Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Down

           Like any straight man with good taste, we've never had any desire to read the Twilight series*, but that hasn't stopped us from wanting to know why it's so goddamn popular. And so, we've bitten the bullet and done our homework in an effort to spare anyone we can from having to succumb to this literary abortion. Without further ado, our guide to Twilight, from book one to book four.


































         

















There you have it, folks. Twilight in a nutshell. AKA, nonsensically dramatic teenage angst (with a bit of violence toward women and sex with babies) as recollected by a middle-aged Mormon lady. She probably has a lot of cats. At least one for every ten million bucks in the bank. Now, if you'll excuse us, there's a bus coming, and we need to make sure we're standing in front of it.

*(For the record, both of us actually read the first "novel" in the series, forcing ourselves to read this turd for the sole purpose of being able to fully defend our bashing of it. The rest of our research came from passages found directly within the books. And yes, from a writer's standpoint, they're all fucking turds.)

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
-Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat
Music: The Kooks (live, bitches!)

P.S. If you're looking for contemporary vampire stories that don't blow ass, check out the following:
-Bloodsucking Fiends by Christopher Moore (humor, and actually you ought to read any of his books)
-Salem's Lot by Stephen King (horror)
-American Vampire by Scott Snyder (graphic novel series)
-Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett (humor)

109 comments:

  1. Thank you so much guys. I read the first book, and that was enough. Haven't seen the films or read the others so you saved me a lot of grief.
    This was a brilliant read just before bed. :)

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  2. Nice post.

    Vampires that sparkle in the sun and act like moody teens even thought they're hundreds of years old, total arse biscuits!

    Give me Otto Von Chriek anyday.

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  3. haha. That about says it all yet I still read all the books and have seen all the movies. I need help.

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  4. My eyes...... they bleed! Such.... terrible...... word formations!

    **Dead**

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  5. I read that Myers came froma family of sheep shaggers and that's why she included the love affair between Jacob and the sheep. Also there's a pic of her sun bathing in the nude in the Globe this week and she has the same tramp stamp as that baby. Apparently Myers also has a withered leg and has to wear an orthopedic shoe. It's amazing how "art" mimics life, isn't it?

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  6. i never felt the slightest inclination to undergo the severe trauma of reading the books or watching the movies,i am happy,somehow unknowingly i make the correct choice.

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  7. The orthopedic shoe on the goat was the best touch. I didn't think this series could be picked apart any more than it has, but you two definitely topped any analysis I've seen. The goat had an orthopedic shoe! Dammit that's funny!
    The movies carried on the inept tradition of the book by having the worst special effects (special like the short bus) and special actors (again, special like the kids on a short bus).

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  8. You have confirmed my worse fears that this drivel is arse water....thank you.

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  9. I actually "read" the whole series because I thought I should know what it is about before giving out, you know the whole know your enemy thing. Wish I hadn't, sometimes it is not worth knowing your enemy, that's why I have not listened to any Justin Bieber songs, I got wiser from the Twilight experience!

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  10. Phew! That was a close one. My girlfriend almost read them, so I can send her a link to save her the brain cells

    Terry Pratchett kicks ares for the record, good choice.

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  11. I love vampires, I love True Blood, but I am not a fan of Twilight....I wonder what do you think about True Blood? Would you two do bad things to that series too?

    :) Cheers to this post and the hairy wolf... :D

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  12. Hahahahha this is a FANTASTIC post. The retarded goat with the orthopedic shoe that kept shocking itself was really best.

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  13. Hah awesome! Yay for The Kooks also :D

    How about the Anne Rice vampire stuff? I read Blood Gold or something and it was pretty decent. Also; does anyone watch the Vampire Diaries? I also reccomend that if you're into the kinda thing...

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  14. You hit the nail on the head with this post. Also, super excited to see Christopher Moore get a shout out, I love his work.

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  15. wow! you hit it right on! four books in a short funny cartoon description...
    EXCEPT... i think you made bella's boobs a little too big....

