Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Idiot's Guide to Fine Dining

So as we mentioned in our last post, we're one step closer to releasing our debut novel, which means it's time to celebrate. But since we literally put the 'starving' in 'starving artist,' we'll have to celebrate on a budget.

Now, it's not impossible to be on a budget and still eat at a restaurant where the atmosphere could be described more as a 'soiree' than a 'ball pit.' You just have to be crafty about it.

First, a little known fact is that you can eat for free by complaining about things you find in your food. Most places will feel terrible and will comp you for your dish, especially high end restaurants with reputations to maintain. Free lobster bisque anyone?







Looks like I've got to step my game up a little.

Ten minutes later:








Fun fact: Paying to have your hand sewn back on is still cheaper than eating at a high class French restaurant. Also, my fingers still taste like lobster bisque. Totally worth it.

And if self-mutilation just won't get the job done, there's another surefire way to dodge paying a hefty check: Create a catastrophic distraction. If your first thought upon reading that was 'pull the fire alarm' then you're on the right track. But don't be afraid to dream big...



What can I say? Accidents happen. Like Janice said, "Arson is just another word for nothing left to eat," or something. Just don't forget to rescue your beer. It'll help keep you cool while you escape a blazing restaurant inferno, and subsequently, your hellish bill.

However, if you don't want to be lugging around dead spiders, chopping off limbs, or committing a felony there's always the guaranteed freebie option: the birthday. When it comes to restaurants, make every day your birthday! You'll get free food, guaranteed!















Anyone got any good restaurant tips?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

-Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Shiner Bock
Music: Dirty Projectors

69 comments:

  1. There is always the classic "dine and dash" method.

    I used this method many times at a Waffle house during the drunken hours! Sadly, that restaraunt is now out of business!

    Haven't tried the birthday method. I will try that during my next visit to Applebee's!

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  2. I used to be a chef...don't send the food back...they don't like it and bad things happen to the food that's sent back!

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  3. Hahahah, yes, whoring yourself out to the waiter is usually a good idea. But if it doesn't go well, you can't go back to that restaurant. Well, not if you want your food spit/urine/jizz free.

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  4. A week or so ahead of time write a scathing email to the manager about how horrible the service was and how you're going to write angry reviews all over the interwebs. Generally they'll toss you a comp.
    But self-amputation works too.
    You can also get naked after you finish your meal. They'll kick you out without even ASKING you to pay! The fools.

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  5. Yeah go somewhere where the garcons are clothed?

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  6. I'm a starving college kid... I don't "fine dine". Unless you count Applebee's 2 for 20. I do. They bring your food to you and everything!

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  7. I may have to borrow that severed hand from you, I'm going out for Chinese later today. Wait, I'll just use my cats foot, that'll be more believable.

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  8. You could play the long game and become friends with a very wealthy person, who takes you out for expensive meals on a whim. The only downside is listening to them talk about white people problems and golf.

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  9. I wonder if he would actually go as far as to sell his body for a free meal. I don't go to restaurants that much really, but I think arson is my best bet. Why pull the fire alarm when you can just start a fire?

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  10. If you get really friendly with the chef, a lot of the time he'll send free dishes out to you.

    Apart from that, make sure to mutilate someone else before going in. That way you get to avoid the hospital bill too.

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  11. "Le Twatterie" made me honest-to-gawd guffaw out loud. Good stuff!

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  12. Now that looks like an awesome place to eat! Spiders in soup, cigar smoking waiters in man thongs! Who could ask for more?! :D

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  13. HAHAHA! I truly was not expecting that lase frame. Still, sex sells people, sex sells... or gives.

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  14. Sex for food? Economy is too bad..too bad..
    About twins who don't look alike,incase they have doubts I can send my twins with their birth certificate ,(the 3 mins younger brother looks like sister toelder twin son) just send them home with soup without those extra seasonings for the service.
    @angrylurker,which restaurant you used to work for, I need to refer tat place to couple of my dear "friends"

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  15. You can afford to eat at a place with ball pits? Lucky bastards.

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  16. lol wut...what happened at the end.. lmfao music video?

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  17. I love the cigar-smoking waiter! That sneery look is brilliant. Places that serve over-priced tiny food on dustbin-lid sized plates deserve to get ripped off in my book. Might start carrying a fake spider around from now on just case.

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  18. Yes. Get a job and pay for it like the rest of us do. I mean, like most people do. As for me I recommend a hard working husband. Think you can find one of those?

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  19. lol good stuff. there are many ways to get free food from restaurants. i don't really have the balls to try any of them though

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  20. I choked on a peanut over "Le Twatterie". Ha!

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  21. Go somewhere kids eat free and tell them you're the real life Benjamin Button.

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  22. If you had multiple personalitys each one of them might have there own birthday... you could go all year around for free food!

    But I agree with danjour21, dine and dash.

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  23. solid humor boys. Not the type of thing I would recommend, but hey that's just me judging you.

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  24. here´s another tip: when the waiter is serving you wine, try to get up of your chair or something. He will drop some wine in your pants and...voilà!

    I loveee your blog guys its really tasty
    love from peru

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  25. oh my god, i LOVE La Twatterie! there's one in my neighborhood and they serve the best Spotted Dick.

    (pissed script) um...did you just call your wife a skank?

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  26. The fanciest place I eat at is Waffle House. The spider in the soup is considered an ingredient. And, since the waitress is now too old to make any money stripping she's entirely too bitter to care about your missing hands.

    Jay

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  27. That's why I don't go to restaurants. :/

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  28. I'm pretty happy with just eating at cheap places, myself.

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  29. I love the fact the waiter was holding a cigar the whole time. That's some restaurant. You could have just complained about the smoke and probably gotten your food for free, without the mutilation. :)

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  30. that was pretty funny, especially the hand and the last picture

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  31. lobster bisque is the greatest soup known to man

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  32. That is the much funnier version of the scene in Victor/Victoria where they try to eat for free...

