!

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  29. The way you made over Lindsay was pure genius. She really needed that monocle, and those new veneers sure are sparkly!

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  30. Hey can you make me thinner and take away the laugh lines? Ah hell, just thinner is good. I like my laugh lines. Great post. You are pretty talented!

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  31. You are the Da Vinci's for the modern age, doing things with MSPaint that 20 years ago would have been considered witchcraft.

    Beautiful!

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  32. Now, I'm looking forward to the cover almost as much as I am to the book!

    And thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a post :)

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  33. I agree with you, and I know several others, myself included who like to work in the far superior MSPaint. It's like an art form that's long been forgotten.

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  34. Eeewww Did anyone hear about her open mouth kissing her mother at a bar! Burn her!

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  35. I'm just going along, laughing like I always do and then I get to the Tyler Perry bit and I think "Holy Christ I can't believe they did that" You haven't lost the knack for making me piss myself. Fabulous. I can't wait to read the book. Looking forward to Monday.

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  36. That is really good work. I think I'd buy your book for the cover alone, you are the master of your craft.

    PS The secret to any good cover really IS hidden phalli and Satanic images/messages.

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  37. What happened to Lindsay's face? Almost didn't recognize her.

    Your photoshop skills outclass mine. Looking forward to Monday!

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  38. Better than my Photoshop skills. :)

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  39. I wish I were better at MSPaint. However my PS skills just recently won me tickets to Radiohead and Red Hot Chili Peppers. So, I'm ok on this side of the fence. But I'll admit that when I come here the grass does look greener....

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  40. That picture of Lindsay would almost make me want to turn gay. Wait a minute, isn't Rosie gay? Now I'm all frikkin' confused. I'm just gonna go take a shower and pose for Mrs. Penwasser.

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  41. I have a love/hate relationship with photoshop.
    For work, I host a personal website. It is, to be quite honest...AMAZING!!!!

    My roommate and best friend GK is my potographer (and I do choose to share her wonderment with the world) and I'm not gonna lie. My site isn't photo shopped at all.

    She shot an escort the other day, who needed just a little light airbrushing (to hide tattoos and a scar so she couldn't be identified by her husband) but nothing major.

    The THIRD escort she shot recently wanted TONS of photoshoppery. Stretch marks out, cellulite gone, asked about figure re-touching...and it got me thinking...

    WHY!?!?! ESpecially in my arena.
    Say, for example, that Linday Lohan is a hooker (and I can use that term, I have a post about it!) and she advertised with her Playboy pictures.

    If I were expecting the bombshell in the photos to arrive at my door, and a meth-mouth makeupless mess who hadn't slept in 3 days showed up at my door, I would be PISSED!

    I had a poll on my facebook once about who invented photoshop...outdated magicians or fat chicks...

    Fat Chicks won.

    :)
    Jen

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  42. Gracious! Another guffaw...gotta love your stuff. I wish I had taken more classes in MS Paint! :)

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  43. Your artwork is all in the details.

    Heading over to check out the story of the agent right now!

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  44. I like the idea of being a MS Paint in a photoshop world.

    It's like the PC vs Mac commercials, and you're a Commodore 64.

    You are an digital hipster, and in a good way. I commend you, good sirs...

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  45. You are an... wow... Drinking makes my grammar sloshy.

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  46. I just spent $100 on night cream that I won't see results for until I am 40. make me over Dr. 80303 <---stage 5 stalker

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  47. That is fucking brilliant. Who would have thought Roses O'Donnell could look that hot.

    Brilliant

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  48. The Lindsay Lohan one turned put quite well.

    You've got guts, using MSPaint in a Photoshop-dominated Computer graphics landscape.
    *Sigh* Not everyone can afford it.

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  49. "Two parts whore, one part Shut the Fuck Up."

    Sounds like my Dream Girl.

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  50. This was so awesome. You are a MSPaint wonder. I really loved the Lindsay Lohan close-up! Wow. Just...wow.

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  51. This is the first time that I'm going to write LOL and actually mean it. I was laughing out loud man. This shit is hilarious. Seriously.

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  52. You have totally sold me on MSPaint. I love how it improves the pictures. Don't tell anyone but I am photoshopped. I am really a 90 year old woman.

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  53. Thanks for the post my friend. And for following.
    Love this post of yours.
    Made my day.
    I would have to second the statement on brilliance in your behalf..

    Have a fabulous Friday!

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  55. Jesus, Lohan is such a mess. I doubt Disney will want her back anytime soon. Unless you applied some MS paint eyes so she could work in animation. She'd probably get Goofy onto heroin.

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  56. You guys keep making me laugh during class and embarrass myself, and this time it was while I was supposed to be photoshopping.
    Wow, thanks.

    (Looking forward to your e-book release!)

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  57. Ouch! Harsh.

    Re:the 1st comment...I think Lindsay may be related to the Monopoly man.

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  58. Oh wow there isn't anything MSPaint can't fix. She really does look like a classy lady now. :P

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  59. Bahhahaha!
    This was hysterical. xD

    And I actually prefer MS Paint to Photoshop also.
    I'm not technologically skilled enough for Photoshop.

    Or...I can just stick to Sharpies. <3

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  61. lol I don't know anyone else more skilled at mspaint than this blog. Personal favorite is definitely the redone Lindsey. I love the twist you guys do on your writing, always makes me laugh out loud!

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  62. Great lord, if you hadn't of told you photoshopped them I would have NEVER known! Do you take commissions? :D

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  63. Haha wow! Hurah for MS paint, and all the joy it brings.

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  64. Adobe Photoshop does offer you a few brushes but their functionality, it is pretty basic and in today’s era, designers’ need a lot more than that. Photoshop Online Free

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