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  16. I have managed to avoid the whole twilight thing for the most part, even though my wife has read them all and seen the movies. She acknowledges how poorly written they are but somehow she still finds them compelling. Another good vampire book series recommendation to add would be the Necroscope Series by Brian Lumley.

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  17. My Gf seems to like Twilight and as a kind act of boyfriendness I took her to go see the new one that just came out. I was sooooooo confused and stupefied the entire time...

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  18. Thanks guys...I have never had any desire to watch or read this series. Your post only hardens the non-desire to partake in the Twilight fiasco!

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  19. Ok. First of all, if you can go out in the sun, you're not a vampire. Second. Vampires don't sparkle, unless by sparkle you mean burst into firey detah.

    Gah. I. Can't. Even. Express. My. Hatred. Of all of this Twilight nonsense!!!!

    Your summary however was perfect and probably the most accurate one I've seen thusfar. F-ing Hysterical. Thanks!

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  20. Twilight series need no more insults. How stupid it could be? Yet so many fans.
    I have a collegue - the smartest woman I had ever met, she is just too efficient. One day she told me that she is a twilight fan and from the respect chart she fell down from moneyball richteam to below the load of crap.
    Seriously?
    Shirtless wolfy boy hugging girlfriend of invincible vampy boy and vampy listening to his dirty thoughts and that pokerfaced plain girl? hahahaa
    We need Shaw to give quote for Twilight like he gave for Cricket "Eleven fools are playing but eleven thousand fools are watching"
    "One mormon fool writing and one billion crowd reading and watching"

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  21. Forgive me ABFTS for I have sinned. I enjoyed the Twilight series. PLEASE DON'T DISOWN ME!!! Weiner in my hot pocket! The goat! Baby cave! So very funny. I tried reading Bloodsucking Fiends and I just couldn't get into it. My friend loves his books though. Maybe I should give it another try.

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  22. Haha that was the best summary of those books I've ever read!

    You're very brave, reading them all (did you actually read them all?!). I read them a couple years ago because I figured they're as popular as Harry Potter, they have to get good at some point, right?
    T.T

    Such rubbish. Except the fourth book. That one at least had a plot.

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  23. From what I have been told, this is fairly accurate.

    Now, a rhetorical question: If vampires can't see themselves in the mirror, how does Metro Edward get his hair to look so FAAAAAAAABULOUS!?


    Today's Post: I Painted a Picture with my Penis, and This is the Result

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  24. Wish I hadn't wasted my time reading the first two books with this summary.

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  25. Um, pretty much. I will never, EVER understand the asinine following of this book series. And WHAT, you didn't cover the vamps' version of "baseball"???? I seriously threw the book across the room at that point.

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  26. lol aye that sums its up accurately. how do you know this story though...fuck, how do I know it. why do i know it? kill me now

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  27. Christopher Moore! Hell yeah.
    His book, "Lamb," is one of my favorites.
    It's not about vampires, though. It's about Jesus (as seen from the perspective of Jesus' friend, Biff).
    So, technically, I guess that one is about a zombie, sort of...

    I have not seen the Twilight movies nor read the book.
    And that is saying something, because Kristen Stewart is a big lesbian icon...

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  28. my insides want to exit every orifice whenever I hear about toilet.

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  29. I went to a Christopher Moore Signing for "Bite Me" and all he would say about his books is that "My Vampires don't sparkle. Because that would be wrong"

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  30. I would totally see your version in the theater. I am not a big fan of the SM series. I follow the True Blood's standards of what a vampire and werewolf should be.

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  31. Oh good. Now I don't have to read/watch any of them.

    Unless there's really a mentally handicapped goat with one orthopedic shoe and an inexplicaple attraction to electric fences. Like, this one? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b-072VA4UA

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  32. Salem's Lot almost blows ass. Almost.

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  33. This was perfection! PERFECTION!

    I am sending this to every Twidiot I know, and sadly I do know a few.

    Love you so much right now. Like in a break into your room and watch you sleep kind of way. Becuase that's love right?

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  34. I always suspected that Twilight was industrial-strength drivel, now I know. Thanks for saving my few reamining brain cells from this turkey! And thanks for the huge laughs!