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  33. 'Le Twatterie'. Frickin' epic right there.

    I don't really go to restaurants that mch. Home food and fish-n-chips shops do the job. Oh, and that occasional Burger King trip too.

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  34. Once got really, really stoned and took one of those "Eat the whole thing and it's free" dares at a restaurant. I had no money. That was suspenseful.

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  35. i guess i am an idiot cause this works well

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  36. I always drink water. Saves on calories and cash. Also, Mexican restaurants. You can eat all the chips and salsa you want and order a burrito for $1.75. Being cheap, that's less than $2 if you give the waiter a piece of gum as tip. Win!

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  37. You could always say something like "This is NOT what I ordered!!" (even if it totally was...) and complain so much and so loudly that you get it comped.

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  38. "dont push it skank" lol. genius, these comics of yours. you should start a proper website, like cyanide and happiness.

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  39. A friend of mine threw up in his bowl of soup once. Not on purpose. But it worked.

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  40. Haha, of course the french waiter would be wearing a leopard thong. You guys really thing of everything...unfortunately :)

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  41. Hahaha, reminds me of the Mr Bean sketch when he ordered raw steak by accident because the menu was in French and everything else was too expensive for him. So he spent ages trying to hide bits of it so they wouldn't be insulted, and then someone found them by falling on his table so he got a new free one xD

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  42. Hey, it is my birthday too! I want a free meal.

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  43. Ahahaha, funny as usual. Keep them coming.

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  44. Darn! It was actually my birthday few days back, where's my free meal? And a wine may be?

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  45. *Falls off the chair laughing*
    Loved your blog! Will be a regular from now :)

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  46. That was funny. There is supposedly a sushi place out here that only serves 10 people a day and the bill for two will put you in four digits.

    The whole thing was funny but the last image clinched it! The spit-my-coffee-all-over-the-keyboard moment goes to that.

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  47. lol The last frame was such a surprise. In a good way. Thanks for the laughs.

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  48. Fantastic restaurant name! haha. I wish I had the nerve to complain or ask for free shit but I'm a push over. Even if I don't like something I usually just suck it up. I need help...I know. I did however get 30% off a shirt I was buying today because the lady in front of me swore up and down it was on the discount rack (they did find 3 there by accident) and when she asked where I picked mine up I lied and said the discount rack but I won't start anything...she gave me the discount for being nice. :) YAY for lying and discounts.

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  49. Love it! Being a poor graduate student, I can really use these tips. I tend to only eat during Happy Hour....2-4-1 burgers at the greasy joint on Mondays, Taco Tuesday at the fake Mexican restaurant, Wing Wednesday at the imitation Buffalo Wild Wings, Thirsty Thursday (this one doesn't really incorporate food, but who says a liquid diet can't work?)......

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  50. My top tip is never send anything back to the kitchen.... not unless you are big fan of other peoples spittle....well I guess if your food is very dried out then it might be worth risking it.

    As a teenager a group of us once sent back our Florida cocktails (it was the height of sophistication to us) convinced that we should have got prawns with it (we were young, cocky, inexperienced, wrong and had not seen Road trip....).....they came back 20 minutes later with a glace cherry on top and suspiciously more moist than when we had returned them...

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  51. We got free chocolate cake at a Red Lobster by telling the waitress that one of the persons we were with had a birthday that day. Sure, we had to endure, "It's your birthday! It's your birthday! Cha cha cha!" and she had to put on a lobster-shaped birthday cap, but that cake was worth it.
    We should've tried it at the bar we went to.

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  52. I used to go to Le Twatterie a lot, but it was only to hang out in the women's john and try to get phone numbers. People sure are free with the whole "Sex Offender" accusations these days.

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  53. I really needed a good laugh. Thanks!

    I get free food by dining with my wife. She has the most crappy luck at restaurants...legitimately :)

    She's had glass in her pasta (multiple times, different establishments), hair under her steak, fingernails...you name it. One time, it took us four hours to eat at a steak place because the food kept coming out wrong: cold steak the first time, then burned. Next steak was underdone, then burned again. And on and on.

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  54. OK, I really like the picture of the bowl of soup with the dead spider floating in it. I keep re-visiting and admiring that beautiful picture! I would love to blow it up and see it hanging in my kitchen.

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  55. I went on a negotiation course where complaining in restaurants was part of the course work...I was rubbish at it lol...great comic can't wait for the book

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  56. Le Twatterie. Beautiful. The worst thing about these places is they serve you a pathetic portion with some swirly bullshit around it at an over-inflated cost. I prefer the less fancy but more belly fulfilling establishments.

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  57. You can play the "Im a douchy food critic card!"..... simply be totally all full of your fat self and say things like "The foi gras was delish" or my favorite "I'll take one of everything on your menu but to go!... for review purposes stupid!" Works every time....

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  58. I only know sneaky food tricks for cheaper restaurants I'm afraid :(

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  59. went to apple bees once got drinks, bitched about the menu then walked out not having to pay for a thing! :)

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  60. I enjoy that you will cut off your hand for food. I have so much more respect for you now. A good meal is truly worth a hand, or even an arm. :)

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  61. I don't mean to be a stickler but....shouldn't it be 'La Twatterie' because its feminine? Then again it is the French and they complicate fucking everything. Even twats.

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  62. "Don't push it skank," hahahahahaha. That one made me "lol" if I may. Maybe if your wife grew out her sideburns like Brandon she'd be more trustworthy?

    -ash

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  63. Mutilation seems a bit extreme. You could have at least eaten the hand. My technique is to go dining with someone who actually has money, that usually works.

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