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  35. Once again I'm laughing my ass off! Reading this blog has become a religious ceremony in ways I'm too embarrassed to describe! Now excuse me, I have to go take my nipple clamps off....

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  36. Ahahhhhhhahhhahahahahaha,

    This was brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

    i never understood what people saw in those books and movies, however your version is "pure gold"!

    If you get a chance, check out "What the Buck's" review of "Twilight", on "Youtube"...hilarious!

    xoxo,
    tracy

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  37. Frank Langella

    Now that thar was one hunny of a Vampire!

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  38. My friend loaned me the first book (I had not yet seen any of the movies) telling me, "You have to read this first! It's sooooooo good! Way better than the movie." We are no longer friends. I couldn't get past the first chapter. Also, I've been to Forks. I lost a piece of my soul by witnessing the freak fest that is happening up there. La Push is cool though. Also, this post was fucking tits. Awesome, really. Cheers!

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  39. I've been waiting for this one. You guys nailed it! My sisters both read the books. The books remained at my parent's house. They were free of charge. I couldn't help it. I read them! I read them all!!! I kept hoping there would be a big fight (with the old roman vamps) and someone important would die! Well, you left out that part. There was suppose to be a fight, but all they did was meet in a field, have a pissing contest, and go their seperate ways.

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  40. I will have to read the book becauase the movie kinda stinks.

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  41. Hot girls always discribe them selves as unatractive so she probably is hot. As for the books and movies I never read them. But if they're any thing like your cartoon then they must be awesome! Great cartoon! Very funny!

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  42. LMBO!!!
    I read 'em... but I like your version of it all better. I think...
    if anyone ever asks me about the "saga" from here on out - I'm sending 'em to you two. LOL

    ;-D robelyn

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  43. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  44. HAHAHAHA!!!

    LOVE this!! i'm not a great fan, but i've suffered thru all the movies because of my sister who is a HUGE fan...couldn't wait to send this to her :-)

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  45. I almost never walk out or movies...

    In fact never.

    I walked out of this one. :-/

    Initially I wanted to vomit. But a little fresh air made me feel ok; which tells me it was the movie.

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  46. AH HA HA! I learned more from your two about twilight than ever before. Somehow I'd managed to avoid learning ANYTHING about it for (however many years its been a thing...).
    Not anymore.
    You two ruined me.
    For shame, boys, for shame.

    :)
    Jen

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  47. My wife and I watched the first movie (on dvd, not at the theater) just to see what the big deal was. We discovered the big deal was stupidity. My wife hated it even more than I did because of its attitude toward woman.

    What I hated more than the movie? Seeing that Meyer is her own biggest fan. That stuff was scary.

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  48. Wow, now that I'm familiar with "Twilight", now all I want to do is go shopping for shoes, paint my nails, and text my BFFs.
    Thanks a lot!
    The game's on.
    Crap.

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  49. I read them all, and I can say this is a very very true adaptation. I actually preferred this to those...well I can't call them books.

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  50. thanks for the synopsis. I never have to read or watch "Twilight" now. I didn't intend to as it is written and produced for tweens but I know now I never "have to".

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  51. Mrs Cranface won't sit down to watch Seven Samurai with me, but she expects me to sit down and watch this Twilight guff. Might have to prope her eyelids open with matchsticks and get her to stare at this post for 72 hours straight.

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  52. Sparkle face. lol You did better than me. I couldnl't finish the 1st book. I was done once Eddie started sparkling. You serious about the sex & the baby? Gees.

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  53. Can't believe you actually read it. Way to take on for the team. lol
    Love the hair covering up the speech bubble. Hilarious stuff.

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  54. Thank you for reading this drivel so the rest of us don't have to. It's interesting that the Mormon woman writer wrote so much about hurting women. Huh...

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  55. I lol'd abut three times this was so good. I shared even. I had to.

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  56. Wow, I JUST realized this said breaking DOWN and not breaking dawn and now I like this post even more.

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  57. I love Salem's Lot! You are right, that is a great example of a true vampire book. This whole YA dark fiction trend just keeps going and going. The sad thing is, there is only so many ways you can write the teen angst, love triangle, with a bit of supernatural thrown in. There are hundreds of Twilight knockoff floating around amazon. Oh well. Hopefully I will find something original soon.

    On a side note: Sorry about the pepper :) I eat every three hours, so a small meal usually works for me. I am glad you enjoyed it otherwise. You could add brown rice to the stuffing mix to increase the calories and maybe make it last longer.

    Thanks for giving me feedback, it's always appreciated.

    Tammy

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  58. Um, I think you drew a pretty hot Bella. Thank you for filling me in on the books. I won't bother to read them now that I know what happens. I'll stick with Salem's Lot or the standard Dracula (both favorites of mine).

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  59. Wow. your "edward looks way hotter than that guy they got to play him in the movies!!! *swoon*

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  60. I have good news and I have bad news. Good news, I never read the books (didn't even know there were Twilight books until the movie came out). Bad news? If it's 2 or 3 in the morning and I can't sleep, I would watch a Twilight movie, even if only for the shirtless werewolves.

    :runsandhidesfromthehoardsofpeoplechasingmewithpitchforks:


    PS: we're so fighting for that goat!

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  61. OW! I haven't read the books, not my genre, but I have to say you two entertained me with your review.

    P.S. If you ever come across my book, I welcome your review...in an email. :D

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  62. OK, Mr. RK and I are laughing so hard we're shaking and almost peeing our pants! Brilliant!!! I don't understand what the appeal of this pathetically written tripe is, but Mr. RK's best friend's wife loves it, so I am sending the friend a link to this post.

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  63. Thanks for explaining it to me lol.

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  64. That sounds accurate to me.

    And you two are both very brave. I only managed to read half of the first book before I had enough.

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  65. Twilight = cool story bro

    And you guys just reinforced that.

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  66. To be honest I have never read the Twilight, though I don't plan to. There seems to be way more better things to read or do. Like Dune for example.

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  67. Great post!
    Although I can't understand why Toronto was blown up with their passionate sex.
    I live there, dude.
    There aint no vampires round these parts, we attack 'em with our polar bears.

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  68. this must be the real book or movie!
    i´m a girl and there is no way in this world i´ll read or watch that emo movie puajjj
    you guys make it so great

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  69. Thanks..since I had no intention of reading this garbage..at least I now know what the kids are talking about.. GiGi

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  70. I love love your interpretation. I was a fan until the last book then it got even to out there for me. Your version rocks! Had to link to your blog from mine hoping some more will get smiles from it.

    Have a fantastic day!

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  71. That...was....freakin'...AWESOSME!!

    Excellent goat work! :)

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  72. I never read any of the books..and for the first time I watched the first movie..took me 3 tries but finally got thru it..my running commentary all the way thru the movie was 'you HAVE got to be fucking kidding me.' worse movie ever..ever..ever...ever...ever...

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  73. Best post ever! It's so funny, because it's so true... .... ... I know, because I read the books! :P

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  74. if you really did this and it aint no copypasta, 100++ internetz to you sir

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  75. A while ago a friend told me
    "In the 4th Twilight book, a werewolf falls in love with a baby. A werewolf. Falls in love. With a baby."

    I did think he was exaggerating. Oh dear. I gave the book a try, and the plot seemed as incomprehensible as the awkwardly worded sentences. One step closer to downing that bottle of bleach my friends.

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  76. Done and fixed. my apologies. brain fart.

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  77. Is the mark really a tramp stamp?

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  78. I don't know how you guys do it but this one is a true classic. I will be linking it for others to see. Class A. Number 1. Love me long time!

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  79. Thanks for saving me from this godawful book. I saw the first movie and that was enough. Soooo lame. Even my teenage nieces can't stand this crap... anymore.

    They really could not have picked a plainer and less interested girl than Kristen Stewart. She's just...bland. And the rest of the story is just bizarre. There is absolutely no reason for me to watch or read Twilight...except to see their lovemaking destroy Toronto. That part sounds cool.

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  80. This is awesome and the graphic of the shirtless werewolf is priceless.. if someone told me i had to read these books or endure the movies(*gasp*) i do believe I would take that potion that sends one to the big sleep...

    for real..

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  81. Haha... Thanks for the summary. I was never planing on reading them and this gives me more information about the book than I ever thought I'd have. The vampire/werewolf/zombie bug never bit me. The closest I got was the cartoon 'teen wolf'. Great summary. I'll be sending it to a few twilight fans.

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  82. yea this post convinces me i definitely don't want to ever watch/read twilight lol

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  83. I loved this so much, I immediately shared it on facebook. I expect some complaints from the Twilighters by morning. lol. I was laughing so much, my daughter came down the hall to find out why. When I told her, she said she wanted to read it. Despite being a huge Twilight fan, she laughed, too. However, she did point out the things not like the book...which just cracked me up all over again. Oh yeah, my first question to her about these books was, "How in the hell does a vampire go out in the daylight?" One more thing, the girl who plays Bella never smiles. I've seen pictures and TV clips of her and have never seen her smile. So, apparently, according to the books, she was the perfect Bella.

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  84. WTF. I really have nothing else to say besides that. I cannot believe actually like this shit. And that is all it is, mindless crap. But it's not just that they read it, they obsess over it. And I see you are hooked now too. Actually, how did the bleach feel in your eyes after you read it??? I mean, that is the only way I can think of to get rid of that in your mind.
    Great post, I was dying. Need to share it immediately!

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  85. i think you give Twighlight undue credit :)

    best described in the following two ways:
    30 pages of interesting plot, crammed into nearly 2,000

    Never have so many characters been assembled in one place that are so desperately in need of a good slap

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  86. Wow.... That was crazy funny and incredibly informative! I have just never understood women's obsession with vampires. They are cold blooded!!!! Man it would be like having sex with a popsicle!!! Which my sources tell me is "quickly regrettable"

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  87. btw - Salem's Lot? Really??

    It's just Dracula relocated to america

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  88. LMFDBO <--me laughing my donkey butt off. I recenetly started watching the gem that is Real Houswives: Atlanta...I still don't know what a donkey butt is.

    EPIC post! I reposted this twice and died! your hair is too tall, speak higher and the orthapedic shoe destroyed me. not like bella was demolished by edward but similiar.
    so can we conclude that his "aggressive sex with bella" is actually the author alluding to him "beating her up" with his giant Vampenis?

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  89. OMG! I was wondering what the hell all of the fuss my daughters were making about these books was! Now I totally have a real reason to make fun of them!

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  90. OMG I seem to be the only one here to say this but I am a fan...of Robert Pattinson. lol I know I know. He is just 'beautiful' :p
    Have read all the books watched all the movies (more than once I have to admit). And yet, I agree to all of the above :p
    Now you can laugh at me all you want

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  91. Literary abortion... baby cave.... you guys keep cracking me up. Thank you for that!

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  92. my sister dragged me to see the show yesterday and i had to re-read this post...made me laugh all over again!!

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  93. To hell and back. Welcome. The things you guys go through for your readers. Good to finally restart reading the posts.

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  94. Wow, you guys really took a bullet for the rest of us. Now please do us an even bigger favor and review the movies. (You'll need more than Breckenridge Agave Wheat to get you through that shit, I'm sure.)

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  95. Hahaha this amused me. I read the books solely so I could make as much fun of them as I wanted, so I fully appreciate seeing things like this. Also, I live in Utah *which is Mormon central* and Mormons frustrate me. Have you heard of bubbling? Google it, it's almost as amusing as their version of talking dirty.

    On a side note, the fact that I got a comment on my blog for linking to yours is happy making considering you have over fourteen hundred followers, and looking from the comments on this post I'm sure you get a lot of feedback. I shall be keeping tabs on your posts because I do enjoy the humor *as well as your about me section comics*. Have a nice day/night/whatever time it is.

    - Lexa Be

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  96. This is absolutely fantastic. I laughed the entire time.

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  97. I f'n love this post. I've read it so much when I need a good laugh. Good job guys! Love keeping up with your blog. Def puts a great sense of humor into my day. Hope to see your book get published sometime soon as well so I can buy it.

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